Bakugou Katsuki is Going to Become a Friendly Guy Even if it Kills Him
by pisces-royalty
Summary: How to confess to a girl in three easy steps: tell her you like her, have her tell you she likes you, and set up a date. Easy, except Bakugou's failed step two. Now, he could take it like a man and let it go. Or, he could take her words to heart and show her just how much of a not jerk he is. Follow our favorite idiot on his journey of self-improvement, friendship, and love.
1. ASKING HER OUT ON A DATE (GONE WRONG)

**A/N:** Okay, so fair warning, there's a _lot_ of swearing in this. I mean it is in Bakugou's POV so that's what's to be expected, but the amount of swearing I ended up writing surprised even me, lol. But I think in the eventual theme of this story, the swearing will eventually tone down as the story progresses. Also, I uh...really wanna source the artist for the pic but I can't? find? the? source? So if anyone does know, please tell me so I can properly credit them.

Also, a more all-encompassing summary of this story is: Bakugou gets told he's a bit of a _jerk_ and he befriends everyone out of spite in order to prove he's _not_ a jerk.

I hope you enjoy!

* * *

He's going to do it. He's going to fucking do it. Hell _yeah_ he's going to _fucking_ do it.

Today's the day he's going to ask Uraraka Ochako the _hell_ out.

Okay, so how many more swear words is it going to take for him to _actually_ fucking do it?

Bakugou Katsuki looks at — well, more like _stares down_ — his reflection in the mirror. His hair is fucked up and branching out in all directions, as per normal. _Haha, you hot motherfucker._ He's wearing a black tank top because black is slimming and also it shows off his _terrific_ triceps, _beautiful_ biceps, _dazzling_ deltoids, and — if you catch him at _just_ the right angle in _just_ the right amount of sunlight — his _fucking awesome_ abs. And to counteract the slimming-ning-ness of his black tank top, he's wearing baggy-ass pants that sag past where they should be sagging, making his knees look like they're three-quarters of the way down his legs. _Hell yeah, Katsuki, you're a handsome fucking bitch, you got this._

Okay, _breathe_ Katsuki. You can do this.

He sets off a few small explosions in his hands because first of all, he's sweating a lot, and second of all, explosions calm him down. For normal people, the idea of explosions being as soothing as the sound of rain would be pretty insane. But Bakugou Katsuki isn't normal people.

He's _better._

Also he fucking _hates_ rain.

Just as he's about to leave his dorm though, he checks the mirror one last time. You know, to make sure there isn't spinach in his teeth or anything. He flosses like, twice a day though, so there _shouldn't_ be any spinach. Or vegetables. Or other such miscellaneous shit in his mouth. But just to be _sure,_ he…

Yeah okay, he's good.

Which means he's going to _fucking_ do it.

 _Hell_ yeah, he's going to _fucking_ do it.

Yeah!

Hell yeah!

Okay...but does his hair look okay? Maybe he _should_ wear a flannel or something, you know...

* * *

A whole entire hour later and Bakugou Katsuki has finally emerged from his dorm. And...there's nothing visibly different about him. Well, to be fair, if he brushed his hair one more time, he feared his hair follicles would deteriorate or some shit and he'd wind up like...Best Jeanist Internship him.

Bad times. Never again. No.

He takes one last deep breath. One last small explosion in his hand.

Okay, he's good to go now.

Sauntering down the hallways with his hands in his pockets, leaning his back onto the elevator with his hands still in his pockets, sauntering down the hallways of the first floor now with his hands beginning to fidget out of nervousness — but still in his pockets — Katsuki does his level best to maintain his "Hell _yeah_ I'm a cool motherfucker" aura.

Actually, he doesn't have to try at all.

Because he _is_ a cool motherfucker.

At least, that's what he has to tell himself, anyway. Sometimes, you just gotta escape from everyone else's perception of you being that kid that gets kidnapped once a year by some hack villain. It's hard, sometimes, to only be known as _that_ dumbass kid. He's so much more than that. First of all, he isn't dumb. Second of all, he has a _great_ ass. _And_ he's motherfucking _cool._

Oh shit he internally monologue-d so hard he's already in the lobby. Oh shit she's right fucking _there._ On the couch. The couch in the lobby. The couch that's in the center of the co-ed student gathering area of the dorm. The lobby couch. _That_ couch.

She's sitting on it.

Oh _fuck_ he didn't think he'd get this far.

Although, he probably should've expected it. After all, he's been walking this whole time. If you just keep walking somewhere — _anywhere —_ at a constant speed, eventually you'll get pretty far.

He just didn't expect it to happen this fast.

Haha, well it's now or never at this point. Can't just stand around doing nothing like a damn loser for too long.

"Oi," he calls out to Uraraka.

Nothing. No flinching. No response. Nothing.

Okay, his voice was kind of quiet. Like normal person quiet. Not Bakugou Katsuki quiet, which is at a normal person speaking volume. No, it was normal person quiet and she's on the couch and he's like twenty meters away at the hallway entrance or whatever so of course she didn't hear.

Fine. He'll just raise his voice. And walk a little closer. No big deal. She couldn't be ignoring him or anything. Right. Right?

...Right.

"Oi, Uraraka," he calls out again.

He waits patiently for her response. Unfortunately, "patiently" for Bakugou Katsuki means two seconds. Throw in a "very" in front of "patiently" and _maybe_ he can wait upwards of five seconds. But that's only happened two or three times before, so that "very" is a gamble.

But anyway, two seconds have passed since he called out to her and she again didn't respond.

He doesn't get it. He's halfway between the couch and where he was before, of _course_ she has to have heard.

Fine. _Fine._ He's going to just fucking do it.

He envisions himself in front of his mirror again. He sees himself pointing his index finger at his reflection. He stares into the void of his blood-red eyes and the void stares back. "You can do it," his mirror-self says in his head. "You're Bakugou Katsuki. You can _do_ it."

Fuck yeah he can do it!

With newfound determination, he strides towards her. Places a hand on her shoulder. Smirks a little when she raises her head and looks backwards to see who's touched her.

"Bakugou-kun?" Uraraka's face is tilted upwards; her eyes are wide and round and under the light her eyes are shining so hard they're practically sparkling and _fuck_ she looks so cute like that fucking _dammit._

Okay, Katsuki, you've been preparing for this for like, well basically since the sports festival when she first caught your attention. When she basically pointed a bunch of pointyass rocks at you in her best attempt to murder-kill you. When you first thought that _finally_ there was someone in this world as hot as a motherfucker as you, Katsuki. Point is, it's been a _long_ time. You can do this, you handsome motherfucker you. Hit her with some of that heart melting and sappy _good_ shit.

His smirk grows wider. He's totally prepared. Trying to tell his heart to stop beating so fucking hard that he feels like he's losing his damn hearing, he finally opens his mouth to deliver that _epic_ line he had prepared for her.

"Uh…"

Shit wait, what _was_ the epic line?

Did he even _have_ one in the first place?

Haha, instead of thinking about how fucking cool he was on the way here, maybe he should've thought about _what to actually say to her when it came time to actually talk to her._

...Maybe those people really _were_ right when they said he wasn't as cool as he liked to think he was.

"Kacchan?"

The fuck? Uraraka doesn't say that. And her voice isn't that annoying. What?

Katsuki turns his head a little to the left. Oh shit. Is that Deku?

No _wonder_ Uraraka hadn't been paying attention to him a minute ago. Deku's so fucking loud with all his rambling mumbo jumbo nonsense that she probably couldn't hear _him_ , Katsuki. It all makes _sense_ now.

"Um, was there something you wanted to say?" Uraraka asks, her eyebrows slightly furrowed in confusion. Her face is still tilted upwards towards him and her lips are just slightly parted and _shit_ they look so soft and pink and...and _shit_ he doesn't know what to do.

Katsuki panics.

No, wait. He's Bakugou Katsuki. He doesn't _panic._ He's just...annoyed.

No.

Wait.

Wait...yes.

Yeah, he's annoyed.

After all, Deku is right fucking _there_ sitting next to her while he wants to confess and... _fuck_ there are more people here too? Frog girl? And, the fuck? Pinky? And...that girl? With the weird ears? She's here too?

He has to get out of here. There are too many people here.

He's not nervous or anything.

Or shy about confessing to someone.

No, he just...doesn't want anyone else to hear his kickass pickup line. Can't have people plagiarizing him after she inevitably tells him how much she's loved him this whole time, _too._

Yeah, that's why he doesn't want other people around.

Plagiarism.

Yeah, that's it.

Taking one last glance around the wholeass lobby to somehow find even _more_ people there, he finally musters out a "Come with me."

To him, it sounds pretty flippant. Which he thinks sounds pretty cool.

To everyone else _around_ him though, including Uraraka Ochako, the comment sounds rather ominous.

Leaving the dorm to the Yuuei gardens with her just a few steps behind him, he hears from somewhere farther off behind him a muffled: "So uh...who wants to make bets on what's about to go down between them?"

He's going to kill that person later.

And then he's going to kill everyone who's participated in that betting pool.

Oh, but whoever's guessed that Uraraka falls for his epic confession...yeah _that_ person can be spared.

Outside now in the garden, he walks past tree after tree, trying to look for some good empty place with no trees. After all, if he accidentally sets off an explosion because of e- _excitement_ or something, he doesn't want any trees to fall onto her as a result of the chaos.

The only casualty in this situation should be her heart.

He smirks a little to himself.

Him being a smooth motherfucker aside, what kind of a shit-bitching garden is this? "Why are there so many _trees?"_ he mutters under his breath. First of all, _good_ gardens shouldn't have this many trees. His mom is a _shitty_ gardener and their garden has a _ton_ of fucking trees. Therefore, the converse _must_ be true that if his mom were a _good_ gardener, their garden would have _no_ fucking trees. And because _this_ garden has a shitload of trees, it's therefore a _bad garden._

"Uh, Bakugou-kun…" he hears from behind him.

Even her voice is adorable.

Having a crush fucking _sucks._ He _hates_ this. Why does she make him so fucking _weak_ in the knees and the heart and why does her voice feel like a punch in the gut he can't fucking _breathe_ what the _fuck._

"Um...Bakugou-kun…"

He feels something tugging on his...hand?

What?

He swivels around, glaring at all the fucking trees around him because why would there be _something_ touching his hand unless they were somehow in danger?

Except in doing that, he's neglected to account for the most dangerous thing around here.

Her round face.

Her wide eyes.

Her flushed cheeks.

Her pink fucking lips.

All just a few centimeters away from his face.

He observes her taking in a deep gulp, her breath hitching just a little in her chest. And then she opens her mouth and asks, "When are you going to let go of my hand?"

"When am I...going to let go of…"

He looks down at his right hand.

It's not connected to anything.

He pivots his eyeline to his left hand.

Watches it extend into another hand.

A softer hand.

That's connected to a paler arm than his.

That's connected to…Uraraka?

"What the fuck?!" Out of shock, he quickly lets go. Since when was he holding her hand? For how long? This whole damn time?

He can feel everything from his toes to his ears flushing red. Uraraka, on the other hand, is clearly insulted. After all, she's grimacing.

Fuck, _why_ did he have to drop her hand like it was a hot fucking potato?

This confession is off to a terrible start. The only silver lining in this awkward situation is that, at the very least, she's stopped him when they just so happened to be in a pretty decent clearing in this swarm of trees.

Okay, Katsuki. This is it. It's really 'Now or Never' time. "You can do this," he murmurs to himself a final time. With a sharp inhale to gather all the oxygen he possibly can into his lungs, he roars, "URARARARARARA _RARARA_ _ **RARARARAKA!"**_

Legend says that his voice was heard all around the globe that day. The same legend says that Present Mic heavily considered retirement after Katsuki's screaming nearly burst his eardrums.

Huffing a little after exerting all that force onto his vocal chords, he makes direct eye contact with her and says what he's wanted to this whole damn time: "Go out with me."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...No."

"Awesome. Our date is this Sun-" He blinks. "Wait." He blinks harder. "What?" He's blinking so furiously now that he feels like any faster and he might discover a new quirk to allow him to take flight through the power of flapping his eyelashes alone to escape this situation.

She breaks eye contact with him to look anxiously at the ground. Twiddles her thumbs a little. "I mean...you're kind of a jerk to everyone. And I don't think I want to go out with anyone like that."

"..."

"..."

 _Wait, did she_ _ **really**_ _just say that?_

Katsuki stares at her incredulously. Sure enough, the expression on her face also screams, 'Wait, did I _really_ just say that?'

"What?" He's panicking a bit now. Hyperventilating, if you will. After all, _none_ of this is going according to plan. _He_ was supposed to say some sappy shit. _She_ was supposed to say some sappy shit. And then they were supposed to be sappy _together_. So what the fuck is _this?_ "I-I'm not a _jerk_ ," is the only thing he manages to come back with, however.

It's a chucklefuck's comeback.

"What?" Now it's _her_ turn to be confused. "What do you mean you're not a jerk? You don't even know most people's _names_ in our class."

His eyebrows furrow. His face scrunches up just a little bit. "I know _your_ name. Isn't that good enough?"

And now she's looking at him. Glaring a little? "What's the name of the girl who has literal _ear_ jacks?"

"Long...ears?" When the fuck did this become a pop quiz? Just because they _live_ at their school now doesn't mean every breathing _moment_ should be _school._

"Bakugou-kun. You practiced with her for like a _month_ leading up to the cultural festival. How do you _not_ know her name by now?"

"I was focusing on drumming." He looks to the side. "Why would I pay attention to her name?"

"It's already second semester!" She breathes a heavy sigh. "What about our class representatives?"

"Glasses Ass and Skin Condition. What of it?"

"They helped you escape from the villains!"

"It's not like I _asked_ them to!"

Oh shit. The corners of her lips are pulled down into a deep scowl. She's not at all pleased with his response. "Then what about" —she begins to pointedly emphasize every word in her sentence now, as if each word were aimed as a blow to his gut— "the guy who eats sugar to increase his strength?"

"...We have someone like that in our class?"

She looks pretty done with him by now. Shaking her head, she tightens her hands into fists and — huffing — marches herself all the way back to the dorms. "I could never go out with someone like you," is the last thing he hears her say.

Leaving Katsuki there.

Alone.

"What the fuck just happened?"

* * *

"Wait, so Uraraka rejected you? Yo, that's _manly."_

"WHAT PART OF ME BEING REJECTED IS _MANLY,_ HARD HEAD?"

"No, I'm saying for her."

Him and Kirishima are lounging around in Kirishima's room. Shoveling snacks into his mouth in a fit of the anger stage of grief, Katsuki takes a look around the room. Kirishima calls the decor manly. Katsuki calls it weird.

"Dude, I can't believe she called you out like that!" Kirishima's laugh grates on Katsuki's ears. "Although I really shouldn't be surprised you don't know Sato's name."

"Who?"

"Exactly."

Katsuki chews angrily on his chips. Just because he doesn't know most of the people in his class doesn't mean shit. "I'm not a jerk," he grumbles again for the three-hundredth-and-twenty-seventh time. "I can't believe she rejected me." This is the five-hundredth-and-seventy-fourth time he's said _that._

"Dude, you've got to chill." Kirishima places a hand on Katsuki's back in an act of friendship. "Find a rebound girl or something. Just let this go, dude."

Katsuki glares at him. "If I find a rebound girl" —his glare intensifies— "and just let this go" —Katsuki's eyes are glowing red now— "it means I've _lost."_

"Lost what?" Kirishima's wearing a blank expression on his face. One that says he's _really_ not prepared for what's about to come next.

"My pride? My dignity? I don't fucking _know."_

"Look, Bakugou" —Kirishima's holding his hands up as if he actually, truly, and _naively_ believes that just physically signaling for Katsuki to stop will actually make him stop— "just calm down and—"

"She thinks I'm a jerk? I'll show her I'm _not_ a fucking jerk."

"...O-Okay. And how are you planning to do tha—"

"She thinks I don't know people's names? Just some words their mommies and daddies call them? Huh? I'll show her. I'll learn their fucking _names."_ Katsuki's spiraling. Is this the bargaining stage of grief? "I'll even become _friends_ with them. I'll become the friendliest motherfucker on the planet! Fucking _jerk_ my _ass!"_

"Okay, first of all, that's probably not appropriate. Second of all, while I respect the conclusion you've come to, I don't think the reasoning behind it is very sound—"

"If I accept her rejection, I lose!"

"No, Bakugou, she's just not interested—"

"She says I'm so much of a _jerk_ she could never go out with me? I'll show her! I'll make her eat her words! And then she'll be so charmed by my great personality that she'll _have_ to go out with me."

And with that, Katsuki dramatically stands up, dunks his now empty bag of chips into the trash can, and stomps out of Kirishima's room all while slamming the door behind him. Presumably to go off and friend the shit out of everyone.

 _And so begins Bakugou Katsuki's journey of self improvement, self realization, and love._

* * *

 **A/N:** Thank you so much for reading! This story really just came out of my desire to see some wholesome Bakugou interactions with the rest of the class. Some of that good content -eye emoji-

I'm going to try to update this once a week, if I can (sort of a big 'if' there, though)! Also, feel free to review with who you want to see Bakugou attempt to befriend first! Kind of thinking of Rikido Sato though, just because he got so much flack this chapter. I mean, not gonna lie, the only reason why he got singled out is because _I_ sort of...forgot...he was in the class.../sweats

Anyway, thanks again so much for reading! Consider leaving a review if you can, it would really make my day! c:


	2. First Mission

**Warning:** Bakugou is a violent guy

 **A/N:** First of all, thank you so so _so_ much to everyone who followed, favorited, reviewed, and read this story! I love and appreciate you all so much and honestly I probably read every single review at least 10 times with a dopey smile on my face because you guys make me so happy and I'm so happy I made you guys laugh! I'll respond to a few of your reviews in the bottom author's notes, so for now, I hope you enjoy the second chapter!

 **EDIT:** I messed up the first time and all instances of "Rikido" have been changed with "Sato" for consistency purposes.

* * *

He's been mulling over his rejection for a day now. And getting him to think things over for this long is nothing short of a miracle.

Because he's a genius. He can solve things as fast as he can explode them.

But this time he's got to _think_ about this shit. When she rejected him, when he decided to become a good fucking boy and be the most kind-hearted piece of shit there ever was, he realized something.

He, Bakugou Katsuki, is in a hostage situation. The hostage, in this situation, being his heart.

And the captor: Uraraka Ochako.

This is going to require careful negotiation.

Lying in bed, he instinctively begins to set off a few tiny explosions, for which he's going to have to kill himself for later when he has to clean the ashes off his sheets. But see, for him, explosions also help him _think_ — there are many healing properties of explosions that work exclusively, yet _nonsensically,_ for Bakugou Katsuki.

But back onto the terms of the hostage situation: he's gotta befriend his wholeass class or his chances with Uraraka are forever murdered. And because the only reason she gave for rejecting him was that he's not...the... _best_ person in the world...that means that if he does become a better person, she'll have to like him.

(No, Bakugou, that's really _not_ it.)

"Alright!" he exclaims, stubbornly ignoring any backtalk which may somehow poke its way into his brain. Clenching his fist, he extinguishes his quirk beneath. To start his mission off, only one person comes to mind.

* * *

Katsuki storms into the common room, the glare in his eyes practically signaling to the other students that he would be willing to push anything and, more importantly, _anyone_ out of the way if necessary. So like the rational human beings the rest of them are, the class 1-A students begin to slowly inch away from Katsuki and his murderous aura.

"Dude, what exactly _happened_ between Bakugou and Uraraka-san yesterday?" He hears someone whisper.

"Dude, I would totally tell you but then I'd die," a voice not at all unlike Kirishima's whispers back.

It's Kirishima's lucky day. He's not going to tell shit and he's _still_ gonna die.

Oh fuck, wait.

Katsuki's supposed to play nice here.

He takes a few hasty breaths. Balls his hands into fists and then relaxes them again over and over. At one point, he even closes his eyes. Slowly but surely, he manages to dial down his killing intent from a ninety-four to a seventy-six.

And before you inevitably say, "That's, like, almost zero change," you must consider this is _Bakugou Katsuki_ we're talking about. Any killing intent below a ninety percent is an improvement for him, and he's managed to take it down below _eighty._ It's really a miraculous occasion here.

"Which one of you" —Katsuki bares his teeth; because even with a diluted desire for murder, he still chooses to act like he was never properly civilized— "eats sugar?"

Silence.

More silence.

Damn, that's a whole lotta silence.

"Uh, Bakugou," someone finally chirps. It's Pinky. "I don't think a single one of us _doesn't_ eat sugar."

He's taken aback. What are these people? Stupid? "You know what I mean!" he yells. Because unfortunately, the term "indoor voice" doesn't apply to a boy who can easily turn any place into the outdoors with some sweat and a flick of the wrist.

But Pinky's unfazed. Rather, she's confused. Lifting a finger to her cheek in a state of deep thinking trance, she responds with, "No, Bakugou. We really _don't_ know what you mean."

Katsuki begins to gesticulate madly, because he's at a loss for words. "You know!" He desperately reaches into the non-swear-words section of his lexicon in hopes that he can formulate a more descriptive sentence. But honestly, what the fuck is there more to say? Dude eats sugar. There should only be one guy like that if Uraraka chose to single the guy out. So why are all his classmates playing dumb? Why doesn't anything ever go as planned for Katsuki? "The guy! Who eats sugar!"

"Like I'm saying, Bakugou, we _all_ have a sweet tooth here."

"Yeah, yeah, fucking _whatever._ But this guy's _different._ He-"

"Are you talking about Sato-kun?"

Katsuki has to physically bite back the urge to go, "Who?" because he knows who that (cute) voice belongs to.

Uraraka Ochako.

Fuck, who let her into the common room?

"Yeah. Him." Katsuki's voice is gruff but that's only to hide the fact he's already forgotten the name Uraraka had just said. "Do any of you know where he is?"

Kirishima and Uraraka exchange looks. As far as Katsuki knows, they're the only two people who know what happened yesterday, and the collective expression on both their faces say, "Oh no. What is he up to?"

He's up to some good, _that's_ what's up.

Before anyone can foolishly warn her against answering him though, Pinky replies, "Um...I haven't seen him lately, so he's probably in his room."

"Where's that?"

"Fifth floor."

"Alright." He turns around and waves a lazy goodbye. Act as nonchalantly as possible, Katsuki. "Thanks."

As he's leaving, however, he hears two very distinct:

"Holy _SHIT,_ did he just say _thanks?"_

"Seriously Uraraka, what exactly _happened_ yesterday?"

But before he can even process those comments in his head, the elevator doors shut in his face and he's whisked away to the fifth floor through the power of technology.

And now, he's here.

Okay, _breathe,_ motherfucker. You can't just back out before phase one even begins.

He walks around the hall, taking a peek at every door until he finds himself standing outside a room that he's _pretty_ sure is Sugar Dude's, considering he can see the dude baking some shit inside it.

And to be very honest, thank _fuck_ the guy's door was open because when he came up here, he didn't _actually_ know which room Sugar Dude's was; and he also forgot the guy's name, so it's not like reading the name plaques or floor plan would have helped much either. If the door hadn't been open, Katsuki would have had to guess which room Sugar Dude's was with only a twenty percent rate of success and, considering Katsuki's history with getting randomly kidnapped by villains, he's not _statistically_ the luckiest son of a bitch there ever was.

Don't tell his mom he said that. She'll kill him.

Katsuki takes a shaky breath. The idea of his mother utterly decimating him is a way scarier image than any fucking dude at this school.

Taking one last breath, Katsuki finally works up the nerve to poke his head into Sugar Dude's room. "Yo," Katsuki says. "You're that guy, right? The one who eats sugar."

Sugar dude is a _buff_ dude. And fucking _tall._ The guy's wearing a tank top and basketball shorts and from this ensemble, Katsuki can tell he's never skipped an arm or leg day in his life. If Katsuki weren't the big Explodey McBoomBoom man himself, then he's sure Sugar Dude could snap him in fucking half.

"Uh…" Sugar Dude gulps and gives an almost silent yet very nervous laugh. For all the buffness this guy has, he seems to be recoiling into himself. In fact, he's shrinking under Katsuki's gaze.

And why wouldn't he be? At this point, Katsuki realizes he's staring down Sugar Dude like this is the first time he's ever seen him.

To be fair, this might _actually_ be the first time Katsuki's ever taken a good look at the guy.

"Look." Katsuki sighs. An I'm-Not-Here-To-Hurt-You-Unless-You-Choose-To-Be-An-Idiot kind of sigh. "I just wanted to talk to you, is all."

Finally, Sugar Dude's tense muscles begin to visibly relax. "Oh." Sugar Dude slowly loses the traces of fear in his face, but the hint of awkwardness is still there, as he subconsciously begins to rub the back of his neck. "I was just surprised, Bakugou. I didn't know you knew my quirk."

"Yeah." Katsuki huffs.

There's a second of silence.

And then Katsuki's eyes widen.

He needs to continue the conversation. But how? He can't just go on by asking if Sugar Dude knows _his_ quirk because of _course_ the guy knows his quirk. It's the best quirk around and he's also top of the class.

(And also they're in second semester and probably the only person who hasn't paid attention to anyone else's quirks all year is _him,_ Bakugou Katsuki.)

That aside, what the _fuck_ is he supposed to say _now?_ Is he supposed to call Sugar Dude by name? Ask about his hobbies? Talk about how his sugar intake might lead to health concerns in the future, such as tooth decay and heart disease? What the _fuck_ is Katsuki supposed to talk about here? No one's ever taught him _social cues._

Fucking whatever. Let's just start with the easiest one: the name.

Oh wait.

Shit.

Katsuki's forgotten that he forgot the guy's name.

He's beginning to sweat now. And it's not the good kind of sweating from a goodass workout, no. It's the panicking kind of sweaty.

The fuck did Kirishima and Uraraka call him again? Taekwondo? Banjo Moe? Tree...cko? Oh wait. No. He's got it. Heh. Katsuki subtly wipes the beads of sweat from his forehead and smirks — he's such a motherfucking genius it's almost terrifying.

"Yeah, of course I know your quirk...Sad...Toe…"

Upon hearing that, Sugar Dude's face falls. And then he does the impossible — he somehow manages to bend the laws of both physics and the universe itself to give Katsuki a disapproving _side look_ all while _directly facing him._ "It's Sato," he deadpans.

"..."

"..."

"...Yeah that's what I fu...that's what I said."

"...So, uh…" _Sato_ pauses. Awkwardly licks his lips. Hums a little to fill the silence in the room. But because Katsuki doesn't know his fucking social cues, it still winds up being — what the fuck was his name again? Oh, that's right — _Sato_ to make the first move here. "So...Bakugou...what did you want to...talk...about?"

"Uh…" And in that moment, Katsuki swears his entire mind goes blank. "Yeah, uh…" Oh shit did he just black out for a second there? "'Kay cool. It's been a good talk." Katsuki swivels around on his feet. "Bye."

And he leaves.

Because he's a _dumbass._

* * *

By the time the sun's set and it's night again, Katsuki has been thinking all day. On his bed. Again.

He's got to reformulate his plan of attack, because today he just wasn't... _prepared._

 _Sato. Sato. Sato._

Katsuki's gotta keep repeating that name to himself or he's going to forget what the hell the guy's name is.

 _Sato. Sato. Sato._

He's even written down the guy's name several times in his notebook. Except he doesn't really take notes, so half of his notebook's contents already is just him writing "Sato" over and over.

It totally makes him look like a creep.

 _Sato. Sato. Sato._

How the fuck do people _make_ friends? What good is a friend _anyway?_ All you need is someone to train with and you're set for fucking life.

Shit but seriously, how is he supposed to approach this situation? Hot fucking damn does escaping this hostage situation require him meeting _so many_ fucking demands.

Okay, so to get a basic understanding of how he should go about this, he should begin a list of all the things he knows about the guy.

1\. His name is Sato.

2\. His quirk has something to do with sugar.

3\. He's buff.

4\. He's tall.

5\. He's in Katsuki's class.

Alright, so Katsuki knows five things about the guy. However, if you exclude all the _useless_ information, you're left with only _one_ thing Katsuki knows about the guy. And it's that his quirk has something...to do with...sugar. Which is...information...Katsuki's known since _yesterday._

So in conclusion, today he's made _zero_ fucking progress.

Great job, _assclown._

Alright then, with the _one_ piece of information given, how the fuck can he play nice with this guy? All he does is chow down on some fucking sweets.

Okay, so sweet things. Maybe that'll give him some ideas.

Katsuki's List of Things That Are Sweet:

1\. Sugar.

2\. Mochi.

3\. Cake.

4\. Basically all desserts.

5\. The taste of victory.

6\. Uraraka's personality.

7\. Uraraka's voice.

8\. Uraraka's smile.

Oh shit. Went on a tangent there. He's not blushing at all, though. No. Absolutely not.

But fucking _shit_ do feelings suck, and his are _unrequited_ for fuck's sake. Honestly, he wishes getting into her good graces were easier than being a friendly fuck but it's not like he can _buy_ his way into her heart.

Buying his way into her heart.

Buying.

Buy.

Katsuki's face suddenly morphs into the most shit-eating expression it's ever made, and it's all because he finally has an idea:

Bribery.

* * *

The next day, Katsuki storms into the common room with a suspiciously pink box in hand after a suspicious one-stop trip to the outside.

"What's with the box, Bakugou?" The fucking...uh — who is this dude? — Pikachu guy asks.

Well, since Katsuki doesn't know the guy's name, he supposes the best course of action is to just ignore the dude's question altogether. "Where's Sato?" he asks.

"Hey Bakugou," someone says from directly behind him and right into his _ear._

Needless to say, Katsuki almost blows up the dorm out of shock.

"Who the _fu-"_

"Bakugou! There's something sweet in the box, right?" When Katsuki turns around to face whatever dumbass chose to pull that stunt with him, he finds himself face to face with Pinky. She's sniffing really loudly. "I smell something _really_ good in there," she says, pointing to his pink box.

What the shit? Look, Katsuki has no idea about anyone's quirks save for like, five people — one of them being himself — but he's _pretty_ sure a good sense of smell has _nothing_ to do with Pinky's quirk.

"What's in the box?" she asks, already reaching for it before the last word escapes her lips.

Did _no one_ at this school ever learn their fucking manners?

Oh wait, _he_ goes to this school.

Maybe people here really _don't_ have manners then.

"It's not for you," is all Katsuki can respond with, though. Seeing the glint in her eyes, he raises the box above him and out of her grasp.

"Then it's for _Sato-san,_ right?" Pinky's drooling now, and she's even hopping up and down trying to reach the box. "But Bakugou, it smells really good. Can you give it to me instead?"

"No." Katsuki glares at her. Hey, if it's not _technically_ confrontational, he's still _technically_ playing nice, right? Also, _fuck_ she jumps really high. "Where's Sato?" Katsuki begins jumping in tandem to _her_ jumps because otherwise, there's no way she _wouldn't_ get the cake.

"If you give me what's in the box, I'll tell you!" She's jumping higher and higher now and Katsuki's worried that if this conversation continues, she might actually reach it. But after a few minutes of this — she's not ranked high in her athletic abilities for nothing, apparently — she finally stops her antics. And pouts. "He's in the kitchen."

Katsuki sighs and immediately stalks off to where Pinky says they are without even bothering to spit out any parting words. And _yes,_ he does look like _kind of_ a jerk in doing that, but actually, it's not because he wants to look 'cool' this time. No, he just doesn't want to let it be known that all of that bouncing up and down got him just a _little_ out of breath.

But on the other side of the common room is the open kitchen, where he sure enough sees Sato and Pointy Head. As in the guy whose head looks like a rock — and not in the way that Kirishima has a _brain_ like a rock. No, this guy's head is literally _shaped_ like a rock.

Who the fuck is this guy?

….Not important.

"Sato." Katsuki slams his pink box on the counter. "I got you this." Opening up the box to reveal five slices of cake, his next line is basically an order: "Eat."

Actually, Katsuki was only going to buy one big cake, but he didn't know which flavor Sato would like. So when he was at the bakery, he ended up buying one chocolate, one strawberry, one vanilla, one green tea, and one fruit flavor.

See, Uraraka? He's _already_ becoming more _considerate._

In theory, that is.

Because in response to Katsuki's demand, Pointy Head's sweating and his facial expression all but screams, "Oh my goodness, Bakugou-san's trying to _poison_ Sato-san."

Meanwhile the recipient of the gift, Sato, is just plain _confused._ "Bakugou, yesterday you came to my room to talk to me and today you're giving me a cake." Sato kind of squints at Katsuki, as if trying to scrutinize his intentions. "Is something up?"

"No." Katsuki points — rather pathetically — at the slices of cake again. "Eat."

And then, Katsuki smells it. A wafting scent of _sweetness_ permeating the air. A drool-inducing aroma that _isn't_ coming from _his_ cakes.

Katsuki's eyes furiously dart around the room trying to figure out where the smell could _possibly_ be coming from. Not the countertops (there's nothing on them). Not the cupboards (those are closed). Not the fridge (that's closed too). Not the ground (that would be unsanitary).

And then he finally finds what he's looking for — resting calmly on the palms of Sato's hands is a giant pile of _betrayal._

This buff fuck decided to _bake a cake_ and _not tell Katsuki._

Well, Katsuki also _bought_ some cake without telling _Sato,_ so...touché.

He's honestly not sure if Sato saw him copping a look at the fucking _treason cake_ in Sato's hands, but Sato still decides to make his wrongs _abundantly_ clear to Katsuki _anyway._ "Thanks for the offer, Bakugou, but I just finished baking a cake of my own. Maybe you could share what you have with the rest of our class, though?"

Katsuki glowers. These cakes aren't _for_ the rest of the class; it's an act of bribery for _Sato._

Also, Sato is probably on the same wavelength as Pointy Head in thinking that Katsuki's trying to poison him or some shit — Katsuki can see the doubt in his _eyes._ Which means, in asking Katsuki to share the cakes with the rest of the class, Sato is essentially taking the stance that it's okay to be _poisoned_ as long as it's not _him._

Honestly, Katsuki respects that.

"Why'd you bake a cake?" is all Katsuki can think to ask though, because he _really_ doesn't feel like giving Pinky the cake after he tried so hard to _not._ At this point, he's _this_ close to Bakugou-pouting. Which is self implosion.

"I was thinking of training a bit, since I feel like people are improving at a faster rate than I am." Sato brings his own cake closer to his face to take a whiff. Based on the brown specks riddled throughout and its scent Katsuki can finally pinpoint out as spicy-sweet, Katsuki's going to have to guess it's cinnamon flavored. "So yeah, I baked something just for the training. You know, because of my quirk and all."

No, Katsuki _doesn't_ know.

What the fuck _exactly_ is his quirk? Because it can't be _diabetes._ But because Katsuki's too proud to ask Sato what the fuck his quirk is, he doesn't open his mouth and do the logical thing of just voicing his confusion. Partially because it seems like Sato thinks Katsuki _does_ know all about his quirk. (Maybe it's because you _said_ you knew about his quirk, Bakugou.)

Anyway, he's not _not_ asking because he doesn't have the _balls_ to or anything.

...Not like he _has_ to ask, anyway. He's not almost top of his class for _nothing_ — he's paid attention in class and knows basic _logic._ If Sato's quirk has to do with sugar, and Sato is buff as fuck, then the only conclusion here is that sugar acts as steroids for the dude.

Hopefully.

Look, even if he were _wrong_ — which he can't be; he's Bakugou _Katsuki_ for fuck's sake and he's _never_ wrong — if he could even _possibly_ have the slightest _chance_ of being wrong, he's not going to fucking ask.

...Not because he doesn't know _how to,_ okay?

Oh wait shit, Sato said something about training, right? Because _that's_ some shit Katsuki _actually_ one hundred percent knows, _finally._

"You want to train?" Katsuki begins to set off a few pocket-sized explosions out of excitement. "Then come on, let's train."

That sentence, coupled with him continuously setting off his quirk, is nothing short of menacing. Thankfully for Katsuki, however, Sato is apparently _also_ an idiot, because he naively decides to go along with whatever it is Katsuki's planning. "Alright," Sato says, smile plastered on his face. "Thanks, Bakugou!"

"Um…" Pointy Head's voice is meek, and he's sweating bullets. Honestly, his presence is so thin Katsuki straight up forgot he was there the entire time. But it looks like this new turn of events has prompted Pointy Head to finally find his voice, because now he's trying to raise an objection. "Sato-san, is it alright if I join you two?" His voice is quivering, and he takes a frantic glance at Katsuki. "You know...just in case anything happens."

Katsuki huffs but it's not a _no,_ so Pointy Head winds up following them to the garden outside just a few minutes later, where all three of them choose to park their collective asses just a medium-sized explosion away from Heights Alliance.

 _This can't go wrong at all._

"Thanks again, Bakugou!" Sato's carrying his cinnamon cake in one hand and Katsuki's bribe in the other. "It's really _nice_ of you to offer to help with my training!"

Katsuki can't help but smirk. See, Uraraka? Katsuki knows his fucking _thesaurus,_ and the thesaurus says that _"nice"_ is an antonym of _"jerk."_

"So how do you want to train?" Katsuki asks. Shit, he's just so fucking thoughtful, _asking what Sato wants to do_. Heh, it's amazing how much of a not jerk he is.

Sato either doesn't notice Katsuki being his own hype-man or doesn't care, because he just nods with the stupid grin still plastered on his face. "Yeah. I was going to just practice some punches and kicks on my own, but since you're here, I was thinking of some combat. That alright with you?"

Oh, it's _more_ than alright.

Ever since Uraraka rejected him, he's been _very_ desperate to blow off some steam and honestly, this is the _most_ benevolent way to do so.

Turning his killing intent all the way back up to one-hundred-and-eighty, he motions for Sato to come at him. And, though he can't really see much past his murder-tinted glasses, he's _pretty sure_ he sees Pointy Head a few meters away from him spontaneously burst into tears the second Katsuki releases all his pent-up desire for destruction.

Honestly, Sato must never have cracked open a dictionary and looked up the definition of fear, because unlike his _friend_ — who's now curled up into a ball and shaking — he's unfazed. Rather, he's already lifted one of Katsuki's slices of cake close to his mouth.

And while Katsuki's _very_ desperate to just start this fucking fight already, he remembers that he's supposed to be _considerate._

"Yo, Sugar Digger, there any drawback to your quirk?" Katsuki asks, interrupting Sato right before the guy's about to take a bite.

Sato's eyes widen. His grip on the cake lightens. _Katsuki's fucking cake slips out of the guy's fingers,_ but Sato manages to regain command of his cognitive and motor functions right before it hits the ground and snatches the cake up. But as he picks it up, he seems to be trembling.

The dude's shocked to his core.

And _why_ the fuck _is he?_ Is it so fucking _absurd_ that Katsuki be _considerate?_ Is it not in his character to be fucking _nice?_ He's really _not_ a fucking jerk, and he's going to make sure Sato drills that fact into his stupid fucking head by the end of the day or he won't _live_ to see the next day.

Oh. Well...okay, now that he hears himself, he guesses _maybe_ he's not that much of a not jerk _after_ all.

In response to Katsuki being _considerate,_ Sato has to take a couple baffled breaths of air to funnel oxygen back into his brain. "Uhm...yeah. My quirk limits." Sato seems to be taking a few steps backwards, as if ready to run at any moment. You know, just in case Katsuki's not Katsuki (which, he very assuredly is not the _normal_ Katsuki). "If I...eat sugar...it increases my strength but decreases my cognitive functions...so I end up crashing afterwards."

Look, Katsuki's not an _idiot,_ but he also needs this translated into layman's terms. "So basically, the more you eat, the stupider you get." Oh. That makes sense. Well, in Katsuki's very _humble_ opinion, he's an _expert_ in not being stupid, so he's going to take it upon himself to bestow upon Sato some life-changing knowledge shit here. "If you get _stupid_ when you eat" —Katsuki begins, his voice just _exuding_ cockiness— "try to figure out your strategy _before_ you get stupid."

Sato's expression is entirely blank. Also, he's farther from Katsuki than he was before? "What do you mean...by that?" he still asks, though. Because even when he's _suspicious_ of Katsuki, he's nonetheless i _ntrigued._

"What I'm saying is: figure out your opponent's weak spots before trying to land a hit on them. Especially if your quirk backfires on your brain like that." Okay, Katsuki's kind of had it now. This is as considerate as he can possibly get throughout the course of a day, and really he just wants to punch something. Anything. He's fucking _tired._ Firing up his will to kill to an _unprecedented_ seven-hundred-fifty-thousand, he grins menacingly. "Unfortunately for you, I don't _have_ any weak spots." And with that, Katsuki raises his palm to face Sato and sets off his quirk.

 _Oh shit,_ that felt _good._

Oh wait, _bigger shit,_ that won't feel so good when Sato's body is discovered dead and Uraraka winds up hating him forever.

The ashes of dust slowly blow away, revealing a panting Sato beneath who's _barely_ managed to evade that blast by a split second, based on the burn marks on his clothes.

Katsuki's never said this about anyone before but _thank fuck_ the guy's still alive.

The sparks in his hand slowly fizzle out, and Katsuki reflects on his actions a little bit. Maybe training with this dude wasn't a good idea _after_ all.

But it looks like there wasn't much for him to fear.

Slowly wiping the dirt away from his face, Sato finally puts the smile back on his face. Rather than dying, Sato looks the most _alive_ he has since Katsuki met him. Which was yesterday. "What are you waiting for?" Sato taunts. "This is combat, isn't it? Hit me with your best shot."

Katsuki likes this guy. "Come on! Try and fucking hit me, coward!" Two more explosions. Pause. Another.

Running around Katsuki and trying to avoid all his detonations, Sato scarfs down his entire cinnamon cake in approximately seven bites, leaving Katsuki's cakes for later. And then he finally rushes in.

Leaping off one foot, Sato pulls his right fist out, relying on the force of the jump to propel himself into Katsuki's jaw.

But Katsuki's fighting instincts weren't born yesterday. Pushing the weight of his body onto his right leg, he turns his body ninety degrees in that direction so that Sato winds up flying past him. He raises his palm and sets off another explosion, this time hitting Sato point blank on his sides.

Sato blasts off, his body colliding on the grass again and again as he rolls and ricochets from the impact. At this point, Katsuki thinks the guy is done for, but Sato pulls out a cake from somewhere — seriously, where the _fuck_ is he hiding the cakes? — and stuffs it in his mouth. With a roar, the guy gets back up on his feet like nothing's happened and hurtles towards him again.

This guy's a certified _badass._

Sato opts to get close to Katsuki this time and go for an uppercut. Leaning back and towards his left, Katsuki grabs a hold of Sato's free arm and detonates the sweat collected on his palm. This time, Sato is sent flying upwards from the blast. But the moment he lands, he stuffs another slice of cake into his mouth and comes shooting forward towards Katsuki all over again.

...With all the explosions those cakes have endured up to this point, Katsuki can't imagine they taste _good_ anymore.

And so the cycle goes on.

Punch.

Dodge.

Kablooey.

Eat.

Repeat.

Finally, Sato's down to his last cake and Katsuki's kind of fucking winded. This might really be the end for the both of them.

But somewhere along the fourth or so slice of cake, Sato had apparently decided that this instance of training was going to be "Go for Broke," because he now seems very much unwilling to just spare his life and surrender. Downing his final slice of cake — it's the vanilla one, Katsuki notices — he rushes towards Katsuki in one last Hail Mary.

Well fine, Katsuki's used to this by now.

Sato shifts his weight slightly towards the right, which means he's going to _punch_ with his right. Katsuki, being the nice guy he is, decides to finally end it and just kablammo this guy right here, right now. But just as Katsuki rolls his body to the right, Sato suddenly switches his center of gravity, because rather than predicted, he veers to his _left_ instead and Katsuki feels blunt force on his gut.

"Found your weakness, Bakugou."

An explosion sets off.

When the dust cloud settles, Sato is lying face first on the ground and Katsuki is doubled over in pain.

Holy _shit,_ did Sato actually land a _hit_ on him?

A few seconds of silence pass before Sato grunts and slowly — _excruciatingly so_ — rolls over to face the sky. A few more seconds of silence.

And then he starts laughing.

Full, thunderous bellows that almost seem to incite an earthquake beneath Katsuki's feet.

"That"—Sato has to gasp for breath, both from the intensity of the fight and from laughter—"was a great fight, Bakugou." He takes a moment to calm himself down and gaze listlessly at the wispy strands of clouds beginning to gather again and float by. "Maybe you're not such a bad guy after all," he finally says, lifting his head up so he can face Katsuki with a sincere smile.

And Katsuki? Well, he smiles too. And depending on how cynical you are, it may or may not be for the reason you think it is.

 _Heh._

Capture Target Sato: Success.

Mission _fucking_ complete.

* * *

 **A/N:** Bakugou's a really intense dude and it's kinda hard to write him without verging into being _too_ problematic, , , , lol. So I really hope he's still funny here and not entirely terrifying, haha ^ ^ ;

Anyway, like I said, I'm going to respond to a few reviews from the last chapter here. But even if I don't respond to your review specifically, it doesn't mean I don't appreciate the ever-loving _everything_ out of it! (Like seriously, guys, thank you so much QQ)

 **Guest (Number 3):** Yoooo, how did you know I had been planning a conversation like that to happen between Jirou and Bakugou before you even commented that. It's not going to go _exactly_ as you mentioned, but my goodness are you _close._

 **Mighty TAB X:** We've talked this over a bit over PM but I definitely have a few thoughts on how to work your ideas into this fic, so look forward to that! :D

 **BlackDragonFish:** Thanks so much for saying I portrayed Bakugou perfectly! (I'm so used to getting characters out of character that it comes as a shock whenever people tell me I've written the characters well, LOL). Also, either my story is predictable or you guys are _really_ good at guessing, because I'm definitely planning on having Izuku be Bakugou's last friendship target.

Last but not least, **Supposes Erroneously** has put in a vote for Pointy Head...er I mean Koda...and Aoyama to be the next capture targets! But guys! It's not too late to cast your votes to see who you want to see Bakugou befriend next while I still work out whether or not fighting on school grounds is illegal in this universe or not. (Maybe Bakugou can try to befriend Aizawa? LOL) Feel free to leave a review if you have time and thanks again so much for reading this chapter! c:


	3. Sparkling

**IMPORTANT A/N:** So guys, uh, the first time I messed up because I thought Rikido was actually Sato's _last_ name when in reality it was his _first_ name. So now, Katsuki will be referring to "Rikido" as "Sato" and I've also edited the last chapter to reflect that. Anyway, I hope you enjoy the chapter!

* * *

"Bring your damn trash to me!" Katsuki roams around the common room, half-filled trash bag in hand after another long day of not having school.

Not because it's the weekend either.

But because he got suspended.

Again.

Turns out, fighting on school grounds — regardless of the reason behind it — is fucking illegal. So now he has to play as a shiteating garbage collector for the second time in a year and he's very much _not happy_ about it.

"Yo, got some used tissue over here," someone calls out.

"Oh? What's the used tissue from, hmmm?" someone else asks. They're sporting some weird, round mohawk on their disproportionately large head and even though Katsuki knows nothing about the guy, he already knows he dislikes him.

There's nothing new about that, though. He dislikes _most_ people upon first impression.

"Shut up, Mineta! It's from blowing my nose!" the first person retorts, and Katsuki only now realizes it's the Pikachu dude speaking. Chucking the wad of tissue at Katsuki like he's some kind of shitty basketball hoop, the guy gives a mocking grin and says, "Thanks for cleaning up for us, _Trash Man."_

Katsuki never fucking consented to this.

He didn't _not_ come up with a superhero name just for these chucklefucks to assign one to him.

What would his superhero tagline even be? "I'm Going to Trash You?"

Oh wait, that might not be too bad, actually. This could actually be a serious contender for his superhero name…

Fuck, that's not the point he's trying to make here. Just because he now _potentially_ consents to having that be his new shitstain of a superhero name, doesn't mean they should be calling him that.

"Don't call me-"

"Bakugou!" someone calls out from afar. "Have you finished with all the trash on your side yet?"

Katsuki, ticked off, turns around to face the source of the noise and _fight them_ , but upon seeing who the voice belongs to, his fiery demeanor begins to soften just a bit. _Finally_ in this hellpit of dimwit assholes, a fellow comrade.

Sato walks towards him from the other side of the common room with a trash bag nearly bursting at its seams in his hands. When he reaches Katsuki, they bump fists.

Sure as Katsuki is very much indeed _not a jerk,_ these two are pretty good friends now. Because it turns out, Sato's not just a good fight but a pretty good guy overall. Sure, they both got suspended for several days, but that hasn't stopped them from training in secret every now and then, and Sato's gotten noticeably better in just a matter of a few short suspension days.

Speaking of suspension…

Suspension is fucking bullshit.

Why the fuck was _Katsuki_ put on a three day leave and Sato only on _two?_ They both committed the _same fucking crime_ — they should both get the same fucking _sentence._

Well, actually the teacher with the eyebags — the one who looks like he's dead inside — said it had something to do with Katsuki being a "problem child."

Problem child his fucking _ass;_ this is a superhero school and superheros _fight_ for a living, so why in the shit _fighting_ is banned should be the real _problem_ here.

But with all that being said, it's Sato's last day of suspension and that means tomorrow, Katsuki loses a comrade in arms.

Fucking bullshit. Now instead of fighting other kids while everyone else is at school, he has to stay in the dorm and mope around or some shit. _Alone._ Who the fuck is he supposed to fight in his downtime now? _Himself?_

Well, believe it or not, Katsuki's actually tried that before and all he ended up with was a shitload of bruises and a brick landing on his head, so no, he's not exactly _inclined_ to try that again.

Sato yawns. One of those loud, prolonged ones that reminds Katsuki it's already thirty minutes past his bedtime of nine p.m. "If we're all done here"—Sato extends one hand out as an offer to take Katsuki's trash bag—"I'm going to go take these out and cram a bit, before heading to sleep."

Katsuki doesn't hesitate to take advantage of the offer. Hey, the less walking the better. "Thanks man," he says, passing off his trash bag while giving Sato a firm pat on the back. "Have fun in class tomorrow."

Both Sato's brain and body immediately malfunction as he has to process the Bakugou Katsuki standing before him.

Processing information…

Ah yes, this _does_ indeed seem to be the same guy who not too long ago wanted his superhero name to be "King of Explodo-Kills."

How he came to be this somewhat decent-mannered guy before him _now_ is beyond Sato's imaginative capacities.

But it seems after spending a few — like, four — days with Katsuki, he's gotten pretty used to the incrementally improved version of him, because he snaps back into consciousness after a few milliseconds.

"Yeah..." Him being accustomed to Katsuki's new and improved personality doesn't stop Sato from giving the guy a somewhat quizzical look, though. "Hope to see you in there soon too, man." And with that, Sato leaves Katsuki to give the common room one final sweeping on his own.

As Katsuki goes to pick up the broom somewhere in the supply closet, he finds himself wishing he could go back to class soon. Mostly because he has no idea how to continue on his mission without gathering information from a key item.

"Thanks for making the dorm so ~✧◇Sparkling◇✧~" he hears from somewhere as the bristly fibers of the broom begin to drag across the floor.

* * *

It's been two days since, and he's somehow made it into class early…

...And confused.

He's finally gotten his hands on the game-changing cheat item but he can't understand most of the words on it. For starters…

"What the fuck is an Aoyama?"

Oh wait, this is a seating chart.

Seating charts are for people.

" _Who_ the fuck is an Aoyama?"

Katsuki stares at the seating chart, trying to make sense of the strange hieroglyphics present on the paper. Damn, what are these words? _Names?_ Why are there so many kinds of fucking _names?_

Everyone should just be named Bakugou Katsuki, and life would be so much _easier._

And _better._

He hears muffled footsteps coming down the hall, sending Katsuki into a sweaty panic — he only has a few seconds left to quickly memorize the contents of this seating chart and try to write it all down in his notebook later.

(You know, because simply taking a picture would be _too easy_ for Bakugou "Genius Boy" Katsuki.)

The door slides wide open. "Oh! Bakugou-san!" Some guy with glasses enters the room with an expression on his face that can only be described as a mixture of surprise, happiness, and slight dismay that someone got to class earlier than him. "What are you doing here so early in the morning?"

In response to his question, Katsuki's panting a little, having had to propel himself into his seat with some small hand blasts the second he heard the guy place a hand on the door. There's no fucking way he'd let anyone know he needs a _seating chart_ to learn their names. (Not that everyone doesn't already know he doesn't know their names _regardless_ of a seating chart being involved or not.) "I just...missed being in class, is all," he mutters.

"What admirable spirit!" the glasses guy exclaims. He pushes his glasses farther up the bridge of his nose for the simple sake of letting the sunlight catch off of it. "Education is such a gift, isn't it?"

...What kind of a fucked dimension does this guy _live_ in?

Taken aback, Katsuki decides to just ignore him after the guy's ludicrous saying. After all, he has more important things to focus on, such as _copying down the entire contents of the seating chart into his notebook as quickly as possible._

Good thing Katsuki has photographic memory.

...That lasts approximately six seconds.

Katsuki grits his teeth in an attempt not to swear in front of glasses guy, who he's certain still thinks he's busy _studying._ The lead of Katsuki's mechanical pencil snaps as he applies more and more pressure against the paper in his efforts to remember the names on the seating chart.

Unfortunately, at this point, there are only six names from the chart he can remember: Uraraka, Kirishima, Sato, Deku, himself, and _Aoyama._

Is Aoyama even a fucking _name?_

He hears a few more people beginning to shuffle into the room, and he hastily shuts his notebook.

Look, Katsuki would rather face another _suspension_ than deal with someone seeing his "Cheat Guide On How to Make Friends."

Except eyebags teacher said that if he's caught fighting another student again, he'll be expelled.

So thank _fuck_ no one's reported him and Sato the last five times they've trained — as in engaged in more rounds of close combat — on school grounds.

But since he's only managed to remember the name of one new person, he might as well make the most of it. Scanning the area of the room and meticulously counting the seats, Katsuki finally pinpoints the seat he believes to be Aoyama's and locks onto it with laser-murder vision.

As the minutes pass by with him practically glaring at the chair, person after person walks into class, but none of them claim the seat that is Aoyama's. Not Pinky. Not Pikachu. Not Pervert. Not Sato.

(Well, of _course_ not Sato. Otherwise he'd know "What an Aoyama Is.")

But just as Katsuki's about to call it quits and assume the guy is either sick, dead, or sick _and_ dead, some guy with immaculately side-swept blond locks literally _twirls_ into the room and delicately lowers himself onto the chair Katsuki's been staring at for five minutes now.

"~✧◇Sparkling◇✧~"

Oh.

 _That's_ an Aoyama.

* * *

 **Capture Target: Aoyama. Attempt Number One.**

Katsuki has been formulating his plan for a while now, rather than paying attention in class like the good student his grades make him out to be. Look, what worked _last_ time has got to work _this_ time, right?

And what worked _last_ time was fighting.

People _love_ to fucking fight. And if Katsuki knows anything, it's how to throw the _fuck_ down.

He's just going to have to pray here that no one's going to report him again to the fighting police though, or he really _will_ get expelled this time.

So the second the students all get back to the dorms, Katsuki takes Aoyama aside and invites him to a friendly tussle.

"Fight me" are his exact words.

(...Believe it or not, he's _really_ trying his best here.)

"Oh, non!" Aoyama protests. Or, at least, Katsuki _thinks_ Aoyama is protesting, because he...winks (?) upon saying that. His purple eyes _glimmering_ for some reason, Aoyama cries out, "I cannot unleash my _twinkles!"_

Katsuki's never been this confused in his entire life, and he was absurdly rejected by Uraraka _just last week._ He's really starting to feel like his life has gone downhill since then. "And why...can't you unleash your twinkles?"

"If I showcase the full extent of my powers onto you, I will go"—Aoyama tilts his head backward, places the back of his hand onto his forehead, and strikes a dramatic pose—"Ah~✧◇" Somehow, he manages to produce an _echo_ of his voice even though they're both in the center of a relatively empty field in the Yuuei gardens and there's nothing for his voice to reverberate _off_ of.

Katsuki has no idea what the fuck is going on and, honestly speaking, he's kind of afraid.

...Except he's not a coward, so actually no, _fuck that shit,_ he's _not_ afraid.

Just slightly...concerned.

For himself.

 **Capture Target: Aoyama. Attempt Number Two, Day Number Two.**

Okay, so fighting didn't work. But here's the thing — fighting was only a subsidiary of the original plan, which was _bribery._ And Katsuki knows for a _fact_ that bribery _should_ work.

Maybe.

Anyway, he knows literally nothing about this guy Aoyama other than he likes to say the words "◇✧~Sparkling~✧◇" and "✧◇~Twinkling~◇✧" all the time, so Katsuki's going to go out on a limb and assume the guy likes shiny things.

Cool.

Katsuki found a shiny _rock_ the other day while _totally not sulking over getting rejected by Uraraka_ and he's pretty sure Aoyama will like it.

The rock, that is.

Yet when, out of the corner of his eye, Katsuki sees Aoyama turn around the corner of the dorm hallways, Katsuki suddenly freezes in place.

Ah shit, Katsuki _still_ hasn't learned any _social cues;_ how the fuck do you _gift_ someone something? Say hi first? A friendly how-do-you-do? Ask them to just take the gift, _baka?_ Maybe Katsuki should've played some more of those dating sims, considering they always have gift events and _maybe_ he would have learned how to give a gift by now if he _had_ played them.

While he's been wasting his time trying to figure out how to interact with other people, however, Aoyama's already begun to disappear from his sight.

This, of course, causes Katsuki to enter panic mode. _Fuck,_ there's no more time left to think and now he can only act on instinct.

...Which is...to throw the rock...at Aoyama.

And just so you know, this is Bakugou _Katsuki_ we're talking about, so of _course_ his instinct isn't to give Aoyama a friendly neighborhood lob to receive his gift.

No, Katsuki fucking _spikes_ that shit and it _hurtles_ towards Aoyama at an impressive four-hundred-forty-four kilometer per hour speed.

"Ouch~✧◇"

"...Shit."

Katsuki dashes the fuck out of there before he can be seen and reported.

 **Capture Target: Aoyama. Attempt Number ?, Day Number...Five or Something.**

Katsuki's tried literally _everything._ He's exhausted every. Single. Option.

He's left shiny shit on Aoyama's desk. On his seat. In his _room._ Once in his downtime from this "Friendship is the Realest Quirk of All" bullshit, he even caught something shiny in Pokemon Lustrous Sparkling Epsilon Cerebrum Voltaic Yellow and was planning on gifting this shiny pokemon to Aoyama before realizing the guy didn't own a 9DS XXL with separately sold controllers.

Point is, Katsuki's tried every-fucking-thing he can think of.

(Which, to be fair, is not a _lot.)_

So this is how Katsuki finds himself _here_ — in Sato's room — munching on some strawberry shortcake with Kirishima.

Damn, this shit is _delicious._

"Hey, why have you been so obsessed with Aoyama lately?" Sato asks, smoothly handing Katsuki another slice just as Katsuki takes his final bite. "Is something up?"

The room falls to silence, with Kirishima and Katsuki refusing to look at each other.

See, even though Kirishima isn't exactly the _smartest_ guy to ever exist, he can still tell that this is all part of Katsuki's effort to prove he's _not_ the greatest jerk of all time. Which is very, _very_ questionable, in Kirishima's opinion.

"Someone even said they overheard you trying to pick a fight with him the other day," Sato continues, either incapable of reading the mood or just ignoring the mood altogether. "But you know, I don't think Aoyama would last well in a fight against you. You _do_ know about his quirk limit, right?"

...Does Katsuki actually look like the type of person to know _anyone's_ quirk limit? He barely even knows his _own._

But now that Sato's talking about fights, there's something that _has_ been weighing on Katsuki's mind since their very first fight. Something that Sato said.

Some kind of fucking bullshit.

"Hey, Sato. Remember our first fight?" Katsuki accidentally sets off a mini explosion out of irritation from the memory.

Sato's kind of used to it though, since all he does in response is lift the rest of the shortcake out of the blast zone. "Yeah, of course I remember. It got me suspended for the first time, after all."

Katsuki scowls. Way to rub it in that he's already been suspended _twice,_ asshole. "You know that thing you said when you finally landed a hit?"

Sato raises an eyebrow and the corners of his lips curl up just a bit. Seems like that was a good memory for the guy. Asshole. "Oh? That I found your weakness?"

"Yeah." Katsuki crosses his arms and huffs. "The whole time I thought you were just running around aimlessly, but I guess you really _did_ listen to my advice, huh?"

"Oh yeah, of course I did." Sato chuckles, waving his hand like he's waving away Katsuki's false assumption. "You're pretty overconfident, so your stance always leaves a ton of openings. I figured if I could just subvert your expectations, I could probably land a hit. So, you know, all the first few attempts were just a ploy to get you to drop your guard."

Sato's smiling at Katsuki like he's oblivious to the fact he just dropped a fucking bomb.

Eyes wide, Katsuki repeats the only information that matters from Sato's little monologue there. "I'm overconfident…"

Oh.

So _that's_ why he hasn't been able to friend Aoyama yet. It's because he was too _confident_ his old method of gaining one single solitary friend would work _again_ on Aoyama.

If Katsuki wants to be friends with Aoyama, he should just ask the guy himself what he likes, instead of forcing the guy to just go along with his antics.

Katsuki stands up, the crumbs from Sato's sweets unceremoniously tumbling off his clothes. "Thanks for the advice," he says.

And leaves.

 **Capture Target: Aoyama. Attempt Number ? + 1, Day Number Still Probably Five.**

"So this is Brie, this is Camembert, this is Gouda, and this is—" Aoyama goes on, pointing at each cheese that's set on the silver platter before them as he goes down the list.

What the fuck does any of this _mean?_

At this point in time, Katsuki's moved from Sato's room to _this_ guy's, and he's fidgeting a bit out of irritation. Still, this guy looks pretty _sophisticated,_ and Katsuki doesn't want to reveal his peasant upbringing to the guy by blasting all his cheese off into outer space.

But look, you can't hit Katsuki with the fact that people have _names_ and then come out with some shit that _cheeses_ also have individual names. Katsuki can't even distinguish what he sees on the plate. All he sees is round cheese...square cheese...red cheese...blue cheese...all in varying shapes of clumpy or not.

"Can you...explain again?" he reluctantly asks.

"Ah, but this is already the sixth time I've introduced you to my lovely cheeses!" Aoyama pouts, but in an odd way where the corners of his lips never fall. So really, he's pouting with his eyes. "But the more I explain, the more the cheese will age, and so I suppose the more delicious they will become~✧◇" Aoyama's mood seems to pick up again with that thought, and he sends another wink in Katsuki's direction.

Okay...this...is too much.

Too much cheese. Too much winking. Too much confusion.

At this point, he's just going to have to swallow whatever the fuck else is left of his pride and just fucking ask.

"What do I have to do to become your friend?"

...

...

...

Shit, he didn't actually mean to say that.

How the fuck can he retract his words? Can he swallow them back from existence? Can the _earth_ swallow him back from existence?

"Friends?" Aoyama delicately places a finger on his pointy chin, his ever-vacant expression still ever-present on his face. "What do you mean, Bakugou-san?"

Oh shit. Chance: Get. Time to retract those _fucking_ words.

"What I mean is, you know, I just wanted to know a bit more about you and—"

"We're already friends though, aren't we?"

What?

Since when?

"After all, how could I not be friends with someone who puts in the effort to make the dorms as ◇✧~Sparkling~✧◇ as you do? " Again, another wink. "And don't think I haven't noticed all your ✧◇~Twinkling~◇✧ gifts to me!"

Something in Katsuki's head signals off.

 **Capture Target Aoyama: Success.**

He's taken aback. Shit, was it _really_ that easy to become friends with Aoyama _this whole time?_ Bribery actually _did_ work?

"Ah, anyway, let's go over the cheeses again!" Aoyama exclaims, clapping his hands together (exactly once) in excitement. "This one is Gouda because it's so good it makes you go Ah~✧◇ and this one is—"

Fuck, since they're already friends now, does this mean Katsuki can leave?

* * *

 **A/N:**...So if this chapter seems in any way rushed, it's because it...was~◇✧ I had the terrible idea to procrastinate until literally the last minute and most of this was written in a 12-4 am haze and the rest edited just 3 hours later after waking up from a v short sleep, so I'm really sorry for the lack of quality this time, I just wanted to do good on my promise to deliver a chapter once a week at (around) the same time. Maybe I'll come back later and edit this for quality but I gotta bounce real soon so I just wanted to get this out as soon as possible, sorry.

Some replies to reviews:

 **TheSilverHunt3r:** I really like your idea for Todoroki's friendship arc, and I will almost definitely be using it! However, I think Todoroki will only become a capture target sometime in the middle to end of the story, since as **BlackDragonFish** already said, he kind of hates the guy right now so it would be hard for him to befriend him like this right now.

 **crissylover:** Thank you so much! But as for the Kung Fu Panda reference I...don't know what you're talking about, LOL. And I'm honestly really curious about what I wrote that might look like a reference to it, so if you see this, please tell me...LOL

Also, next chapter will definitely be Koda! Thank you so much for reading and feel free to leave a review if you can!


	4. New Beginnings

**A/N:** I was going to name this chapter "Bitches Love Sticks" but didn't want to risk getting permabanned for poor decisions lol

Also, special shoutout to Wikihow for some of this content!

* * *

He's sick of this friendship shit. He's fucking. Sick. Of. It.

A few days ago, he tried to talk to Frog Girl and Education Fetish Glasses Guy. But the second he even _tried_ to force out even a single word, something went off in his brain. Something that announced:

 **You must have at least Empathy Level 10 in order to befriend these two characters. You are currently at Empathy Level -2.**

When that message signaled off in his brain, he had been so confused his mind had stopped processing any information whatsoever; and by the time he had come back into consciousness, he had found himself suddenly back inside his room.

Really. The fuck is an empathy?

Is it like...one of those things where those political bitchasses..the ones who believe in peace — what were they called again? oh yeah — those _ambassadors..._ is it like when ambassadors go off to other countries and try to talk shit out with other political bitchasses? Like...in negation? Negotiation? One of those two, he thinks.

Oh wait, no, that thing with the ambassadors — that's called an embassy.

Then what the _fuck_ is an _empathy?_

It's a question that's been bothering him for a while now, especially considering every time he's tried to talk to other kids in class (half of which he didn't know were in his class to begin with), his mind kept striking him down with that fucking empathy shit.

 **You must have at least Empathy Level 4—**

 **You must have at least Empathy Level 6—**

 **You must have at least Empathy Level -1—**

What any of this means is beyond him, but what he _does_ know is that it's preventing him from making some damn friends. Because every time he tries to talk to people now, he gets fed _this_ bullshit and then he forgets how to talk to people like a _normal_ person.

(Well, Bakugou doesn't actually talk to _anyone_ like a normal person, so that's a moot point.)

So he's fucking tired and he's fucking _done._ Which is why he's resorted back to his most reliable — and probably only — trick in the book.

Bribery.

He's gonna bribe Uraraka and maybe if he does this shit right...maybe he can just skip all this friendship shit altogether and they can start dating.

Man, that thought hit him like an arrow through the heart. Him... _dating_ Uraraka.

He's spent several nights thinking of what it would be like to cuddle with her. How soft her body would feel pressed up against his — her back resting comfortably against his chest, his chin resting along the crook of her neck, his hands intertwining around her waist.

He's thought about what it would be like to hold her close to him and feel her giggle as his breaths tickle against her ears. He's wondered what it would be like to feel her small hands enclosed in his, what it would be like to tangle their fingers together and never want to let go.

It pains him how much of a fucking sap he can be at times.

So _fuck_ this proving to everyone _else_ how much of a _not jerk_ he is. The _only_ person he needs to prove he's not a jerk to is _Uraraka._ And rather than all this beating around the bush _shit,_ he's going to take _direct action._

He's going to _bribe_ her and his bribe is going to hit her in her damn heart if it's the last thing he very damn well does.

Okay, so how in the shit does he go about this?

Sure, Katsuki knows how to bribe someone but he doesn't know how to bribe someone into a romantic _relationship_ with him. In fact, he's pretty sure the last two briberies only worked because Sato and Aoyama aren't...the brightest people to ever exist.

Well, Aoyama's a bright kid for a different reason altogether.

For a while, Katsuki ponders over what plan of action he could possibly take to accomplish the amazing feat of scoring a date with Uraraka. But he's either a stupid idiot or tired (it _is_ 10 p.m. after all) and can't come up with anything worth the narrator's time to explain.

Katsuki gives a sharp exhale. Pulling out his phone, he scours through the internet for advice on what to do, before deciding to just _fuck it_ and excavate the lost relic of Wikihow to Wiki-How-To-Bribe-Someone.

 **Part 1: Preparing to Bribe Someone**

 **Decide whether your situation calls for bribery.**

...Of course it does. He wants to date Uraraka, and there's no other way to do that than to bribe her. Next fucking question.

• **Do I really need the thing I'm asking for? Can I handle the situation or just go without?**

Well, he doesn't _need_ to be Uraraka's boyfriend, but he sure _wants_ to be. And no, he really _can't_ handle the situation. That's why he's on fucking _Wikihow._

• **Can I afford to offer something in return?**

Does this mean...as in money? His parents aren't exactly strapped for cash right now, so he's _pretty_ sure he can offer money. Unless this means what he _himself_ can offer. Well, he could...be her training buddy? Take her out on dates? Be a portable heater? Actually, the more he mulls over this question, the more confused he gets. Next.

• **Will this bribe change people's opinion of me?**

Yeah, of course it will. It'll make them think, "Hot _damn,_ he's dating Uraraka? Wow, what a hot couple."

• **Will that make my life harder down the road?**

If he's dating _Uraraka,_ there's no way his life could get harder. Well, maybe his _wallet's_ life could get harder if he chooses to take her out pretty often. (Which is what he plans to do, because she deserves it.) Or wait, his life could get pretty hard if he's forced to drive pests out of the way as a result of how cute she is.

Fuck, she's so cute he really _can't_ blame other guys for being attracted to her, though.

• **Will the bribe become an expected part of our relationship?**

...Save that question for when he's _in_ a relationship.

Impatient now, Katsuki begins to furiously scroll down the page, looking for something _helpful._ Where's the part where it says what to bribe people _with?_ Give him some fucking _ideas,_ man.

But he reaches the end of the page just to find fuck nothing. So he begins to skim through the questions, hoping someone's also enough of a stupid fuck to have asked how to bribe someone into being your girlfriend.

" **How to bribe my teacher?"**

Who the fuck cares?

" **How to bribe my mom?"**

Just do your damn chores, _moron._

" **How to bribe my friend?"**

Give them some cakes and then _fight_ them, you dimwit.

...Unfortunately for him, however, that's the end of the questions section. Which means most people have never had to resort to _bribery_ to get a girlfriend.

(Yeah, because most people are _normal,_ Bakugou, and know when to _give up._ )

Fucking losers.

Well, guess he has no other choice but to Youtube this damn shit.

...Maybe _he's_ the fucking loser here.

* * *

He's spent all night researching how to bribe a girl into going on a date with him, so he's gotten approximately forty-two minutes of sleep in all night. All during the adrolls.

But he's got a fucking plan. A fucking barely _coherent_ plan from his lack of sleep, but it's a plan nevertheless.

See, last night while browsing through video after video of awful advice, he had stumbled across a meme at around 3 a.m., and it's taught him some shit.

In the video, there had been a bird. A wise bird. And what it had said had changed his life:

Bitches. Love. Sticks.

And he doesn't know if it's because he had entirely lost his sanity by 1 a.m. and being awake at 3 was just overkill for his already addled brain, but he had watched that video over and over trying to absorb all the knowledge that video had imparted unto him.

And while he very damn well knows Uraraka is the farthest thing possible there is from a bitch, that video gave him an idea.

Picture this: flowers.

He's going to give her some fucking flowers.

Because _flowers_ are just like enhanced sticks, right? They're basically sticks with added embellishments. Like, on that level 24 stick evolution shit — they've gained so much EXP from photosynthesis they've leveled up.

So Uraraka's _gotta_ like that stuff, right?

Katsuki stares at the empty classroom before him, trying to take a couple breaths to calm himself down. Staying up all night means he's had enough time to run to the florist's and back here with plenty of time to spare before the start of class.

And he's _honestly_ thankful he stayed up all night. Otherwise there wouldn't have been enough time for him to make five trips to the same florist. Because on the way back to school, he kept getting so worked up over the idea of dating Uraraka that his sweaty hands kept setting all those botanic little fuckers ablaze. So by the fifth time he went to the florist, the florist had by then _expected_ to see Katsuki again and had gifted him a vase to hold the flowers in.

He doesn't say this often about people, but that florist guy...he's a smart dude. Because of him, Katsuki's finally managed to get to school with all his flowers intact.

Truthfully though, he had wanted to gift Uraraka some pink roses to match her pink cheeks, but he had burned them all during his multiple fuckups, and the florist hadn't been willing to give him any more towards the end. So he ended up settling with white roses, and now he's wondering if he should've chosen the orange ones instead.

...Ha, no that would've been too embarrassing.

Another deep breath, and Katsuki finally begins to head towards the back of the room, straight towards Uraraka's seat. As delicately as he can manage, he places the vase on her desk and begins to arrange the flowers so they puff out a bit more.

 _Don't sweat, don't sweat, don't sweat…_

—is his counterintuitive mantra, as the more he thinks about not sweating, the more he ends up sweating.

Listen, if he winds up setting his fifth set of flowers on fire, he's going to chuck this vase out the window.

"Oh! Bakugou-san!" someone suddenly says behind him. "What are you doing?"

Katsuki pauses. Every part of his body stops, from his hands to his toes to the beating of his heart. Slowly — very slowly — he turns around to face whoever it is like he's a shit-tier villain caught in an act of attempted robbery.

"I—"

" _Oh!_ Bakugou-san! What are you _doing?!"_ The guy's voice this time takes a much different tone. The tone of a kindergarten teacher about to throw their student into five day's worth of timeout for running with scissors. Pushing his glasses high up the bridge of his nose, he begins madly pointing at the vase on top of Uraraka's desk. "Bakugou-san, I've heard about what happened between you and Uraraka-san, but just because you've been rejected doesn't mean you should resort to bullying!"

Bullying?

What part of giving a girl some damn flowers looks like bullying?

"And if you're going to bully the girl, at least get the right kind of flower! It's not white roses, it's white _chrysanthemums."_ Glasses Guy keeps his elbows held at a constant around chest level, furiously waving his forearms up and down like a lever. "If you're going to bully her, at least soak her indoor shoes or extort money out of her! Don't default to something as old-fashioned and conspicuous as holding a mock funeral for her!"

...Oh, shit. _That's_ what he looks like he's doing?

Also, why is the _class representative_ trying so hard to teach him the _correct_ way to bully someone?

"Bakugou-san! Think about what you're doing!" Glasses Guy continues. "If you need someone to talk to, I'm happy to refer you to our school coun—"

"I'm not trying to _bully_ her, alright!" Katsuki almost punches the vase off the table out of frustration. Really, where did he go _wrong_ in all of this?

Upon hearing Katsuki, Glasses Guy's intense arm waving slowly grinds to a halt. "Oh," he says, fidgeting a bit with his glasses. "Then what are the flowers for?"

Katsuki gulps.

 _Sure,_ he could tell Glasses Guy the _truth,_ but the _truth_ makes him look like a desperate sap and he _doesn't_ want that to be his new image. But not telling the truth means he's going to have to lie, and let's be real here — he's really bad at coming up with lies on the spot.

"Bakugou-san, what are the flowers for?" Glasses Guy repeats, scrutinizing him through his stupid glasses.

Katsuki's eyebrow twitches.

Swiftly snatching the vase off Uraraka's desk, he stomps towards the front of the room, and dumps it on Aoyama's. "A gift," he finally says, wrenching all the flowers from the vase. He guesses he'll just have to figure out where to dispose those later.

"Oh, yes!" Glasses Guy chuckles, his demeanor shifting from wary to approving in an instant. "That would make an _excellent_ gift for Aoyama-san!"

...Katsuki knows this guy is just saying that because the vase is shiny and not because the guy actually knows shit about Aoyama. If he _did,_ he would have known Aoyama would have preferred fine cheeses — paired with charcuteries and crackers — over some stupid _vase_ any day of the week.

As Glasses Guy walks off to take his seat and a few other students begin to shuffle their way into class, Katsuki tosses the bouquet of roses into his bag.

"Oh, who could have gifted me something so ~✧◇✦Marvelous✦◇✧~"

Katsuki sighs.

At least his plan worked out for _someone,_ he supposes.

* * *

Class today was especially awful, what with all those perplexed glances his way once someone new would catch sight of the roses poking out of his bag. He's pretty sure he caught a few kids exchanging wary looks, as if to ask each other who might be the next unfortunate victim of his affections — _especially_ after his rejection from Uraraka.

And while a part of him wants to yell out, "Bull- _shit,_ the only person I could like out of anyone here is Uraraka and _only_ Uraraka," the other part of him no longer wants to open his mouth to yell _anything_ out, because it feels like everything he's said and done lately has been wrong.

He can't even give a girl so much as _flowers_ without having people expecting the worst of him.

He misses the old days when it was just mutual ambivalence between him and the world. But now, he's caught feelings for some girl and is just stumbling around in the dark of his emotions like some bumbling fuck.

So here he finds himself, white roses in hand, out in the Yuuei gardens — in the same patch of greens where he had confessed to Uraraka over two weeks ago.

He wonders if setting these flowers on fires could also just set his feelings on fire and burn them to a crisp.

He doesn't want these feelings anymore.

He doesn't _want_ his heart constricting the breath out of his lungs every time he thinks of her. He doesn't _want_ his organs to trampoline themselves in his stomach every time he hears her voice. He doesn't _want_ to be reminded of his apparent failure at being a decent person every time he sees her. Most importantly, he doesn't want these stupid fucking _roses_ anymore; but five trips to the florist is a surprising amount of cash and he's reluctant to part ways with something that cost him so much.

...Damn, it's really starting to settle in.

Rejection _hurts._

Katsuki's always been the type of guy who could just punch himself out of any situation, but he can't just punch his _feelings_ away. Every part of him hurts and all he can think to do is look at his stupid white roses and think about everything he's done wrong. Ever since his rejection from Uraraka he's—

"Oof!"

—been tackled straight to the ground.

What the fuck?

"Oh my goodness! Bakugou-san, I'm so sorry!" he hears from somewhere farther away, as wet slobber begins dribbling down onto his face.

Seriously, _what the fuck is going on?_

Whoever had been calling out to him has apparently now reached him, because he feels the weight of the _whatever it was_ on him being lifted off him.

"Bakugou-san? Are you alright?" Pointy Head asks from above him, grabbing hold of some brown, curly-haired mutt.

He didn't know Pointy Head was strong enough to hold a large dog like a baby.

Turning his head to face the dog now, Pointy Head begins to chastise it. "Coco! You can't knock people down like that!"

The dog woofs in response, panting with its tongue lazily hanging out of its mouth.

"Hey! Did you find Coco yet?" a more feminine voice calls from behind them. It's a voice Katsuki immediately recognizes.

"Yes!" Pointy Head yells back, frantically inspecting Katsuki for any damage to his person. When Katsuki gets back up on his own as a demonstration of how unharmed he is, Pointy Head gives a sigh of relief and yells back again to the girl, "Bakugou-san found her, actually!"

Katsuki didn't find _shit,_ but he's not about to admit that.

Not in front of _her,_ anyway.

Her footsteps gradually get closer and closer, and he can hear the dog swivel its body to begin running in her direction. "Coco, why did you go running off like that?" she asks, squatting down to look the dog directly in its beady eyes.

It gives a delighted bark, before nudging its head into her cheek. The girl responds in kind to the dog, and the sight is enough to make Katsuki's heart the size of a walnut melt just a bit.

Uraraka — with her arm draped around a dog's shoulders — nuzzling her round, pink cheeks to the dog's head should either be classified as one of the eight great wonders of the natural world, or as a crime.

She turns to face him now, eyes glittering under the sunlight and a smile still on her face. "How did you find her?"

Katsuki looks off to the side in a obvious attempt to hide his blush. "...Dunno." He wants to act nonchalant about this whole thing but he's dying on the inside over how cute she always inadvertently is. "It just ran up to me, is all."

Uraraka begins to run her fingers through the fur around the dog's neck, giggling as it furiously shakes its head out of joy, its long ears flapping up and down in opposition to slap against its head in competing intervals. But as both her and the dog begin to calm down, Uraraka turns to look at Katsuki again and notices something strange in his hands.

"Bakugou-kun…" She tilts her head to the side, question mark practically written all over her face. "What's with the flowers?"

...Shit.

He forgot he was still holding the roses.

How the fuck is he going to get out of this one? He doesn't know how to _lie._

"Did you plan to give those out to someone?" she continues.

Katsuki's sweating bullets all over again. Why do flowers make him look so _suspicious?_

For a split second, Katsuki blanks out on what to do. Then the next thing he knows, he's shifted into a baseball pitcher's stance.

And then he flings those stupid little botanic fucks into the sky.

Holding his hand up to act as shield against the sun's harsh rays, he waits to see the bouquet disappear into the clouds above before facing Uraraka again. "What flowers?" he asks.

Uraraka's mouth is agape as if she can't believe the lengths he just went to to avoid her question.

The dog, on the other hand, excitedly bolts in the direction he just threw the roses in.

Shaking her head incredulously like she's trying to wrestle her mind back into reality, she tries again to obtain an answer out of him. "Seriously, Bakugou-kun. What were the flowers for?"

"Like I said"—he glares at her, willing her to shut up so he won't have to embarrass himself— "what flowers?"

The dog yaps somewhere in the distance. Uraraka swivels her face towards the direction of the noise, when suddenly a smirk _slams_ itself onto her face. _"Those_ flowers," she jeers, jabbing her thumb off to the side to make evident the dog bounding towards them.

The dog bounding towards them with a bouquet of white roses in its mouth.

For a moment, Katsuki fears the dog is going to turn up to him with roses in its mouth and blood streaming from its gum before he remembers, _Oh yeah, I made sure to buy un-thorned roses._ And then Katsuki remembers the dog being injured by the roses isn't his problem here.

The problem is the dog played _fetch_ with his roses and now those stupid fucks are back in his hands.

"So, Bakugou-kun"—Uraraka pointedly says, sounding as if she's trying her best to fight back her giggles—"what's with the roses?"

Uh...haha, fuck. He didn't think this would happen, so he never prepared an actual answer to the question.

So taking into account all the knowledge he's ever gained from those two baseball animes he's watched, as well as the actual baseball sports events he's occasionally caught on television, he faces to the side, lifts his left leg up high...and jettisons those roses straight up into the sun.

Again, the dog barks and runs off in the direction he threw it in.

Again, Uraraka is dumbfounded he would do something so transparently stupidly not once...but _twice._

Again, the dog prances back up to him just moments later with the roses in its mouth.

Katsuki's internally weeping at this point. Is it really so hard for the universe to give him just _one_ thing? Ripping the flowers from the dog's mouth, he throws it again so far he's pretty sure the roses landed in America.

...And sure enough, the dog finds it in a matter of minutes.

Does this fucking dog have hidden jetpacks for paws or something?

So because his tactic didn't work the first three times he's tried it, of _course_ Katsuki goes for a fourth attempt.

And of _course_ it still doesn't work by the fourth time.

 _Damn,_ Katsuki can't help but think to himself. _Bitches really_ _ **do**_ _love sticks._

But just as he's about to give his plan a go for a fifth time, Uraraka gives him a _look._ One that tells him she'll probably kick his ass if he keeps this up.

And while he's pretty sure no one but All Might in his prime could take him on in a fight and actually _win,_ he's not exactly in the best state of mind to be picking a fight with the girl he likes.

Surprisingly though, someone beats her to the punch.

"Bakugou-san, I don't think you should be playing fetch with Coco anymore. You'll tire her out." Pointy Head is fiddling his thumbs like he's nervous, and he has every right to be.

Katsuki literally forgot Pointy Head was there beside him the whole time.

"Ah! Koda-kun, does that mean you'll be sending Coco home now?" Uraraka sticks out her lower lip in a pout, inching towards the dog so she can use their combined cuteness to deal double damage on their upturned-puppy-dog-eyes attack.

Pointy Head — well, Katsuki supposes his name is _Koda_ now — vehemently shakes his head. "No, no!" His demeanor frantic, he leans down to begin petting the dog. Whether it's to calm down himself or the dog, Katsuki doesn't know. "I just didn't want her to get too tired out."

And then Koda and Uraraka both apparently become entranced in stroking the dog's chocolate-colored coat.

Minutes pass by where the two of them giggle and play with the dog while Katsuki awkwardly stands around, fidgeting with the stems of the roses in his hands and fighting back the strong urge to just throw them away while no one's watching.

Just as he finally works up the courage to leave, however, a single voice stops him in his tracks.

"Bakugou-san, do you want to try petting Coco too?" Koda innocently chirps.

Katsuki, unsurprisingly, isn't actually a big fan of dogs, so no, he _doesn't_ want to try. But Koda's looking at him with expectant eyes and Uraraka is slapping the ground next to her as if imploring he sit next to her, and he would have to be a _jerk_ to say no in this situation.

So with a soft sigh, Katsuki sits himself down between Uraraka and Koda, setting aside the flowers behind him.

And then he realizes something.

He doesn't like dogs.

So he's never in contact with dogs, usually.

So he doesn't know how to fucking _pet_ them.

And he's not about to pull up Wikihow and Wiki-How-To-Pet-A-Dog right in front of these two either.

Katsuki gulps. Slowly, hesitantly, very fucking tentatively, he reaches out to the dog's tail. There's no particular reasoning behind it; it's just that he resonates with the boundless energy of its tail the most.

Yet upon seeing what he's doing, Koda all but smacks Katsuki's wrist with the wrath of a thousand demons. "No, Bakugou-san! You can't pet a dog's tail, or they'll get anxious!"

Then, Koda snaps out of his anger mode.

And begins sweating out of fright.

"Goodness, Bakugou-san, I'm sorry!" Koda seems to be hyperventilating just a bit now. "I didn't mean to hit you!"

Katsuki, contrary to his usual character two weeks ago, however, isn't at all angry.

He's just confused.

"Then how are you _supposed_ to pet a dog?"

Koda blinks. Uraraka blinks. Katsuki, upon noticing this, also blinks out of a sense of obligation.

"You have to let the dog into your personal space first," Uraraka says softly, finally breaking the silence. Just her whispers are enough to send shivers down his spine and a pink tinge on his cheeks. "Hold out your hand like this." Loosely cupping her hands, she turns her palms over to face the sky.

The dog immediately rams it face into her hands, licking at her fingertips. Taking advantage of the opportunity, Uraraka uses her other hand to begin stroking the fur around the dog's neck. Between fits of "Coco, that tickles!" she tells Katsuki, "Now you try."

Katsuki slowly licks his lips.

But he's not a coward, so he holds up his palm to face the sky just as Uraraka instructed him to do.

The dog fucking ignores him.

A few minutes pass by where Katsuki's hand is suspended in still air and the dog just continues happily taking turns playing with either Uraraka or Koda. And now Katsuki's forearm fucking _hurts_ from keeping his hand in that position for so long. Unwillingly, his arm begins to tremble.

Taking notice of Katsuki's unfortunate condition, kind Koda stops petting the stupid mutt, and in doing so, helps Uraraka take notice to stop too. Nudging the dog in Katsuki's direction, Koda gives a subtle nod and a kind smile. "Don't be discouraged, Bakugou-san."

The dog begins to sniff his hand. It takes a few anxious looks back at Koda but every time it does so, Koda coos, "It's okay, Coco." And every time he says that, the dog soothes down just a little bit more. Slowly, it lowers its head until its nose grazes the skin of his palm.

It kind of tickles.

The dog opens her mouth. She sticks her tongue out, giving Katsuki's fingers a few tentative licks.

It's slobbery and wet and really does kind of tickle, but Katsuki doesn't hate it.

"Go on," Uraraka says from beside him, and he knows she's so close to him he can practically feel her body heat radiating onto him.

Another deep breath. Slowly, he reaches his other hand out, and — trembling — places his hand on the dog.

Her fur is so, so soft.

His hands twitch. Like second nature, his fingers begin to run along the length of her coat, sinking in just deep enough to immerse themselves in a jungle of fur and just shallow enough not to scratch her skin.

Coco barks, and Katsuki jumps a bit at it, but realizes it's not a protest to his actions. Rather, she creeps closer and, placing one paw on each of his thighs, she leans closer to give him a lick upside the entire length of his cheek.

And Katsuki can't help himself at this point.

He's laughing. Deep, uninhibited peals of laughter that aren't speckled with some twinges of self-loathing for the first time in two weeks.

"Ha! Coco, that fucking tickles," he chortles. And while he's playfully trying to push her off him, there's nothing about his body language that says he doesn't enjoy Coco's attention.

In between sessions of his laughter and petting and play-fighting with Coco, Koda faces Uraraka and quietly says, "You know, dogs are a good judge of character."

Uraraka's entire face suddenly erupts in red. Eyes frantically darting around to find any excuse to change the conversation, they land on the white roses behind Katsuki and she begins to stammer, "Oh, h-haha, guys, w-wow, did you know that white r-roses are symbolic of p-purity and innocence, as well as n-new beginnings?"

Katsuki pauses for a bit. Coco, taking note of this, runs back to Koda's side and begins snuggling up to him.

 _New beginnings,_ huh?

Actually, in his downtime, Katsuki's been thinking about how he's gone about things for a while now.

He's wondered about his motivations for his actions. He's wondered if it's really right to make nice with people for the simple sake of getting back at Uraraka for rejecting him. He's wondered how much of a good guy he can even appear to other people if none of the reasons for him wanting to be so are, well, _good._

He's wondered if it's possible to start again from ground zero. He's wondered if he can just start himself over again and pursue her affections like any regular guy, and not just a scorned one.

He looks over at Uraraka — her hands covering her face and the tips of her ears dyed a deep red.

 _New beginnings, huh?_

He likes the sound of that.

 **Congratulations! Your Empathy Level grew from Level -2 to Level -1.**

 **Congratulations! Your Empathy Level grew from Level -1 to Level 0.**

 **Congratulations! Your Empathy Level grew from Level 0 to Level 1.**

 **...** Seriously though, what the fuck does that mean?

* * *

 **A/N:** I know I said this would be a Koda chapter, but I think it became a Kacchako chapter if anything. Whoops.

Also, I have no idea who to write next, so you guys have free reign over it! So far the votes are as follows:

Jirou: 1

Mina: 1

Todoroki: 1

Tsuyu: 1

Iida: 1

Shoji: 1

LOL. Please vote on them or any other character in this franchise you want Bakugou to befriend next, because trust me he and I aren't giving that friendship thing up! Also, I'm going to be on a five-day vacation this week, so I might not be able to update next week. But thanks so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed!


	5. Calculus Comrades

**A/N:** *stares at chapter title* **Soviet Russia theme blares in the distance**

Hi guys! I'm really sorry I couldn't update last week because of vacation and traveling and jetlag, so thank you guys so much for your patience and understanding. I really hope this chapter can make up for the wait!

Also, this chapter is dedicated to the lovely **athenaevm** for helping me come up with some of the ideas and also for motivating me to finish writing this the past two weeks LOL.

Enjoy!

* * *

 **Monday**

There are those who say he popped out of his mother's womb screaming and hasn't stopped since. Well, okay, only one person says that. That person being his mom whenever he refuses to shut up.

...Anyway, the point is he doesn't know what it means to "quit."

See, one might believe that just because he's decided to restart his relationship with Uraraka, he's given up on this whole friendship thing. But at this point in time, he's already conquered the hearts of three people and a dog, and the number's far enough along he just resolves he's gotta stick with the program now.

He's either going to become the number one at making friends or he's going to become the number one dipshit.

Undisputedly _best_ best friend title, here he comes.

...Only problem here is: he doesn't know how to go about that naturally.

"Hey, Bakugou! How you doing?" Pinky once asked him. Yet at the time, he wasn't doing so great and didn't know how to lie and answer back positively, so he didn't reply.

Another time, Electrobolt Boy asked him to join his crew for dinner, but because Katsuki had already eaten before then, he had passed on the offer.

 _Damn,_ Katsuki can't help but wonder, _why is making friends so_ _ **hard?**_

It's a question he's still asking himself in class even as Ectoplasm tells them all to get into groups.

Groups?

For what?

"Sensei!" someone chirps up. "How many people in a group?"

Ectoplasm smiles and turns to face the student, giving Katsuki a brief glimmer of hope that _maybe_ the teacher will answer with more information than necessary and Katsuki can figure out why they're getting into groups in the first place.

"There should be six groups of three and one group of two," Ectoplasm responds. Except he falls back into silence right after, despite Katsuki's mental coaxing of the guy to just _please_ re-explain what the shit's going on.

Unfortunately for him, though, Katsuki's Super-Mega-Deluxe-Special-Edition-Quirk-Package doesn't include telepathy, because Ectoplasm never heeds to his silent pleas.

The rest of the students begin shuffling around, looking for people to group up with them. Katsuki, dumbfounded, follows suit because what else is he going to do? Politely _ask_ the teacher to repeat everything? He's not a damn nerd, so no thank you.

So when out of the corner of his eye he sees Aoyama, Katsuki immediately makes a beeline towards the guy. "Oi," Katsuki shouts out. "You wanna be in a group or what?"

The sparkling boy swivels his head around as if he were just _waiting_ for Katsuki to ask that. Ever present smile on his lips, he exclaims, "Ah, Bakugou-san! What a coincidence!" He gets off his chair and pats off the dust — an act suggesting Katsuki to sit on it and physically present himself as part of Aoyama's gang. "I was just about to ask you the same thing, for I believe a team of you, I, and Midoriya-kun would be ~ ✧◇✦Superb✦◇✧ ~" Aoyama then performs a flamboyant twirl or seven before landing in a pose with one hand pointed at his chest and the other pointing at dumb _Deku._

...Just like quirks, even Katsuki has his limits.

As much as he's trying to be a friendly guy here, there's no _way_ he's going to allow himself to buddy up with fucking _Deku_ of all people.

The beginning of a "No fucking way" barely parts from his lips before Kirishima suddenly rushes in — tears streaming from his eyes — and grabs him by the lapels of his school blazer. Shaking Katsuki back and forth, Kirishima whines, "Please, Bakugou! _Please_ be in a group with me! I don't think I can afford another three percent on something in math!"

Normally, Katsuki would flat-out refuse to do anything with _anyone_ this candid about their stupidity, but frantically glancing back and forth between Kirishima and Deku, Katsuki decides redhead _dumbass_ over here is the better of two admittedly terrible options.

Mostly because he realizes rejecting Aoyama the way he was about to probably would have set him back around fifty steps in terms of his "friendliness factor."

"Yeah, I can't be in your group then, Aoyama." Katsuki slings his arm around Kirishima's shoulders, as if to show-off how buddy-buddy they are. Being better friends with Kirishima could make a perfect excuse for getting out of this predicament. "Can't have groups of four, after all."

Kirishima looks like he's been resuscitated from a tragic death. Aoyama seems as downtrodden as one can look with the corners of their lips still pulled up to their ears. And Deku looks annoying.

Still, Aoyama doesn't voice any objection to the decision, other than a soft, "Oh."

So just like that, he and Kirishima bounce the heck out of that conversation, hopping around corner to corner of the classroom to look for anyone else to join their party. Unfortunately for them, though, Kirishima is an idiot and Katsuki not only has no idea what's going on, but also has a...bad reputation when it comes to collaborative efforts.

Meaning no one is either dumb enough or alone enough to want to be with them.

They had asked Sato, but the guy shook his head and said he had already paired with Koda and someone else. They had asked Glasses Guy because he seemed to be without a group, but he had bluntly turned them down because he said they would be "too difficult to work with." And Kirishima had kept elbowing him in the ribs telling him to ask Uraraka to be in their group, but by the time Katsuki had worked up the courage, she had already been snatched up by Deku and Aoyama.

Fucking.

Deku.

So it comes to the end of the allotted three minutes for making groups and there are now two groups of two and one loner.

One of the groups of two being Katsuki and Kirishima.

Ectoplasm slowly looks over all 2+2+1 of them — _wait, that adds up to five_ — and sighs, loudly showcasing his disappointment at the freshmen for not being able to do even one thing correctly. "Will either of you guys accept Todoroki into your group?"

Without even so much as _looking_ at Katsuki to consult with him, Kirishima instantly shoots his hand straight up into the sky. "We'll take him," he loudly declares.

Take...who?

Katsuki looks off to the side, only to groan when he sees it.

Icy Hot.

 _First_ the second license exam, now _this._ How about a big fat no?

"Oi, Spike Tyke," he growls, turning back to face Kirishima, "can't we just stay as a group of tw—"

And then he finally takes a good look at Kirishima, whose eyes are watering up all over again. His head lowered as if in reverence of the almighty Bakugou Katsuki, Kirishima's hands are clasped together so tightly his knuckles are turning white. "C'mon, man! Todoroki's smart and I _need_ a grade boost right now or my old man's gonna kill me."

 _Damn_ Kirishima and his _damn_ crocodile tears. Katsuki doesn't know whether Uraraka's paying attention to them or not, but he's still sensitive about appearing a _jerk_ in front of her — and ignoring the desperate cries of a friend in need would certainly be one of the biggest jerk moves he could pull right now.

"...Fine," Katsuki relents, gritting his teeth.

He better not regret this later.

"Alright then," Ectoplasm says, clapping his hands together to gain the attention of the rest of the class who have been off distracted by their own conversations up until now. "Kirishima, Bakugou, and Todoroki, you'll be a group of three. And Kaminari and Mineta, you'll be our group of two." The teacher glances over the rest of the class, subtly nodding his head in approval of the groups that have been formed. "Remember, this will be due on Friday morning, so you have only four days — including today — to complete it. You may now have the rest of class to discuss with your group partners."

The announcement is followed by a short moment of silence, before the rest of the class slowly begin to resume their individual conversations. Amidst the noise, Todoroki makes his way towards them. "So you guys understand what we're doing for our project, right?" the guy asks.

 _Oh,_ so they're getting into groups for a _project._

 _Finally_ someone answered his prayers here.

In response, Katsuki fires back at Todoroki with a blank expression on his face. A blank expression that can be read either one of two ways: "Yes, fucking _duh_ I know" or "No, I _don't_ fucking know what the project's about, please help me."

Of course, because Katsuki doesn't pay attention in class, it's obviously the latter of the two. But Todoroki doesn't know that. Nobody actually knows that. Instead, Todoroki simply continues with, "Then how are we going to split up the work?"

Kirishima's bottom lip begins trembling. Is he...whimpering?

Katsuki clicks his tongue in annoyance.

Kirishima's not a dog. He's not Coco. His right to whimper shouldn't be protected by the _law._

Rolling his eyes because he knows Kirishima isn't _man_ enough to admit to his faults in front of their new partner, Katsuki says, "We can't split the work. Kirishima over here hasn't known math since the fourth grade."

"Hey! I'll have you know, I've been able to keep up with it up until the sixth—"

"So we're just gonna have to do everything as a group, or we're not getting shit done."

Silence.

Well, actually it's not silent — the room is still as loud as class 1-A normally is...when on _training grounds._ So really what he means by silent is that Kirishima and Todoroki both have their mouths shut tight and eyes open wide.

"B-Bakugou," Kirishima finally manages to say. "When did you become so much of a team player?"

Katsuki's taken aback. Fingers twitching as if trying to force back an urge to implode himself out of embarrassment, he takes a quick glance at Uraraka off to the side — happily chatting it up with Deku — before emitting a soft, "...Dunno."

* * *

 **Tuesday, 4:23 p.m.**

Katsuki respects Icy Hot.

The guy's been at it since 2 p.m. trying to explain to Kirishima — the "Jock With a Brain of a Rock" — what sines, cosines, and tangents are.

Well, now it's 4:23 p.m. and the only thing Kirishima's gotten out of this is that sines and cosines "sound like they should be spouses" and tangents "are basically tanned gentlemen, right?" At approximately 3:47 p.m. there was progress in that Kirishima finally learned there were "ones and zeroes involved," but that was all the math he managed to get into his thick head in the _two straight hours_ Todoroki had spent up until now.

So like any regular person in this sort of situation, Katsuki's having a hard time holding in his irritation, considering he's had to stay over in the classroom _well_ after class ended. All because dumbass-stage-left over here can't get his fucking shit together.

Katsuki would _much_ rather be playing with Coco right now.

Funny story actually, he recently found out that the day he met Coco was also the same day Uraraka and _Koda_ met Coco; and they had only named her Coco that afternoon because of the color of her fur.

That's just insanely witless.

So Katsuki's not letting Uraraka name their children — at this rate, she might end up calling their child "Small."

Oh shit.

Katsuki flares up from the base of his neck to the edge of his hairline.

Why did he bring the idea of _children_ into this?

Flustered, Katsuki's hand flies towards the scratch paper both Todoroki and Kirishima have been looking at, practically ripping it from underneath Todoroki's pencil.

As if the idea of him being _conspicuous_ would somehow make his blushing _less_ so.

"Here, _dumbass,"_ Katsuki yells out. He didn't intend to yell, actually, but embarrassment subconsciously raises his volume by seventy-five percent. "Let me teach you this shit instead."

Todoroki's typically neutral expression shifts to that of a neutral expression that's barely edging the verge of a frown. "No, there's no need for that. Kirishima's almost got it."

Katsuki looks over at Kirishima, who's now pulled out his phone to calculate 94+3.

...Right, Kirishima's "almost got it."

"You and him have been at it for over two _hours_ now." Katsuki scowls. "It's time for a different teacher, don't you think?"

Even without the use of his eyelids, Todoroki seems to be glaring at him. "He just needs twenty more minutes—"

"Look, how much help can he _really_ get out of someone who looks like a _candy cane?"_

At this, Kirishima finally looks up, mouth agape in the form of an "O." As in "O... _shit,_ if this goes south I might die today."

But without even the slightest moment of hesitation, Todoroki simply says, "Actually, the peppermint in candy canes increase alertness and act as a relaxant in stressful situations. And the sugar in them increase energy, meaning there's more energy to study."

After hearing this, Kirishima's mouth is still in the shape of an "O." But this time, his raised eyebrows and his failed attempts at suppressing the laughter bubbling out of his chest means that _this_ "O" is for "O... _shit,_ Bakugou just got _served."_

Katsuki squints in annoyance.

Is Todoroki _challenging_ him?

"Fine, Todoroki." Katsuki slowly lifts the corner of his mouth in a cocky smirk. "Or, after that explanation, should I call you To- _Dork_ -i?" He licks his lips, anticipating to see the world of hurt just _written_ all over Todoroki's stupid face after _that_ creative zinger.

But Todoroki doesn't even so much as fucking _blink._

Rather, he's blankly staring at Katsuki as if to urge him to try again.

...Well, okay, _fine._ He'll _try again._

"Or maybe you'd prefer _Tofu-_ roki," Katsuki declares. Then pauses. And blinks. And immediately realizes that nickname doesn't make sense _with_ or _without_ context. "You know, because you're so unresponsive, you're like a piece of tofu left out to dry in the sun."

He didn't know it was possible, but that explanation somehow makes even _less_ sense now.

And just as expected, Todoroki is unimpressed.

"...Totoro-ki, then?"

Oh?

Did Todoroki just raise an eyebrow?

Did he finally get a reaction out of h—

"Somehow your nicknames seem to have gotten worse," Todoroki deadpans.

Ensue pregnant pause. Followed by a Kirishima enthusiastically inserting himself into this conversation.

"Yeah, Bakugou." Kirishima's fucking _garbage_ at holding back his giggles. "These nicknames aren't even offensively charming anymore." But when Kirishima catches a whiff of Katsuki's anger in the air, he quickly begins backpedaling. "I mean, it's still charming though! You know, just not in the classic...Blasty...McSplode...way."

* * *

 **Wednesday, 5:47 p.m.**

Katsuki _knows_ he ditched them in the classroom yesterday after they both had the _gall_ to insult his naming skills, but _this_ is idiotic.

How has there _still_ been zero progress made here?

It's after school hours _again,_ they're still sitting in the classroom _again,_ Kirishima's mumbling about his confusion _again,_ and Todoroki's being a shit teacher fucking _again._

Unable to hold back anymore, Katsuki tears the pencil out of Kirishima's hand. "Fucking _dumbass._ Let me just _show_ you how this problem is _supposed_ to be done." Tightly gripping the pencil as if trying to crush it into bits, Katsuki begins to both verbally and physically work out the math problem. " _First,_ you add everything in the parentheses. _Then,_ you double what's in this parentheses up here. _Next,_ you take the square root of this. _Now,_ you" —Katsuki stares at this toxic concoction of a math problem in his hands, because suddenly it no longer makes sense— "and then you" —bringing his hand to his head in a display of confusion, Katsuki _glares_ at the paper now, willing the x's and y's and fucking z's to just solve their damn selves because what _is_ this— "and then you...you... _fuck."_

Kirishima raises an eyebrow. "Bakugou, you're gonna have to at _least_ treat me to dinner before you're getting _that_ outta me."

For a moment, Katsuki's at a loss for words.

And then the gears in his head start turning again and he recollects them in the "Lost and Found Articles" section of the dusted library of his brain.

"That's not what I fucking _meant,_ asshat!" Katsuki roars. "Get your mind out of the damn gutter!"

"Aw, geez, dude." Kirishima pouts. "I just said that because I wanted to get my mind off of things. I'm just really _frustrated,_ you know?"

F-frustrated?

"Yeah. I mean, like, real men don't even _need_ math," Kirishima laments. "Why's it gotta be so _difficult?"_

Oh, _that_ kind of frustrated.

"Actually, real men use math to figure out their finances and to pay their taxes fully and on time," Todoroki pipes up. "It helps the economy prosper."

For a brief and glorious second, Kirishima's actually silent, allowing those words the time they need to digest in his brain. "Oh...well if you put it that way, I guess real men _do_ need math then," he finally concedes.

"Great," Todoroki says, pulling out a bowl of soba. "Then let's figure out the formula to calculate the height of this building in this problem."

Huh?

When did their project go from basic trigonometry to trying to figure out the height of a building?

Also, _why_ does Todoroki have a bowl of soba with him?

Where did he _get_ it from?

"Guys, I normally wouldn't say this, but could you two just do everything and let me take some of the credit?" Kirishima bangs his head onto the desk. Whether it's a sign of desperate begging or exasperation, Katsuki doesn't know. "It's so unmanly of me to ask, but I'm at the end of my rope here. I will actually _pay_ you to do this for me."

"No," Katsuki says without skipping a beat. There's no hint of mercy in his words, either. Mostly because Katsuki can't "do everything" for Kirishima in this project since he literally _still_ has no idea what this project is about.

"But I—"

 _Slurp._

"Kirishima, look, I can't—"

 _SLURP._

"But _please,_ Bakugou, I—"

 _ **SLURP.**_

"TODOROKI STOP FUCKING SLURPING YOUR DAMN _FUCKING_ NOODLES!" Katsuki slams his hands on the desk. "I CAN'T _HEAR_ MYSELF OVER YOUR SHITTY EATING HABITS!"

... _Slurp._

That does it.

Katsuki leans over the desk and rips the chopsticks from Todoroki's hands. "If _we're_ not eating, _you_ shouldn't either." He glares at the little Half-and-Half bitchass.

"But I'm hungry," Todoroki says in his perpetual monotone, reaching out to grab his chopsticks back.

Does this fucker actually wanna have a go at it?

Turns out he does, because just as Katsuki moves his left hand — the one holding the chopsticks — out and away from Todoroki's reach, Todoroki places _his_ left hand on the desk to support his weight and then leans his _entire upper body_ across said desk to get his chopsticks back.

Does this boy _really_ love his noodles this damn much?

Katsuki glowers. He holds his left hand high up in the air, but then remembers Todoroki is taller than him. So trying to keep the food batons out of Todoroki's grasp might not _work_ for too long.

Fuck.

Well, time for Plan B: place free hand on Todoroki's _face_ in order to conceal his vision. Because he can't get what he can't _see,_ right?

...No, apparently not.

Because even as Katsuki roughly parks his wholeass palm on Todoroki's face as if to say "Stay back, you fiend!" and begins _pushing_ him, Todoroki is still as headstrong — _literally_ — as ever about getting back his dumb noodles.

And so there they are — just two bros chilling in a classroom, fighting over a pair of eating utensils while a third bro looks on and weeps over his fallen state of humanity because he's pretty sure he's going to fail the project at this rate and his dad's going to ground him until retirement.

Classic bro stuff.

...Until Todoroki's left hand on the desk slips.

While he's still using his head to fight back against Katsuki's hand with — as Newton would say — an opposite, but equal, reaction.

Which causes his body to slip and the guy's _right_ hand to come careening down to the side towards Katsuki.

In other words:

Todoroki.

Slapped.

Him.

"Ow! What the fuck was _that_ for?" Katsuki cups his poor, somewhat bruised cheek in his hand, the chopsticks long forgotten on the desk.

"Sorry, it was an accident." Todoroki's eyes briefly glow with a twinge of concern for him, before he picks his chopsticks back up.

And then Todoroki's palm comes flying back at Katsuki's other cheek.

"OW!" Katsuki yells, even though Todoroki didn't actually slap him much harder than a light tap on the cheek. Look, just because he's not hurt _physically,_ doesn't mean he's not hurt _emotionally_ either. "WHAT WAS _THAT_ FOR?"

"For disrespecting the soba."

* * *

 **Thursday, 3:19 p.m.**

It's fucking crunch time now — the project is due tomorrow, they've got basically nothing done, and Kirishima's still an idiot.

In summary, it's a tragedy in three acts.

"We have to _graph_ this?" Kirishima cries out. "I can't _draw."_

"Well I can't either," Todoroki says, never looking up from the problem he's working on.

"Bakugou, can you-"

"It's just a _line."_ Katsuki's left eyebrow twitches. "There's nothing hard to draw _about_ that."

"But these lines are _curvy,_ dude." Kirishima hardens a finger and slices a shitty parabola through the paper. He's been doing that a _lot_ recently. "I never draw them evenly," he mutters. A soft sigh follows after.

There is so much wrong with Kirishima, and not being able to draw half an ellipse is only the least of it.

"How much would it seriously cost to have you two do it for me?" Kirishima wails. "Ten thousand yen? Fifteen thousand? _Twenty_ thousand?"

"There's no way you have more than five hundred on you right now," Katsuki retorts, still trying to work out his own problem. Something about calculating the height of that building they were talking about last time. _Which_ building, though, he doesn't know.

Kirishima crosses his arm and insolently looks off to the side. "Actually, I only have _seventeen_ yen on me, thank you very much."

"...Why would you _say_ that?"

"I can just _withdraw_ if I need—"

"No! If you're going to offer some kind of monetary compensation, at least _have_ it at the ready!"

"What kind of _high-schooler_ walks around with twenty thousand yen _cash?_ "

"The kind that doesn't want to do their own _work."_

The two of them have by now gotten up and out of their seats, circling each other like sumo wrestlers about to duke it out. Both glaring at each other, both clenching and unclenching their fists, both baring their teeth.

Todoroki's scritch-scratching of trigonometry on paper fills the air, in absence of the silence that would have otherwise occupied it. "The more time you spend fighting, the less time we have to complete this," he apathetically states.

" _Yeah,_ Bakugou." Kirishima pushes a paper filled with _his_ part of the assignment into Katsuki's face. "Quit fighting with me and just do my part. It's faster this way!"

Katsuki.

Is.

 _Pissed._

Why does Kirishima keep insisting on _him_ doing two shares of the work? Katsuki's already busy enough trying to deal with his _own_ shit and Kirishima's too lazy to just pick up a textbook and figure out a few simple equations and order of operations on his own?

Snatching up a random sheet of paper off their shared desk, Katsuki begins rolling it up in his hands, almost crushing it in his anger.

And then he smashes his new weapon upside Kirishima's stupidass head.

"Don't fuck with me! You wanna be a mooch forever, huh?" Another hit on the head. " _I_ know you can do better than this and _you_ know you can too! So fuck off with your whiny baby shit!"

" _Mmph."_

He freezes, one hand still in the air and ready to strike again.

...Wait, what was that sound?

It sounded like...muffled gagging.

Katsuki looks down at Kirishima, whose head is cradled tenderly in his hands. But he _knows_ Kirishima would have instinctively set off his hardening quirk the second he saw the roll of paper coming after him, because there's no way something like _this_ could actually hurt him.

So, if it wasn't Kirishima, then it would have had to be—

Katsuki shifts his gaze over to Todoroki.

 _Oh._

Icy Hot isn't looking too hot right now.

One of the guy's hand is covering his mouth, and his face looks paler than ever. Pupils dilated in shock, Todoroki keeps having to take deep gulps of air, as if to calm himself down.

"I need...to go...use...the restroom," Todoroki forces out between shaky, almost panicky gasps for breath.

And then he rushes out of the classroom.

* * *

 **Thursday, 7:31 p.m.**

Todoroki never came back after that.

Kirishima and Katsuki had quietly done their work side by side after that incident, anxiously waiting for Todoroki until the sun began to set its dying rays.

They couldn't get much work done like that in spite of those conditions.

Or, more like, _because_ of those conditions.

So now it's well over an hour since they left the classroom and Katsuki peers over the name on the plaque again.

 _Todoroki._

He's standing in front of the right door, but why is he still so _nervous?_

Kirishima had told him not to bother Todoroki, and that the guy could probably work out whatever it was on his own. Or that it might not have even been as serious as it had seemed to be. "Maybe he had to take a massive shit," Kirishima had suggested.

Still, Katsuki couldn't shake the oppressive feeling of guilt weighing down on him. Todoroki had been perfectly fine one moment and then _not_ the next. And Katsuki's gut is telling him the crux of the problem might lie with _him._

He closes his eyes and inhales through his nose. Air rushes into his lungs like it's filling a balloon, only for it to slowly escape the way smoke wafts upwards from the fringes of fire.

Opening his eyes again, he balls his hand into a loose fist and softly knocks on the door.

No response.

Taking another deep breath, he knocks again on the door — this time a little louder.

Still no response.

Katsuki knows this is probably an infringement of privacy but now he's pretty worried about the guy. The door's slightly agape — meaning Todoroki _should_ be inside — so why isn't he answering?

 _Okay,_ he tells himself, _this is no different than the time you visited Sato. Just say hi and ask what's up. That's all you gotta do._

...All he has to do.

He places his palm on the door, gingerly pushing it open. The door creaks open in a stilted fashion, the dim light from Todoroki's room leaking into the hallway like a trickling riverstream.

"Hey," Katsuki begins, his voice subdued in an abyss of uncertainty. "You alright?"

A low sigh is the only answer he hears back.

Katsuki scans the room, searching for that pop of red and white, only to find it cross-legged on the tatami floor, back slumped against the wall. The guy's arms are loosely supported by his knees, his face tilted so downwards his bangs conceal the light from his eyes.

Katsuki opens his mouth, wanting to say something. _Anything._ But not even the slightest note is willing to part from his lips. And so he awkwardly stands there for a moment — the oppressive silence sinking its fangs deep into his conscience.

"I guess" —when they finally come out, his words can only escape him like lava seeping out of a volcano, burning his throat along the way— "I'll just take a seat here then." He tentatively lowers himself onto a spot about half a meter away from Todoroki.

Minutes pass by in which no words are exchanged between them. Every now and then, Katsuki would lick his lips, trying to get himself to just _talk_ to the guy. Every now and then, Todoroki's heavy breaths would be intercepted by a sharp one, like he wanted to say something too. But they were trapped in a bubble of uneasiness and unwillingness to speak up — lost in a purgatory of disquiet.

Then Todoroki draws in an elongated breath, and Katsuki can practically hear the rise and fall of his chest. "I thought I was over it, but I guess I'm not," Todoroki finally says, so quietly Katsuki almost didn't pick it up.

Over...what?

Todoroki seems to contemplate his left hand for a moment, before he raises it closer towards him, fingertips tracing the edges of his scar.

Then he jerks. Stops. Muscles tense. And then his fingers clamp down into a fist, fingernails piercing through the skin of his palm.

"Dad," he hisses through gritted teeth.

...Endeavor?

Katsuki remembers overhearing Todoroki and Deku talking about the pro-hero during the Sports Festival. That Endeavor only married Todoroki's mom for her quirk. That Endeavor only had the kid just to dethrone All Might's status as number one.

That Endeavor was a piece of shit.

That Endeavor was ultimately the reason for his scar.

It's no secret that, when Endeavor was still the number two, he wasn't exactly a "friendly" guy. Rather, the internet had always been ablaze with endless forums of how he only on the rare occasion would give out his autograph, how he yelled at civilians to get out of his way during chases, how the scowl on his face only seemed to ingrain itself deeper into his features as the years went by.

If Endeavor couldn't even give _that_ much of a shit for his public image, Katsuki doesn't believe the Endeavor behind closed doors would fare much better. More likely, it was far worse.

"I know he's better now," Todoroki murmurs, "but every time I look at him, I still remember…" He shivers. As if the memory is too painful for him to bring up. "...And today you just reminded me of him."

But hadn't Todoroki also slapped him just the same a day ago? What was the difference between _his_ actions and Katsuki's?

Then again, when Todoroki slapped him, it didn't carry the same anger — almost maliciousness — Katsuki had had with Kirishima.

"Todoroki, I—"

Katsuki's brow furrows.

He...what?

What does he have the right to say in this situation?

Not when his words must have hit so close to home.

Sure, he fought with his parents every now and then, and sure his mom might have beat his ass quite a few times growing up, but he always knew at the end of the day that they would always be there for him. His parents had always been the type to welcome him back with open arms, no matter what kind of fucked up shit he got himself into.

And the more he looks at Todoroki, who seems to be struggling to conduct the rhythm of his breaths, the less Katsuki thinks the guy had the same kind of sanctuary growing up.

Katsuki thinks back to Uraraka's rejection. How wave after wave of hurt would spill over him at random intervals. How he would be fine one moment and then the next, something reminded him of her and it was a punch in the gut all over again.

And while having his crush rejecting him is _nothing_ compared to what Todoroki probably had to go through as a kid, Katsuki thinks he can understand the way Todoroki is hurting now.

Again and again. Slowly, like droplets of water leaking out of a faucet. Beginning fondly as sweet folds of honey on the tongue before injecting itself as tar into the veins, until the body is consumed by sorrow.

Katsuki knows the way pain feels.

But he also doesn't know what to say.

Still, if he was the one to dredge up these feelings in Todoroki, then the least he could do is apologize.

"I don't really know what you've been through, but" —Katsuki reaches over and gently places a hand on Todoroki's shoulder— "I'm here to listen, if you ever need it." He closes his eyes for a bit, and he can feel his front of arrogance and pride he spent years cultivating begin to crumble. "I'm sorry."

Todoroki doesn't say anything, but Katsuki's pretty sure he can see the beginnings of a soft smile crack through his somber visage.

"And you know, just because your dad is getting better now," Katsuki continues, "doesn't mean you have to forgive him."

 _But, at least forgive me._

* * *

 **The Following Monday, 2:58 p.m.**

Well, they finally got their grades back. And to be fair, it's better than expected.

Not better enough, though, that Kirishima won't be trying his damndest to keep the results from his dad.

"Twenty percent, huh?" Todoroki says, peering over Katsuki's shoulder to take a good look at the returned grading rubric.

"Well, Kirishima _did_ basically do all the work on his own." Katsuki sighs. "And this is probably better than the _five_ percent we would have gotten if we hadn't helped him."

"Sensei!" he hears Kirishima yell in the distance. Oh fuck. "Can we appeal for a better grade?"

Ectoplasm squints at the redhead disapprovingly. "Not your group."

"But sensei, I really tried my best!"

In response, the teacher begins to fumble around in his stack of papers, before finally pulling out some hastily stapled together sheets of line paper that Katsuki's gotta assume to be their turned in work.

Okay, real talk here, Katsuki actually never found out what exactly their project was on.

"Ten percent off for computation errors, forty percent off for not building a rocket—"

 _What the fuck, they were supposed to build a rocket?_

"—you guys didn't even show most of your work for calculating the height of the building," Ectoplasm says, waving the papers in Kirishima's face. "What, did you guess?"

Kirishima pauses for a moment. And then he looks away, awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck. "...Yes."

"Oh." Ectoplasm glances again at the group's project. "Well, that's a frighteningly accurate guess. You were only off by a few decimals."

Hearing this, Kirishima's face lights up again. "Really? You know, I figured the building had to be super tall — at least a thousand feet — so I just rolled a nine-sided dice, like, six times and then wrote down every number it landed on in succession, and then added in a decimal point between the—"

"Okay, quit talking before I change your grade to a zero." Ectoplasm unceremoniously dumps their project papers back into the stack, and shifts his attention to the students next to them. "What questions do _you_ guys have?"

"Mannnn." Kirishima slinks from the teacher's desk back to Katsuki's desk, which has become the group's unofficial gathering grounds of sorts. "I really thought he might actually raise our grades."

"Whatever, dude." Katsuki huffs, head leaning into his hand. "You tried your best, so I guess that's all that matters." He takes a quick peek at Todoroki, who's shuffling around in his bag for something. Actually, Katsuki had wanted to say this to Kirishima for a while now, but eventually decided it would probably be better to say it in front of Todoroki too. "...And Kirishima, I'm sorry for hitting you on the head and you know, saying that shit. I was just kinda stressed."

Kirishima blinks, clearly dumbfounded. "What're you sorry for, dude?" He laughs. "Actually, what you said really kicked my ass into gear. I should probably be thanking you."

Oh, well that's a relief.

Weird though, that Kirishima and Todoroki would respond to the same thing differently.

 **Congratulations! Your Empathy Level grew from Level 1 to Level 2.**

 **Congratulations! Your Empathy Level grew from Level 2 to Level 3.**

"I'm sorry too," Todoroki says, plopping a bowl of soba onto the table, "for running off like that and not helping to finish the project afterwards." Another bowl of soba makes its way onto the table. "So I bought you some soba to make up for it." A third bowl of soba on the table finally makes his offering complete.

And...there's already drool dribbling from Kirishima's mouth. "Geez, you didn't have to!"

"You know, to properly enjoy soba, you should slurp the noodles to experience the full breadth of flavor." Todoroki's already clutching a pair of chopsticks in his hand, fully prepared to dive into his meal right now. "It also helps to block out any background noise."

Katsuki frowns at Todoroki through the steam emitting from his personal set of noodles. "Is that why you—"

 _SLURP._

His left eye twitches. "Hey, I'm trying to talk to y—"

 _SLUURP._

"HEY! I'M TALKING TO—"

 _SLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURP._

"...Bastard."

* * *

 **A/N:** To the 100% of people who didn't come to this fic to read about angst and daddy issues — I'm sorry LOL.

Anyway, the runnerup for the votes was Jirou, so she's going to be the next capture target! After her, I think Tsuyu and Iida tied (or, at least they did when I closed the voting period) for third place, but because I wrote in the last chapter that Bakugou needs at least Level 10 Empathy in order to befriend them, I'm going to have to hold off on them for a bit (sorry I forgot about that specification in the story when I asked for your votes). Instead, the chapter after that will go to fifth place, which is Mina! I hope you guys look forward to Bakugou finally befriending some girls for a change LOL

Also, a bonus joke that never made it into the chapter but that I'm going to include here anyway:

Todoroki: send n00ds

Todoroki: send noodles

That's it. That's the whole joke. Hilarious, I know.

Anyway, because I forgot to last chapter, I'll respond to some of your comments now from both chapters 3 and 4 here!

 **treyalexander63917:** Wow! Thank you so much for that great analysis of Bakugou and Izuku's relationship dynamic! It was such a joy to read! And also, wow, the way I'm writing this must be too obvious because you guys are really great at guessing what I roughly have planned ahead for capture targets LOL.

 **Fochun:** Izuku will definitely be the final boss! :D Or, maybe it's technically Uraraka, since I don't intend on them dating until after Bakugou becomes buddies with everyone. For...personal reasons. (I just want that wholesome content yo.)

 **thecagedsong:** Thank you so much for your critique/suggestion! I really do enjoy humor that breaks the fourth wall, but after looking back at the entire story, I can totally see how it might have seemed a bit overboard. I've since edited the chapters (there were some grammatical errors that have been bothering me for a while anyway) and I definitely edited with your words in mind. Thank you! C:

Thanks so much to everyone else who left a review, as well as those who simply like reading this story! I love you all, and I hope you all enjoyed this chapter just as much as I enjoyed writing it! See you next week (hopefully, on my part)!


	6. Heavy Metal

**A/N:** I don't actually know how to play the guitar.

Also, huge shoutout and thanks to the **Mighty Tab X** for giving me the idea for one of these scenes all the way back from when they commented on chapter 1!

* * *

Today's the day.

Today's the day he stops being a bitchass.

He's not sure if it's a direct result of him being a _nicer_ person lately, but he's realized he's become quite the observant one now. In fact, if life were an RPG — and if there were some kind of menu screen for his stats — he posits it would look something like this:

 **Agility: Level 76**

 **Strength: Level 89**

 **Empathy: Level 3**

 **Observation: Level 2**

 **Charisma: Level -5**

 **[Hidden Stat — Dumbass: Level 568]**

But let's take it from the top on how and why Katsuki's come to the conclusion he needs to stop being a bitchass.

See, Katsuki still _really_ likes Uraraka. And as someone who _really_ likes Uraraka, he _really_ wants to spend more time with her.

Except he doesn't know how to do that.

Because he's kinda an idiot.

 **[Skill proficiency of «Self Awareness» has been reached. Hidden Stat — Dumbass has been lowered to Level 567]**

However, there _are_ people who know how to spend time with her and it's her circle of friends. Namely, Floaty Hands and that Ear-y girl.

Maybe they're some kind of squad that hang out less frequently than Uraraka, Glasses, and Deku, but Uraraka and those girls always seem to be disappearing off to who knows where together. Every now and then, Pinky or Froggy would join in, but for the most part, it's always been at least Uraraka, Ears, and Floaty Hands.

And if his deductions are correct, Ears seems to be the leader, considering all the other girls always go to her _first_ before they all go off to hang out.

So all this analysis of someone else's friend circle brings him here — to the right now — where he's standing in front of Ears, just trying to make some good conversation and get going with this infiltration mission.

"Let me in," he demands.

In response, she looks taken aback — her eyes are widened but her face is also somehow scrunched up in confusion.

Well, this probably isn't off to a great start.

"Let me in," he repeats, thinking maybe it isn't a fault in his wording and she just didn't hear him properly.

...Nope, it's a fault in his wording.

"Let you in...to what?" Ears asks, awkwardly crossing her arms together.

"Your little club." Katsuki huffs in impatience. What, is it some kind of exclusive VIP access type of deal? "I want in."

Ears scowls. "Do you even know what our 'club' is for?"

"No."

"Do you know which days we get together?"

"No."

"Do you even know my _name?"_

"...No."

Her scowl now runs so deep it seems as if she's aged forty years in the span of forty seconds. "Didn't we do the cultural festival together? How do you _still_ not know my name?"

Shit, isn't that almost exactly what Uraraka said the day she rejected him?

Katsuki's fingers twitch and he begins madly gesticulating, as if he's physically scrambling to steer this conversation back in his favor. "Look, that was just a one time thing."

" _Well_ then, you talking to me better be a _one time thing,_ " she bites back.

Upon hearing this, Katsuki's mouth gapes wide open. He takes a step back, the same way he would've to regain footing if he had just gotten his ass handed to him by All Might.

Because holy _shit,_ what is _with_ the girls from his class and their soul shattering quips?

 _Sure,_ he's only had a few real conversations with only two of them — Uraraka and now Ears — but it doesn't change the fact they've both verbally _decimated_ him without even seemingly having to _try._ Really, right now he's rolling at a 2-for-2, 100% fatality rate from the girls in 1-A.

But looking at Katsuki's dejected state, Ears seems to take pity on the poor guy. "Our 'club' is for music" —she sighs— "we meet every other day or so, and my name's Jirou Kyouka."

Well, it seems after having issued a supereffective attack on his HP, Jirou's thrown him a small recovery potion, because now Katsuki actually has a chance at salvaging the situation.

"Yeah, let me into your club," Katsuki demands again, doing his best to physically impose himself as someone who didn't just get his will destroyed. "I want to learn music."

Jirou's face takes on the expression of Wow-Is-This-Guy-An-Idiot-Or-What. "Didn't you used to take some kind of music class before, though?"

"No."

"Didn't you play the drums just fine during the cultural festival?"

"No."

"Doesn't this feel like a repeat of the conversation we just had, like, not even two minutes ago?"

"...No."

She glares at him disbelievingly, before something sparks in her eyes. A spark that lifts the weight of her eyebrows off her eyes and returns her expression back to its resting state.

"Fine," she concedes. "Join us tonight at six for" —she squints— "our little music club."

2

And then she leaves.

Leaving Katsuki there in the common room.

Alone.

Minus the five other miscellaneous students talking amongst themselves.

"Oh shit, this worked?"

* * *

This didn't work at all.

Because if it _had_ worked, he wouldn't be bound to a chair with a blindingly bright light directly in front of him.

And there _certainly_ wouldn't be five girls piled together on the other end of a giant table — he's not even _sure_ how they managed to fit it through the doorway to Jirou's dorm — all trying to play a shitty rendition of _bad cop._

Pinky takes hold of the lamp dangling off the ceiling — seriously, when did they have time to _install_ that — and holds it up at him like it's some kind of flashlight.

Meaning _now,_ the blindingly bright light is shining directly into his _eyes._

"So, _Bakugou"_ —Pinky grins rather menacingly, her pupils dilating in excitement— "or, is that even your _real name?"_

Real...name?

Katsuki's confused. What the fuck _else_ would his name be? Bitchboy McKickass?

No, wait, that's stupid.

Maybe something more like _All Powerful._

Heh.

Yeah, _that's_ the one.

His long period of drawn out silence elicits a click of the tongue from Pinky. Suddenly releasing her grip on the lamp cord, she watches as it begins to violently veer back and forth like a pendulum on _steroids._ The few times it reaches so close to Katsuki he can feel the heat roll off it, he can see the corners of Pinky's mouth curling upwards as if she's relishing his pain.

The girls in this class are terrifying.

"Let me try something else, ribbit," Froggy, out of consideration for his lack of student insurance for potential third degree burns, jumps in. Well, not _literally_ jumping in. Just because she's a frog doesn't mean she—

Never mind.

"Bakugou," she croaks out, "we've been noticing some strange, ribbit, behavior from you lately."

His brows furrow. "Strange behavior?" he can't help but repeat out loud. _What_ 'strange behavior?' Baking with Sato? Having spicy ramen noodle challenges with Todoroki and Kirishima late at night, and always losing them? Occasionally going shopping with Aoyama because the guy kept insisting he needed a fashion upgrade?

Well, he _did,_ and Aoyama's pretty great at dressing other people so…

Wait, no.

It better not be.

The 'strange behavior' _better_ not be linked to him playing with Koda and Coco.

He's only known Coco for all of two weeks but if anyone talks smack about her, they and their entire family are going _down._

Katsuki snarls back up at Froggy from his sitting position. "What you talking 'bout, huh?"

Blank expression still on her face, she draws a finger innocently to her cheek. "Well, you've been getting along with everyone a lot _better_ lately."

Oh? He has?

Thanks for the compliments, he's really been doing his best—

"And that's _suspicious,"_ a disembodied voice rings out, probably from Floaty Hands.

Oh, so him trying to make friends is suspicious, yeah—

Wait, no.

No.

 _No._

How is him trying to be a good guy fucking _suspicious?_

"Look, _fake Bakugou,"_ Floaty Hands exclaims excitedly, as if she's truly enjoying this impromptu interrogation, "we _know_ your quirk. So don't play dumb with us!"

Katsuki stares at them for a second, incredulous. And then he scoffs. You know, to quote the great and lovely Uraraka: "Yeah, it's already second semester. I sure _hope_ you know my quirk by now."

Never mind the fact _he_ still doesn't know the quirks of over half the kids in class.

 **Player Four — DEFEATED.**

Floaty Hands' hands droop down from her confusion at this unexpected elimination from battle.

Pinky, dismayed at her friend's defeat, takes matters back into her own hands. "Don't talk back to us! We know who you are, _Toga."_

"Who?"

 **Player Two — DEFEATED.**

Froggy, taking pity, now throws herself back into the fray. "During the school trip, me and Uraraka" —she points a finger at Uraraka, who's apparently been standing there the whole time...watching Katsuki...be a loser strapped to a chair...by some flimsy _rope_ — "fought you. We know you can change your appearance at will so long as you have the blood for it, ribbit.

Katsuki blinks, incredulous.

How the fuck did they get his quirk _that_ wrong?

"That's not my _quirk."_ Katsuki leers at them, ready to break his way out of this rope through sheer will _alone_ if he has to.

"Oh really, ribbit?" she asks. And then leans over and _pinches his cheek._

"OW, THE FUCK?!" Katsuki instinctively reaches his hand out to rub at his now bruised cheek. And then he remembers he can't.

Because unfortunately for him, his hands are _literally_ tied here.

"Well, pinching doesn't seem to revert Bakugou back to Toga," Froggy says, almost pouting at her incorrect hypothesis. "Maybe we were wrong, ribbit."

"Yeah, of _course_ you were," Katsuki snaps. "I'm _not_ fucking _Yoga._ "

"Yoga?" Froggy repeats quizzically. She contemplates his words for a moment, before turning back around to face the other girls. "Yeah, this is _definitely_ Bakugou."

 **Player Five — DEFEATED.**

Jirou, who's also been standing there the whole time — well, it _is_ her room after all — has her arms impatiently crossed, one finger tapping on the other elbow. Her posture seems inspired from a yakuza boss about to order the pinkies chopped off of all his underlings.

"If pinching doesn't work" —she glares at him, sending shivers down his spine— "then we go for a _punch."_

"Jirou!" Uraraka finally speaks up, her voice trilling in distress. "We can't do that!"

Katsuki's eyes widen. Is she...really defending him? Is she seriously the only one out of all of them here to believe in h—

"If it turns out we're wrong, he might blow this whole place up!"

Oh.

That...kinda hurt.

Damn.

His heart.

That was some serious damage she just did to him, _fuck._

Jirou, on the other hand, is unperturbed. Perfectly composed, she sits down on the table opposite side of him, crossing one leg over the other. Resting her chin on a net of fingers, she declares, "If this is Toga, she won't be _able_ to use Bakugou's quirk." She glares at him and, for a second, he swears he sees hell reflected in her eyes. "Go for a punch."

Does this girl hang out with the yakuza in her free time for _real?_ Because _seriously,_ what the _fuck._

Uraraka frantically glances back and forth between him and her friend, as if unable to decide what to do — the _moral_ path of letting him go, or the _fun_ path of punching him in the gut.

Hey, look, given the chance, Katsuki would ten-outta-ten punch himself in the gut too.

But now's not the time to get himself beaten up like a third-rate idiot and _agree_ with the decision. Now's the time to make an appeal to the court.

For a moment, Katsuki contemplates making puppy dog eyes at Uraraka to elicit pity, but realizes that would only make him more suspicious.

 _Curse_ him for never having been nice before; _now_ it's not going to work when it matters most.

"What are you waiting for?" Jirou asks, finally breaking the awkward silence of Uraraka's indecisiveness.

Uraraka squeaks, and only now does Katsuki notice the beads of sweat collecting on her forehead. If he weren't the one tied up and accused of being a human counterfeit here, he would really feel for her situation.

"Jirou, I'm _really_ not sure about this," she exclaims.

"Think of it _this_ way," Jirou says, exasperated, "if this were _really_ Bakugou, he would have burned himself out of those ropes by now."

The air is heavy, as if the words are slowly trying to sink through an idiocy as thick as Uraraka's thighs.

Oh.

What the fuck.

Why didn't _he_ think of that?

...Maybe he really _isn't_ Bakugou then.

Katsuki looks around, noting the plethora of musical instruments and miscellaneous other decorations. He notes the five other people occupying this room. He notes Uraraka — right in front of him and about to punch him out of a sense of justice and valor.

He doesn't have the money to pay for _any_ of the damages he estimates it'll be if he goes full out. Namely, the damages of paying for one broken room and five broken bodies.

At the very least, he's sweat a lot during his time being interrogated, so he has a shitload of fuel for his escape.

Not that he needs _that_ much sweat to break through some rope.

Damn, what if he just flexed his way outta this rope like they do in movies? He's pretty sure he's seen All Might do it once, too. If _Katsuki_ did that, he'd look pretty cool, he wouldn't look like a fucking loser for not having thought of burning his way out sooner, and it'd give Uraraka a _perfect_ chance to ogle his muscles. Win-fucking-win.

Oh wait.

That still wouldn't dispel the idea that he's Yoga, since it would still be done without showing his quirk.

Fucking _shit,_ man. He just wanted to look _cool._ Why won't the universe just let him have _one_ fucking thing?

"What are you waiting for?" Jirou asks. All she needs is a lit cigar and she really _would_ fit right in with the yakuza. Rather, he thinks even the big crime bosses of the city would _cower_ before her sadism. "Just punch him already."

 _Fuck,_ if he doesn't do something soon, he's a dead boy.

Or, at least, a boy no longer with a working digestive system.

Well, that _would_ be tragic but if he explodes all his food into soup, he won't _need_ to have a working stomach because his quirk can do all the digestion shit for h—

Oh shit, Uraraka's fist is closing in on him. There's no time left for him to muse about his intestines and his livers and his pancreas and his—

 _No._ No time. Get fucking _exploding,_ Katsuki.

The muscles in his wrist tighten, and he concentrates on the feeling of sweat all over his body. Kinda gross, but a necessary gross.

...But also, he can't explode _too_ much, because he doesn't want to hurt Uraraka, who's now about a hair's breadth away from him. So he needs to limit the area of ignition to just the parts of his body bound to rope.

This better fucking work, because he might _die_ if Uraraka punches him.

Half because it's Uraraka punching him and he _knows_ those biceps and triceps and deltoids on her aren't for nothing, and he _knows_ she could probably also dropkick his ass in an instant if she wanted to.

But also half because it's _Uraraka_ punching him and hot _damn_ if one of his biggest fantasies isn't having the person he likes pummeling him into the ground in a fight.

...He's a man of culture, alright.

Just as she's about to land a solid on his stomach, Katsuki shifts all his weight onto his right, forcing himself and the chair onto the ground. The next three seconds are three seconds of confusion on their part and a lack of distraction on his, so he thinks as hard as he possibly can and fixates his attention to approximately ten droplets of sweat — give or take maybe three — on his wrists and ankles respectively and ignites them.

A split second later, and the ropes crumble into shards of ash around him.

 _Finally,_ he's a free man once more.

But just as he's about to flaunt and gloat about his victory in front of all the other girls, he hears a soft "Ouch" float out of the rubble of his destruction. Confused, he looks around for the source of the noise, until he looks down and notices Uraraka sprawled out on the floor, having apparently tripped on the legs of the chair after his feint.

 **Player Three — DEFEATED.**

Katsuki glowers.

Whoever the fuck is announcing that needs to shut the _fuck_ up; Uraraka is _injured._

"Oi, you okay?" he asks, extending a hand to her.

Rubbing at her injured shin, she smiles weakly at him. "Yeah, I think I'll be fine." She takes him up on his offer and gingerly places her hand on his, her fingers curling around his palm for support.

Katsuki was already perspiring before, but now his sweat glands are working over time. Right now, the only thing he can both feel and hear is the beating of his heart in the rhythm of a shitty first-time drummer who doesn't understand how to read or follow sheet music.

Holy shit, his soul might escape his body right now and he might actually be _fine_ with that.

No, no, no, no, _no._ Right now this is about Uraraka and how she's injured. _Not_ about how you're about to astral project from happiness you dumb fuck, Katsuki. _Focus._

 _Butholyshitherhandissosmallandsoftandhemightjustdierighthererightnow._

"Ouch," he hears from another corner of the room. He guesses from Jirou, who must've just realized he can't _possibly_ be Yoga since he just busted his ass outta her suspicions of identity theft.

 **Player Six — DEFEATED.**

 **GAME!**

This might just be the best day of his life.

* * *

"Uraraka, you nervous or something? You're pressing down on the string too hard." He might be asking something only a _tad_ condescending, but really he's in the best mood he's ever been in. To be perfectly honest, he's been floating through the past few days in a state of utter bliss.

Because now, he _finally_ has a perfectly valid, entirely legitimate excuse to be around Uraraka. See, just hanging with Coco wasn't enough; Uraraka isn't even _there_ to play with them half the time. But _this —_ this _music_ shit — _this_ is where the real money is.

By that, he means he appropriated Jirou's job as music instructor and proclaimed himself as Uraraka's one and only guitar tutor.

Was it a jerk move? Probably. Was it _worth it,_ though? _Hell_ yes.

He takes Uraraka's hand on the neck of the guitar, gingerly guiding her finger to just in front of the fret, where it should be. "You don't have to hold your finger down all the way," he says, so gently it's barely more than a whisper in her ear. "Pressing down that hard could change the pitch and your fingers will get tired faster."

When he pulls his hand away from hers, he swears her ears are tinged in red.

If it were physically possible for him to take a good look at _his_ ears though, he imagines they'd be about the same shade of flushed too.

"Ahem," someone behind him clears their throat, clearly indicating for Katsuki to quit flirting around. Annoyed, Katsuki swivels his back all the way around, scowl already on his face.

It's not that he's _sulking_ over someone interrupting his time with Uraraka, alright?

But when he turns around, he comes face to face with Jirou. Well, by face to face, he means the girl is standing before him, but also leaning down so she can _literally_ look down on him while he's in his seated position. "I thought you didn't know anything about music," she says.

Oh.

Yeah.

He "doesn't."

 _Shit._

"I just looked up online how to play the guitar," he replies. As smoothly as an embarrassed boy can.

The frown already present on Jirou's lips tightens. "So you learned how to play the guitar in a _few days_ just by typing it into a search monitor?"

Well, if she says it like _that,_ he guesses it _could_ sound a little too good to be true. But not _farfetched,_ you know.

Jirou sighs, snapping her spine back into proper posture. " _Fine,"_ she relents. "Just do whatever you want." And with that, she walks off in the direction of Pinky and Floaty Hands to help them with their musical instruction.

The leaves of grass sway beneath them, the wisps of wind manipulating them like marionnettes playacting a waltz.

And if you're wondering why there's grass and wind here in Jirou's room — where they _should_ be learning how to play the guitar — it's because they're _not_ in Jirou's room.

Turns out, as great as Cementoss is at architecture, he didn't account for how much sound _six_ rambunctious children from Class _1-A_ playing at least _three_ guitars could make. It also turns out, they didn't ask Present Mic to check the soundproofing of the rooms, because at least five people in the dorms filed a complaint over them being loud shits late at night.

Yes.

Late at night.

Yes, Katsuki very much sacrificed his beauty sleep so he could have an excuse to _sometimes_ touch Uraraka's hand for three seconds, given the chance.

He looks like a desperate sap but _whatever;_ he _likes_ hanging out with Uraraka and _occasionally_ the other five girls, and he's pretty sure at least three of the five people here at least _tolerate_ his existence.

But speaking of tolerating his existence, let's go back to what he was talking about before his tangent on him really adamantly fishing for Uraraka's attention.

Basically, all those noise complaints resulted in their little music sessions being forced to the great outdoors. In other words: they've been kicked out.

The oppressive afternoon sun beats down on them, and even amongst all these trees in the Yuuei gardens, there's little shade available for these poor unfortunate souls. Looking back at Uraraka, Katsuki notices she's sweating practically head to toe. But as an ally to sweating injustice, he can't help but think she's never looked prettier.

He's really in this too deep. If all this friendship shit goes to...well... _shit,_ he has no idea how he'll ever get over his crush for her.

"Oh? What's this?" he hears from just a few meters away.

...Why the fuck does his precious time with Uraraka keep getting _interrupted?_

Out of seemingly nowhere, some obnoxious blond _prick_ approaches them. And the expression on his face is like someone trying to frown with their mouth glued into a smile. "What are Class 1-A students doing out here with their guitars? Are you saying Class 1-A has so much free time you can just dawdle around and play Mary Had a Little Lamb all day?" A deluded rage begins to descend upon his features, knitting his brows together and pushing against his vocal chords until they begin to rasp like summer cicadas. "Are you guys saying you're that much better than 1-B, huh? You have all the free time in the world, huh?"

Katsuki has no idea what the guy is saying but he's pretty sure everything he's saying is wrong.

But just as he opens his mouth to say something, presumably for this weirdo to fuck off, Uraraka butts herself in to the conversation.

"Sorry." She delivers a rather meek smile. "This isn't some kind of competitive thing. We just wanted to learn music from Jirou."

Blond Boy — not in the way Aoyama is a blond boy though — doesn't seem satisfied with that answer, however. "You wanted to learn music, and you still play this amateurishly after so long? I thought Class 1-A was supposed to be made of fast learners." He laughs. Wait. More like _cackles._ "You're all so-called 'fast learners' and yet you can barely even play Twinkle Twinkle Little Star? 1-B could play circles around you!"

Normally, Katsuki's competitive drive would kick in right about now and he would declare that there's no way he could lose to some stupid punks, regardless of what class they're in. But this isn't _normal_ Katsuki. This is a Katsuki who now has five more friends — including a _dog —_ and now has the occasional attention of Uraraka. And because he doesn't want to dump all his progress off a cliff, he's not about to work himself until he's red in the face trying to disprove this idiot's bullshit.

Also, he's run the calculations in his head, and he's come to the hard conclusion that doing anything about this would be a big waste of his time. There is nothing _but_ net loss that could result from interaction.

"Who's your teacher?" Blond Boy keeps rambling on. "After all this time, and their students can't even remember the basics? Class 1-B could learn everything you know in just a day! What a lousy class this is, ha!"

Katsuki can feel a vein in his head pop. To be perfectly honest, he wouldn't be surprised if the vein snapped too, and he began internally bleeding in his cranium. At least, if he died from a spontaneous brain hemorrhage, he wouldn't have to listen to this idiot any longer.

But waste of his time or _not,_ he's not about to _stand_ for this shittalking about Jirou.

He has no idea _why_ he won't stand for it, but he sure as hell _won't._

 **Congratulations! Your Empathy Level grew from Level 3 to Level 4.**

Or, maybe because he's spent so much time with those girls lately, he's developed some kind of Stockholm Syndrome to them after that intense interrogation.

 **Error! Requirements for raising your Empathy Level were falsely met. Your Empathy Level has been lowered from Level 4 back to Level 3.**

"Shut up," is the best comeback he can come up with for Blond Boy, though. If it's any consolation, at least he snarled while saying it.

Blond boy giggles giddily. "Oh? If you want me to shut up so bad, you should show it with your actions and not your words!"

...Hmm, those words sound familiar, but Katsuki can't fully explain why.

"I challenge Class 1-A to a music-off!" Blond Boy points his finger at Katsuki, so close to his face he's merely a few centimeters away from poking Katsuki's eye out.

At least, if he _did_ poke Katsuki's eye out, it would save one eye the eyesore of looking at this dumbass.

But as insulted as Katsuki is on Jirou's behalf, it's not like he's willing to commit to a whole...music-off. Whatever that is.

"And you!" Blond Boy now shifts his attention to Uraraka, a mad glint in his eyes. "With your terrible fingering, I bet even Shiozaki could outplay you with just her hair alone! How long have you been learning, huh? I thought all of Class 1-A were geniuses, but looking at this, it turns out you're an idi—mmMPH!"

Katsuki grips the collar of Blond Boy's shirt with one hand, using the other to cover the guy's filthy mouth. Teeth gritted, Katsuki leans in so close he can feel the stupid boy breathing fear straight through his nose.

 _Forget_ Blond Boy, actually. This is a certified Competitive Creep.

While him insulting Jirou really felt like a slap on a cheek, him insulting _Uraraka_ felt like seven slaps on the other cheek and then a swift kick to the jaw.

In other words, him insulting Uraraka just made things _personal._

"Challenge accepted." Katsuki glares at the guy. It's his patented glare that's sent flocks of crows flying away back in the day and has caused at least one or two street punks to pee their pants in anticipation of death before. "Get ready to fucking lose."

* * *

It's been a week of intense practice for all those involved in Jirou's music sessions. It's been a week of grumbling and groaning, grousing and griping.

"You didn't have to challenge him to a fight," Jirou had said when she heard about what Katsuki had done. "Monoma's just like that. You could've just ignored him, you know."

But if she _really_ wanted to save the trouble, she could have just called it off herself. In fact, with his raised empathy levels now, he's pretty sure he recognized the traces of a smile on her lips when she left that conversation.

The others, on the other hand, were staunchly against the music-off.

"Why did you drag us into this?"

"You should've just walked away, ribbit."

"Rather than a music-off, we should do a dance-off, yo!"

Those make up a majority of what he remembers hearing from them. But even with all that whining, they had still committed themselves to practicing with him and Jirou, if only to preserve Jirou's reputation.

And so now it's the day of their inane competition and Katsuki finds himself stroking Coco's fur out of an apparent bout of anxiety.

Him and the rest of the girls had chosen to split off into two groups over creative differences — the girls would make up a band of five and perform some kind of alternative rock piece or something, and Katsuki would be performing solo.

And the reason for these creative differences being: every time Katsuki told them his idea, Jirou would shoot him down with a "That's stupid."

And usually Katsuki can't believe _anything_ he comes up with inside his genius noggin could ever be considered even _remotely_ stupid, but now that it's ten minutes before the fated battle, he realizes that maybe his plan might be just a _little_ stupid.

Or maybe even a _lot_ stupid.

"Coco," he says, running his hands along the dog's fur. "If you think I can do this, bark once. If you think I can't, bark twice."

Coco tilts her head up, tongue drooping lazily from her lips. "Ruff!"

"Oh." Katsuki gives a lopsided, but decidedly unsure smile. "So you think I can do it, but it's gonna be _rough,_ huh?"

Well, that's better than nothing, he supposes.

"Bakugou, it's about to start soon," Jirou calls out from across the garden. "Get your butt over here!"

Giving one last good luck pat to Coco, he gets off his ass and stalks over to the rest of the group, hands in his pockets because he still wants to look _cool_ for as long as he still feasibly can. His idea for his solo might just be a really _bad_ idea.

But really, he's surprised at how resourceful Competitive Creep and the rest of his class are. _Somehow,_ they had managed to get Cementoss to agree to build a stage in the middle of the garden just for this one event. And somehow, they had wrangled Present Mic, Midnight, and even Aizawa to be judges for this mess.

Although, he had heard Aizawa wasn't even _half_ as willing as the others to participate, until one of the other teachers brought up how he should be supporting his students in competitive endeavors that aren't physical and/or destructive.

Apparently, Katsuki's name was brought up at that meeting.

Katsuki couldn't imagine _why_ though, unless it was brought up in praise.

As the sun begins to dip below the mountains, coating the sky in shades of deep crimson and gold, the stage lights itself anew in neon blue. Clouds of smoke languidly drift around, the lights poking through the misty puffs of air the way water tenderly filters in pockets of sunshine as you're suffocating beneath its bewitching embrace.

As in: Katsuki can't breathe — there's too much smoke coming from the smoke machines.

Where the fuck did those kids _get_ them from?

But just as he thinks that, the ocean of clouds part, making way for some of the Class 1-B kids to elevate themselves onto the stage via a secret trapdoor elevator. Or something.

Poor Cementoss really had to do all this just for them, huh?

"Are you guys ready to see Class 1-A lose?" he hears Competitive Creep yell over the microphone, electric guitar slung over his shoulder.

His announcement is met with zero applause, zero yelling, zero enthusiasm. Not even from the other Class 1-B kids themselves.

It seems the only one who cares about this supposed rivalry really _is_ Competitive Creep over here.

"Then, are you guys ready to see the music battle of the century!" some girl with orange hair — pulled into a side ponytail — yells, snatching the microphone from Competitive Creep's hands. Katsuki doesn't know who she is, but he supports her.

And it seems the other kids here do too, as they finally begin cheering in enthusiastic anticipation.

The 1-B kids on stage glance at each other, and Orange Ponytail begins to mouth a count. At three, one of them in the back begins to go ham on the drums, and the other four with an assortment of electric guitars, electric bass, and a random acoustic guitar (for some reason) slowly begin to join in on the raucous noise.

Noise.

It sounds really _bad._

And Katsuki's not just saying that because his natural competitiveness blocks out any and all potential rivals as being below and beneath him. There's no implicit bias in this conclusion of his.

He _knows_ it's objectively bad because the other Yuuei students gathered around here are _also_ wincing and covering their ears in pain.

Imagine the screeching of exactly fifty-two banshees gargling a bottle of the sound nails make when dragged across a chalkboard, and that's _exactly_ the shit Competitive Creep is defiling his electric guitar's strings with.

See, the other four 1-B kids are doing just _fine_ and making a _normal_ harmony, but Competitive Creep is just going off and doing his own thing, improvising random shit left and right.

And now, he's forced himself into a guitar solo.

Great.

It really _would_ be a privilege to be deaf right about now.

"Class 1-A are losers!" Competitive Creep begins to chant. "Class 1-A are losers!"

"Monoma, we agreed we wouldn't have any lyrics!" Orange Ponytail yell-whispers back at him, jabbing him in the side with the head of her bass.

But it seems physical injuries mean nothing to the boy, as his chanting only grows louder. "Class 1-A are losers! Class 1-A are losers!"

The other kids gathered around slowly begin to join in. But more so out of some tentative and confused obligation than anything else.

And so their performance ends like that, a cacophonous mixing of frequencies amidst a fragile war cry of dominance built and established by nothing.

Their applause is scattered, even amongst the judges.

"That…" —seated comfortably at the judges table, Present Mic juts his hand out, giving a thumbs up— "was pretty bad!"

Midnight shoots a subtle frown at him, as if reminding the man to remember his manners. "I wouldn't say it was _bad,"_ she begins, and then immediately trails off, unable to finish the rest of the sentence.

"Next," Aizawa says, back resting on the chair and arms crossed. But the light in 1-B's eyes when they see him mean they must've taken it as a victory that he didn't immediately curl into his sleeping bag from boredom.

All filing into a line to take a bow, the 1-B performers take care to thank the judges for their time. As they head off the stage, Jirou beside him begins to nervously give the rest of the girls a pep talk.

"Okay, you heard them!" she whispers into the girls' sloppy huddle. "All we have to do is be better than them!"

...That's a pretty low bar.

Putting her hand at the center of the circle, she encourages the rest of the girls to do the same. "'Better Than Them' on three," she says. "One...two...three…"

"BETTER THAN THEM!" the rest of the girls excitedly cheer, raising their arms from the huddle in unison.

Really, the bar is set _so_ low here.

But with that, they disperse onto the stage, taking up all their electric guitars and basses. All gathering their collective nervous breaths, they all meet eyes before Jirou starts them off.

And as they begin, Katsuki has to collect his _own_ nervous breaths. Because, per their agreement, it's almost _his_ turn on stage.

The music on stage drowns out, filtered to nothingness through the unforgiving security checkpoints of his ears. But he doesn't need to hear anything to know they'll do just _fine._ Probably _better_ than fine.

Not just because Jirou — unlike anything Competitive Creep has to say about her — is actually a _great_ guitar instructor and _definitely_ better than his own _actual_ guitar instructor back in the day, and not just because the girls had earnestly been practicing all week leading up to this point.

It's because Uraraka is up there performing, and his implicit bias for her every breath and very being means that he believes she can do next to no wrong.

Other than calling him a "jerk," that is.

But he doesn't _need_ to hear them to know they're doing well. Just by looking at all the cheering around him, the mouths gaped in excitement, the eyes brimming with tears, the bodies jumping in frenzy from their _sick_ strumming, Katsuki knows they're doing great.

But all things — even great things — must come to an end eventually.

With one last whammy glissando, the song is finished, one final note sustained in resonance in still air. As the note gradually fades out of existence, he can practically feel the energy of a hundred breaths barely contained within a hundred pair of lungs. And then a moment later, cheering erupts like a bottle cap popping off some soda that's been shook fifty too many times.

"GRRRRRRRREAT!" Present Mic exclaims, rolling the 'r' for dramatic effect. "AMAAAAAZING!"

"I loved your blend of contrasting melodies," Midnight says. "The dissonance you used surprisingly worked very well, and I admire the ambitiousness of the composition."

"Next," Aizawa says.

Like the class 1-B performers from before, the girls take a bow and thank the judges for their time.

And the next thing he knows, _they're_ off the stage and _he's_ on the stage and the stage lights are shining directly into his eyes. Just like interrogation.

Jirou was right. This _was_ a stupid idea. He should've just done it with the rest of the group, but _no,_ he just _had_ to go off and do his own thing and risk public embarrassment as well as personal embarrassment and he's such a fucking dumbass why did he _allow_ himself to do this.

He's already a dead man and he hasn't started yet.

"Uh…" Present Mic says, as if reading his mind. "You gonna do anything on that stage or what?"

 _Yes._ He _will._ Just give him some _time,_ dammit.

But he doesn't have that much time left. He already wasted so much by being a bundle of nerves and stupidity. He draws in one final breath into his lungs. After all, he doubts he'll be doing much of that during the performance.

Okay.

Three.

Two.

One.

Taking hold of the microphone, he brings it close to his lips. And then he licks his lips.

Actually, Jirous was wrong.

This isn't a _stupid_ idea.

It's a _stupid fucking idea._

"This song is dedicated to…" Holy shit, _why_ was he so insistent on doing this up until now? "It's dedicated to…" He thinks about Coco's bark of encouragement today. At least she believes in him, even if he _himself_ somewhat doesn't. "Dedicated to…" He desperately searches for Uraraka in the crowd, hoping that maybe locking eyes with her might instill courage again into his dumbass self.

But when he finally finds her, her cheeks flushed from her exhilarating performance, sweat glistening on her body like her skin's been drenched in the nectar of crystals, he realizes he's a fucking coward.

"...This song is dedicated to Coco."

Upon hearing the dog's name slip from his lips, Uraraka jolts, and then her eyes search for his in confusion.

Ha.

Ha.

Fuck.

He's really fucked himself over now.

But there's no time left for him to walk back on his words.

Guitar pick in hand, he channels all his heavy metal heroes and strums his first note.

And then he opens his mouth.

Because this isn't just a heavy metal instrumental he's performing.

No, he's Bakugou Katsuki and always has to go 13820328%.

What he's doing is a heavy metal _serenade._

RoSes aRE ReeEEdDDDDDdDDD,

ViOLeTs ArE BLuUuuUUUEEEEEE,

EveRYYYYY nIGhTTTTTTTTT I gO TO sLEeEEEPPP

ThInKInGGGG 'BoUt YoOOOuUuUUU!

WhEnEVeR OuR EyeS MeEEeEeT,

YoUR chOCoLATE GaZe DrAWs mEE iNnNNNN!

I'd FiGHt ThE WoRLd fOr YoUuUUUUUU;

YOuR hEArT iS tHE OnLY ThInG I WaNT tO WiNnNNNNn!

ROsEs ARe reEDdDDDDdDD,

VIoLEtS ArE bLuUUUuUUuUEeEEE,

I LiKe yOu sO MUuUuuUUuChhHhH,

If OnLY YoU KnEEeEEeeeEeEEeWWwWwwW!

He riffs around a bit on the guitar, but just like that, the song is over.

But even as he's finished, the air is silent.

Even as the seconds pass by since the conclusion of his song, it's still silent.

No applause.

No words.

Nothing.

Until finally, someone breaks the silence.

"Who's Coco?" he hears someone whisper.

"I think it's a dog," someone whispers back.

"Oh. He must _really_ like that dog."

"Yeah. Like, _**really**_ like that dog."

Katsuki doesn't know it yet, but his reputation's been forever tarnished. Koda'll never let him near Coco again without his supervision.

Present Mic is unresponsive. But the foam dribbling from his mouth tips off to Katsuki that the man might've died from laughter. Midnight seems conflicted between declaring the song a beautiful tribute to youth or an act of heavenly punishment for her mortal sins. And Aizawa, unable to ask for the next song, has zipped himself into his sleeping bag and has gone to sleep.

"Um…" Midnight chirps up. It seems she's finally taken a stance on the song. "We were originally going to give first place to Class 1-A, but after that...performance, the council has elected to disqualify 1-A and instead give first place to 1-B."

Well, it seems she's chosen a stance and her stance is that it was _shit._

Upon her announcement, Competitive Creep is the first one to break out of the trance of the song. "Ha!" he yells. He really _did_ declare a laughing sound without actually laughing. "Class 1-A really _are_ losers!" And then he dissolves into a spontaneous fit of giggles.

Slowly but surely, the rest of the audience joins in. And Katsuki, still on stage, can't help but feel that they're laughing at _him,_ Katsuki.

 **[Skill proficiency of «Embarrassment» has temporarily doubled EXP gained for the Empathy Stat.]**

 **Congratulations! Your Empathy Level grew from Level 3 to Level 4.**

But as laughter rings in the air along with Competitive Creep's continuing chants of "Class 1-A are losers!" he catches Uraraka's gaze in the crowd.

Or, more accurately, he only catches it for a second, before she averts her gaze, her face flushed red as roses.

She's been doing that a lot, lately.

And even though Katsuki realizes he's become the laughingstock of the school for the next few days, he can't help the dumb smile crawling onto his face.

Because at least she knows who this song was really dedicated to.

* * *

 **A/N:** Thanks so much for reading this guys! I'm really sorry that my promises for trying to upload once a week were basically worthless. I don't want to make too many excuses, but my life was pretty busy the past two weeks and the new apartment I moved into didn't have wifi for a while. But I'm doing a lot better now! And I have wifi now!

Unfortunately though, for you guys, school just started and I maxed out on the college credits I can take this semester. So at best, I think I can only churn out a chapter once every other week. Don't get me wrong though! I still love this fic so much and all of you too! I'm going to try my best to stick to this new schedule too of every other Sunday, so stay tuned. I hope this chapter made up for the unintentional semi-hiatus and thanks again so much for reading!


	7. Drift Compatible

**A/N:** So guys, fun fact, I once took a chem placement exam for university and scored in the 8th percentile. As in, the bottom eight percent. Meaning if the science here doesn't make sense...well you know why. LOL. ; - ;

Also, I realize Jirou didn't have sufficient interaction with Bakugou last chapter, so she plays a major part in this chapter too! Enjoy!

* * *

He fucked up.

He really fucked the _fuck_ up. He truly dropped the ball on this one and then made another ball out of tinfoil and dropped _that_ one too.

Because now Uraraka won't look him in the eyes anymore. Not since that...performance.

See, the good thing about her knowing who the song was meant for is that, well, at least she understands he's a pining idiot. Now, the _bad_ thing about her knowing who the song was meant for is that she understands he's a pining _idiot._

How is he supposed to get close to her _now,_ when she avoids eye contact and refuses to be seen in the same _room_ as him?

"Yeah, at that point you're _not_ supposed to get close to her," Kirishima had said. "Most people would get that you're supposed to give up if it reaches that point."

Well, Katsuki _isn't_ most people. _And_ he doesn't have a concept of personal boundaries. So he's going to _keep_ trying to get closer to her because he's not a baby-ass, shit-eating giver-upper.

...But wait, if Uraraka doesn't want to be alone in the same room as him and he keeps insisting on it, wouldn't that make him a bit of a... _jerk?_

Okay, _now_ he has a concept of personal boundaries.

 **Congratulations! New skill «Respect» has been gained.**

 **Congratulations! Your Empathy Level grew from Level 4 to Level 5.**

And he already misses the moment one minute ago when he _didn't_ understand the concept. Because now that he's no longer ignorant to the notion of respect, he realizes there's nothing left for him to do other than give Uraraka some space and time to herself while he latches onto the crumbling bits of _hope_ that she doesn't transfer out of this school over her embarrassment.

What is he supposed to do with his life _now,_ without his purpose of pursuing her? _Study?_ Read a _book?_ Make _friends?_

Well, he doesn't really have hobbies anymore now that Koda's banned him from seeing Coco for reasons unknown, so he _supposes_ he could make friends.

Especially since all his _current_ friends keep looking at him with a mixture of pity in their eyes and uncontrollable laughter bubbling from their lips. Yeah, he needs _new_ friends.

"So why are you hanging around me?" Jirou asks.

They've all gathered around the common room again, except this time, Katsuki's deliberately chosen not to sit next to his regular pals — also known as Kirishima, Sato, Aoyama, Todoroki. You know, his regular _bros._

Why, you ask?

Well, because they all broke the bro code by refusing to give him a _break_ from reliving the embarrassment of his dumbass decisions by constantly replaying his stupidass song they somehow managed to catch on their phones, so no, they're not his _bros_ anymore. Just random Joes. Toes? He's like a pizza connoisseur and they're all _dough_ he wants to _throw_ over and across the other side of the Earth. They're all _roe,_ because they're the caviar of bad friends…

No. None of this works. What's a good enough insult for them that properly conveys how they're the exact opposite of a "bro" and yet also perfectly rhymes with that word?

Oh wait. He's got it. Damn, he's so good at this word shit.

They ain't his bros.

They're crows.

Annoying. Loud. Everywhere he goes and ready to pester him at a moment's notice. Just like crows.

Fucking got'em.

"Bakugou, you didn't answer my question," Jirou repeats. "Why are you hanging around me?"

Oh. He was so wrapped up in sticking it to his old friends he forgot about making _new_ friends. Although, he wouldn't really count Jirou as a _new_ friend, per se. Maybe — if he estimates his friendship points with her rather generously — more like _half_ a friend. Or, after that whole fiasco, more like a non-tutor who's embarrassed by her non-pupil.

He doesn't know what to call their relationship, actually. But, based on his interaction — or lack thereof — with her compared to his _fake bros,_ he's pretty sure they don't quite count as friends yet.

"Dunno," he finally says.

...It turns out after all that thought into what the status of his _relationship_ was with her, he didn't put any thought into what words could be a _detriment_ to that status. And out of all _possible_ words, "Dunno" is probably somewhere near the tippity top of that list.

"Then, do you want to…" —Jirou not so subtly inches away from Katsuki, leaving a Grand Canyon of space between them— "do you want to, like, _not_ hang out with me, then?"

She frames it like a question, but delivers it like a demand.

But also, _no,_ Katsuki doesn't _not_ want to hang out with her. He needs friends. _New_ friends. This is the only hobby he has left and he'll be _damned_ if he has to give this up too.

"I can't sit next to you or something?" he asks. "It's not like it's illegal. Not like there's a rule in place here that says you and I can't hang out together."

"No, but I can sure _make_ it one."

"Well, I—" Shit, Katsuki forgot he should never pick a verbal fight with her. More like, he forgot exactly how _good_ she was at her comeback game. "I...uh…"

"Hey, what'cha two up to?" Pinky suddenly barges herself into the conversation, plopping herself into the convenient space between him and Jirou.

Though Katsuki would normally be annoyed by someone inserting themselves into his quality time with someone, Katsuki is anything _but_ annoyed. In fact, he might even be _grateful_ for Pinky. For one, his time just now with Jirou was anything _but_ quality, and for two, Pinky just _saved_ his ass from that awkward situation.

"Man," she exclaims, extending the vowel a bit in a verbal pout, "did you guys get the homework last night? Like, I came to Yuuei to become a _hero,_ not a _calculus professor._ I wish we could spend some more time on training instead." She abruptly changes her line of sight from the nothingness of space before her to the deep red of Katsuki's eyes. "Hey, speaking of homework, isn't class starting soon? Wanna head over together?"

"Oh, sure," is what escapes his lips before the words can even properly process in his brain.

"Great!" Pinky exclaims, grabbing both Jirou and him by the hands and dragging them up and off of the couch. "Let's go!"

And then the next thing he knows, the harsh light of the outdoors glare directly into his retinas and suddenly, he's taking a walk with Jirou and Pinky to class. On either side of him, both girls ease into gossip.

"Hey, Ashido, you used to go to middle school with Kirishima, right?"

"Yeah, what about it?"

"So I've been wondering this for a while but is his hair...really just like that?"

"Ha, no! That guy probably goes through two cans of hairspray a day! For real, I don't know how he has the money to deal with all that upkeep on the daily."

"Then what did he look like back in middle school?"

"...Wanna see a pic?"

"Do you really have one?"

"Yeah! Lemme dig through my phone real quick to find a pic!"

...Why does Pinky have a pic of the guy on her phone? _Katsuki_ doesn't even have any pics of the guy on _his_ phone, and Kirishima's pretty much straight up told him at some point he's closer to him than he had ever been with any of his middle school friends. So _why_ Pinky would have a pic of him on her phone, then, is beyond him.

It's not going to stop him from talking a peek at the pic though. Who knows, maybe it'll make _great_ blackmail fodder to get Kirishima to stop playing that _stupidass song_ every time he enters a room.

"Ah, I found it! Take a look at him. I can't believe a haircut can make someone look so different!"

Katsuki and Jirou both lean their heads over, quite literally butting their heads over who the first to see Kirishima's embarrassing middle school hair phase would be. But before any of the glowing pixels on screen can register in his head, something knocks him on the backside of the head and the next thing he knows, the world fades to black.

* * *

When he wakes up, he finds himself bound to a chair in a room devoid of all color and personality minus a few imperfections in the paint job. On either side of him are Jirou and Pinky, who have also both been tied to chairs, with one circle of rope tied around their chests and binding all three of them together.

How did this happen? He was _kidnapped?_ By a method as simple as just _knocking him out?_ But normally, his reflexes are good enough that people wouldn't be able to get within a meter of him without him hearing them.

Does this mean...being with the two of them lowered his guard? Does this imply making friends has made him...weaker?

No, it _couldn't_ be.

Could it?

...Nah.

"Ouch…"

"Where are...we?"

It seems the two girls have woken up, too, by now. And they seem to be just as confused as he is. If not more.

"Have we...been kidnapped?" Jirou asks.

Yep, yep. Jirou seems to be great at thinking on her feet, even with a possible concussion from getting knocked out.

And then Jirou clicks her tongue. "Bakugou, is it a given that you'll get kidnapped every three months or something? Because if so, I'm going to need to start keeping a calendar just so I know when to _not_ be around you."

Katsuki doesn't know what hurts more — the simple fact that he's been kidnapped, or the affront on his pride by Jirou insinuating he's a cursed little bastard. Regardless, he really took a hit today, more than physically.

"Look, if anything, me getting kidnapped so often means I have a shitload of arch-nemeses, and if _anything,_ that just makes me a greater hero."

"Yeah. Sure. If that helps you sleep at night."

"I sleep just _fine—"_

"Hey, you two! Quit fighting and let's figure out how to get out of this!" Pinky butts in.

Jirou sighs. "Well, Bakugou's already been in a situation where he's been tied up before—"

...And exactly _whose_ fault was that, _Jirou?_

"—so can't he just break us out the same way?"

"You mean by blasting off the ropes?" He scowls. "You realize if I did that, I'd probably hurt you two as collateral damage, right?"

Jirou turns her face towards him, eyes a little bit wider than normal. "Oh, Bakugou...being considerate?"

Her words are hidden is so many layers of both sarcasm and genuine astonishment he isn't sure what the center of her intent would be even if he managed to pull back all those layers like an onion. But she's right. Since when did he become genuinely _considerate_ of others? Since when did he start caring about whether or not he would _hurt_ others? This is truly a new experience for him, here.

"How about Pinky, then? You can shoot out acid, right?"

"Yeah, but then I'd run into the same problem as you." Pinky contorts the shape of her mouth into a something akin to an upside down 'v,' deep in thought. "I might burn you two with my acid if I tried to bust us all out of the rope."

"Damn."

"Also, Bakugou! I didn't know you knew my hero name!" Pinky chirps up, dialing her personality from pensive and concerned back to its regular station of cheerful ball of excitement.

But Katsuki, hearing that, can only furrow his brows in confusion. "What are you talking about?"

"Pinky! My hero name!"

Ah.

Fuck.

He slipped and called her "Pinky" out loud? He had been doing his best up until now to keep his nicknames for his classmates under wraps, because he figured it would sure make him look like a _jerk_ if he kept publicly referring to them as something other than their names. _Sure,_ this time he lucked out and Pinky just _happened_ to be her hero name, but if there's _ever_ a next time where this happens, he's not guaranteed to be this lucky again.

"Actually, I didn't know your hero name," he blurts out. Without thinking. For the nth time in his entire, wholeass life.

Fuck, fuck, _fuck._ He dug himself a hole, she lent him a hand and shoveled dirt back in, and then he decided to just bulldoze his way all the way to Brazil even _with_ all her help to not be a fucking idiot.

"Oh. So then you were just calling me Pinky because—"

"Look, I just called you that based off of skin color." When he finally hears the words that just escaped from his lips, his eyes widen so much he swears they've become a large enough circumference to legally use for target practice. "It's a...nice skin tone, though...?"

Look, for as smart and as fucking genius he can be sometimes, Katsuki really needs to learn how to _shut the fuck up_ sometimes. Because did he just imply there were _not_ nice skin tones?

The only _bad_ skin tone there's gonna be after all this shit is going to be his kidnappers' after he beats them up and carts them off to jail for getting him into this situation to begin with. Because none of this could possibly be _Katsuki's_ fault. Nope. Not a chance in the world.

But Pinky, unperturbed, just shoots a broad smile in his direction. "Thanks! It took me a while to really come to terms with myself, but I really like my skin tone too! It's why I chose it as my hero name in the first place! But really, you can just call me Ashido instead!"

...How he just managed to get himself out of that situation is beyond him, but he'll take the chance he was just given and even grovel before it if necessary. Time to change conversation topics before he induces a seizure by continually fucking up conversation with Ashido.

"Then Jirou," he says, turning towards her, "what's your quirk? Do you think you can break us out of here?"

For a moment, she's silent. Yet, when she opens her mouth, it's the _last_ answer he expects. "Didn't you say something last week something akin to: 'Well it's second semester, so you _should_ know my quirk by now.' What, are you _exempt_ from your own logic?"

Katsuki can feel his face turning red from embarrassment. "W-well, I'll have you know, those weren't actually _my_ words. I was just repeating what Uraraka told _me_ a while back!"

Ha! Take _that,_ Jirou. Check-mcFuck-Mate. Let's see how you get out of _that_ one.

"Then isn't it worse that you're aware of the issue and _still_ haven't done anything about it? And isn't it hypocritical of you to call someone out for a fault you share?"

Oh. Well, Katsuki now realizes he doesn't know how to play chess. So maybe what he just did was analogous to if someone exclaimed, "Slam dunk!" in a game of "Go Fish." It turns out, Jirou is always one step ahead of him, circling around his words like a shark, ready to pick them out and apart like her prey.

Damn, she's good.

Jirou sighs. "My quirk is Earphone Jack. See my ears here?" She tilts her head a little to the side, allowing Katsuki a good glimpse of the extra appendages hanging off her lobes. "I can plug these into anything and channel the sound of my heartbeat into those things."

"...So do you think the vibrations are strong enough to separate the fibers of the ropes?" he asks.

A split second of thought passes through her, reflecting gentle surprise in her eyes. "Hmmm, yeah. I think that could work. _And_ it shouldn't hurt you too much, save for a little ringing in your ears. If I slowly adjust the frequency too, your ears should accommodate enough that it _shouldn't_ burst your eardrums."

"Yay, Jirou!" Pinky giggles. "I'm so glad I got kidnapped with you!"

"I don't think there's any sufficient reason to being glad you were kidnapped at all."

"Yeah, but since I _have_ been kidnapped, you're definitely the best to get kidnapped _with,_ you know."

Katsuki sighs, just wanting to get out of these ropes and stretch his limbs. You know, gotta get in a good stretch before he renders his kidnappers into meat shreds. "Could you just get on with it already? I wanna teach those kidnappers a lesson or two." If he had free reign of his arms, he would definitely be smacking his fists together right now in his own hype.

Jirou gives him a look that tells him she doesn't appreciate him rushing her. But, taking a deep breath and closing her eyes, she extends her earjacks towards the rope. Evidently, she's just about as irritated as he is with this whole situation, and probably figures the sooner she can pick an actual fight with the kidnappers, the better.

It begins as a low grumble, raising an octave in pitch maybe once every thirty seconds. It's enough for his ears to adjust to each change in pitch, but not enough for the final result to still not sound shrill as all hell. If it weren't for Jirou's consideration of their fragile ears that _aren't hers,_ he's pretty sure his ears would be bleeding right about now.

But just as he's about to faint for the second time today, he notices the ropes dancing around, each individual fiber beginning to unravel from the shock. In just another half a second, the ropes binding the three of them together have all but turned to something akin to limp hair on the ground.

"Great job, Jirou!" Ashido exclaims, dusting herself off before throwing a thumbs up in Jirou's direction.

"T-Thanks," the other girl replies, absentmindedly twiddling with one of her earjacks as the faintest blush dawns upon her cheeks.

Oh. Is Jirou actually...shy?

Time to record that in the books. You know, to remember for later. Just in case. Or something. You know, it's probably not easy to blackmail someone for being _shy,_ but he sure can _try._

"Okay!" Ashido pumps her fist into the air. "It's time to get back at them for kidnapping us!" She makes a motion with her arms, as if ready to shoot acid at the door and break it down.

But just as Ashido's about to shoot out jets of acid, Jirou places a hand on the girl's arm, startling her from being able to properly use her quirk. Rather, a few droplets fall from her fingertips, bubbling and fizzing on the ground, but otherwise doing nothing — not even leaving a hole in the floor.

"What?" Surprisingly, it's not Ashido to state her annoyance that her destructive impulses have been quelled. Rather, it's Katsuki who just said that. "Why _can't_ Ashido just bust us outta here? I wanna beat up some dumbasses."

Jirou lets go of Ashido's arm, placing her hands on her hips now. She gives an irritated huff. "Well, think about it. Our quirks are meant to wreak havoc on a mass scale. Sure, we're working on more streamlined lines of offense so we can more accurately target things, but we're still novices on that type of plan of attack."

"So what's your point?" Katsuki asks, arms folded and head churning with confusion over how any part of what she just said was relevant to their situation. Mass destruction? Yes please.

As if she can read his thoughts, Jirou glares at him. " _So_ my point is, if we're not sure if we're the only hostages here, we shouldn't go around blowing shit up."

Oh. Fair point. Isn't that what got him into trouble at the extra hero practice the other day? When he busted in too quick into All Might's fake armed robbery?

 _Impatience is a sin, Katsuki,_ he has to tell himself.

"Then what are we gonna do about it?" Ashido asks.

"Let me stake out the perimeters of this building first. I'll listen in and check if there's any hostages other than us. And _then_ we'll talk about blowing this place into smithereens."

"Wait, but Jirou, I thought your quirk could only extend to a radius of about twelve meters," Ashido says.

"Well, yes, but I've been training it a lot recently, and I think I can get it to extend it a lot farther than that now, though I haven't really been able to measure the distance of _how_ far, lately. But assuming all the walling is directly connected to each other, I can probably...well, approximately...hear a few vibrations from every room," Jirou explains.

Katsuki places a hand on his chin, deep in thought. This is the first time in a while he's probably thought about _anything,_ to be honest. "How well does your quirk work?"

"Do you mean _how_ my quirk works? Dude, I already told y—"

"No. Like, does it work sort of like echolocation? Do you think you could use it to give us a general layout of this building?"

"Ooh! Good idea, Bakugou! If we can get an approximate map of this place, then we can even plan some sort of sneak attack on them!" Ashido exclaims. And then she remembers that the other party _hasn't_ answered whether or not her quirk even works that way. Awkwardly turning towards Jirou, Ashido softly says, "You know, so long as that's _within_ your quirk abilities, Jirou."

Jirou, in response, seems deep in thought. Scratching her temple, she says, "Well, I've never really thought about using it like that before. And I'm not sure if it would be a good idea to push the upper limits of my quirk right now…" she trails off, before glancing up at the other two, who now seem to be wracking their heads to figure out some other strategy to get back at the kidnappers.

Then again, they can always just default back to the original plan: straight up fucking up the building.

"But you know, I can _try,"_ Jirou finally concedes, already heading to the doorway, earjacks ready to go. Plugging them into the wall, she shuts her eyes closed as tightly as physically possible.

Her intense concentration renders both him and Ashido unable to move, in fear of interfering with her hearing by making noise of their own. Rather, he thinks in the one or two minutes she spends listening to the vibrations of the building, he probably only breathes 0.5 times.

How can you only take half a breath, you may ask?

Well, the second he realized he was involuntarily breathing, he kept all the air trapped in his mouth to prevent it from escaping, and he kept this up until he was quite literally blue in the face. Maybe even purple.

Good thing Jirou didn't have her eyes open. She would've made fun of him.

Although, _Ashido's_ eyes were open, and it literally took every ounce of her will to _not_ fall on the floor in laughter of his dumbassery.

Why is him trying to be _considerate_ so funny? He's trying his _best_ here, he really is.

Or is he?

He actually doesn't know the answer to that himself. After all, he can't feel his brain or his lungs or his blood pulse anymore, so honestly speaking, there's not a single coherent thought running through his head right now.

(But is there _ever_ any coherent thought running through his head? _You_ decide!)

"Okay, I think I sorta got the layout of the building!" Jirou exclaims, unplugging herself from the wall, and ultimately breaking the silence.

"Shit, _finally_ I can breathe again!" Katsuki shouts out, gulping in large pockets of air.

But him finally being able to breathe again means that Ashido is also finally free to laugh at him. And that she does. Over and over and over until both his ears and lungs are ringing with the sound of her laughter.

But when Jirou asks, "What's so funny?" it turns out Ashido's enough of a bro to give Jirou nothing more than an "It's nothing" while wiping the tears from her eyes.

And with that, Ashido is now his second favorite girl in Class 1-A, after Uraraka. If only because Ashido understands he's already suffered enough humiliation under Jirou to not deserve more cannon fodder of disgrace thrown his way by her and her cutthroat words.

As Ashido's peals of laughter begin to die down, Katsuki turns towards said girl with said cutthroat words. "So whaddya learn?"

"Okay, so this building seems to be pretty tiny. Only two stories tall. It's also pretty good, which is good for me because that means there's less soundproofing. Anyway, I could only catch three distinct sets of footsteps, so I'm guessing there are three kidnappers."

"Hear anything other than those footsteps?" Ashido asks.

"Yeah, if there are other hostages who were tied up like us, they definitely wouldn't be walking freely around," Katsuki continues what he presumes was Ashido's train of thought. "So just because you can't hear _more_ distinct footsteps, how can we be sure there aren't _other_ people here?"

"You're right." Jirou nods her approval at Katsuki's musings. "I took that into account, but I also only heard three sets of voices along with those three sets of footsteps."

"But what if there are other hostages who are just knocked out, like we were? We can't just go destroying this building on the _chance_ that we're the only hostages here. I don't want to mess up and get people unnecessarily hurt." Ashido frowns. "Wow, hostage situations sure suck." Turning towards Katsuki, she rather innocently asks him, "How do you _deal_ with this all the time?"

Katsuki scowls back at her. He doesn't deal with it _all_ the time. Okay? He isn't just _constantly_ getting kidnapped. It's not like he runs around the city with a sign taped to his back that says, "Villains! Kidnap me!" He's not a fucking _idiot._ Just fucking _unlucky._

But just as he's about to retort her rather rude insinuation — even if it _is_ somewhat truthful from an outsider's perspective — Jirou interrupts the flow of their tangent and says, "Yeah, I also took _that_ into account. But I heard a little bit of their conversations, and I think I caught them saying something like, how they're going to get famous within certain villain circles for capturing _three_ Yuuei students."

"Did they mention anyone else?" Ashido asks.

"No." Jirou shakes her head. "The only number I heard them repeating was three."

"So the probability that we're the only hostages here is around ninety-something percent, huh?" Katsuki slowly turns his frown upside-down and changes his newfound smile into the smirk of Satan. "So it would be pretty safe for us to just destroy this building, huh?"

"Yeah, that's the conclusion I came up with too," Jirou says.

"Then what are we waiting for?" Ashido practically shouts out, before she instinctively covers her mouth in fear of the kidnappers hearing them. "Let's go!" she whispers to them, heading toward the door.

"Wait!" Katsuki motions at Ashido to stay where she is. Turning towards Jirou again, he asks her, "Do you know which room the kidnappers are?"

Jirou nods. "I think they're directly below us."

Katsuki thinks for a second. What would be the most efficient way to go about things? "Okay, Ashido, instead of blasting through the door and walking towards them, I think we should just go for a surprise attack." Pointing at the floor, he continues, "While Jirou and I stand outside of the corrosion radius, you melt the floor beneath us with your acid, and then all three of us will jump them from above."

"Ooh! Good thinking!" Ashido grins, before darkening her expression to one of pure seriousness. "Stand back then, you two. Preferably up against the walls."

So Jirou and him do just that, pressing their backs flat against the walls as Ashido splatters the floor in a pool of acid. It doesn't even take five seconds for the floor to entirely liquify and drip down to the floor beneath, a trickling waterfall of unadulterated peril.

Judging by the way the acid is falling down, too, Katsuki wouldn't be surprised if the kidnappers beneath came out of this with acid burns on their faces.

Ha! That'll teach _them_ to mess with him.

And Jirou.

And Ashido, for actually doing the acid stuff.

But most importantly, him.

"What's going on?" he hears a voice beneath them shout out. It's an incredibly raspy male voice, as if the person the voice belongs to has been dehydrated for the past thirty years.

"I don't know," a different voice replies. It's a voice whose timbre and enunciation is so absolutely average and indistinctive he's already forgotten what the voice sounded like.

"Well then, figure out what's going on!" a third voice screeches. Or is it bellows? _This_ voice sounds like it's gone through several vocal adjustments from a music producer or something. It's both high and low — soprano, alto, contralto, and bass. Like the guy has multiple sets of vocal chords in him or something.

But from _Katsuki's_ room, which is quickly dissolving closer and closer to his feet, Jirou and Ashido and him all look each other dead in the eyes and come to an unspoken agreement: it's time to jump these villains.

Ashido takes in a deep breath, readying herself. And then, with one trill of a shout reverberating out of her lungs, she kicks herself up on one leg and points the other downwards, in a kick playacting as a plunging attack.

Inspired by her initiative, the other two also jump downwards, both readying their fists and Katsuki adding in that extra wow factor of readying an explosion in his right fist.

Using his left hand to propel himself in the air for a few more seconds, Katsuki lands his infamous right hook into someone's jaw.

Someone screeches in pain as Katsuki lands on his two feet. As his brain begins to orient itself from his dizziness, he finally takes a good look at his kidnappers.

The first one he takes notice of looks like an amalgamation of people. Like a Frankenstein concocted in a witch's brew. The guy's right arm is the beefiest arm Katsuki's ever seen. And he's _seen_ All Might's muscles up close before, so this guy is _pretty_ beefy. But in contrast, the guy's _left_ arm is a scrawny twig, forcing the guy to lean heavily towards his right from all the _weight_ in his right. The legs are around the same deal, with the pant leg on the left side ripping apart from being unable to encircle around his thighs, yet having the fabric also drape loosely over the right leg from _that leg_ being too thin. Meanwhile, his face is a fusion of strong jaw, asymmetric ears, a nose that looks like it's been broken ages ago, heterochromatic eyes — one piercing blue and one deep brown — and two eyebrows one as thick as a caterpillar and one as thin as a pencil line. The face ends in flowing green locks on one side of the head and a buzzcut of purple on the other end. Through the guy's bare torso, Katsuki can see plain as day the black stitches running rampant up and around the guy's skin, as if he really _was_ made to be a Frankenstein of sorts.

A little off to Frankenstein's right, is a drastically emaciated looking man, his sallow-brown skin dry and full of bumps. He's wearing a button-up denim shirt and blue pants to match, but even the abundance of material can't hide the fact the guy looks no better than a skeletal frame. His eyes are bloodshot and sunken in, ducking beneath the weight of what seems to be a thousand eyebags. Katsuki can only guess this is the man the raspy, dehydrated voice belongs to. He certainly looks the part, after all.

And then to Dehydrated's _right,_ there's...some guy. Sporting a plain white t-shirt and some jeans, his apparel is nothing out of the ordinary. His frame is average. His height is average. Everything about him is so unextraordinary, Katsuki can't even remember what the guy's face looks like. Even while staring _directly_ into the guy's eyes, he can't pick out a single feature of him worth remembering.

"What'cha looking at, huh?" Frankenstein leers at Katsuki.

"Just trying to remember what you guys look like so I'll get a good before and after image of you when I beat you up." Katsuki cracks a rather sadistic smile.

"Hey, Riptide, looks like we got a fucking wise guy over here," Frankenstein says, looking over at Dehydrated. Well, Riptide. Riptide is the name of the dehydrated guy. Okay, noted.

"Let's just knock them out again. Gotta get that ransom money from Yuuei somehow," Riptide says, his sandpaper voice low and soft.

"And once we're on the news, we'll get famous!" Some Guy excitedly exclaims.

Even the guy's sheer lust for fame is obtusely plain.

"Then let's make this re-capture quick," Frankenstein says with a grin on his face.

The next thing Katsuki knows, Frankenstein's suddenly beside him, a trail of dust behind Frankenstein in the wake of his running. "Got'cha," he whispers in Katsuki's ear, grabbing a hold of Katsuki's arm with one hand. In the guy's other hand appears to be Ashido, who he had somehow managed to grab hold of in the short amount of time he had been moving. In shock, Katsuki tries to blast himself out of the guy's hold.

But then the next thing he knows, his vision is a kaleidoscope of colors. And when he comes to, he's on the Frankenstein's _other_ side, staring directly into the blood-red eyes of...himself?

"Why are there two of me?" he hears himself say. But not _himself_ himself — it's the self he's staring directly at that's saying that. "Huh?" His mirror-self yelps. "My voice sounds different!"

As an idea of what's going on begins to formulate in his head, Katsuki looks down. He notices pink skin. _His_ pink skin.

It seems he and Ashido have switched bodies.

"Oh? Picked up on it, huh?" Frankenstein snickers. "Name's Vice Versa. If I grab hold of two people, they swap bodies." He unceremoniously drops their hands from his. "Have fun trying to defeat us like this."

"Ashido! Bakugou! You two alright?" Jirou shouts out, in the midst of a hand-to-hand combat with Some Guy off in the corner.

"Yeah!" Ashido-in-his-body exclaims. "Just a little disoriented, but we're good!"

Katsuki flicks his wrist back and forth, trying to get the pain of Vice Versa's vice grip to subside. And he watches, fascinated, as bits of acid spray off his skin.

Kinda like...his sweat.

And when he notes that, he can't help but laugh. Chortle. Bellow from the pit of his stomach as if he's reaching into the depths of hell itself and wrenching out the cries of the damned straight from their cursed lips, if you will.

And soon enough, Ashido-in-his-body begins to follow suit. Meaning, she must have noticed too.

That their quirks are similar. _Very_ similar. Meaning they work just about the same way, and the learning curve for getting used to each other's body won't be steep.

Leaning their backs against each other to make sure they keep each other's blind spots in check, they both grin.

"You better kick some ass if you're gonna be in my body," he says.

"Same to you!" Ashido-in-his-body snickers.

And then as Ashido-in-his-body runs over to Riptide, he rushes over to Jirou, who looks like she's been struggling for a while to deal with Some Guy.

Her arms raised in a defensive "X" above her head, Jirou seems to be taking quite a beating from Some Guy.

Although, looking at Some Guy, Katsuki's pretty sure he's not exactly what one would call _strong._ But then again, based on what he knows of Jirou's quirk, she's probably best suited as a ranged attacker and likely doesn't have too much experience fighting people head-on.

Well, Katsuki's been waiting for Ashido to spray some acid at people. But it's all the _more_ satisfying if _he's_ the one who gets to do it this time.

He watches them for a bit, sidestepping every now and then to keep out of her way. But as soon as he sees an opening, Katsuki give a victorious smirk and flicks his wrist, watching with sadistic glee as a stream of acid shoots from his fingertips.

Some Guy's eyes widen. Reflexively, it seems, he shoots a surge of clear liquid from _his_ fingertips, squinting his eyes shut as the acid lands on him.

Or, what _should_ have been acid.

Because when the acid lands on him...nothing happens.

No burning.

No smoke.

No cries of pain.

Nothing.

Katsuki's sadism is left yet unsated.

"What the hell?" Katsuki mutters. "Why didn't it work?"

"Ah." Some Guy opens his eyes. Even _he_ seems to be surprised that nothing happened to him. "Is your quirk, by chance, acid?"

"Well" —Katsuki scowls at Some Guy— "it _should_ be."

"Then it seems we aren't well matched!" Some Guy rather confidently declares. "For my quirk is that I'm basic!"

"..."

"..."

"...Pardon?"

Hands on his hips, Some Guy repeats, "I'm basic!"

What...the hell?

"How is that a...quirk?" Jirou asks, lowering her hands from its defensive posture. Seems both she and him have been caught off guard by this guy's dumbassery.

"My quirk is that I secrete a basic solution!" Some Guy chuckles. "In fact, before I turned to villainhood, I was a janitor! Name's Haruto, by the way."

"Haruto?" Jirou frowns. "If you're a villain, wouldn't you usually say your villain name instead of your real name? You know, to keep your actual identity under wraps so it's harder for the police to catch you?"

"Haruto _is_ my villain name!"

Wait, isn't Haruto, like, _the_ most common guy's name in Japan?

Wow, everything _about_ this guy depresses the _hell_ outta him. He really _is_ super basic.

But the most depressing thing about _Haruto_ is that he's right. They really _aren't_ well matched. Because if they match acid and base, then what they're left with is just a neutral ph. As in, just _water._

And he can't hurt anyone with just _water._

Just as he's thinking that, though, a spray of water hits him from the right.

"Katsuki," he hears from beside him. It's his voice. Meaning this is Ashido-in-his-body speaking to him. Wow, hearing his voice from somewhere _not_ his own vocal chords is trippy as all hell. "I think I'm having a little problem here," Ashido-in-his-body continues.

Riptide stalks towards them, globes of water cradled in both his palms.

So Riptide has a water quirk. How...predictable.

Katsuki looks at Ashido-in-his-body, who's drenched from head to toe. Well, that's not good. After all, he knows from experience that he can't sweat if he's a soppy wet rag.

Fuck. Seems like _both_ of them are at a disadvantage then.

"What do we do?" Jirou asks, gathering towards him and Ashido-in-his-body. "How are we gonna get out of this situation?"

Katsuki wracks his head for every single bit of knowledge he's ever learned about chemistry.

So, _he_ creates acidic solutions, and _Haruto_ creates basic solutions. Mixed together, they make water, which Riptide will be able to freely manipulate from there.

No matter how he looks at it, him and his classmates are at a definite disadvantage here.

Riptide hurls a glob of water at him, which rushes at him at a speed so quick Katsuki can only _barely_ dodge it. That would've hit like _cement_ if he didn't have quick enough reflexes.

Ah wait, now that he thinks of it, even _if_ the two solutions of him and Haruto's mix together to form water, what if he could just...reverse it? _Some_ solutions are reversible, right?

Then again, he doesn't know what the actual _properties_ of the solutions are. So, he can only _hope_ that applying enough energy can reverse the solutions.

But wait.

As he wracks his brain for more vague memories of chemistry, he realizes that _because_ he doesn't know the exact properties of the solutions, he shouldn't risk trying to mess with the reactions as they are. Something completely unplanned for could happen, after all.

Well, he guesses he has to settle for another plan then.

"Okay, Ashido. Just dry yourself off as fast as you can!" Katsuki yells out.

"How?"

"I don't know. Just think of something!"

"Okay! Gotcha!"

And then Ashido-in-his-body literally _drops_ to the floor and immediately starts breakdancing.

...Seems like she's the type of person to think with anything _but_ her brain first. But you know what, watching the droplets fly from her body like a fireworks show of...well, water, he has to nod his approval at her rather unorthodox method.

Well, time to pay attention back to Haruto. The basic boy.

So Katsuki can't get too acid happy, or they'll just mix their solutions together into a ton of water. Which won't be good. But maybe, if Jirou could just render him immobile for a few seconds, then he could—

Wait, maybe he doesn't even _need_ Jirou.

After all, Haruto's physique isn't anything special. Which means...he could just...fight him directly?

Oh, well that works too.

He takes an offensive stance, feet wide apart to keep his balance. And then he lands a right hook on the guys jaw. Before Haruto can recover from the swift blow, he kicks him in the side, pushing Haruto backwards. Then he surges forward, landing punch after punch after kick after punch so quick that Haruto can't react to what's going on.

In mere moments, Haruto is rendered immobile. Not from any quirks, but from a gentleman's friendly fistfight.

Ha. Fucking loser.

Ashido-in-his-body, on the other hand, has apparently gotten herself dry enough to distinguish sweat from water on her skin, and is now utilizing her perpetual movement from breakdancing to become a cyclone of explosion.

Like, imagine a tornado but it's ejecting explosives from every which direction.

 _That's_ what Ashido-in-his-body is doing, and it's fucking _cool._ He's gotta remember to have her teach him how to dance some day. It'll _really_ open a new pathway of destruction for him, if he can master it.

Against Ashido-in-his-body, Riptide manages to hold his own decently well, but it also seems like the more water he takes up, the more dehydrated and sallow his skin looks.

Oh. So, if there's no direct source of water for the guy to manipulate, then he has to draw out water from his own body?

Well, that's a pretty fatal quirk limit.

Especially if Ashido keeps releasing explosion after explosion, which will definitely dehydrate him even faster.

But also, the guy is so physically weak by now it would probably be best to just mercy-kill him.

Well, not _kill._

 _He_ doesn't want to be the one to get carted off to jail here after everything that's happened today.

So, while Riptide's distracted, Katsuki sneaks behind him and punches him in the back of the head, knocking the guy out.

Meaning _now,_ there's only Vice Versa left.

With renewed vigor, he and Jirou stalk towards the guy. And Ashido-in-his-body, once she gets her — well, _his_ — body off the floor, joins their little gang.

But Vice Versa is clearly the big bad of the three of them.

"Jirou," Katsuki says, "the plan of attack here is for me and Ashido to distract him. When I tell you to go, plug your earjacks into his skin and then up your frequency immediately. You know, give him a _heart attack."_ Katsuki prepares to to run towards the villain, before pausing and remembering a few more words of instruction he should give. "But make sure to _wait_ for one of us to give you the okay, because we wanna get back in our own bodies."

"Got it!" Jirou nods, running out of the edges of what she guesses will be the battlefield.

Ashido then goes in for a punch, propeling herself towards Vice Versa with a few blasts from the palm. Taking note, Katsuki secretes acid from his feet and uses that to slip across the floor.

And thank _fuck_ he has a great sense of balance, because otherwise, he can't imagine how doing this could be physically possible. It literally takes _all_ his core muscles not to slip on his ass. Well, not _his_ ass. He mean, the ass that he's currently conscious of.

Not that he's _conscious_ of _Ashido's_ ass.

He means—

Okay, never fucking mind. No asses. What connects the back to the leg? He has no idea. Ass? What's that? He doesn't know.

On Vice Versa's left, Ashido-in-his-body lands an explosive blow. And on Vice Versa's _right,_ Katsuki coats his fist in acid and makes a direct connection to the villain's side.

Vice Versa hisses in pain, swinging his right arm around as if to swat them away like flies. But because of the makeup of his imbalanced body, the swing is so slow it appears drunken, and the guy stumbles over his feet.

"Ashido!" Katsuki shouts. "Grab his hand!"

"Roger!"

"Jirou, get ready!" he yells back.

"Gotcha covered!"

And taking hold of Vice Versa's hand in his moment of confusion, Katsuki shuts his eyes and prepares himself again for the kaleidoscope of colors that'll lead him back into his body.

When he opens his eyes again, he can see from across Vice Versa's body the face of Ashido. Meaning the face plastered onto his conscious now is his _own_ again.

Ah, it feel so _good_ to be back in his own body.

And so all this means: it's time to make way for Jirou to fuck it up.

"Jirou, go!" he shouts out, both he and Ashido simultaneously letting go of the villain. But not before Ashido sprays more acid on Vice Versa, such that he's doubled over in so much pain he can't move.

And with that opening, Jirou rushes in, extending her earjacks. As they pierce through Vice Versa's skin, the guy begins to jolt so hard he becomes a blur.

"Yeah! Kill him!" Ashido-in-her-own-body shouts out in glee.

And while Katsuki is normally a huge proponent of murder, today he's not normal Katsuki. Well, okay, he _wasn't_ normal Katsuki just a few moments ago because he was Katsuki-in-Ashido's-body, but _now_ he's not normal Katsuki because now he's learned morals. Now he's _moral_ Katsuki.

 **Congratulations! The title «Master of Morals» has been added to your list of skills.**

 **Congratulations! Your Empathy Level grew from Level 5 to Level 6.**

"We're not gonna _kill_ him, Ashido," Katsuki says. "We'd get suspended if we did."

"Oh. Yeah. Wait, what if we get expelled?" Eyes wide in fear, Ashido cups her hands around her mouth as a makeshift megaphone and yells out to Jirou, "Don't kill him! I don't wanna get expelled!"

Next to Vice Versa, Jirou gives her classmate a thumbs up before unattaching her earjacks from the villain's body.

Vice Versa collapses onto the ground with a heavy thud, foam dribbling from his mouth.

Collecting her heaving breaths, Jirou weakly smiles at them. "C'mon. Let's tie them up and report them to the police."

* * *

"What do you _mean_ we're suspended?" Ashido whines.

"Like I _said,_ as _students,_ you can't use your quirks without our explicit permission," Aizawa replies, arms crossed and face cross.

"Would you _rather_ the school pay a huge lump sum of cash to them then?" Jirou bites back.

"Yes, because it would've been _much_ safer. _And_ we could've just discreetly sent some pro-heroes your way to rescue you instead of having to risk your lives _and_ the school's money." Aizawa glares at them with his bloodshot eyes. "So that means suspension for the three of you."

Ah _shit._ This makes Katsuki's _third_ suspension.

"And _you."_ Aizawa turns his gaze towards Katsuki, who uncharacteristically begins to wither beneath the teacher's gaze. "Since this is your _third_ suspension, I have a _special_ punishment waiting for you."

Katsuki gulps.

Special...punishment…?

Ha.

Ha.

Fuck.

* * *

 **A/N:** Sorry guys this chapter isn't really that funny. Hopefully it makes up for it in friendship though? I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! Thanks for reading and stay tuned for Aizawa's special punishment ;)

(Hint: involves our favorite smol child.)


	8. A vEri Good Babysitter

**A/N:** Sorry that I'm one day late! Also, for those who don't want any manga spoilers, uhhhh,,,,,,,I'm sorry. This chapter is focused on a character who hasn't yet appeared in the anime. And I guess there are hints towards the next arc of the anime in this chapter so? If you don't want to be spoiled, I would suggest you not read.

Or! Read the manga! :DDDD And come back and read :DDDDDDDDDDDDDD

Anyway, cheers! To my lubbly boi Mirio in this chapter!

* * *

If his life were a TV show — and he's thought about it a lot, how his life would make a real _hit_ anime, spawning a franchise worth millions — this would be the part where the narrator goes into that whole spiel, "Last time on _My Fucking Hero: Bakugou_ , Bakugou was in the midst of receiving a 'special punishment' from Aizawa-sensei! But _this_ punishment, it's—!" Immediately followed by the most banger anime opening you've ever heard.

And now's the part after the opening narration and opening song, where he's just standing confused in this classroom occupied only by him, Jirou, Ashido, and Aizawa.

Because why does _he,_ Bakugou _Katsuki,_ have to receive special punishment when the others _don't?_

Well, he supposes if the others got the same type of punishment, _his_ punishment wouldn't be so _special_ anymore. Nevertheless, why'd _he_ have to get singled out?

...Oh, right. It's because it's his third infraction. As opposed to _their_ first infraction. Oh. Right.

Upon hearing about his divine judgment at the hands of Aizawa, Jirou shoots him a look of pity. One that says, "Sorry, dude. I'll make the arrangements for your funeral." Ashido, on the other hand, is still pouting. Beneath her breath, she prattles on about how she refuses to be other people's garbage collector.

Irritated now, Aizawa takes a hard look at the two girls before jutting his chin out in the direction of exit, indicating for them to get the fuck out. And Katsuki, very desperate to avoid his third suspension, takes a quiet step backward. Then another. And another. If he can get just thirty more steps in, maybe he'll be able to slink away unnoticed—

"Not so fast, Bakugou."

—or not.

Damn, he was really banking on sneaking out, hidden amongst his two friends. Then again, trying to duck under cover between two people is practically impossible.

Katsuki clicks his tongue. Softly. Because he doesn't want a _fourth_ suspension for disrespecting authority. Or something.

He _thinks_ that's a term but he doesn't entirely know what it means.

But really, if he had had more friends, maybe this 'sneaking away in the crowd' thing would've worked.

So he's come to the conclusion that he needs more friends. So he can more easily use them as scapegoats. Or cannon fodder.

 **Congratulations! Secret item «LVF Award: Least Valuable Friend Award» has been attained.**

 **Sadism Level + 4.**

 **Empathy Level - 1.**

 **Congratulations! Your Sadism Level is now Level 87.**

 **Congratulations! Your Empathy Level is now Level 5.**

Katsuki ever so slowly raises his head to face Aizawa once again. And then he emits a rather meek, "...Yes?"

"Come with me."

...Well.

He's dead fucking meat.

* * *

"Ah! You must be the lively little freshman number two!"

Now in the teacher's lounge, a befuddled Katsuki stares directly at some dude's collarbones. Wait, what?

His eyes slowly trail upwards, and it feels like his chin has to hike up a whole mountain before his gaze finally lands on a rather plain face concluding in a hairstyle he can only describe as a half-assed attempt at a pompadour.

 _Man,_ Katsuki thinks upon taking a good look at the guy, _his eyes don't look like the same art style as_ mine.

Wait, wait, wait. More importantly than that, didn't this guy just call him—

"Number...two?" Katsuki squints at the guy. He's wearing a Yuuei uniform just like Katsuki, but Katsuki doesn't recognize him at all. Which can only mean one thing — the guy's a student at the school, but not someone in his class, because Katsuki doesn't recognize a single soul outside of his immediate daily surroundings.

...Not that _not_ knowing who people are makes him a-a _jerk._ Just a-a-an un...observant idiot!

Yeah! He'll take idiot over jerk _any_ day of the week! Well, honestly speaking, he'd prefer neither term, but he'll take what he can get.

"Yep, number two!" The guy flashes a broad smile that seems to take up the entire lower half of his face. "You and Midoriya-kun are the ones who got into that big fight a while ago, right?"

Ah, yes. His first suspension. He sure _loves_ to be reminded of how much of a duncehead he was during his _first_ fuckup while about to face the gallows for his _third._

But if _he,_ Bakugou Katsuki, is number _two_ for "lively little freshman", then that means _Deku_ is number _one._ And there's no doubt in Katsuki's mind that he'd rather deal with the repercussions of biting Satan's whole seven armpits than _ever_ be ranked lower than Deku in _anything._

However, the smiley guy towering over him either doesn't catch on to Bakugou's inner-turmoil-slash-fragile-superiority-complex-and-ego-issues or doesn't care, because all he does next is stick out his hand in an offering of a handshake. "Name's Togata Mirio, by the way."

Katsuki glares at the offending hand, his _own_ hands still stuffed deep in his pockets. And like that, a few seconds tick by as Katsuki weighs the pros and cons of shaking the guy's hand.

On one hand — pun not intended, because he's not exactly bright enough or, more importantly, _annoying_ enough to purposely come up with puns — it would be polite. After all, based on the guy's manner of speech as well as the way he carries himself, Katsuki presumes the guy's an upperclassman. And you know, he'd have to be a _jerk_ to leave his _senpai_ hanging like that.

On the _other_ hand, Katsuki's fucking insulted, and it would only be _fair_ to insult his senpai ba—

"Ahem." Aizawa, who's been beside them the whole time watching over this mess of an interaction, clears his throat.

Not because he needs to.

But because he's run out of patience.

Glowering at Katsuki as if to tell him to stop being a mega-fuckoid-dipshit, Aizawa subtly but sharply jerks his head toward Togata's hand. And based on that, Katsuki can only guess that Aizawa is trying to say, "Suck it the _fuck_ up and shake his hand, or I'm _expelling_ you."

Well, he's never heard Aizawa swear before, so he's paraphrasing the guy's internal monologue a bit; but he _supposes_ that's the gist of it.

Feeling his pride beginning to crumble apart, Katsuki reluctantly grabs ahold of Togata's hand like he's just caught the dude coming clean outta the restroom without having washed his hands. He shakes it once up, once down, and once it's back in its neutral position, Katsuki rips his hand away and stuffs it straight back into his pocket where it rightfully belongs.

Unperturbed by Katsuki's behavior, however, Togata just continues to smile at his unruly little shit of an underclassman. "Nice to meet you!"

Katsuki frowns. Turning to look at Aizawa now, Katsuki asks, "So what's _he_ gotta do with my suspension?"

Aizawa shuts his eyes for a bit, already seeming to have gone over his limit for dealing with Bakugou today. He sighs. "Not you." Lazily opening his eyes again, he points in the direction of Togata's right leg. "Her."

...The fuck? Togata assigns genders to his legs? Unless his quirk is that all his limbs are separately sapient, he doesn't see much reason for the guy to do something like th—

Oh shit. There's a little girl growing out of his leg.

 _Huh._

The guy should really get that checked out at the doctor's.

"Come on." Togata softens his voice, his eyes momentarily glimmering with a kind sheen as he looks down at the abnormal growth in his leg. "Why don't you introduce yourself?"

The little girl nervously looks back up at Togata, her deep red eyes rivaling Bakugou's in saturation. But when he gives her an encouraging nod, her grasp on his leg loosens a bit. And then she takes a step toward the side, removing herself from Togata's body — oh _shit,_ she's _not_ some kind of tumor? — and shyly bows her head in greeting. "I...am Eri," she quietly says.

Katsuki stares at the girl.

She tries to stare back, but after a while, she seems too overwhelmed by the weight of his piercing gaze and averts her line of sight from him.

Katsuki tentatively parts his lips, trying to figure out what to say. Except, in _all_ his imagined simulations of what could _possibly_ be his 'special punishment', _none_ of the seven-hundred-thirty-six imagined scenarios he came up with had to do with dealing with _kids._

Should he at least begin with a hello? A friendly how-do-ya-do? Or just...shake _her_ hand too?

He closes his mouth again from its previously open state, and then immediately parts his lips wide open again like he's a fish out of water.

Well, he's gotta say _something,_ right?

"H—"

 **You must have at least Empathy Level 18 in order to interact with this character. You are currently at Empathy Level 5.**

Oh.

Well, guess there's nothing more he can do. The voice in his _head_ says so, and his _head_ is _always_ right. So, guess it's time to go and find a _new_ punishment. Great! Have fun on your lonesomes, Eri and Togat—

"Since it seems the regular method of suspension hasn't been working for you, for your suspension this time, you'll be babysitting Eri for the day," Aizawa declares, arms crossed.

 **[Special Event Unlocked. You have gained temporary access to interacting with Eri.]**

Ah, _shit_.

* * *

"Eri," Katsuki repeats for the umpteenth time. "You can come over here. I won't hurt you."

In response, the little girl only shakes her head. Her gaze steadfastly fixated on the ground, her lips begin to tremble a bit. "A-Aizawa-sensei told me not to talk to strangers." Nervously, she looks up at him with her wide eyes. "Especially strangers named Mineta."

"He's right," Katsuki replies, without skipping a beat.

Actually, he doesn't know what a _Mineta_ is, but something about that name just _screams_ it can't be trusted.

"But look," Katsuki says, pointing a finger at himself and forcing a shitty attempt at a smile on his face, "I'm not a stranger, see? My name's Bakugou Katsuki."

He's met with a blank stare from her. "...Nice to meet you, Bakugou-san." A solemn expression still wraps itself around her features, but she finally takes a step toward him.

Sighing, Katsuki holds out a hand for her the same way he would offer it to a puppy. She looks up at him for a moment, but for once, she doesn't hesitate to take him up on his offer, calmly slipping her hand into his.

"So," Katsuki says, taking care not to let go of Eri's hand as they walk down the hallway. "I get why I'm here with Eri, but" —Katsuki glares at the other boy— "why am I here with _you?_ "

"Great question!" Togata chuckles. "I'm here to supervise, of course!"

Katsuki clicks his tongue, but otherwise, says nothing else.

See, while he would _normally_ be offended by the thought that people don't trust his greatness enough to require him to be _supervised,_ Katsuki _himself_ doesn't trust him enough to not require supervision while dealing with a kid.

Seriously, how _does_ one take care of kids?

There might be some who'd argue he _does_ already know how to deal with kids because of his whole second hero license thingamabobble debacle, but here's the _thing —_ he had other people _with_ him to help that time. But _this_ time, he has with him: _himself,_ a rando kid, and some fucking _guy_ who thinks Katsuki's number _two._

Katsuki needs all the help he can get, as much as it hurts his pride to have to say that.

"So!" Togata says, clapping his hands together and facing Katsuki for the express purpose of making uncomfortably direct eye contact with the guy. "What's the plan for today?"

Katsuki shoots Togata a quizzical look. But briefly. He doesn't want to confirm Togata's suspicions of him being number two by showing _any_ sign of weakness.

Though, Katsuki must admit, he doesn't _have_ a plan.

 _How_ do you take care of children again? Last time it only worked because he made a rinky dinky slide with the others.

Well, if he were to be completely honest, it was actually just Todoroki who made the slide and Katsuki just _happened_ to be there to take some of the credit.

Anyway the point is, Katsuki has no idea how to take care of kids. So if someone like _Togata_ were to ask what his plan for babysitting _Eri_ would be, Katsuki would respond with, "Dunno."

Except Katsuki _won't_ say that. Because he's too _stubborn_ to.

And _also_ he thinks he's got the _perfect_ solution to deal with this mess.

Listen, listen, listen. Here's the plan. _Sure,_ he's never _babysat_ before, but you know what he _has_ done before?

 _Dogsat._

And _babysitting_ can't be _too_ different from _dogsitting,_ right?

"We're taking her on a walk," Katsuki announces.

* * *

It's not even five minutes into his walk and he's already realized there are quite a _few_ differences between dogsitting and babysitting.

For one, you don't need to leash a child when taking them out for walks.

Katsuki only knows this because, when he somehow managed to grab hold of a rope on the way out the doors of the Yuuei main building, Togata had caught him red-handed in the middle of his suspicious act and had stared Katsuki down until he dropped the rope.

Now, for _two,_ you don't _have_ to bring a plastic bag out with you when taking a child for a walk.

Unlike the other one, Katsuki doesn't _actually_ know this, but he's going to go out on a limb here and just _assume_ that Eri's been classically potty trained like a _normal_ child and just... _not_ bring a plastic bag with him.

"Where are we going?" Eri asks, her small hand enclosed in his.

Fuck if he knows.

Oh wait.

He suggested this walk.

Therefore, he's... _supposed_ to know where they're going.

Well shit.

He takes a moment to deliberate on what he's gonna say. "We're going," is the very high IQ answer he finally bestows upon her.

After hearing that incredibly blatant non-answer, Eri rather expectantly falls silent. She frantically shoots a few glances at Togata, silently asking him if what Katsuki gave was a _normal_ answer.

"But... _where?"_ Eri finally asks, her voice quiet as a rabbit's.

Damn, he was really hoping that would work. Now what?

Quick, Katsuki, _think._ Where do you take dogs on a walk?

"We're going to the park."

 _Ha._ Good one, Katsuki. You're such a fucking genius, hot damn. Especially since the park is only a hot second away from where they are right _now,_ and the sooner he gets there, the sooner he can just sit down in the comfortable shade and just let her play around on the swings or some shit.

"Oh!" The corners of Eri's lips lift into the beginnings of a smile. "I've never been to a park before! Is it as fun as the books say they are?"

Katsuki looks down at the kid, one eyebrow subconsciously quirked in confusion. What kind of childhood did this girl have, to never have been to a park at her age? But as curious as he is, he's already learned enough social cues by now to know _not_ to ask that kind of question to her — _especially_ in public.

He looks to Togata on the other side of Eri, searching for his answer there. But Togata — his lips taut in a thin line — merely shakes his head.

So a few more minutes pass by like that as they all walk together in silence. At a certain point, Eri's pace begins to slow down ever so slightly, already exhausted from having to practically leap each time to keep up with Katsuki's long strides. And because Katsuki would like to believe he _doesn't_ have a heart like a black hole, he shortens his strides until he and Eri reach a comfortable middleground.

This isn't like walking Coco at all.

Usually, he has to chase after her even _when_ she's on a leash.

Damn, he misses that dog.

"Look, Eri, we're at the park!" Togata suddenly shouts, pointing at a large expanse of greenery, flowers, and asphalt pathways just a few meters away, and pulling Katsuki from his reverie.

Katsuki must've been so absorbed in missing Coco that he somehow missed the part where they got there.

But, you know, at least they're _there_ now.

"We're here," Katsuki gruffly echoes. Just as he says that, though, he feels something tugging on his hand. Again. And again. He looks down, just to find Eri practically bouncing out of this dimension in excitement.

"Can I go play on the slide?" Her voice is positively squeaking from her anticipation of finally checking something off her bucket list. "Where are the swings? A-And the animal springers?"

Togata bends down, unable to help himself from giving Eri a pat on the head. Or two. Or three. Eri winces as he messes with her hair to the point where the static buildup causes her hair to resemble Togata's in style.

"Bet ya can't find the playground before me!" Togata grins at the girl.

And then promptly dashes off.

Leaving Katsuki dumbfounded. Which he realizes is a feeling he's been experiencing more and more often since that fateful day of rejection at the hands of Uraraka.

But did Togata just _seriously,_ in _full earnest,_ challenge a whole entire _child_ to a scavenger hunt with the intent to win it himself?

While Katsuki's surprised, though, it's not like he doesn't approve of it.

After all, it's not like Katsuki _himself_ isn't above picking a fight with a toddler and rubbing their loss in their face either.

Eri, upon being lambasted with this level of disrespect, pouts for a brief second before screeching after Togata that he's being unfair.

She sprints after the boy, chasing after him towards the direction of the playground.

And Katsuki, as the only _mature_ one in the group — or, at least, he would _like_ to think of himself in that way — ambles after them, uncharacteristically basking in the gentle breeze of nature around him.

Because the slower it takes for him to get to them, the less time he'll have to spend taking care of a child.

A few minutes later, Katsuki arrives at the playground, only to witness a semi-gloating Togata laughing at a semi-fuming Eri. But based on the only semi-apologetic look on his upperclassman's face, he realizes Togata hadn't challenged Eri to the race because he sincerely wanted to beat her in a competition, but because he wanted Eri to be able to play sooner.

Togata bows at a sharp ninety-degree angle to Eri as atonement for having won against her. As he straightens his posture back up, though, a sneaky smile snakes its way across Togata's face.

Suddenly, Togata reaches out towards Eri's waist and Katsuki braces himself for the uncontrollable peals of laughter she'll emit once Togata begins tickling her or something.

But contrary to Katsuki's expectations, Togata, instead, in one fluid motion hoists Eri off the ground and neatly onto his shoulders.

"Stretch your arms out," Togata instructs the young girl.

Eri's eyebrows furrow. Hesitantly, she raises one hand up in the air. But then she totters. Her body sways a bit side to side, and she waves that one arm furiously to regain her balance, as the other hand tightens its grip on the Togata's head. When she finally regains her center of gravity, she latches her small arms around Togata's neck in what — at a glance — looks to be a chokehold.

"Come on, Eri!" Togata somehow manages to say without issue, as if his vocal chords are somehow able to ignore the fact that his face is beginning to turn blue. "Don't worry! I'm holding onto your feet, so you won't fall."

The only response Eri gives is to plop her chin down on Togata's head, hanging onto him for dear life.

If Katsuki didn't know any better, he'd describe this situation to look somewhat like a mother koala taking care of her baby koala.

Except the baby koala is trying to asphyxiate its mother.

"Look at Bakugou!" Togata says. "Do what he's doing!" And then he turns to face Katsuki with a blank smile on his ever purpling face. As if to say, "Either do it or call the ambulance for me. Your choice."

Well, Katsuki doesn't entirely understand the reasoning as to _why,_ but Aizawa confiscated his phone as part of the suspension. So really, his _only_ choice is to go along with Togata's antics.

He sighs.

Very slowly, very reluctantly, Katsuki claps his feet together and straightens both his posture and his arms, which he stretches out to the side.

All in order to embarrass his person by T-posing in the middle of a bigass park.

It takes a moment of staring from Eri to register what exactly it is she's supposed to replicate. Excruciatingly slowly — the longer she takes after all, the longer he has to maintain his pose, and he's _pretty_ sure the passersby are all giving him weird looks — she lifts her arms up and out, her full body shaking for fear of falling.

But Togata, finally getting to take in a deep breath of fresh air, tightens his grip on her ankles to hold her steady. A deep rumbling begins slowly in his chest, before erupting from his lips with the fervency of fireworks. "Ready for takeoff, Eri?" he asks.

Before she even has time to answer, his legs begin pedaling on the ground. One moment later, he's dashing around the playground, zigzagging and weaving his way around all the equipment.

The frown on Eri's face promptly turns itself upside down.

"Waaaaah!" Eri squeals in delight. "It's like I'm flying!"

And Katsuki, realizing he's still holding his stupidass pose, slouches over in embarrassment and stuffs his hands in his pockets. He frowns a bit.

Wait, wasn't _he_ the one who was supposed to be doing the babysitting here?

"Prepare for landing!" Togata yells out, his breaths very slightly ragged. Gradually, his running slows to a stop. "Did you have fun?" he asks, angling his head to look at Eri.

A wide smile finds its home on Eri's face. Bouncing on Togata's shoulders, she demands, "Again! Again!"

A short breath passes through Togata's nostrils in one of those acquiescing laughs. "Maybe later, Eri." As he lifts Eri off his shoulders and back onto the ground, Togata just so happens to make eye contact with Katsuki again.

And it's like an exclamation point forms above his head, accompanied by a _ding._

It seems Togata _also_ just remembered it was _Katsuki_ who was supposed to be babysitting here.

With another pat on Eri's head, he tells her, "Why don't you go play with Bakugou now?"

Katsuki frowns. After watching Togata and Eri mess around like that, he just feels like he's intruding on them at this point. "I'm good," he says, looking away. There's a tinge of jealousy in his voice.

Togata stretches his limbs, trying to chase away the fatigue from running around with a small child. "Well, I gotta go use the restroom." He walks towards Katsuki and gives the younger boy a pat on the back. One that says he'll be "in the restroom" for at least a solid ten minutes.

What a smooth way to hand off the responsibility of child rearing.

But Eri's already tottered towards him, digging around in her messenger bag. From the depths of the bag, she pulls out two hero figurines, one of All Might and the other of Sir Nighteye.

"Bakugou-san" —she's not even trying to do it, but her upturned, gleaming eyes are the most persuasive set of puppydog eyes he's ever seen— "will you play Heroman with me?" She offers him one of the figurines.

Katsuki scowls, swatting it away. "You can play by yourself."

"Oh." Eri looks down at her two figurines. Her grip on them tightens momentarily, and she takes in a deep breath. The mist of loneliness permeates through her once shining irises. "But Lemillion-san always plays with me…"

Lemillion?

Katsuki ponders the name for a moment, and ponders how wary Eri is of others. His big fat brain tells him there's an approximate eighty-two-percent chance that Lemillion is what Eri calls Togata.

"I'm not him." Katsuki huffs, turning away from Eri.

If she cries, it's not his problem. It _especially_ won't be his problem if he doesn't see it.

"Please, Bakugou-san." Eri toddles up to him and tugs on his pant leg. "Will you please play with me?"

"You can play by yourself," Katsuki repeats, only barely unfazed by her pouting.

"But…" Eri's voice diminuendos into a low whimper behind him. "Playing by myself is so lonely. Lemillion-san was the first person to ever play with me."

He grimaces.

The more hints Eri gives about her childhood, the more confused he gets. Isn't she six? Seven? How'd she live all these years up until now not having played with others?

But lonely, huh?

As a kid, Katsuki likes to think he had a few friends. And one spiky green-haired stalker.

But he remembers his childhood. He remembers running around the block with the other kids. Catching bugs with them by the river, and breaking out their flimsy rulers to see who caught the biggest beetle. Playing soccer with the other kids, and breaking all the rules of normal soccer as soon as their quirks began manifesting. Just being a little shit along with other little shits.

He supposes his childhood would be pretty boring — and objectively awful — if he hadn't had anyone else to spend it with.

"Fine," he concedes, the skin above his nose still wrinkled in irritation. He squats down to face Eri again, and points at her figurines. "Which hero do I get to be?"

Eri's face immediately lights up in joy. "Here! You can take All Might." She shoves a figurine into his hand. "I wanna be Sir Nighteye!"

Only now does Katsuki finally break out into his patented Bakugou-Katsuki-hell-raiser-smile.

 _Heck yeah,_ he got the best option. Best boy All Might.

"How are we gonna play Heroman with just two heroes though?" Katsuki asks. "Don't we need a villain for them to defeat?"

Her mouth drops open in a small "o", as she contemplates his words. "You're right!" she eventually says, her hands diving back into her messenger bag again to rummage around for something else to play with. After a few seconds of this, she pulls out a small stuffed bear. It looks like one of those cheap toys you can get for free with a kid's meal at any second-rate restaurant.

"Mr. Bear is the villain!" she declares, plunking the bear on the ground. She arranges Sir Nighteye across from it, before looking at Katsuki and urging him on with a, "You too! You too!"

Katsuki's original smile devolves into a shy and wry one. Kneeling down now, he gingerly places her figurine of All Might on the ground next to Sir Nighteye. "So what's Mr. Bear's quirk?"

Eri hums for a moment, in deep thought. But when she finally arrives at an answer, she snaps her fingers, her eyes sparkling with newfound knowledge. "Laser eyes!"

Well, the obvious answer would've been to just give Mr. Bear all the abilities of a bear, but Eri's right. Laser eyes are cooler.

"Okay, so is Mr. Bear rampaging a city? Or in charge of a big crime ring? What are we gonna punish him for?" Katsuki bares his teeth in excitement.

Fuck, he forgot how fun it was to just be a kid again.

"He...uh…" Eri trails off, clearly struggling to come up with a good enough crime for Mr. Evil to have committed. "He...didn't pay for his groceries!"

Katsuki blinks.

Well, he supposes people have been tossed into jail for less.

"So, Eri, how are we gonna defeat the villain?" he asks, barely able to keep his enthusiasm at bay enough to not jump out of his seat in excitement.

Eri giggles up at him. "Okay! I go first." She plops herself down on the grass, paying no heed to the concept of staining her clothing. "So Mr. Bear is running away with his stolen groceries." She grabs the bear in one fist and begins a walking motion with it. "But-!" In her other hand, she grabs hold of Sir Nighteye. "Mr. Bear accidentally bumps into Sir on his way out the store," —the two toys collide against each other in her hands— "and Sir finds out that Mr. Bear is going to rob another grocery store after this!"

She turns towards Katsuki in anticipation of his addition to her story.

"So" —Katsuki thinks for a bit on how he can bring All Might into this— "All Might just got back from throwing an entire crime ring into jail." He moves his figurine into the center of the action, placing him between Sir and Mr. Bear. "But just as he's going home to relax from a rough day at work, he runs into Sir. He asks Sir what's going on."

"Sir says, 'We gotta catch this villain!'" Eri's eyebrows fold down on themselves in mock anger. "He says, 'Mr. Bear just stole from the grocery store!'"

"Well we gotta catch him!" Every word from "All Might" is emphasized by Katsuki bouncing the figurine up and down. "All Might rushes at Mr. Bear." His fist clenched around the figurine, Katsuki rushes it towards Mr. Bear until his fist violently makes contact with the doll.

"No wait!" Eri snatches the doll away up and away. Guess it's not yet time to defeat the villain. "Just before All Might reaches Mr. Bear, Mr. Bear shoots his laser eyes at All Might!"

"Ouch!" Katsuki suddenly exclaims. "You've hit my leg, Mr. Bear!"

"All Might is hurt now, oh no!" The Sir Nighteye figurine trembles with anger. "It's now Sir to the rescue!" Momentarily letting go of the figurine, she scoops up a pile of dirt in her right hand.

And then she lobs it all at Mr. Bear.

"Waah! Surprise attack!" she shouts.

Seeing the opportunity, Katsuki exclaims, "Quick, Sir! Mr. Bear is blinded! He can't use his laser eyes anymore!"

"You're right, All Might! Sir jumps into the air and—" She raises Sir high up in the air. Except, in her excitement, the propulsion of force upwards mixed with the sweatiness of her palms from vigorous playing of Heroman causes the figurine to slip out of her hand backwards and at a rate of too many kilometers an hour.

When she lowers her hand again to deliver what should have been the finishing blow, she gasps in shock at an empty fist. She looks all around her, distraught at the loss of her favorite figurine. But when she can't find it just by swiveling her head side to side, she gets off her knees to cover a wider range of area in her search.

And once she's up, it doesn't take her very long to find her figurine.

Or, more precisely, two _pieces_ of her figurine.

Sir Nighteye's fragile plastic neck has snapped in half.

Eri gasps again. But this time, it's followed by several more shaky gasps for breath. Leaning down, she scoops the two pieces into her hands, gently cradling them out of disbelief of what just occurred.

"I broke him…" Her voice breaks. Her unblinking eyes refuse to break their gaze from Sir Nighteye's disembodied head. A single tear crawls down her cheek. "I broke him," she repeats, softer this time.

Katsuki's at a loss for what to do.

He's already bad _enough_ with kids. But now she's _crying._

The voice in his head was right. His empathy levels weren't prepared for this event.

Awkwardly, he reaches out to her, hoping to just give her a pat on the back and be done with it. "It's okay, Eri—"

"I broke him!" Her hands are shaking now.

"Hey, look. Don't worry about i—"

Her eyes finally find his. And he finally notices her eyes for what they are — a reddened sahara of hollowness. Eyes that have rarely known the luster of happiness.

"Why?" Her breaths are desperate; her lungs are pleading for air now. "Why do I always break things?"

A deluge of tears are now freefalling down her face, dribbling from her chin.

And Katsuki has no idea what to do.

"Eri, I—"

"Eri!" another voice shouts in the distance. Before Katsuki knows it, Togata has rushed in to save the day. Picking the girl up in his arms, a scarcely seen seriousness descends upon Togata's features. "Eri what's wrong?" he asks.

In between choked sobs, Eri rubs her puffy eyes and begins relaying the story. How she and Katsuki were playing Heroman. How they were just about to defeat Mr. Bear. How she accidentally broke Sir Nighteye.

Togata takes a glance at the broken figurine clutched in her quaking fist.

And for a moment, it looks like Togata's about to cry _too._

As Eri buries her sobs into her hands, Togata surreptitiously wipes his eyes with the back of his sleeve, clearly anxious about distressing Eri any further. Forcing a smile onto his face, he looks at Eri and says, "Don't worry about it, Eri. I'll go run to the convenience store and buy some glue, and then Sir Nighteye'll be as good as new."

The tears stop flowing, but Eri still doesn't look significantly better. "Really?" she asks.

"Really."

"I'm really sorry for breaking him." A final tear traces a river down her features. "I'm sorry."

Togata gulps. The same way Katsuki does when he's trying to swallow down a vat of sorrow. "It's not your fault, Eri," Togata murmurs, closing his eyes and pressing his forehead against hers in comfort.

And somehow, something about this exchange tells Katsuki that the two aren't just crying about a simple figurine anymore.

"I'm sorry," she whimpers one last time.

Togata gently lowers her down to the ground, his eyes just slightly watery. But in an instant, the heartbreak on his face dissolves to its resting state of cheeriness.

That, or he's just really good at putting on a mask.

"I'm going to run to the store real quick to buy some glue. How's that sound, Eri?" he asks her.

She gives a small nod.

"Can you continue playing with Bakugou in the meantime?"

Another small nod.

From Eri. Not Katsuki.

Because after what just happened, Katsuki's not exactly sure if he's fit to be her playmate anymore. He didn't know how to deal with her crying. He barely even knew how to deal with her at _all_ coming into this.

Her words keep echoing in his head. _Why do I always break things?_

Why does _he?_

One moment, he thinks he's making friends, and the next he's either making people cry or getting them kidnapped or even suspended or probably somewhere down the line, all of the above. And his inability to comfort Eri, his inability to say something — _anything —_ that she needed to hear in that moment, his inability to _help_ others is something that's beginning to burn itself into his consciousness. An inadequacy of his that refuses to stay unknown in the woodworks any longer.

Why couldn't he just _fix_ things for her? The way _Togata_ did?

Something tugs on his pant leg. When he peeks down, he finds a tiny girl vying for his attention again.

"Swings?" Eri asks, turning towards Katsuki with a tentative sparkle in her eyes.

Katsuki looks at Eri. Then Togata. Then Eri again. Then Togata who's now subtly frowning and mouthing at him to just play with Eri already.

"Sure, I'll play the swings with you, I guess." Katsuki doesn't exactly look happy about having to play with her again, but his hand is still out for Eri to latch onto.

Because even if he doesn't know how to, he still wants to be there for her.

* * *

Now, Katsuki doesn't have a phone on him at the moment, and he doesn't have a _watch_ either. So truthfully speaking, he's entirely unaware how much time has passed by now.

But based on the movement of his shadow, he's going to guess it's been about an hour.

And what an _exhausting_ hour it's been.

First it was pushing her on the swings. Then it was seesawing it up with her on a flimsy piece of wood. Afterwards it was getting blisters all over his hands when she abruptly decided she wanted to learn how to do a flip on the horizontal bars. And once she gave up on that dream, it had been seventy-three rounds of sliding down the same slide. Seventy. Three. Times.

Kids. Are exhausting.

And Katsuki's decided he doesn't want them anymore.

You know, not unless Uraraka wants them.

Wait, wait, no. _Don't_ bring Uraraka into this, _Katsuki._ That's just creepy to think of having children with her when you're not even d- _dating_ yet.

...But if they _were_ to date or go even further than that, he thinks it might just be better for the two of them to just adopt a dog instead.

Unless, of course, she _does_ want children. Don't get him wrong — he's not exactly _opposed_ to the idea. Just, _right now,_ as a teenage boy who's only dealing with small children for the second time in his life, he's _definitely_ opposed to the idea.

"Coco! Wait up!"

Ah shit, he's been zoning out so hard he's now hallucinating Uraraka calling out Coco's name.

"Coco! Seriously, get back here!"

How pathetic of him, really.

"Oh wait. Is that—! No Coco, don't run into—!"

Something suddenly barrels itself into his legs, causing his knees to collapse in on themselves like a foldable chair.

And then that something woofs.

Shit, was he actually _not_ daydreaming?

Wait, but then that would mean that…

Katsuki turns around slowly, only to find a dog barely being held back by a girl sporting a suspicious shade of red on her face.

"H-hey, Bakugou!" The girl gives a few awkward laughs. "What brings you here? To...the park?"

Katsuki frowns at the girl, looking away.

Not out of... _embarassment_ though. No, he's too proud for that.

He's just. Annoyed.

"Suspension," he mutters beneath his breath.

Uraraka furrows her eyebrows. She leans in a bit closer. "Sorry, I didn't quite catch that. Could you repeat it?"

"Suspension," Katsuki repeats, only a little louder this time. His hyper awareness of her proximity makes him move his body even _harder_ away from her.

Uraraka, apparently still not having heard him, forces herself into his direct line of sight and leans in a bit closer, until he can clearly see the pores on her poreless skin. "Can you say that again, just one more time?"

Katsuki growls, _actually_ annoyed now. Both by her being so close to him as if to tease him and her just being selectively deaf. "Suspension!" he practically shouts out, pointing at an Eri clutching a stick in her hands, who's been patiently waiting for him to take his turn and draw an "X" in the ground as part of their game of tic-tac-toe.

"Oh, Eri!" Uraraka exclaims. "I didn't notice you at all, I'm so sorry!" She kneels down on the ground, taking Eri's hands in hers. "How are you? It's been a while, hasn't it?"

Upon seeing Uraraka, a spark of recognition flashes through Eri's eyes. "Yes! It's been a while."

Then the two of them ease into conversation, and Katsuki can't help but gaze longingly in their direction.

The few days he's been forced to stay away from her have been unbearable. And now she's _here_ in his direct proximity, and there's no one here to prevent him from hanging around her.

Man, he's _really_ fucking missed Coco.

And Eri hasn't sneezed yet or broken out into hives, so Katsuki's just gonna assume here that she's not allergic to dogs. Well, that's the major thing off the checklist. So the next thing is to figure out a good excuse for him to be both babysitting _and_ playing with Coco.

Well, if he goes back to the four things he knows about dogsitting, well, let's see.

Walk the dog.

Play with the dog.

Feed the dog.

Socialize the dog with other dogs.

 _Of course._

He should just " _socialize"_ Eri with the dog. In the guise of teaching her...stranger skills? Or something?

You know what? He doesn't give a shit.

Look, it's not like it's physically possible for there to be negative social repercussions for interacting with _dogs,_ so he's just gonna make her do it anyway.

"Eri, do you wanna play with Coco?" Katsuki asks.

The young girl abruptly breaks off her conversation with Uraraka to fixate a confused gaze onto him. "Coco?" she asks.

Oh. Of course she has no idea who Coco is.

What a shame.

Pointing at the dog, he simply restates, "Coco."

As if on cue, the dog nudges her head into Eri's side. Eri yelps in surprise, jumping back.

Ah. Eri's more like him than he previously thought. Because this is _exactly_ how he reacted to Coco the first time, _too._

"Look, there's nothing to be afraid of," Katsuki says, kneeling down to pull a Togata and make uncomfortably direct eye contact with Eri. "See?" he says, holding a hand out for Coco.

Without a hitch, Coco takes a sniff of his hand. And then licks his fingers. And then nuzzles her head into his hand.

 _Yes,_ Katsuki can't help but think, his eyes subconsciously closing in his immeasurable happiness.

He's _really_ fucking missed Coco.

In front of him, Eri looks on with a mixture of apprehension and envy.

And because he's _observant_ now and can _tell_ what people are thinking, like, a solid _twelve_ percent of the time, Katsuki can't refrain himself from wanting to share the joy of petting a dog. "It's okay," he tells her, as gently as he's physically able to. "She won't bite, I promise."

Mouth trembling, she looks at him for approval. Then Eri's fist slowly loosens into an open palm, and, timidly, she reaches her hand out towards Coco's head.

Coco, curious at this new human, extends her neck and gently headbutts herself into Eri's tiny hand.

Eri's clearly taken aback — her eyes widen in surprise.

But she doesn't recoil.

Rather, she's now more curious than ever. Taking in a deep breath for courage sake, Eri begins to run her hands across the landscape of Coco's beautiful brown fur.

A burst of giggles tumble from her lips the way soda pops from carbonation. Simultaneously, both Eri and Coco shout in delight. And Katsuki, unwilling to be left out, joins in on the fun of petting his precious dog.

And soon, all four of them — including the dog — are a cacophonous bunch of laughing losers.

No.

 _Winners._

Because they have a dog.

And before he knows it, tens of minutes have passed by and Eri's now playing fetch with Coco, the abnormally-fast-at-catching-sticks dog. Both tuckered out from playing with Coco so much up until now, Katsuki and Uraraka watch on from the side.

Kind of like two parents lovingly watching over their kid.

Except they're not the parents.

And Eri's not their kid.

And Coco's arguably not even their dog.

" _So"_ —Hands held together behind her back, Uraraka leans in towards him, smile on her face— "you really like that dog, huh?"

Katsuki blushes.

He can only take so much of Uraraka being _this_ close to him in one day.

And his heart already beat over its limit like, twenty minutes ago.

Shyly averting his gaze, he asks, "What of it?"

"Oh, I just think it's cute, is all!" Uraraka giggles.

Katsuki's eyes widen, and his face swerves back to face Uraraka again.

Did she just call him… _cute?_

"I mean," she says, totally unfazed, "who knew you would like dogs so much?"

Katsuki's fingers are fidgeting out of agitation. And a little bit of impatience. It's taking up all of his tiny pint of self control right now to _not_ blow something up out of excitement.

 _She called me cute, right? Did I hear her correctly?_

"You know, back at that Battle of the Bands we had some time ago, for some reason I thought you were singing about me. What with all that happened...you know...that one time." She nonchalantly shrugs off his confession as something that "just happened" this "one time". And then she smiles at him innocently. "But I get that it was a misunderstanding now. You _really_ like that dog, huh?"

Katsuki's blinks, taken aback.

Because he's just been shot.

The _fuck._

Down.

It seems Uraraka's misunderstood her "misunderstanding". And now he's back to square-the-fuck-one.

Well, if there's any consolation to be had here, at least she won't avoid him anymore going forth.

But she's also adopted the popular consensus now along with the rest of school.

And thinks he's a _furry._

Where does he go from here? He has no fucking clue. His crush is now over, probably.

But at least he got her to tell him he's _cute._ So at least he's gotten _something_ out of all of this.

"Eri!" another voice shouts in the distance. Again. The faint outline of Togata approaches closer and closer from the horizon. With a quick wave hello at the rest of them, Togata makes a very unsubtle beeline towards Eri, leaning down to hand her a full Sir Nighteye figurine. The only hint that it's ever been broken before is just the faintest droplet of glue on the left side of its neck. "I fixed him for you!" He waves the figurine in the air, showing off his magical fix-it skills. "See? All better!"

Eri's looks at him, her jaw dropped in amazement. Eyes sparkling with mirth, she flashes him a full-tooth smile. "Thank you, Lemillion-san!"

Togata smiles back at her. Cranking his back back up into a straight line, Togata raises a hand towards his eyes to shield them from the setting sun. "It's getting late now, isn't it?"

"Oh!" Eri exclaims, seemingly having just noticed the orange-pink hue now present in the sky. "It _is_ getting late!"

And then naturally, as if by brotherly instinct, Togata offers the girl a hand, which she immediately takes in hers without question. "Should we head back, then?" he asks her.

The girl tilts her face upwards towards Togata, nodding in agreement with his idea. And together, the two of them begin the trek back towards the school.

Until Eri suddenly stops in place. And turns around. "Play with me again!" Eri says to Katsuki. Or demands. But she's honestly adorable so he doesn't care whether or not it's an order, because he'll probably do whatever she says anyway. With a final wave goodbye as she and Togata begin to disappear into the distance, she shouts out, "Bye-bye Bakugou-san!"

 **Congratulations! Your Empathy Level grew from Level 5 to Level 6.**

 **Congratulations! Your Empathy Level grew from Level 6 to Level 7.**

 **Congratulations! Your Empathy Level grew from Level 7 to Level 8.**

 **Congratulations! Your Empathy Level grew from Level 8 to Level 9.**

* * *

 **A/N:** Okay, so my plan is to have Momo be the focus of the _next_ next chapter. Except for the _next_ chapter, I don't know who to focus it on. So uh...FEEL FREE TO VOTE AGAIN :DDDDDDDDDD

Restrictions are no Iida and Tsuyu yet though, because he's not level 10 yet. Sorry

Thanks so much for reading!

Here are some of my responses to your comments btw:

 **starangel4379:** I'm pretty sure the kids are restricted to not being allowed to use their quirks outside of school. So yes! :D They were supposed to twiddle their thumbs! But we know that Bakugou doesnt know how to use his thumbs for anything other than exploding things! So! :D

 **Niel Elendar:** I'm so! Happy! And honored! That my fic makes you happy! Thank you!

 **TheSilverHunt3r:** Oooh yes, I definietely wanna have Mina teach him that tornado move at some point too. I also wanna see it in canon not gonna lie.

 **SamMason666:** Thank you! I'm so honored that I can make you laugh ;-;

Anyway, feel free to vote for whoever but Iida, Tsuyu, and Momo for who you want to see next chapter! (I promise either Iida or Tsuyu will appear the chapter after Momo!)


	9. Hands On

**A/N:** Hi guys! I'm so sorry for the long wait; school actually destroyed me the past month with all these projects and group work. I hope this chapter can even barely make up for it! Especially since this chapter is only funnies!

Anyway, last time, I believe I counted Shoji to be the winner of our little poll! So enjoy some Shoji

* * *

"What the hell do you _mean_ my suspension isn't over yet?"

Upon hearing this, Aizawa blinks slowly at him — the question apparently taking a moment to sink in. And then he glares at Katsuki. "It _means_ exactly how it sounds." The guy looks one more blood vessel pop away from using his quirk on Katsuki to subdue him just for the heck of it. "You're still _suspended."_

"But I already _finished_ my suspension." Katsuki glowers, clenching his fists together until his nails begin digging into his palms. As if keeping himself busy with his hands would somehow deter him from clicking his tongue in annoyance. "Didn't I just have to babysit Eri?"

Contrary to popular expectation, however, it's _Aizawa_ to click his tongue first. "You didn't even bother to come back here with her and Togata," Aizawa says, folding his arms together to emphasize his I'm-Your-Authority-Figure-Semicolon-Now-Shut-The-Fuck-Up-And-Just-Listen-To-Me aura of dominance.

Well, you see, Katsuki refuses to be dominated by _anyone._ So instead of averting his gaze like a little _bitch,_ he stares his teacher head-on and simply states, "I thought it was a fitting ending to the day."

"You think not even bothering to check in with me after your suspension activity is a _fitting ending to the day,"_ Aizawa deadpans.

...Well, if he puts it like _that…_

"Okay, _fine."_ Katsuki can _feel_ it. He can _feel_ himself losing in this battle of the alpha males. But Katsuki would much rather get punched in the gut by _Deku_ of all people than have his personality be trumped by some guy with eyebags so thick they'd be barred from the overhead bin of a plane. And so he fires back with a: "But when you told me about my suspension activity yesterday with Eri, you never mentioned a _second_ part to it."

"It's because it's supplemental." Aizawa's annoyance with Katsuki seems to grow ever deeper with each word that parts from his lips.

"Then if it's supplemental, can I _choose_ not to do it?" Katsuki murmurs under his breath.

"I heard that." The teacher glares at him, arms still crossed. "And if you _choose_ not to do it, then you'll face supplemental _expulsion."_

Katuki blinks.

Then his mouth gapes wide open — not even a single noise able to make its way from his constricted lungs.

...Holy _shit,_ he just got pummeled into the fucking ground, but with _words._ He thought he had already experienced verbal brutality via Jirou, but _this_ was just overkill.

However, more importantly than that, he realizes he just got stomped on by Aizawa establishing his dominance.

Aizawa: Infinity.

Katsuki: Zero.

Fucking tragic.

But just as Katsuki's begins weighing the pros and cons of fleeing the facility in efforts to flee the oppression of persecution by suspension, someone knocks on the door of the teacher's lounge.

Aizawa sighs, releasing some of his built up irritation. "Come in," he says.

The door slowly creaks open, revealing a very tall boy with six arms.

Ah.

Katsuki gets it now.

 _This_ is a dream sequence.

He fucked up in babysitting Eri, Aizawa slam dunked him into the Earth's core, and now he's in hell.

Katsuki _gets_ it now.

"Aizawa-sensei, you called me here?" the executioner of his eternal damnation asks Aizawa.

"Yes." The teacher gestures for the tall boy to come over to him.

Wait, now that Katsuki takes a closer look at the guy — you know, past his many appendages — Katsuki notices he's also wearing the Yuuei school uniform.

Well, _shit._ Either hell is sadistic and it's in the form of _school,_ or this is actually real life. And by now, Katsuki's already reached the point where he doesn't actually know which option is worse.

But if this guy is in his class, then who _is_ he again? If Katsuki didn't even recognize the guy's face, then there's no way he could possibly remember his _name._ And it's not like his life is _actually_ an anime with a mid-show card roll detailing the basic facts and nittily-grittily excessive details of all the characters surrounding him or anything. No, that would be far too convenient. Real life and anime life are different — the primary difference being that real life sucks major _ass._

"So what did you call me in for?" Army of Arms asks. Or maybe even better would just be to call him Arm-y.

No. What has Katsuki devolved into? Making _dad_ jokes? He really _is_ the beta bitch here. But damn, he can't come up with good nicknames for _shit_ anymore. Is this what empathy does to you? Makes you _soft?_ And _weak_ to insulting others?

 **Yes.**

Well, fuck you too, voice in head.

 **No, you.**

"Did you hear what I said, Bakugou?" Aizawa asks.

Wait, hear _what?_ He couldn't hear a single thing just now on account of having his head in his ass, and you know, by virtue of your ears being attached to your head, the only thing he could hear while up his own ass was…

...Anyway.

So the question now is _not_ whether or not Katsuki heard what Aizawa had to say. Because of-fucking- _course_ the answer is _not._ No, the question right now is whether or not Katsuki has the _manliness_ to suck up to the folly of his human sins and say he didn't hear shit.

Well, if Katsuki were an _alpha male,_ the answer would clearly be to establish his dominance by pretending he knew what was going on the whole time. But Katsuki's now come to terms with his beta subservience, so he realizes the only choice he has now is to say he has no idea what just happened the last few minutes.

Especially since expulsion is on the line.

"No, I didn't catch that." Katsuki rather characteristically stuffs his hands back into his pockets as a sign of resignation. Resignation of what, you might ask?

Resignation of his knowing-of-things. His brain, essentially.

Aizawa takes a long, slow blink. The type that looks like you're concealing the rolling of your eyes beneath a layer of flesh. "You'll be spending the day with Shoji. You are not to be seen in separate rooms at _all_ for the entirety of the day."

Upon hearing this, Katsuki's jaw immediately drops open. "Wait, _what?_ Why are you bringing _him"_ —he points at the guy, _Shoji—_ "into _my_ suspension?"

"After deliberating with Togata and a few other teachers, we decided the best course of action would be to pair you up with someone whose personality is much more...relaxed than yours." Aizawa takes in a deep breath. Not because it looks like he needs to, but because it looks like he's trying to get his exasperation to subside. He's failing. "...To offset some of the violent tendencies of yours that often get you into suspension in the first place."

"He has to stick onto me like _glue_ all day?" Katsuki asks, incredulous at this ridiculous _new_ suspension activity. "What if I have to go to the _restroom?"_

"Then he can go with you," Aizawa says.

"But what if one of us has to number _two?"_

"Then the other one of you can just stand in the next stall over."

"So you're going to punish me...by punishing _Shoji_ too," Katsuki says. But slowly. Because he has to wrap his head around all these multiple new facts.

In response, Aizawa seems a little...surprised? "I didn't think you'd be worried about Shoji taking part in this as well, but"—Aizawa looks over to the many-armed-boy—"Shoji has already agreed to participate in this."

"But thanks for asking," Shoji adds.

Katsuki's eye twitches. Come _on_ man. Take the bait and just _tell_ Aizawa you're not into it _either._ Now Katsuki just looks like a selfish _jerk_ for very reasonably not wanting to do this. "Is there anything _else_ I could do instead? Trash duty? Recycle duty? Garden duty? Kitchen duty? Plunging up doody duty?"

"Yes," Aizawa says after a moment of deliberation, nodding his head in redundancy. "You can either spend the day with Shoji at your side, or you can get expelled."

...Fucking... _dammit._

* * *

"So," Katsuki says.

"So," Shoji replies.

The two of them walk side by side to class, and Katsuki does his level best not to _move his fucking head_ because he'll be _damned_ if he has to make eye contact with his watcher at all during _any_ time of the day.

"So," Shoji repeats.

"So... _what?"_ Katsuki finally snipes back.

Some light in Shoji's eye flickers for a brief second as he's taken aback by Katsuki's sudden biting tone. And then he collects himself again. Reaching one mouth-tentacle out towards Katsuki, he uses it to say, "Bakugou, I know this suspension seems tough."

Silence.

More silence.

"...And?"

Shoji blinks. "And what?"

"The suspension"—Katsuki squints his eyes in confusion—"seems tough _and…?"_

"No." Shoji blinks. "That was the end of it."

"..."

"Were you expecting me to say more?"

Katsuki huffs in irritation. "Well _usually_ when people say something _seems_ something, they follow up with a phrase indicating the contrary."

"Oh." Shoji mulls over Katsuki's words for a bit. "But all I wanted to say was that the suspension seems tough."

"Okay, _and…?"_

 _"And_ it's...rough-?"

"...Fucking hell, never mind."

Just as he says that, they arrive at the entrance of the classroom. Thank All Might's glorious muscles, they're _here._

Katsuki takes a deep, happy breath. Because this is probably the only time during the day where Shoji won't be entirely attached to his hip. After all, he's relatively sure the guy doesn't sit next to him or anything.

...Yeah on one side is the wall, so Shoji can't sit there.

And on the other side is...Jirou. So yeah, _yeah,_ Shoji _definitely_ won't be sitting next to Katsuki during class. Winner winner chicken mc _fucking_ dinner.

Smug grin on his face, Katsuki — as gracefully as Katsuki can — slides into his seat.

Shoji slips into the seat next to him.

Hey.

Wait a minute.

What-

"-in the fuck?" Katsuki accidentally says out loud.

Shoji blinks, surprised. "Yes?"

"Isn't that"—Katsuki points at the desk, then points at Shoji, then points back at the desk—"isn't that Jirou's seat?"

The other guy looks down at his seat, apparently needing some time for the question to register in his head. "Oh...yes! It is." Shoji smiles. But because his _actual_ mouth is concealed by a ninja-mask-or-some-shit, all he accomplishes is smiling with just his eyes. Which is _terrifying._ (Side note: maybe Katsuki really _is_ in hell.) "You are indeed correct in that this is usually Jirou's seat. However, she's given me special permission to sit here today."

Through his peripheral vision, Katsuki sees the silhouette of Jirou sitting down just one chair in front of where Shoji's sitting now. "You mean...Aizawa made her give up her seat," Katsuki deadpans.

See, if Katsuki knows _anything_ about Jirou — which, he probably knows next to nothing — it's that she 1). likes music 2). has really long ears 3). could probably step up her punk rock image just a bit more if she wasn't too much of a _coward_ to get a mohawk and 4). would be _damned_ to sit up front of her own volition.

"Yes…" Shoji says, just a little quieter, as if just a little ashamed. "Yes, Aizawa-sensei made her give up her seat."

Katsuki huffs in annoyance.

Damn Aizawa for being so thorough.

And speak of the devil — possibly literally, you know, considering there's still a 40% chance he's in hell right now — Aizawa decides to poke his head through the door just as Katsuki decided to damn him.

 _Damn._

Aizawa heads to the podium up front, slowly places his hands on both ends of the furniture piece, and blinks.

His special way of beginning class.

And with that, everyone begins taking their academic materials out of their bags. Pencils, pens, books, notebooks, the _works._ And Katsuki, as the _very good student_ he is, obediently follows along and takes out his pencil and notebook.

Aizawa opens his mouth, beginning today's lecture. The sound of the teacher's voice reaches Katsuki's ears but never travels far enough to reach his brain, as Katsuki simply allows the man's voice to wander and dissipate in empty air. Flipping to page twenty-something-or-so of his notebook, Katsuki flips the pencil upright in his hands and begins jotting down some notes.

Aizawa drones on.

Katsuki's scritch-scratching of graphite on paper permeates the air.

Aizawa pauses.

Katsuki's still writing.

Aizawa speaks up again and continues on for a few minutes, before taking a much longer pause this time.

Katsuki's still furiously writing _something._ And by now, it's clear to everyone that what he's writing probably has _nothing_ to do with class.

"Hey, Bakugou, you seem to be pretty into whatever you're doing, huh?" Jirou suddenly asks, turning her head around to look at him across her shoulder. "What'chu writing there?"

Katsuki's pencil stops moving. He looks up.

Only to see that everyone in class is staring. At _him._

Unblinking. Unmoving. Just. Staring.

 _Fuck._

"I'm just taking some no—"

"Huh? What's this?" Floaty Hands has apparently used her extra stealth ability to rip the notebook off of his desk. If Katsuki could see her face right now, he's almost _positive_ the expression would be something akin to an "OWO" right about now. "You just wrote down Shoji's name over and over in here."

 _Shit._

"Ha! Do you have a _crush_ on him or something?" someone behind Bakugou chirps up. Katsuki turns around to glare at whoever said that. Unfortunately for Katsuki, he has _no idea_ who said that because he doesn't recognize voices. So instead, he opts to just glare at the entire classroom indiscriminately.

"What? No _way."_ Purple Pervert grimaces. "How could _anyone_ go from having a crush on _Uraraka_ to _Shoji?_ That's like, a _major_ downgrade in—"

 _"Hey!_ Shoji's a _great_ guy!" Pikachu yells back, throwing up a thumbs up of encouragement at Shoji — the poor boy who's been dragged into this heck of a day.

"Wait!" Floaty Hands says, excitedly flipping through page after page of Katsuki's notebook.

Ah _shit,_ he was so distracted by his classmates accusing him of crushing on some guy he just met not even an _hour_ ago that Katsuki completely forgot about getting back his notebook.

 _Fuck._

"A lot of names are written in here!" Floaty Hands exclaims, thumbing through the pages. "See? Ashido's name takes up several pages!" She holds up the notebook, showing to the class Katsuki's multiple scribblings of the girl's name.

The students ooh and ahh.

Katsuki, on the other hand, would really appreciate an insta-death quirk right about now.

"There are more names too!" Floaty Hands continues, turning to the first page. "Here's five pages of just Sato. Then three pages of Aoyama—"

"How ~✬✷✳︎ ✧◇✦Splendid✦◇✧ ✳︎✷✬~"

"—And seven pages of Koda. Only one page of Todoroki—huh, _weird._ Six pages of Jirou. Ten pages of Ashido. And then half a page of Shoji— _hey,_ wait!" Floaty Hands suddenly shoves the book in Katsuki's face. "How come _my_ name isn't in here?"

...Katsuki's at a loss for words. Is that... _really_ her biggest takeaway from all this?

Floaty Hands sighs. Taking matters into her own hands — _literally_ — she grabs hold of a pencil and begins writing in the notebook. "Ha-ga-ku- _re."_ She thrusts the notebook back into his face and hands him a pencil. "Here! Now it's _your_ turn to write my name."

Dumbfounded and quite a bit shocked, Katsuki takes the pencil offered to him and is about to obediently begin doing as she says just as—

"Wait!" Glasses Ass shouts. The next thing Katsuki knows, he hears a sudden _boom_ and the class representative has somehow teleported from his seat all the way across the room to right between Katsuki's pencil and the notebook.

Ah.

Is this what the kids call a...cockblocking? Maybe, if we're going to stick to the theme here, more of a _doc-_ blocking, perhaps.

Hahahahaha, if he keeps these shit puns up, maybe Katsuki really _will_ acquire an insta-death quirk. From secondhand embarrassment.

Of himself.

"Hagakure-san!" Glasses Ass shouts. The guy, much like Katsuki, seems to lack volume control. "Don't let him write your name in the notebook!"

"Huh?" Hagakure asks, naive innocence spilling from her imperceptible lips. "Why not?"

"Wait!" someone shouts, banging their hands on their desk.

"Oh no," someone else murmurs, apparently coming to the same conclusion as both Glasses Ass and the other person. "Is that notebook...is it perhaps a-"

"Ha! You fucking loser!"

When Katsuki finally turns his head around to scowl at whoever just called him a _fucking loser,_ he finds himself looking at...that guy. The one who looks pretty plain. Uh...Soy Sauce Face. Him. Yeah.

Soy Sauce Face points at Katsuki. "Death Notes aren't _real,_ you otaku!"

...What?

"A D-D- _Death Note?"_ Hagakure screeches, suddenly letting go of the notebook as if it contained remnants of the bubonic plague. It disgracefully plops to the ground with a _thud_.

"But," the other class representative says, "what if there _were_ people with quirks that allowed anything they write down to come into existence?"

"That sounds more like magic than a quirk," Deku pipes up.

"Also, Bakugou wouldn't _have_ that quirk _anyway,"_ Purple Pervert chooses to chime in with a statement of the obvious.

Just then, something in Katsuki's head explodes.

Hopefully it was just a vein.

But more likely, it was his sanity.

"You _dumbasses!_ It's not a _fucking_ Dea-"

"Bakugou _Katsuki,"_ Aizawa asserts with his alpha aura. Arms folded, the teacher glares at Katsuki, apparently irritated that the class has grown this catastrophic merely twenty minutes after it started. "Would you care to explain what _this"_ —he nods in the direction of the notebook—"is to the class?"

Katsuki looks at Aizawa.

He looks around the class.

He looks back at Aizawa.

"...It's a Death Note," Katsuki meekly replies.

"..."

"Holy shit."

"Is he _serious?"_

"HAHAHAHA WHAT A FUCKING _NERD."_

 _"Bakugou Katsuki,"_ Aizawa repeats. "Do you want to be _expelled?"_

Ah shit.

He doesn't.

Fuck.

Aizawa narrows his eyes at Katsuki. "Would you care to explain what this is _again?"_

Katsuki looks at Aizawa.

He looks around the class.

He looks back at Aizawa.

He looks back around the class.

He takes one final look back at Aizawa.

"It's just a notebook," Katsuki says.

His teacher's unamused. "So if it's _just_ a notebook, do you have any actual _notes_ in there or does it just contain a list of your classmate's names?"

Katsuki will be _damned_ to open his mouth and actually respond to this question. So instead he just listlessly gazes at Aizawa.

"Bakugou _Katsu—"_

"Okay, okay, _fine."_ Katsuki frowns. "This notebook is to help me remember people's names."

"..."

"Holy shit."

"Is he _serious?"_

"HAHAHAHA WHAT A FUCKING _NERD."_

Where's the self-destruct button on a quirk when you need it?

* * *

"What the fuck is _this?"_ Katsuki asks.

The shouting of other kids surrounds him. The harsh rays of the sun beat down on him in the unforgiving afternoon climate. "Ah, _finally._ Some outdoor training!" someone giddily exclaims.

But Katsuki doesn't care about that. Katsuki doesn't care about any of that.

No, what he cares about is why he's literally _handcuffed_ to _Shoji._

"Preemptive measures," Aizawa simply replies.

Katsuki scowls. "Preemptive measures against _what?"_

"Preemptive measures against…" Aizawa trails off, eying Katsuki up and down. It seems the rest of his sentence is supposed to be implied.

"I already don't understand you being okay with sticking this close to me all day but"—Katsuki turns to look at Shoji—"you can't _seriously_ be okay with being handcuffed to me."

Shoji timidly peeks at Aizawa, before looking back at Katsuki. "Well, I don't understand why Aizawa-sensei would only choose to handcuff us now."

"Yeah. _See,_ sensei? _Neither_ of us want to—"

"I mean, why didn't he do this while we were in _class_ too?"

...Shoji is truly the most useless co-defendant in _possibly_ this _entire_ universe.

Aizawa sighs. "Just deal with it, you two." And then he stalks off to pay attention to the other students scattered around the training grounds.

The corners of Katsuki's lips pull so far down he's almost certain he's going to acquire premature wrinkles on his face at the ripe age of far too young.

"Well, luckily for us, today we're doing a team-building exercise." Shoji holds up their chained-up hands. "So it shouldn't be too difficult, right?"

Katsuki's eyebrows droop so far down in confusion and exasperation he can _actually_ feel them weighing down on his eyes. "The goal of today is to plan a covert operation in case of a hostage situation. How are we gonna do _that_ with _this?"_ He pointedly jabs a finger at the handcuffs.

"Through teamwork," Shoji matter-of-factly says.

Well fuck _teamwork._ Katsuki's never been one to do _things_ with _people._

Except for dating. He'd very gladly have a partner.

Oh. And he supposes that time where he did a group project with Todoroki and Kirishima counts as teamwork too.

And also that time where he helped Ashido and Jirou beat up those villains.

...But that's what landed him here in these handcuffs in the first place, so that doesn't count.

Anyway, point is, Katsuki's not one for being part of a _team._ At least, _willingly._ Usually.

"Hey Shoji," Katsuki blurts out, turning to look at the guy. "Can you regrow your arms?"

Shoji's head tilts a little to the right. "Yes." He squints his eyes, confused. "That's my quirk."

"Cool." Katsuki nods his head in thought. "So how painful would it be if, say, one of your limbs got burned?"

"What do you m—"

 _BOOM._

"See ya!" Katsuki shouts out — already booking it way into the distance — one end of a broken handcuff jangling on his wrist as the hand it's attached to fizzles with the dying embers of his quirk.

* * *

"BAKUGOU KATSUKI."

This is the first time Katsuki's ever heard Aizawa raise his voice, which can only mean one thing.

He's gonna fucking die. Right here. Right now.

"Did you _seriously_ blow up one of Shoji's _arms?"_ the teacher continues.

They're back in the teacher's lounge now, after Katsuki's grand escape was intercepted by the principal and miscellaneous other staff, including one intern.

"Why am I even asking that?" Aizawa mutters to himself, exasperatedly rubbing his temples. "Because of you, I got an earful from Recovery Girl."

Well, if Katsuki's smart, he'll know to shut up.

And look, he's not _almost_ academically number one in his class for fucking _nothing._

Aizawa glares at him full force, finger trailing down the landscape of his face and dragging across loose skin. "You know what? I'm going to do something I should've done at the beginning of the day."

"Wh—"

Aizawa's eyes glow red. And something reacts in Katsuki. As if an off-button was just pressed in him, somehow.

Concerned, Katsuki flicks his wrist. Nothing. He flicks his other wrist. Still nothing.

 _Fuck._

And then he hears a crisp _snap._

What in the name of All M—

Katsuki looks back up, only to see Aizawa's holding one eye open with one hand, while using the other to apply a layer of tape to attach his eyelid to his eyebrow. He does the same to the other eye. Once he's done administering his drastic measures, Aizawa stares at Katsuki, eyes already bloodshot. And then he pulls out an extra large bottle — we're talking perfume-bottle size — of eye drops. "I've got at least three more of these ready to use, too," the teacher threatens. He'd be glaring, too, if that were physically possible at the moment. "So I can keep this up allllll day."

...Bakugou Katsuki truly _is_ a genius when it comes to getting himself into progressively worse predicaments.

* * *

He's handcuffed.

Again.

And _this_ time, he can't _explode_ himself out of his dissatisfactory circumstances.

"So how do you plan on going about this hostage situation?" Shoji asks, as they wander the halls of a random training building.

Did Katsuki mention they were forced to do the hostage situation training exercise _anyway?_ Well, they were.

Which is genuinely _stupid,_ because now they're _double_ handicapped.

For _one,_ the two are handcuffed.

For _two,_ Katsuki can't Explodey McBoom Boom with his damn hands anymore.

Get it? _Hand-_ icapped. Haha. Ha.

Katsuki would punch himself in the face right now if he had free reign of his right arm.

"Bakugou?" Shoji asks, this time a little louder. It seems the poor guy thinks Katsuki just didn't hear him properly.

You know, now that Katsuki thinks of it, the guy has the patience of a saint. Here Katsuki is, blowing up the guy's entire arm, and he's still willing to ask for Katsuki's _opinion_ on things. Not even _Koda_ would be this kind.

Then again, Koda can't regenerate his arms.

"The mission is just to find our four cardboard hostages right? Before the bomb goes off?" Katsuki asks, casually stepping over a tripwire.

Oh yeah, the entire building is boobytrapped too. What a time to _not have a fucking quirk._

"Yes." Shoji nods. "Because of our...er...handicap, we've been granted three extra minutes on the time, but even then, finding four hostages in a seven story building in eighteen minutes is a bit…"

"Yeah." Katsuki huffs. "Especially when we can't split up to look over them. To your right." He jerks his head in the direction of a motion detector up ahead. Without hesitation, Shoji extends a hand out and punches it. The two continue to walk, unfazed, even as what once _was_ the motion detector sends a few sparks flying before ultimately shattering onto the floor beneath.

"So what part of your body can you replicate with your arms?"

"Eyes, ears, mouth, and hands."

"They attached audio speakers to the cardboard hostages, didn't they? How good is your hearing?"

Shoji skillfully dodges a flying shuriken. "Probably not as good as Jirou's, but I'm certain I can hear through walls."

"Yeah?" Katsuki asks, just as a knife whizzes by, subtly grazing his cheek. Another one shortly follows, except _this_ time, Katsuki's prepared. Catching the blade between two fingers of his left hand, he flips the knife around and _flings_ it back into the hallway. Was there a point in doing that? No. Was he aiming for anything in particular when he threw it? Absolutely not. Was it satisfying, though? _Hell_ yeah. "What if duplicated four ears and used them to listen to the ceiling, the floor, and both walls? Do you think you could do that?"

Shoji nods. Immediately, four new appendages sprout out of his body, and he extends them out as far as they can go in all four directions.

It truly is a sight to see.

"Hear anything?"

"I think I can hear something faint. Sounds like there's something upstairs."

Katsuki strokes his chin with his free hand, thinking for a moment. "You're strong right?"

"I can lift about 600 kilograms, why?"

Katsuki points at the ceiling. "What if we started from the seventh floor, get the hostages, and just punch our way downwards?"

"Like, break the floors?"

"It'd definitely save us time from climbing stairs."

Shoji shakes his head. "But our hostages—"

"Shoji, they're _cardboard."_

"Yes, but in a _real_ hostage si—"

"In a _real_ hostage situation, we wouldn't be _handcuffed."_ Katsuki frowns, but it lacks most of its usual animosity. "So where's our first hostage?"

Shoji gives a relenting sigh. As if acknowledging Katsuki's right.

But _of course_ he's _right._ He's Bakugou _Katsuki_ after all.

"Well, the one I'm hearing right now should be above us — on the seventh floor — and somewhere to the right," Shoji says.

Katsuki nods at him. And without another word, the two of them run off towards the stairs, determined to get this shit done within five minutes.

Well, at least... _Katsuki's_ determined to do it within that dumbass timeframe. He's sure Shoji probably has a more _reasonable_ timeline of events planned out for this training session. But Katsuki was never one for _reason._ He likes to get shit done quick and fast. And explosively.

Damn, he misses having a quirk.

Is this how Deku used to feel?

Stupid?

Useless?

An inconvenience to the world?

Well, _good._ Katsuki hopes he _still_ feels that way.

 **Congratulations! The title** **«Piece of Shit» has been added to your list of skills.**

The two of them reach the seventh floor. Shoji jerks his head to the right, and makes a hard turn. It takes all of Katsuki's power to not trip over his own feet at this unexpected movement.

"Over here!" Shoji shouts out. He leaps over another tripwire. Katsuki clumsily follows, still trying to regain his balance.

Sure enough, Katsuki can hear the faint cries of a "Help me!" reverberating through the door at the end of the hallway. With renewed vigor, the two of them rush over and Shoji punches his way through the door.

Big mistake.

Because for some reason that triggers a _giant fucking log_ to swing at them.

A pair of firm, well-toned arms wrap themselves around Katsuki's body, pulling him to the right and slamming him against the wall.

Just in time for the log to miss hitting his body.

Katsuki looks upwards at his savior, almost hating the fact that he enjoys this warm embrace.

Shoji's forehead is laden with beads of sweat as he takes a few heavy breaths. At Katsuki's angle beneath him, Katsuki notices that the guy's side profile really makes his sharp, angular features stand out.

"What're you looking at?" Shoji asks, gently letting go of Katsuki. "We only have eight minutes left to find the rest of our hostages."

"Oh." Yep. Yep, Katsuki _probably_ enjoyed being embraced by Shoji. Considering he's _disappointed_ the guy let go. "You're right." Sighing, he follows Shoji into the room, and grabs hold of their first cardboard hostage.

* * *

"Impressive." Aizawa looks down at his timer, his eyes so bloodshot that Katsuki can no longer differentiate between what parts of his eyes are iris and not. "You managed to finish this activity with one minute and forty-seven seconds to spare."

From the looks of it, Katsuki doubts Aizawa has one minute and forty-seven seconds left to spare before his eyes catch on fire.

Just as Katsuki thinks that, Aizawa reaches into a pocket and takes out his super-sized bottle of eye drops. He squeezes, like, seventeen drops into each eye. And with a now obscene amount of tears dribbling down Aizawa's face, he tells them, "Good job. Now head back to class, you two."

But just as Shoji's about to obediently turn and head off towards class, Katsuki stops him in his tracks. Facing Aizawa, Katsuki points at the handcuffs.

"No." Aizawa looks positively dead inside.

...Well, it was worth asking.

The two of them head back towards class, and Katsuki awkwardly looks over at Shoji.

And then awkwardly averts his gaze.

And then awkwardly looks back at the guy.

Except, unfortunately for Katsuki this time, Shoji's caught on to the act and their eyes meet for a brief, fleeting moment.

"Yes, Bakugou?" Shoji asks. "Is there something you want to say?"

Damnit.

Well, he supposes this is a good time if any to just fucking say it.

"Look, Shoji." Katsuki licks his lips. "I-I'm...sorry. For blowing up one of your hands."

The guy's eyes widen. "Oh. Thanks." A few rapid blinks.

"And you know, I guess if I had to be handcuffed to anyone in class…" Katsuki's voice softens, trailing off a bit. But no. He's a big boy. He can say a few fucking _words._ "If I had to be handcuffed to anyone in class...I'm glad it was you."

 **Congratulations! Your Empathy Level grew from Level 9 to Level 10.**

 **Congratulations! At Empathy Level 10, you have now unlocked the ability to hang out with friends past 10 pm! You have also unlocked the ability to play minor pranks on friends!**

Actually, now that Katsuki thinks of it, if there's anyone in the class he'd rather be handcuffed to, it would _definitely_ be Uraraka.

Wow, just imagine _her_ saving him from that gigantic swinging log. And _her_ firm muscles wrapped tightly around him. The feeling of her raspy breaths resonating through her chest as his back is pressed against her. And then her gorgeously heroic side profile...

Katsuki sighs.

Well, he supposes Shoji's arms are a good alternative, too.

* * *

 **A/N:** Thanks again so much for reading! Anyway, Thanksgiving Break is coming up so hopefully I can get a ton of writing done during then so you guys don't have to wait so long again! Thanks so so so much again for being so patient! I love you all and hope you enjoyed the chapter!

And next time, it's Momo!


	10. Class 1-A(pes)

**A/N:** Hey guys! Happy WOW-I-GUESS-SHE-FINALLY-DECIDED-TO-UPDATE day!

Sorry it took so long. I hope this never happens again, but I've also learned to stop making promises about things because I'll always look irresponsible in the end, hahahahahahaha. Anyway uhhhhh if you're looking for my excuses as to why, it's mostly because I hit some writer's block and then once I got out of it, I realized I had too many extracurriculars on my plate and HAHA my life has been meetings for the full last month. But you're not here to look for excuses, you're here to read fanfiction! So lo and behold, welcome to the LONGEST CHAPTER YET (only by like 1k words tho so like...)

Anyway, I hope you enjoy reading this! Idk if it was worth the wait though, but like...anyway, get ready for my PATENTED EMOTIONAL WHIPLASH!

 **Also, further note, for those who haven't read the Eri chapter for spoiler reasons:** The main gist of that chapter was that Eri and Bakugou were playing with her toys and then Bakugou accidentally broke a toy and made her cry.

Okay, without further delay, I hope you enjoy the chapter!

* * *

When Katsuki walks into the classroom, he's incredibly confused.

Which, honestly speaking, is nothing _new._ He's _usually_ confused when he's in class. And you might be thinking, "Well, if he's doing so well in school, then why is he _confused_ most of the time? What? Does he _cheat_ on his tests?"

First of all, he likes to play things fair and square.

Was ganging up on and — _arguably_ — bullying Deku back in the days when he hadn't yet _bullshitted_ his way into a quirk playing things _fair and square?_

Absolutely.

If _anything,_ Katsuki was giving the damn bastard _character._ A lesson in perseverance, even.

But anyway, back to why he's usually so confused in class.

It's because he doesn't pay attention.

Look, Katsuki's the type of guy who really only likes the sound of his own voice. Occasionally, he can tolerate the shrill frequency of other people's voices at however many decibels they can generate out of their speaking holes, but the only two sounds Katsuki actually likes are 1). himself and 2). shit blowing up.

Oh wait, he likes the sound of Uraraka existing, too.

Okay, make that three things.

However, the reason why he's so confused going in to class today is because he happened to walk in on a very peculiar conversation.

" _SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!"_ Ashido screeches, running her hands all through her hair as if trying to defibrillate her brain back from wherever it had been the entirety of last month. "I forgot that there's gonna be an exam on Friday!" It's Tuesday, by the way. "Why didn't Aizawa-sensei _say_ anything about it?"

"He did, like…"—Soy Sauce Face pats Ashido on the back in an act of chastising pity—"...four days ago."

Ashido quits ruffling her hair and instead opts to bury her head deep into the palms of her hands. "Why didn't he tell us _sooner?"_ Ashido makes a sound as if she's weeping. Loudly.

"He first told us about the exam"—Soy Sauce forces an extra helping of awkward onto his already awkward smile—"a month ago."

"Then couldn't he have _reminded_ —"

"He's been reminding us every Friday for the past month." The guy points at the board. "See, he even wrote it up there on the blackboard in big letters and circled it."

Not that pointing at the board actually did anything, though, considering that Ashido's still too busy hiding her head — and consequently her eyes — in her hands.

"Why didn't I pay _attention?"_ Ashido wails.

At this point, Soy Sauce is unable to solace her any further and slowly draws his hand back. "Look, Ashido...sorry, but that's all on you."

His only reply is another high-pitched screech.

"Oh _shit!"_ Pikachu suddenly shouts from across the room. "The exam!" The guy rushes from his end of the room to where Ashido is, clasping her hands desperately in his in an act of solidarity. "I forgot about it too!" he cries, tears uncontrollably free falling from his tear ducts.

Apparently, this was what Ashido needed to finally raise her head — as she looks the boy dead in the eyes, tightens her grip in his, and shouts out with him in unison, " _WE'RE DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!"_

Cue more tears.

Amidst all the weeping and almost-drunken-but-actually-sober-as-these-are-high-schoolers-we're-talking-about-here-and-not-to-mention-it's-broad-daylight shouting, as well as half the class getting riled up into chanting, "EVERYONE _PLEASE_ JUST FAIL SO WE CAN ALL GET A CURVE", one of the class representatives — YoYo, or whatever her name is — stands up, leans over a bit, and authoritatively places her hands on her desk. Her eyebrows are furrowed together, but unlike _Katsuki's_ furrowed-together eyebrows, _hers_ are knitted tight in concern.

(And while we're on this topic, the reason why _Katsuki's_ eyebrows have glued themselves together is because he's fucking annoyed, and also a little caught off guard. He won't admit it to anyone but himself but...he _also_ didn't know there was an exam on Friday. And _no,_ the writing on the blackboard wasn't obvious enough of a tell, _okay?_ Heroes don't need to know how to _read;_ it's not like he's out here trying to get a career as a _librarian,_ you know.)

YoYo hesitantly takes in a deep breath. And then she smiles and clasps her hands together, as if to feign this being a light spur-of-the-moment decision. "Hey everyone! How about we all have a nice study session this afternoon together? In the common room?"

Katsuki has never heard Class 1-A go this quiet in a such a short amount of time.

Really, if you dropped a pin, you might _actually_ be able to hear Purple Pervert's creepy — and unfortunately permanent — heavy breathing instead.

Which, for this class, is _way_ more quiet than usual. See, _normally_ you'd just hear Deku babbling on about some weirdo shit at his desk in harmonization with Kirishima being a dumbass two seats down, but being able to hear individual _breathing?_ That's a first.

"S-s-study together?" Pikachu whimpers, finally breaking the silence.

YoYo nods. "Yes. As class representative, I'll do my best to help you all, just like last time!" Katsuki only now notices this, but her eyes are sparkling with expectation.

Another millisecond of silence.

...And then the class spontaneously erupts into cheers and applause.

"YAOMOMO! YAOMOMO!" is the last thing Katsuki hears before Aizawa enters the classroom and he blacks out for the remainder of school time.

* * *

Katsuki didn't intend to join YoYo's study session.

...Wait, okay. Let's rephrase.

Katsuki _really_ didn't intend to join Yoyo's study session.

But the thing is, now he's in the common room amongst the likes of multiple bumbling fucks, and the reason _why_ is very...well, it fits pretty well into his usual frame of mind.

Look, as we are all aware, Katsuki likes to think of himself as a real lone wolf. A true _alpha_ of his pack of _one._

So when Kirishima begged him to help cram for the exam like last time, Katsuki — as politely as a Katsuki can — declined, because he's really not about that lifestyle of being _friendly_ towards other.

Oh no.

Wait.

" _She says I'm so much of a_ jerk _she could never go out with me? I'll show her! I'll make her eat her words! And then she'll be so charmed by my great personality that she'll_ have _to go out with me."_

 _And with that, Katsuki dramatically stands up, dunks his now empty bag of chips into the trash can, and stomps out of Kirishima's room all while slamming the door behind him. Presumably to go off and friend the shit out of everyone._

...All Might's fucking _shit,_ Katsuki's already _committed_ himself to a lifestyle of being friendly towards others, hasn't he?

Okay, revelation aside, what got the dustyass GPS in his head programmed towards the direction of Momo's study session was Kirishima's comment after his swift rejection. "Damn. Guess I should just go to Yaomomo's thing, then." With a knowing sideglance aimed at Katsuki, Kirishima had continued, "Heard Uraraka's gonna be there too."

And, see, that sideglance was all it took for Katsuki's internal programming to go haywire and start crunching double time, causing his engines to whir until black smoke began clouding his vision.

See, Katsuki's heard about this.

Well, not _heard,_ per se. More like... _read._ Or, occasionally, _watched._ In his...manga...and...anime.

As soon as he hears himself repeating such otaku jargon, the sage words of Soy Sauce begin rolling around in his head like two pairs of dice jangling around in the empty recesses of a metal salad bowl:

"HAHAHAHA WHAT A FUCKING _NERD."_

 _No._

Shut _up,_ figurative Soy Sauce.

Look, this tangent has nothing to do with this backstory.

Anyway, what Katsuki learned from his manga and anime and other miscellaneous sources that are 100% reputable and 100% _not_ random internet forums — which may or may not include the likes of YouTube comments — is that study dates are _great_ dates.

See, two people study together, seated comfortably across the desk from one another.

They're trying to solve a problem together.

They're so into solving whatever dumbass assignment it is together that they don't realize how close they are together.

They look up.

They then _realize_ how close their faces now are to each other.

One of them suddenly takes a peek at the other person's lips.

The other person notices.

And before the two know it, they're being pulled to one another as if their lips are magnets.

Sparks fly.

And then _BAM,_ Bakugou Katsuki will be in a fucking _relationship._

 _Hell_ yeah.

It's a foolproof plan and _that's_ why Katsuki is at YoYo's stupid study session.

"Alright everyone!" YoYo smiles, urging everyone to take a spot anywhere amongst the many open seatings of the two dining tables she pushed together. "What subjects shall we be going over today?"

As everyone begins listing off what subjects they're about to get fucked over in, Katsuki begins doing a headcount of everyone here.

Let's see. So there's Pikachu, Jirou, Ashido, Soy Sauce, Tails, Kirishima, Uraraka, Aoyama, Pervert, Sato, Koda, and, of course, YoYo.

Damn, that's a lot more people than he anticipated.

Then again, he was really only expecting four idiots and one goddess named Uraraka. So now it's going to be a lot harder to snag some alone time with Uraraka, _damn it._

"What about you, Bakugou-san?"

Katsuki looks up, and immediately jumps backwards.

Because YoYo's face is suddenly only a few centimeters away from his.

 _Why couldn't it be Uraraka?_ he can't help but internally whine.

"Bakugou-san?" YoYo repeats. "What subjects would you like to focus on for our study session?"

Huh?

Subjects?

He looks around the table, until his eyes land on Uraraka.

Fuck, he should've paid attention — because at least then, he would've just been able to repeat her answer and maybe they would've been paired together or something.

But subjects?

As in _school?_

Katsuki's already said this before today, but he must reiterate: he doesn't pay attention in class.

And it's not like he needs to _either._ Studying is easy, ok? You just open a textbook, skim over all the text real quick, maybe do, like, two or three problems if it's STEM related, and then you close your textbook and reward yourself with a pat on the back for being such a motherfucking genius. Studying only takes ten minutes _max,_ so why there needs to be a whole _get together_ for it is beyond Katsuki's logical computing powers.

"Bakugou-san?" YoYo's voice somehow manages to sound a little...deflated?

Rather timidly, Katsuki shoves his hands in his pockets and slumps in his seats. "Dunno," he finally forces out in a mumble. "I haven't really been keeping up with classes the past few weeks."

YoYo's eyes brighten again. "Oh yes, that's right!" She snaps her fingers instinctively, in line with her thought process. "You were suspended twice within the last few weeks, were you not?"

 _Don't remind him._

"Then I'll make sure to review everything you've missed these past few days!" she exclaims, wide grin on her face.

As all the kids begin opening their textbooks and YoYo pulls a whiteboard from seemingly nowhere — well, considering her quirk, probably _actually_ nowhere — Katsuki takes another longing glance at Uraraka, seated three chairs away from him on the other side of the desk.

...This is going to be the worst study date _ever,_ isn't it?

* * *

Damn, it's been an hour of this little 'study session' with this crew and he's only learned one thing: the class representative's name is either Yaomomo or Yaoyorozu.

And because Katsuki's uncertain about this, we can really only count this as a:

 **[Skill proficiency of +0.5 «Knowledge» has been obtained.]**

"Can you explain this problem again, please?"

"She's already gone over it _twice,_ though! Yaomomo, can you please just move onto the next question?"

"Now, wait, hold on, Kirishima-san. I'd like to make sure Ashido-san first understands the concept before moving—"

"Speaking of concepts, can you explain this formula over here in this—"

"Nonononono, _look,_ Yaomomo. We've been doing math for _hours—"_

"Okay, it's only been _one_ hour—"

"—well, _whatever_ man; it _feels_ like it's been hours. So can we _please_ start going over literature?"

"L- _literature?_ Just read the book, dude!"

"I never learned how to fucking read, _dude."_

"Quit memeing around and just _open_ the _book,_ dumbass!"

Katsuki hears a slap. From the sound and resonance of it, he's guessing it's against someone's skull.

"OWWWW! WHAT THE _FUCK,_ DUDE!"

" _READ!"_

"HOW _CAN_ I? YOU JUST MADE ME LOSE MY LAST REMAINING BRAIN CELL!"

" **THEN PERISH."**

"...Okay, so as Sero and Kaminari duke it out over there, can we continue on with math?"

"Ah! Yaoyorozu-san, after we go over how to do this problem again, may we please-"

"Yaomomo! Let's start going over—"

"No _wait!_ I really need help on—"

"Math!"

"History!"

"Literature!"

"How to get girls!"

"No one asked you, Mineta."

"...Well, I was just giving my honest opinion on what we should go over…"

"English, please!"

"Ugh...why do we have to learn _English?_ It's not like we're going to transfer over to America for our hero careers, are we?"

"No, but All Might sounds really cool whenever he uses English for his hero moves, you know?"

"...Okay, that's definitely... _a_ point."

"Hero Law!"

"Literature!"

Katsuki's mouth is wisely sealed shut as he looks over at YoYo, whose eyes seem ready to spin out of her skull.

You know, this might genuinely be the first time he's ever felt _bad_ for someone through no fault of his own.

Damn...is _he,_ Bakugou Katsuki, becoming a _non-jerkier person?_

Smirking, Katsuki instinctively glances over at Uraraka, as if to gloat his new status of being _less of an absolute piece of shit;_ but when his eyes finally find her, he notices a worried expression on her face in the direction of YoYo.

Which brings _his_ eyeline back to YoYo.

Which brings him back to his feeling of sympathy for the girl.

She's literally just trying her best, but having to tutor eleven — well, actually, _ten_ since Katsuki doesn't really _need_ any help here — idiot kids is really putting some mental strain on her.

He can tell because she's begun popping stress balls out of her skin as if in a unconscious but desperate cry for help.

"Do you need help tutoring them?" slips out through Katsuki's mouth before he can even register what those six words mean.

Silence.

Everyone immediately turns to stare at him. Quizzically. Suspiciously. Warily.

"...You'd like to...help me out...Bakugou-san?"

Well, he didn't mean to, but now those words are already out _and_ Uraraka's giving him this whole entire look of disbelief, so it's not like he really has a choice to say _no_ anymore.

* * *

Look, he lied.

There is _always_ a choice to say no.

There is _always_ a choice to _not be a fucking dumbass,_ but like a _dumbass_ — an absolute fucking buffoon _moron,_ even — Katsuki didn't _fucking_ take it.

 _Fuck._

"Dammit, what the fuck about this novel do you not _understand?"_ Katsuki asks Pikachu for the umpteenth time, fighting back his urge to bang his head on the table until he's no longer capable of feeling pain.

Because right now, it feels like his brain is splitting the way windows do when a batter hits a home run in the _wrong direction._

"I don't understand _anything_ about this book, okay?" Pikachu wails. "Why are there eyes on the billboard? Isn't that _creepy?_ Why is this Nick guy so obsessed with the other guy's car? _Who is Gatsby and why is he so great?"_

"Bakugou-san, do you need help with Kaminari?" Yao...the tutor girl asks from across the dining table. "He's reading over the Great Gatsby, is he not?"

"Yeah! Why the _hell_ is an _American_ book in our list of required readings? We're in _Japan!"_ Pikachu begins to cry. "Why did All Might have to be such an Ameriboo?"

"A... _whom?"_ someone else asks.

"You know! Someone who loves America _way_ too much. A...a... _Yankophile!"_

"I can understand how that might be difficult to comprehend without a solid understanding of 1920's America," Tutor Girl muses, finger on her chin. "Bakugou-san, would you like som—"

Katsuki huffs. Is she questioning his brilliance? His patience? His holy _benevolence?_

"I've got this," he replies to Tutor Girl, all while glaring at Pikachu straight in his spiraling eyes. "How about we just take a look at this quote over h—"

" _This_ quote?" Pikachu points at a random sentence. "'Daisy! Daisy! Daisy!' shouted Mrs. Wilson. 'I'll say it whenever I want to! Daisy! Dai—'" Pikachu frowns, and Katuski can see he's doing _some_ kind of mental calculation in his hand. And then Pikachu points at the quote in the book, _shoves_ the book in Katsuki's face, and yells out, "This quote only has _fifteen_ words in it, and _five_ of them are the _same one._ Why are we looking at _this_ quo—!"

Katsuki has to refrain himself from slapping the book out of Pikachu's nitwit hand. "Not _this_ quote, you mor-" Katsuki bites his tongue, feeling the weight of _both_ Tutor Girl's _and_ Uraraka's judging stares at him. "You...mor-sel of intellectual...prowess, you."

That didn't make it any better.

Rather, that was somehow probably even _more_ insulting than it would have been to just call him a moron.

"Bakugou-san, are you sure you don't require some assistance?" Tutor Girl interjects once again.

 _No,_ okay, he's got this under _control._

"How about we just start over from the beginning?" Katsuki can feel his eye twitching, but he's trying his damndest to just keep his shit together. "How far along the book are you?"

"I'm on page twenty and nothing makes _sense!"_ the other boy whines.

All the fuses in Katsuki's brain have already short-circuited by now, but that doesn't stop his entire biological system from feeling like it's about to lose all his remaining one-and-a-half marbles. "Why don't you read until the end of the book and ask me questions _then?"_

"Dude, it already took me an hour to get _this_ far!"

"Then read _faster_ this time!"

"But I only learned how to read just _two_ hours a—owowOW OW _OW!"_ Pikachu screeches as Katsuki begins pulling on his earlobe, forcing him out of his seat. "THAT _HURTS,_ DUDE!"

Katsuki rolls his eyes and tosses the boy into a random corner of the room. "Sit there and think about what you've done."

"But I'm so tired of _thinki—!"_

Katsuki glares at him.

Pikachu immediately shuts up, obediently turns to face the corner of the wall, and begins contemplating all his life decisions leading up to this humiliating moment.

"Okay, who's next?" Katsuki asks the rest of his classmates, praying to the divine spirits of All Might's holy pectorals that he can give his brain a break from literature.

"Me!" Ashido exclaims, raising her hand. "Can you explain some of these chemistry concepts to me?" She looks over to Tutor Girl, who's busy consoling a crying Pikachu in the corner right now. "I think Yaomomo is busy right now."

Katsuki sighs. "Sure." Dragging himself over to peer at the open textbook over her shoulder, he asks her, "What do you need help on?"

"Everything," she mutters beneath her breath.

"You wanna repeat that?" Katsuki scowls. He actually heard the whole thing, but this was a rhetorical question — he's challenging her to answer, _daring_ her even — because there's no way in _hell_ he's about to teach her a whole textbook's worth of material in one afternoon.

Ashido pouts, but ultimately relents. It's a pretty fair decision, after all, to prefer taking a beating via academics than through Bakugou Katsuki. "I don't understand solvents and solutions, and all this mixing stuff," she murmurs.

So...she still doesn't understand... _everything,_ huh?

"Also, which side of the pH scale was acid again?"

Without another word, Katsuki picks Ashido up by the collar and flings her into a corner opposite of Pikachu's in the room.

 _Really_ now, shouldn't she know about _that_ at the very least? It's her fucking _quirk,_ of all things.

In fact, wouldn't she become infinitesimally stronger if she just understood the basic _theory_ behind her quirk?

"Next," Katsuki demands.

At this point, all the other kids have caught onto Katsuki's game, and are doing their very best to avoid any and all eye contact with him.

And while Katsuki would typically be very happy to just let his "tutoring" end as disgracefully as this, Uraraka is right _there,_ and unless he shows her his pure-hearted desire to teach everyone some rando shit, then she won't look his way ever _again._

Is this some kind of desperate, love-sick delusion?

 _Maybe._

But would continually proving to her that he's _willing_ to help others show himself off as a _not jerk?_

...Hopefully.

"You, with the tail." Katsuki points at the poor boy by jutting his dutifully sharpened anime jaw out. "What do you need help with?"

Tails very visibly, very obviously cowers from head to toe. "I-I think I'm good for now."

"Bull—" Katsuki bites his tongue and, awkwardly glancing in the direction of Uraraka, prays from the bottom of his heart that she didn't hear what he was just about to say.

She's not looking in his direction.

Bless unto All Might's magnificently cascading waterfall of abs, she _wasn't paying attention._

Katsuki sighs, trying to formulate in his brain a socially acceptable retort of the other boy's retort. "I'm sure there's something you'd like some help with." Aha! _Much_ better. "So if it's fine, I'd like to help you with it."

Ha! _See,_ Uraraka? Katsuki knows _words._ He knows how to translate an entire phrase from the language of _asshole_ to _basic._

 **Congratulations! Your Empathy Level grew from Level 10 to Level 11.**

 _See?_ Even the voice in his _head_ agrees.

"No, I'm sure Yaomomo will be free from helping Sato-san in a minute or two. So I'll just wait for her, if that's fine with you." Tails cowers meekly behind his textbook.

What is with all these kids and wanting to ask Tutor Girl _first?_

Katsuki clicks his tongue, aggressively slamming his palm on the table. "Well _she's_ not available and _I_ am." He glares at the kid. "So tell me what you need help with right now."

Tails emits a squeak in fear, trembling from head to toe. He ducks his head _entirely_ behind his textbook now.

But Katsuki's not about to have any of that. No. Lifting the textbook out of Tails' grip, Katsuki flicks it out of the guy's hands. "What's the subject?" he growls.

To everyone else in the room, this is the most threatening act of altruism they've ever experienced in their life.

"H-H-H-Hero Law."

Katsuki gulps.

Hero...Law?

Hero?

 _Law?_

That's a... _thing?_

Sure, _maybe_ if heroes set off their quirks willy-nilly without supervision or regulation, then they'd be no better than a villain. But Katsuki isn't a _bitch._ He's not one to be constrained by _rules._ Handcuffs _maybe,_ but definitely not _rules._ Who gives a _shit_ about the la—

Katsuki takes a glance at Tails' open textbook that's now lying dejectedly on the floor. The first words on the page to digest in his rebel brain are: "Minimum fine of 120,000 yen."

...Oh. So _that's_ why people give a shit about the law.

Katsuki looks at the textbook and looks at Tails. He looks back at the textbook.

Fuck if _he_ knows anything that's in this ponzi scheme of a subject.

Taking the book, he shoves it back into Tails' chest. Turning a now confused Tails over to face an opposite corner of the room from Ashido and Pikachu, Katsuki instructs him, "Hey, uh, since Hero Law is mostly just reading, how about you go read some of it over there and I'll get back to you later?" And then he gently — but forcefully — nudges Tails into the corner.

* * *

"So," Jirou says, popping some pink bubblegum with quite a whole lotta _snark_ , "you _quit_ teaching Kaminari, Ashido"—she's counting on her fingers now—"Ojiro, Kirishima, Mineta, Sato, Aoyama, Koda, Sero, and now you've moved onto _me."_ Jirou lazily rests one arm over the back of her chair and leans back, until only two of the chair legs are barely — and rather precariously — balancing on the floor. Placing both her feet up on the table, she snaps her bubblegum again and deadpans, "To what do I owe this honor?"

Katsuki has to bite _hard_ into his lip to prevent himself from trying to smartass her right back. Because he's talked to Jirou enough times now to know that he literally _can't_ win against her in a battle of wits.

And it really takes a _lot_ for Katsuki to admit there's something he can't win in.

 **Congratulations! New skill «Humility» has been gained.**

But also, more than that, he has no idea how to respond to Jirou about her question. Mostly because he had blacked out by the time she had listed the second name he didn't recognize.

"Hey, Bakugou." Another snap of her bubblegum. "I know that you're only helping me now because Yaomomo's helping Uraraka, and I'm the last one left, but...you know...I'd still enjoy _some_ kind of response outta you."

Katsuki doesn't reply, instead choosing to stare blankly in her vague direction.

"Or are you going to kick me out _too?"_ A hint of a scowl rests on her lips.

Man, Jirou and Soy Sauce — the last guy he helped — sure have different reactions to the prospect of being banished into the shadow realm by Katsuki. For one, by the first minute of Katsuki trying to help Soy Sauce with math, Soy Sauce was practically _begging_ for Katsuki to send him to another corner of the building.

And yes, you read that right. _Building._

See, by the time Kirishima had taken up the last remaining corner of the room they were in, Katsuki had to start manhandling the elevator and forcing kids to start reflecting on separate floors.

Tutor Girl had strongly objected to this treatment of course, and had even tried to build a wall to keep Katsuki isolated and far away from damaging this study session any further, but then he had just punched through the wall and continued on his un-merry way.

" _What?"_ Katsuki glares at Jirou. "Do you _also_ want to be kicked out of a _special_ tutoring session being hosted by the benevolent _me?"_

It's amazing to everyone but Katsuki that that was said without even a trace of sarcasm.

"I mean" —Jirou sighs, setting her chair upright again and subsequently resting her cheek in her hand— "I don't mind either way, but you _do_ know what's been going on for the past hour or so with everyone else, _right?"_

"You mean them being bad at studying?" Katsuki frowns, crossing his arms together. "Of course I know."

Jirou shakes her head. "No, not that." Pulling her phone out, she pulls open a chat. "Take a look at this."

* * *

 **3:48 pm**

 **Dumminari:** guysss, im so borreeeddd. reading

 **Snapey Tapey:** Get over it, dumbass

 **jEARou:** yeah man, it's your fault for not having read it in the first place

 **Ashidope:** wait then why am I in a corner too?

 **Dumminari:** its because your dumb **(+3 Likes)**

 **Ashidope:** i don't want to hear that from someone with a nickname like yours **(+1 Dislike)**

 **Ashidope:** also you're* **(+5 Likes) (+1 Dislike)**

 **3:57 pm**

 **Oji-san:** Okay, I get why Ashido and Kaminari are in the corner, but I have no idea why Bakugou put me in here too. My tail hurts from sitting on it so much.

 **Ashidope:** SEE **Kaminari?** It's not just a dummy thing!

 **Sticky Balls:** Maybe he's just picking on you guys

 **Dumminari:** bu ? ? ?

 **4:14 pm**

 **KirishimaaAHHH:** Can't believe my best friend just put me in the corner like that

 **Babushka Koda:** Well, to be fair, you kept pestering him for fifteen straight minutes...

 **Can't Believe He Fucking Called You Sad Toe:** Yeah I mean if it were me, I would've kicked you out by minute two

 **KirishimaaAHHH:** But that's just how our friendship dynamic WORKS

 **Sparkly mcFartly:** You two need a more *fantastic* friendship dynamic then **(+9 Likes) (+1 Dislike)**

 **KirishimaaAHHH:** You guys suck

 **4:32 pm**

 **Dumminari:** ok so headcount. how many of us are in timeout now?

 **KirishimaaAHHH:** Me

 **Ashidope:** me

 **Sticky Balls:** Me

 **Oji-san:** Me.

 **Can't Believe He Fucking Called You Sad Toe:** Me

 **Dumminari:** so that makes 5 of us then?

 **jEARou:** it's 6, you idiot **(+14 Likes) (+1 Dislike)**

 **Ashidope:** wait, but how can there be 6 of us? There are only 4 corners in this room

 **Can't Believe He Fucking Called You Sad Toe:** He started sending us to different floors

 **Mommy Momo:** Oh dear, there are that many of you already? Let me talk to Bakugou-san about this. You're supposed to be learning, not in timeout.

 **Dumminari:** wait no **Yaoyarozu!** i actually have a better idea for timeout! listen to this guys: hide and seek!

 **No Face:** What are you guys talking about?

 **Babushka Koda: Hagakure** , the six of them got put in timeout by Bakugou-san during Yaomomo's study session, and now they want to play hide and seek

 **No Face:** Omg can I join?

 **Ashidope:** you're already invisible. Wouldn't that be cheating?

 **No Face:**...No

 **4:48 pm**

 **Snapey Tapey:** Are you guys still playing hide and seek?

 **Dumminari:** yeah man come join us!

 **Snapey Tapey:** Ughhh I want to but Bakugou keeps trying to teach me

 **Dumminari:** just pull a me

 **Ashidope:** yeah! Just do something stupid!

 **Sticky Balls:** C'mon man! Even Midoriya, Todoroki, Asui, and Shoji are playing with us now!

 **Snapey Tapey:** I hate you guys

* * *

"And then after that, you kicked Sero out and I guess he's been playing hide-and-seek with them ever since," Jirou says.

Katsuki rolls his eyes. "Yeah _right."_ With a self-assured smirk on his face, he gestures towards a corner of the room. "I know for a _fact_ that no one's left their corner this whole ti—" His smirk suddenly falls flat off his face the moment he actually takes a look at the corner. His gaze flies over to another corner of the room. Then corner three. And four.

None of the people who were _supposed_ to be in those corners _are_ there.

Katsuki whips his head back towards the direction of Jirou.

She winks at him.

A _sarcastic_ wink.

With a _monotone_ expression.

How.

Dare.

She.

"So"—she finally smiles at him—"you gonna let me play hide-and-seek with them or not?"

Katsuki can feel all the rage and anger of fifty-kajillion boiling suns pass through his digestive track. And then he immediately feels the feeling... _pass._

If it were even just a few seconds earlier, he would've gotten Jirou and everyone else in this room — so, just Uraraka and Tutor Girl — and convinced them to play _It_ to wrangle in all these shitty bastards playing hide-and-seek _without him._

But now... _now_ he's just tired.

This.

Blowing Shoji's hand off.

Making Eri cry.

Suspension.

What has all _this_ been _for?_

* * *

Uraraka and him sit in silence, allowing only the faint sound of pen on paper to pass between them.

It's been a while since Jirou and Tutor Girl have gone searching for everyone else, and it's been a little more than a while since Katsuki's decided there's no point to anything anymore.

He frowns to himself, quietly doing his homework, all while pretending like no one's there with him.

He's angry.

He's bitter.

And maybe he's just a little sad.

His breaths are blasts of hot air pushing through his sinuses. His teeth are clamped together like someone's glued them shut. There's a pounding headache going on that makes him want to just lay down in bed and never wake up again.

Uraraka's pen stops moving for just a second. She cautiously takes a peek at him, before resuming whatever homework she was doing in silence.

Katsuki scowls.

The _last_ thing he wants, after all, is to have her asking him _what's wrong._

Because he _knows_ she's kind enough, she's _intuitive_ enough, to understand there's _something_ going on in his head.

But the thing is, _he's_ not introspective enough to be able to pinpoint down what exactly he's feeling, and _why._

She looks back up at him again. This time a moment longer.

Her eyes flicker back downwards, drifting over the content left on her textbook page.

Her mouth opens ever so slightly, before she immediately closes it again, pouting just a little bit at her hesitancy. She tries again. "Bakugou-kun?" she asks. "Is everything alright?"

 _No._

 _Of course it's not._

"Yeah." He looks away.

"You're lying."

"Am not."

"Yes you are."

Uraraka leans over the desk to take a good look at him. He shields his eyes from her gaze.

"You're lying," she repeats, attempting to pry his hand away from his forehead. "Look at me."

"No."

"Look at me."

" _No."_

"Bakugou—"

"I'm _okay,_ so just _stop_ bothering me," he finally lashes out.

Something wet trails down his face.

What the fuck?

Since when has he been _crying?_

Uraraka reaches a hand out, gently wiping the tears from his face. "What's wrong?"

Katsuki brushes her hand away. But there's little force to it.

This is so _fucking_ embarrassing, to be crying in front of the girl he likes, just because he sucks at tutoring these stupid kids.

And the thing is, he doesn't even _know_ what's wrong.

Or does he?

Because Katsuki's been working this whole time to become some kind of friendly _fuck,_ but he's not even _becoming_ a better person.

He makes little girls cry. He puts other kids in suspension all the _damn time._ When he was kidnapped, all he could think about was crushing his kidnappers' heads in his fists.

Hell, he straight up _blew up_ a guy's entire _hand_ because he was being petty about his suspension.

In the end, no matter how much he says he wants to become a better person, his will to be "good" is always put on the backburner. All in favor of his base personality.

Of some schmuck.

Of an asshole.

In the end, maybe he really _can't_ become a "friendly guy." Maybe he really _is_ just a hotheaded piece of shit.

Maybe he can't change.

Maybe he never will.

This whole time, he's deluded himself this whole time into thinking that he's gotten all the way up to step _eleven_ in becoming even _halfway_ a decent person, but in reality, he's never even made it past the starting line.

He's told himself all this time that he's getting better. That he's making friends. That now, maybe people actually _like_ him.

And yet, here he's faced with the fact that there's not only an entire _class group chat_ that's been going on for quite a while, but that he was never _invited_ to it.

It hurts him.

No matter how much he tries to integrate himself into the group, he'll always be the outcast. He'll always be the one who's too quick to anger. Who's too willing to just set shit on fire instead of listening to others. Who's too willing to just throw all his character growth aside in favor of just landing one single, solitary punch.

He's never been a good guy.

He's always been an awful guy.

He's never been a friend to these kids.

He'll always be a... _jerk._

And that pisses him off to no end.

"Bakugou—"

"I _just…_ " Katsuki bites his bottom lip. The beating of his heart heightens, quickens, slows to the beat of a light drizzle. "Why is it always _her?"_

Uraraka's eyes slightly scrunch up in confusion. "...Huh?"

Honestly, Katsuki wants to ask the same thing to _himself._ What does _that_ have to do with his issues?

"Why do people always flock to her?" he begins to ramble. "I try to help them, but they all insist on going to her first."

Uraraka tilts her head. "You mean Yaoyorozu-san?"

"Yeah. Her." He takes a deep breath. "I was trying my best to help them, you know?"

He looks up at her.

The expression on her face says she's not buying his words.

"...I tried to help them," he rectifies. "But the only reason they let me help them at all was just because she was busy elsewhere. Otherwise, they would've been glad to ignore my help altogether. It was always me helping them because Yaoyorozu was busy elsewhere. That, or I would get a 'Don't help me; Yaoyorozu is almost done.' What is it about her that so easily attracts other people to her? What does she have that I _don't?_ How is she any better than me? She might be the smartest in our class, but I'm _third._ I spent my whole life wanting to be the greatest and the best — the one to _finally_ upstage All Might — and in the end, _I'm_ the one getting constantly overshadowed by my classmates. _I'm_ the one who's getting kidnapped. _I'm_ the one landing myself and other kids in detention. _I'm_ the one that everyone's _still_ afraid of, while they're all calling her _Mommy Momo,_ for fuck's sake. They didn't even invite me to the _group chat._ Even now, I'm like this complete outsider to the group, while everyone loves her. A-and honestly, I'm just... _jealous._ "

Oh. So _that's_ what she has to do with all this.

So _that's_ why he's so upset.

She's Creati, isn't she?

The one who can make anything she wants?

He's wanted to be like that since the beginning of his inane mission to become a better human being. He's wanted to build friendship. To create moments of joy with others. To even, _hopefully_ , establish a romantic connection at the end of all this.

And yet, he picked a fight with multiple students in the beginning because he only knew how to communicate with others through their pain.

The first thing he wanted to do while kidnapped and in someone else's body was melt someone's face off.

He broke a girl's favorite toy just because he got too excited.

He straight up _blew up a guy's entire hand_ because he was being _petty_ about his _suspension._

"She can create anything she wants with her quirk, and all I can do is destroy," he mutters. "I just wreck everything I touch, and now she has to go and fix all my shit."

"Bakugou-kun…" Uraraka's voice trails off.

She's doing that thing again. That thing where she opens her mouth like she's about to say something, and slowly closes it again because she's not confident in her ability to express her thoughts. To him.

Maybe _she's_ afraid of talking to him too.

 _Fuck._

Katsuki lowers his head. Clenches his fists so hard under the table that he can feel blood beginning to seep from the cuts his nails are gouging into his palms.

This is so awful.

So embarrassing.

He's just so _fucking_ stupid.

Why did he even have to open his mouth? Why did he even decide to _talk_ about this with her. It's not like she cares. It's not like _anyone_ cares about him, because why _would_ they when _he's_ never really demonstrated to show any care to them before the moment Uraraka rejected him?

He's _not even in the fucking group chat._

Does _anyone_ in his class actually care about him?

Did he even _make_ friends?

The rejection, the humiliation, the anger, the pain, the irritation at life itself roils around in his head until he somehow manages to feel it reeling in his stomach.

He wants to lay down on the floor and puke these _stupid_ fucking feelings out, until he's just burning in a vat of his own misery.

"Bakugou-kun..." Uraraka finally says. She takes a hesitant gulp. "You know, it's true that everyone is kind of afraid of you. And we all especially were when we first met you."

 _How is this supposed to make him feel any better?_

"And yeah" she continues, "you're probably one of the most stubborn, most impulsive, most arrogant people I know."

"How is this supposed to make me feel any b—"

"Hold on"—she raises a hand up at him, physically cutting him off—"I wasn't done yet. _Yes,_ you're the most stubborn person I know, but that also means you're the most headstrong. You are persistent, _relentless,_ and above all, you are undefeatable, because you'll always get right back up again. _Yes,_ you're the most impulsive person I know, but that also means you're the first to rush into any situation. And sometimes, in extreme situations like...like for example, a _bomb threat_ situation, sometimes there's no _time_ for hesitation. And _yes,_ you're the most arrogant person I know...and"—her voice drops a bit into a quiet murmur—"while I think you should really fix that"—her voice picks up again—"I think that your unyielding belief in yourself means you'll always do what you feel is right, no matter what anyone else says to you. And you know, that kind of self confidence, that kind of self reassurance, is something all good heros _need."_

She's met with an immediate, deafening silence.

It's Katsuki's turn now to gape at Uraraka with a wide-open mouth.

"Oh…" Uraraka's face suddenly flushes a deep crimson. "D-Did I say too much?"

Katsuki shakes his head. "No." He's still trying to process everything she just said to him.

But it was just so much.

So much that managed to... _alleviate_ every painful emotion that had been going through him. As if she knew _exactly_ what words to say.

And because of that, Katsuki begins mentally slapping himself.

Come _on,_ fucker. Just say thank you. Just say you really needed that. Just say fucking _something._ "Fuck. I just, I... _fuck_...this is why I fucking fell for you in the first place, isn't it?"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"!"

Uraraka's already flushed face suddenly flushes ever deeper. Her entire body positively _erupts_ in full-on red. " _What?"_

Katsuki, on the other hand, is _just_ as surprised he said that. " _What?"_ he repeats.

She points at him. " _What_ did you say?" Even though she's pulling an accusatory stance, she refuses to look him in the eye.

"What do _you_ think I said?" He points back at her, because he's too awkward to figure out what _else_ he could possibly do in this situation.

"Nonononono." Uraraka vehemently shakes her head. "It's not about what _I"_ —she points at herself—"think you said. It's about what _you"_ —she points back at him—"think you said."

"Nononononononono." Katsuki begins to mirror her head shaking. "Who cares what _I_ think I said? I _already_ said it. Let's talk about _your_ interpretation of what I said."

"Nononononononononononononono. _I_ care about what you said, and you should _too,_ so let's hear it again."

"Nononononononononononononononononono—"

"Seriously, what _did_ Bakugou say?" Jirou seemingly materializes out of nowhere in the doorway. As she eyes their flustered faces up and down, a knowing smirk makes itself a new home on her face. In a deriding tone, she asks, "Oh...was it _embarrassing?"_

Uraraka and Katsuki look at each other for a split second. Then their heads whip back in her direction. "No it wasn't!" they shout out in unison..

The smirk hasn't lost its lease on Jirou's face though. Rather, it's paid off its mortgage, refurbished its living space, and begun settling its entire family there, too. "Oh~ I see~"

She sees it's bullshit, _that's_ what she sees.

"Uraraka-san, Bakugou-san, I've found most of the others," Yaoyorozu says, rounding the corner of the doorway too. In her hand, she's carrying a rope, which then trails into a conga line of kids all with their hands bound by this very same rope.

It looks like a procession of prisoners about to be hanged for their crimes.

Based on the dejected expressions on most of their faces, too, that's probably an accurate description of how the kids are feeling about this predicament as well.

"The only one I couldn't find was Aoyama-san, unfortunately," Yaoyorozu continues. "And none of our class"—she tugs on the rope connecting all of her unwilling tutee victims together—"knew where he was either."

"Yeah, isn't Aoyama-kun not doing too hot in his academics?" one of the kids pipes up.

"Oh dang, you're right."

"That's not going to be good then. If we can't find him soon, he's going to have to _seriously_ cram on his own, then."

"I don't even think it's physically possible anymore to do that level of studying in whatever time is left until the midterm though."

"Oh shit, you're right. Maybe we shouldn't have played hide-and-seek."

"Yeah, but it was fun, so—"

" _Yeah,_ but now our grades are _fucked,_ so."

"Geez, lighten _up,_ man. It's not like anyone actually _cares_ about our grades once we become heroes."

"My _mom—"_

"Your _mom_ can—"

"Look, this isn't the time to make any 'your mom' jokes, okay—"

"I have _returned!"_ someone audaciously declares, thrusting open the main doors to the common room and letting the outside light shine upon them from the back — such that the other kids can only make out a faint silhouette of this kid's figure.

...Must be Aoyama.

"Where were you, man?" Sato asks. "We all got pretty worried when we searched the entire building and couldn't find you."

Aoyama winks. "Well, no one said the game of hide-and-seek had to be _indoors._ " A twirl. "So obviously"—another twirl, but this time, he ends in a flamboyant pose that starts with throwing one leg up in the air and ends with resting one hand on his chest, presumably where his heart is—" _moi_ went to hide outside."

From somewhere at the end of the conga line of prisoners, Katsuki catches Soy Sauce muttering, "Look, I don't know French, but I'm pretty sure he's not using that right."

"But when no one came looking for me"—Aoyama pouts, glaring at everyone while still keeping his ever-perpetual smile intact—"I felt _alone_ and _bored,_ so I went to the convenience store and found these!" The guy lifts up a plastic bag about ready to rupture from all the random shit that's inside of it. "It's ~✶✵✺✳︎✷✬✪✭ ✧◇✦Sparklers✦◇✧ ✭✪✬✷✳︎✺✵✶~"

"Why would you buy—"

"Oh my gosh, Aoyama-kun! That sounds so fun!"

"Yeah, it's already dark out! Let's—"

"No guys, wait, weren't we just saying we shouldn't have played hide-and-seek because now we're really fucked for studying—"

"Well, already fucked is already _fucked_. How much help can trying to study any _more_ right now do?"

"My dear classmates, I truly believe—"

"Let's play with the sparklers!"

" **HELL YEAH!"**

Yaoyorozu shakes her head and sighs.

It seems she's given up.

Damn, if this is how Aizawa feels every day, then it's no _wonder_ why he looks so tired all the time.

* * *

Katsuki doesn't understand how he also ended up being dragged outside to play with the sparklers.

...Okay, let's clarify a bit.

Katsuki _really_ doesn't understand how he also ended up being dragged outside to play with the sparklers.

He swears, one moment he was indoors and trying to communicate to Jirou through eye contact _alone_ that she shouldn't spill any details about anything she may-or-may-not have heard when she walked in on him and Uraraka, and the next moment, he's suddenly outside trying to convince a snickering Kirishima that _no,_ nothing happened while him and Uraraka were alone, fucking _dammit._

Oh, he's sensing a theme here.

Could his crush on Uraraka be his fatal weakness?

Or are all his friends just _jerks?_

It's probably the second one.

Yep.

Yeah.

As the future number-one hero, he can't possibly have any weaknesses.

Nope.

Not a one.

"Aww man, Aoyama. How could you buy sparklers and forget to buy some _matches?"_ Ashido whines. "Now we're actually going to have to"—Ashido frantically looks over and around her, before raising a hand up to her face as if using it as a protective shield for her next whispered word—" _study."_

It seems Ashido's under the impression that if you say the word, "Study" three times in succession, Yaoyorozu will appear and force you to memorize an entire economics textbook, or something.

Then again, knowing Yaoyorozu, she'd _probably_ actually do it.

"The matches did not _stand out."_ Aoyama huffs. "If their packaging had only been a bit more—"

"We get it." Soy Sauce rolls his eyes. "If the packaging had only been _gold_ or _silver_ or _glittery,_ then you would've actually picked it up."

Aoyama turns his smile towards Soy Sauce. "Why, yes!"

"That wasn't a compliment!"

"Hmph!" Aoyama sharply swings his face away from the direction of Soy Sauce. He abruptly makes eye contact with Katsuki. Something alights in his irises. "Who needs matches when you have—" Aoyama takes a skip. Then another. Then suddenly begins sprinting full speed in the direction of Katsuki.

Something in Katsuki's gut kicks in.

Something that tells him he better _fucking_ run.

Except, turns out that he's expended too much of his brain power today, as his fight-or-flight response didn't trigger until it was far too late.

By far too late, he means that Aoyama's already clasped onto his wrist.

"Bakugou-san!" Aoyama shouts out. "Would you please consider helping?"

At this point, Katsuki has no choice but to respond: " _Huh?"_

"Help me set these sparklers"—Aoyama takes a deep breath—"~✦◇✧ ✭✶✵✺✳︎✷✬✪✭ ✧◇✦Alight✦◇✧ ✭✪✬✷✳︎✺✵✶✭ ✧◇✦~"

Judging by the amount of stars in the guy's sentence, Katsuki instinct tells him that if he refuses his request, the guy'll go _insane._

Aoyama forces Katsuki's fist open. He places a sparkler lying flat in his palm. "Set," is the only word he says.

Katsuki looks down at the sparkler in his hand.

He looks up at Aoyama's pleading, desperate eyes.

He looks back down at the sparkler.

He thinks back to the tutoring session. How everyone else kept begging for Yaoyorozu to help them instead. How he was basically of no help no matter how much he _tried_ to be.

Katsuki pushes his hand back out, offering Aoyama the sparkler back. "It's probably better for someone else to be doing this instead."

Aoyama vehemently shakes his head, pushing Katsuki's hand away and back closer towards Katsuki. "This is something only you can do, Bakugou-san."

Upon hearing that, Katsuki awkwardly grimaces.

He's never used his quirk like this before. In fact, he's only ever used it to set _havoc._ And there are so many _kids_ around him right now that on the off-chance that something goes _wrong,_ then if his _explosion_ doesn't kill him, his _mom_ will once she sees the insurance bill.

But _fuck,_ if he backs out right now, not only will the entire class know that he's a fucking _coward,_ Uraraka will _too,_ because she's right fucking _there._

No.

Chill out, Katsuki.

It's like when you were kidnapped along with Ashido and Jirou.

Or, when you were kidnapped _by_ them.

He closes his eyes.

Okay, just think small drops of sweat. _Small drops of sweat._ Set them off one by one. _Concentrate,_ you stupid bastard.

He hears something pop.

Slowly, another pop.

It reminds him of oil sizzling on a heating skillet.

It reminds him of the sound of bubbles popping out of a freshly opened can of soda.

It reminds him of his own heart, the first time he saw Uraraka. The first time he _actually_ saw Uraraka. When he saw her on the battlefield across from him, body dripping in sweat, fierce expression on her face as she wiped the traces of blood off her lips. When he felt his heart tighten for a brief second. When _some_ kind of emotion briefly flickered in his chest like a lamp turning on for the first time — some kind of emotion he would later discover turned out to be _like._

Katsuki opens his eyes.

The first thing his newly opened eyes are greeted with is a blinding brilliance.

But then his pupils adjust, and he can _just_ make out the luminous dance of light crackling in his palms.

"~◇✦Sparkling✦◇~" Aoyama whispers beside him.

"...Yeah," Katsuki murmurs, gazing at the fallen star cradled in his palm.

Around him, the other kids begin to ooh and aah. And the voice inside his head seems to want to do that too.

He never knew there was more to his quirk than just destruction. That it could also do something small like _this._ That it could also bring light. That it could bring joy to the faces of those around him.

He never knew his quirk could be so...beautiful.

At some point while he's being entranced by his own quirk's apparent capabilities, Uraraka ambles up to him and nudges him in the side. "Something only you can do," she repeats Aoyama's words. "Not me. Not Yaoyorozu-san. Not Aoyama-kun." She faces him and smiles. " _You."_

Fuck.

Katsuki can _feel_ the tears of gratefulness beginning to well in his eyes, but he forces them back via emotional vacuuming because no fucking _way_ is he willing to subject himself to the embarrassment of crying in front of his crush not just _once,_ but _twice_ in the same day.

"Thanks, Uraraka," he finally says. "For...for everything today."

Her expression turns to that of surprise. And then it slowly eases into delighted understanding. "Any time."

"And...one more thing," he says, as the sparkler in his hand begins to die out. Looking at Uraraka dead in the eyes, he asks her what he's been wanting to for so long: "...Can you add me to the group chat?"

Uraraka giggles. "Sure!"

* * *

 **6:59 pm**

 **[Urararararararararararaka has added** Bakugou Katsuki **to the Class 1-A(pes) chat]**

 **7:01 pm**

 **[jEARou has set** Bakugou Katsuki's **nickname to** Bakagou **]**

 **Bakagou:** wtf **Jirou**. How do I reset my nickname

 **jEARou:** LOL nobody tell him **(+18 Likes) (+1 Dislike)**

* * *

 **A/N:** Like I said, idk if that was worth the wait, LOL.

But at least in this chapter I tried to write ROMANCE. But in writing ROMANCE, I forgot about writing about YAOYOROZU, so imma try to fit her in at a later time like I did with Jirou, oopsie woopsie. :(

Also, since idk if I'll even include the group chat again in later chapters (since if I'm being perfectly honest, I'm actually not too big a fan of chatfics), here's a list of chat nicknames I came up with for the sake of...joke.

Dumminari

Snapey Tapey

KirishimaaAHHH

Can't Believe He Fucking Called You Sad Toe

Ashidope

Oji-san

Sticky Balls

Babushka Koda

Sparkly mcFartly

jEARou

Great Deku Tree

"Soba is my Opium"

Urararararararararararaka

Shhhoji

Kermit

Big Bird

No Face

Iidiot

Mommy Momo

Bakagou

Also, next chapter will be YA BOI, Iida. Hopefully I'll get it out sooner than three months. If not, feel free to spam all my social media you can find. Love you all and thanks so much for your patience!


	11. This Guy Truly Is An Iidiot

**A/N:** Hey guys, I hope this chapter doesn't read like it was _too_ rushed for production, even though it totally was. I just wanted to get this chapter out in time because it's...

My birthday! And what _better_ way to celebrate my twentieth than by forcing myself to write fanfiction for the masses haha asdlfjaksljflasf

Haha, anyway, as my birthday gift to you all, I hope you can enjoy this chapter!

* * *

Today's a quiet day.

One could even say... _too_ quiet.

This... _feeling_ is one Katsuki can't quite place. It's discomforting. _Strange._ It feels like a...lack of security?

Standing on top of a rock in the middle of their indoor Legal Death Ring/gymnasium, Aizawa coughs a few times to clear his throat. "Since I know the overall demeanor of this class, let me just repeat myself: Recovery Girl's taking a five-day vacation." Another cough. "So don't go running around breaking any of your bones today." Aizawa takes this opportunity to shoot a pointed glare at Deku. "Or for any of the next four days."

"Man," Soy Sauce says, completely ignoring Aizawa's very targeted remarks. Rolling his neck around to crack it, Soy Sauce effortlessly changes the topic at hand. "That exam was _horrible._ "

"Yeah!" Ashido enthusiastically chimes in, cracking her knuckles. "I'm so glad we have training to help blow off steam!"

"What do you think _normal_ high schools kids do to blow off steam?" Pervert rather sincerely murmurs to himself.

In tandem to everyone but Pervert, Deku also begins his stretching routine somewhere off in the distance, starting with his legs. "Uraraka-san," he calls out. "What are you thinking of working on today?"

Without looking at him in response, the girl shrugs. "Dunno." And then she suddenly whips her head around to look at _Katsuki._

There is nothing on her face that should elicit such a response from him, but shivers run down his spine and Katsuki can suddenly feel _fear_ take hold of his heart.

"Bakugou-san," she shouts out from halfway across the field. "Do you wanna join us?"

 _Us?_

As in...Uraraka...and _Deku?_

"N—"

He doesn't get to finish the rest of his refusal however before she sprints over the track and grabs his wrist. Hot puffs of air blowing out her nose, her earnest expression can only be read as a: "Make! Friends! Bakugou! Kun!"

Thanks for your concern about Katsuki's dumbass venting just a few days ago, but Katsuki would like to put that time behind him. Because _feelings_ are for _chumps._

Not to mention that Katsuki was doing just _fine_ making friends on his own before. See, Jirou doesn't even click her tongue every time she senses him within half a kilometer of her anymo—

"Kacchan!" Deku's grating voice is suddenly _far_ too close to Katsuki's ears for comfort. Wait, _when_ did Uraraka manage to drag Katsuki halfway across the field? "You're joining us?" Deku asks.

"N–"

"Yes!" Uraraka grins at Deku. And then immediately turns her head to shoot a glare at Katsuki at an angle that Deku can't see. "We're. _Training._ Together."

A murderous aura begins to seep out of her soul.

Man, too bad that Uraraka can't see it, but they're truly a match made in heaven.

...Or _hell!_

Katsuki's face lights up like a fucking jack-o-lantern.

 _Ha,_ can't believe he even fucking thought that. He's such a sappy _bitch —_ why can't he go just one _hour_ without his thoughts fucking embarrassing him? Is that even that hard? To have _normal_ thoughts that don't make you want Satan to crashland into your house, shove you in the trunk of his Mustang, and then use said Mustang to drill a hole into the Earth's core all while saying, "Adios, _thots"?_

...That Satan thing is a very specific feeling that Katsuki very specifically feels right now, in this very specific situation.

"Kacchan," Deku says, "I was thinking of doing some light sparring with Uraraka." He's moved from leg stretches to arm stretches now. "Care to join us?"

"N—"

Just as Katsuki attempts his _third_ refusal of the day though, Deku begins that _one_ stretch. The one where you hold your palms out, interlocking your fingers together so that the entirety of both arms can feel a tiny burn.

 _Except_ something cracks.

"Oh." Deku awkwardly chuckles a bit. "Guess I've been studying too much lately. It must've been a while since the last time I—"

Off in the distance, Katsuki can see Aizawa's head roll around like he's some kind of monster in a B-list horror movie. As in: Aizawa's hair is halfway covering his face. But also more importantly, his eyes are glowing _red._

"Deku-kun." Her face overflowing with austerity, Uraraka firmly places a hand on the guy's shoulder. "You better run."

"Wha—"

Too late. Aizawa's already materialized behind Deku like a ghastly specter.

"Midoriya…" Aizawa growls, eyes hidden behind jet-black bangs. "What did I tell you about Recovery Girl's _vacation?"_

Teeth furiously chattering, Deku stutters out a: "N-n-n-no, Aizawa-sensei I was just _stretching!"_ He cautiously turns around to perform a very solemn jazz hands before Aizawa. "S-s-s-see! Nothing broken!"

Their teacher's frown seems to sink deeper down his face. Something tells Katsuki that the guy's not buying any of Deku's shit today. "Midor—"

"Wait!" someone shouts out from a different corner of their indoor somehow-legal-murder-arena. A different corner from the one Katsuki's standing in that's somehow _already_ inundated with dust clouds. "Iida-san! You gotta chill for a second!"

"Yeah man!" someone else shouts from that very same corner. "Just because you're _blue_ like Sonic doesn't mean you have to _run_ like him."

Ha! _Sonic!_ Good one! Katsuki's already taking mental notes to mentally use that one later.

"Aizawa-sensei!" yet _another_ person shouts out. "You gotta _do_ something! I think Iida-san's gone _crazy_ from how hard our exam was!"

"Kaminari, you are literally the _only one_ who thought it was hard," Katsuki can hear Jirou snapping.

"Aizawa-sen—!"

A sudden _thud._ Followed immediately by silence.

The dust clouds settle slowly to the ground, eventually revealing the figure of the class representative slammed sideways into a giant rock.

Another moment of silence.

" _EEEWWW!"_ Someone finally gags. "You can see his _bones!"_

* * *

"...Why did _I_ have to get stuck with the class with no self-preservation instincts," Katsuki catches Aizawa muttering beneath his breath.

Thirty minutes and five whole rolls of bandages later, and the entire class has finally figured out how to put one (1) broken arm into a cast.

(Also, it turns out that Aizawa just _happens_ to possess an infinite supply of bandages, _somehow._ Not sure where he gets it from, though. A black hole in the ninth dimension? Who knows?)

"Damn, Class Rep." Pikachu gulps, squirming in his own skin after having had to apply first aid to Sonic's bloody, gross mess of an arm. "Are you sure you're alright? Doesn't that"—the guy averts his gaze and points at the cast—"hurt?"

"I'm fine!" Sonic exclaims, not even a hint of a quiver in his voice. "I'm at fault anyway for going too fast." He nods at Aizawa. "I shall suffer the consequences of my actions until Recovery Girl is back at school."

 _Shit, this is interesting,_ Katsuki grins to himself. For _once, s_ omeone got injured through no fault of his _or_ Deku's self-sacrificing bullshit.

Spectacular.

 _Amazing._

What a _great_ fucking day to learn that he's _not_ the only dipshit in the r—

"Outdoor training is canceled from now until the time Recovery Girl gets back." Irritated, Aizawa brushes the dust off his clothing. "Honestly, I should've just canceled it the second I heard about it," he scoffs beneath his breath.

Not getting the hint, Ashido begins to whine. "Awww, come _on,_ sensei! It's not _our_ fault the Class Rep charged head-on into a boulder!"

"Yeah!" Soy Sauce joins in. "Why do _we_ have to get punished for something _Iida_ decided to—"

Aizawa somehow manages to glare at all _twenty_ of them with just his one pair of _two_ eyes, and the entire gymnasium is reduced to a pregnant, oppressive reticence. "He's your class _representative,"_ Aizawa finally says, after a minute or two. "As in someone who _represents_ your _class."_ An angry sigh. "What do you think that says about _you all_ if your class _representative_ was the first to get injured in Recovery Girl's absence?"

"...Fuck, he's got a point."

* * *

In the morning of Recovery Girl's second day of paid time off, Katsuki walks into the classroom to find a _letter_ on his _desk._

What? Did someone in the classroom finally wake up to their senses and realize what a fucking _catch_ he, Bakugou _Katsuki,_ is?

"Heh," Katsuki very _verbally_ smirks to himself. Picking the letter up, he makes an obnoxiously ostentatious _show_ out of pulling the letter contents out of its envelope. "I sincerely apologize—" Katsuki reads. He double takes. Hey, _wait_ a second. _This_ doesn't sound like a love letter at a—

"I sincerely apologize for impeding upon the class' outdoor training hours," Sato reads from the letter from his desk.

"Aww _man!"_ Pervert indignantly throws _his_ letter onto the ground, the exact way women used to to declare battle with one another. "I thought this was finally going to be a love letter addressed to _me,_ Mineta _Minoru!"_

Wait, that sounds oddly familiar.

 _Fuck,_ the higher powers that be better not have put him in the same league of human being as _Purple Pervert._

Katsuki looks around the room. Sure enough, as everyone begins slowly trudging into class, he can see there are either letters in everyone's hands or on their desks.

This is so embarrassing.

For _Katsuki._

Beside him, Jirou finishes scanning the contents of her letter. "Shit, this is some pretty bad handwriting," is the last thing Katsuki expects to hear out of Jirou's mouth about anyone other than _him,_ Bakugou Katsuki. Taking a glance at Sonic's desk, she winces. "He broke his dominant arm, huh? Poor guy."

...Poor guy indeed. As most of the other guys begin menacingly gathering around Sonic's desk, the guy must've realized the sheer amount of _hostility_ he's garnered from dashing everyone's dreams of a pure-hearted high school romance.

* * *

Man, Katsuki needs to stop mentally checking out during class time.

What did they learn? Did he even _speak_ for the entire duration of the day? What went down from 8 am to 3 pm?

Fuck if _you'll_ ever know this information, because _Katsuki_ certainly doesn't have a clue about any of that shit.

"Iida, can you take some of these boxes to the teacher's lounge?" Aizawa asks as the rest of the kids begin to file out of the classroom.

Upon hearing Aizawa's rather unreasonable request for someone who _just_ broke his arm barely a _day_ ago, Uraraka jumps in. "Aizawa-sensei, I'd be more than happy to take those for you inste—"

Aizawa crosses his arm, slowly eyeing Uraraka up and down. He pulls his scarf up past his mouth. "Fine—"

"Thank you, Uraraka-san!" Sonic suddenly butts in. "I appreciate your concern, but I already promised I would suffer the consequences of my actions!" His glasses glint passionately in the rays of afternoon sun streaming through the windows.

Uraraka frown-pouts. Like, 70% frown, 30% pout, 100% cheeks puffed. Looking around the room, her eyes land on Katsuki.

And look, _normally_ the very thought of Uraraka locking gazes with him would send Katsuki into an unfortunate spiral of lovesick delusion but _this_ isn't normal. No, it's the second time in two days that her gaze has sent goosebumps popping out like tiny molehills across his skin.

Something tells him he's _fucked._

Taking one big gulp of air, Katsuki side-steps — well, more like side- _shuffles_ — to the nearest exit.

Unfortunately for Katsuki however, there's only _one_ exit in the room and it's blocked off by Uraraka _and_ Aizawa.

Damn, you know what they call this in _the biz?_

A fucking fire hazard, that's what.

"Bakugou-san!" Uraraka clasps his hands in hers. "C'mon! Help one of our Class Reps out!" She winks at him. Add in a nudge-nudge and she couldn't be any more obvious about all this.

"N—"

"No need!" The permanent glint in Sonic's glasses prevents the fear of what help from Bakugou Katsuki would look like from leaking out of his face. Erratically moving his arms up and down, he insists, "I will be perfectly fine on my own!"

Beside him, Soy Sauce — who _somehow hasn't left the classroom yet like a normal high school kid at this time of five minutes after the end of class would_ — looks over at Sonic and says, "Are you sure, man?" He points at the guy's cast, like everyone's been doing for the past twenty-four-ish hours. "What with your broken arm and all?"

Katsuki looks at Sonic's face.

Well, more precisely, he looks at 40% of Sonic's face, since the other 60% of it is hidden behind frames.

But judging by what little of Sonic's face Katsuki _can_ read, there seems to be a general air of: "This is ableism in action."

Sonic's glasses cloud over in frustration. "No. Need." He makes a point to sharply punctuate all two of those words. "I can definitely"—he pushes his glasses farther up his face—"do this on my own."

"Dude, just let us help you," Pikachu butts in.

Wait, why the fuck is _Pikachu_ still here too?

Don't he and Soy Sauce _hate_ school? What the _fuck?_

But it seems Katsuki's a fool to have turned his gaze away from Sonic for even a moment, as the first thing his eyes are met with upon swiveling his head back around in the guy's direction is the sight of the _Class Rep_ performing a _one-handed handstand._

Legs sticking up straight as a pole, Sonic shouts out, "Uraraka-san! Place one of the boxes on my feet!"

The first instinct Katsuki has upon hearing this is to take out his phone and snap a pic. Man, Kirishima and Ashido would _definitely_ eat this shit up.

The _second_ instinct Katsuki has, however, is to check his picture and realize the flash was still on.

So the _third_ instinct Katsuki has is to take _another_ pic of this _with the flash off_ all while Sonic's blood begins slowly rushing to his head.

"Iida-san," Uraraka says, box in her arms. "You really don't have to do this." She's still the one out of all five bystanders in the room to place the box square on his feet, though.

Sonic snorts. Katsuki guesses it was supposed to sound self-assured, but a snort after two minutes upside-down sounds more like a cry for help, if anything. "Nonsense, Uraraka-san!" One short chortle, before he has to catch his breath. "I can.. _.definitely_ do this...on my own!"

And then with his nonbroken arm, Sonic begins a _hopping handstand_ out the door.

"Hup!" Sonic exclaims with every hop. "Hup!"

He only moves a few centimeters with every "Hup" and it is the most excruciating thing Katsuki has ever recorded on his phone to show Kirishima and Ashido.

"Dude, wouldn't it be easier to just carry the boxes around _upright_ and with _one arm?"_ Soy Sauce murmurs to Pikachu.

"Yeah, dude, but shut up." It seems Pikachu has also pulled out his phone now. "This shit is what I need to _finally_ become a Youtube influencer."

"Hup! Hup!"

Uraraka violently shakes her head, forcibly removing herself from her deep trance of shock. "Aizawa-sensei!" She tugs at the arm of the teacher beside her. "Can't you do anything about thi—" But when she looks at him, she finds him to _also_ be in a crystallized state of bewilderment. And then she turns her gaze from Aizawa, to Soy Sauce, to Pikachu, and finally to Katsuki, with his phone still held up and set on record.

For a fleeting moment, a disgusted expression flitters across her face. A disgusted expression that Katsuki would later go on to notice from his recordings to read as: "Men can't be fucking trusted, huh?"

"Hup...hup."

Based on the changes in his utterances, it seems Sonic has noticeably tired out by now. And, sadly, he _still_ hasn't even made it halfway to the door from where he was previously standing.

"...Hup…"

Damn, this would really be the opportune moment to sweep in and take the box out of Sonic hands—er, feet, wouldn't it?

"...h...up…"

But too bad it would be hard to grab hold of a box with _one hand,_ what with his other hand being preoccupied by holding his phone and all.

"...h...h...h...u…"

Sonic collapses on the floor.

Something very loudly snaps.

And... _end_ recording.

* * *

It is now Day Three of Recovery Girl's vacation, and if anyone, _she_ should be the one to suffer the consequences for being _selfish_ enough to leave the hands of Class 1-A to them- _fucking_ -selves.

Because _now_ the Class Rep's _one_ (1) broken hand is very much _two_ (2) after the events of yesterday.

And, not to mention, it's very much _Katsuki_ who's had to suffer the consequences of _his_ non-actions now as he trudges behind Sonic carrying a box full of _his_ Class Rep shit. Seriously, how did Katsuki get dragged into this? After all, for once in his life, Katsuki actually had _nothing to do_ with this shit. If _anything,_ Katsuki was just acting as the narrator this whole time. And who drags a _narrator_ into their messes?

Uraraka, is who.

Because after the events of yesterday, she heavily _insisted_ upon Katsuki to do something, and because Katsuki is an absolute _fool,_ he didn't understand a word coming out of her mouth but still agreed to it _anyway._

Which leads him back to _here,_ carrying Sonic's _boxes,_ and heading towards the — Katsuki reads the plague on the wall — _student council_ room.

 _Huh?_

Sonic nods his head at the door and, behind the two guys, Yaoyorozu emerges to slide the door open for them. And as the three of them pass the threshold, Katsuki slowly digests the setting in his eyes.

It's empty.

More precisely, it's dilapidated.

There are cobwebs in every corner of the room, floor _and_ ceiling. Meanwhile, the surface area of the floor is covered in a layer of dust so thick that his footsteps leave an imprint just like they might in _snow._ In the center of the room is six desks pushed facing one another, with one possessing a gavel upon it.

It looks like the last time someone was in this room, they _died_ in it.

"What time is it, Yaoyorozu-san?" Sonic asks, sitting down on the desk with the gavel.

Seating herself across from him, she replies, "3:28 pm, Iida-san." She points at a clock above the entrance.

Katsuki, meanwhile, takes this opportunity to sit at the furthest desk away from these two.

And then the three of them fall into a lull of silence, save for the ticking of the clock. Katsuki looks around the student council room again, beginning to count the number of spiders he sees.

Yeah, he's _definitely_ going to report this.

When the clock strikes 3:30 pm, Sonic shuffles in his seat. Straining against his two casts, he leans forward and attempts to gather the gavel in what little of his fingers poke out from them. Yaoyorozu, sympathetic to his plight, attempts to gingerly place the gavel between his fingertips when Sonic can't do it on his own, but the awkward weight of it causes it to simply see-saw out of his hands all five times they try.

"I just have to make some kind of loud noise, don't I?" Sonic mumbles to himself, pushing the gavel out of the way with his right cast.

 _And then he bangs his head on the desk._

...Look, there's a lot to unpack here, like the fact that Sonic just _sacrificed his brain cells for the sake of starting a student council meeting,_ but let's just start with the fact that Sonic began a meeting when _none of the actual student council are present._

(But that's not to say that him _banging his head on the desk_ isn't an important detail of today's events. No. There is definitely a _dent_ in the _desk_ now in the shape of his _forehead.)_

"Uh…" Facing Yaoyorozu — the only voice of presumable reason here — Katsuki points at all the empty desks around them. "Where's everybody else?" he asks.

She shakes her head. "What do you mean?" She points at her and Sonic. "This is it."

 **Bakugou Translation:** The fuck you mean? Are us two not good enough for you? What? Did you expect order? _Stability?_ In _this_ school? You fucking _fool._

"No, I mean…" Katsuki gulps. "Where are all the student council members?"

Sonic jumps in. "We _are_ the student council members. I'm"—he pounds his cast on his chest—"acting President and Yaoyorozu-san"—he points at the girl with the entirety of his cast—"is acting Vice President."

The fuck? Katsuki doesn't remember _voting_ for this. And out of _all_ school things, Katsuki would _absolutely_ remember a student council election, because Katsuki is actually an _upstanding_ citizen who takes suffrage _very_ seriously.

"Ah, I see your confusion," Yaoyorozu says, scanning his face riddled with concern. "There actually _used_ to be a student council here but"—she cops a quick glance at Sonic—"they don't show up anymore."

 **Bakugou Translation:** Sonic fucking killed them, didn't he?

"Why not?" Katsuki presses on.

Struggling to push his glasses up his face, what with his two casts and all, Sonic eventually relents and says, "Well, they were—"

"They simply were not interested in doing student council work anymore after seeing the workload, and propositioned to relinquish to us their positions!" Yaoyorozu anxiously butts in.

 **Bakugou Translation:** Sonic crashed all the meetings, was the only serious one out of the group, and clearly scared everyone else off by _actually_ caring about _student policy_ and _morals_ and other shit.

And it's at this point that Katsuki realizes something very important. And it's that it wouldn't be accurate to call this guy Sonic because that's not who he is.

No, just because this guy is blue _indeed_ doesn't mean he's Sonic.

Because beneath his blue exterior hides something red as blood and more sinister than darkness.

This guy isn't Sonic.

He's Shadow. The Hedgehog.

Because _this fucking guy_ has managed to command control of an entire _shadow government_ in the _under-realms of society_ represented by _this_ shitty room.

"Now, if there aren't any more questions—" Shadow looks around the room, making an uncomfortable amount of eye contact with Katsuki—"we shall commence the meeting," he declares without a moment's more hesitation.

* * *

Today marks Day Four of Recovery Girl's vacation and Katsuki's just about fucking _had it._

 _Sure,_ he didn't know what the hell happened yesterday after Shadow commenced the meeting, but he sure as _hell_ knows that Shadow ended the meeting the exact same way he started it — by _banging his forehead almost entirely open on the desk._

And _then_ this morning, Shadow had the _gall_ to drag Katsuki's splendid ass outta bed and stand outside the school gates and lecture everyone about morals and dress codes and _blah blah blah._

 _Fuck,_ Katsuki just wants to go back to sleep right now.

And _then_ Shadow not only _forced_ Katsuki to get to class thirty minutes early, but had him _type out_ and _print_ twenty copies of a survey about something entirely _stupid,_ like — Katsuki reads the paper in his hands — whether offering whole milk at a mostly lactose-intolerant school should be considered as a human rights abuse.

And _then_ during lunch, he and Shadow had to go around _correcting all the rest of the fucking exams_ and subsequently devising _information visualization_ of the most frequently missed questions. Like _really,_ isn't that _Aizawa's_ responsibility? Because Katsuki knows for a fucking _fact_ that while he and Shadow were off grading fuckloads of scantrons, _Aizawa_ was taking a fucking _nap._

The school bureaucracy is fucking awful. No _wonder_ Shadow just overhauled the whole thing and installed his own authoritarian regime.

And _then_ Katsuki had to sit through _another_ one of Shadow's shadow government meetings beginning and ending with yet _another_ fucking headbutt to the desk. Suffice to say, when they left today, the desk had been irreparably broken.

And _then..._ well, honestly, there's no more _and then's_ as of now, since Katsuki hasn't seen Shadow since the moment they went back to their dorms.

Maybe it's because Katsuki's entirely refused to leave his room ever since he had entered it, and won't let anyone in unless they can pass the minimum qualifications of having two _unbroken arms._

(On that note, Deku hasn't been let into this room either. Because Deku definitely has _some multiple things_ minutely fractured in him after making protein powder outta his bones seventy too many times.)

"Seriously, what the hell is up with him?" Katsuki asks, burning a stress ball to crisp in his hands. "Can't the guy just _chill out_ for even a second."

Kirishima gives him a look. "That's rich, coming from you."

Katsuki glares at his bitchass friend. Him and Kirishima are sitting cross-legged on Katsuki's floor, a mountain of collected (free!) stress balls between them.

"Uraraka, what do _you_ think?" Kirishima asks, smirk on his face.

And yes, Uraraka is magically here too, _somehow._

"Sorry what?" Uraraka's eyes open wide and clear up, as if she's just somehow snapped back into reality. "I'm sorry, I'm still trying to wrap my head around the whole _shadow government_ thing you were talking about."

Yeah, that's definitely one that needs some digestion time.

"I mean," Kirishima begins, puncturing a hole through a stress ball with one of his fingers, "the guy's pretty high strung. I don't think I've _ever_ seen him chill out before." He looks at Uraraka. "Have you?"

Uraraka shakes her head, using her quirk to float whatever broken remnants of the stress balls she can to the nearest trash can. "Yeah, you're right, Kirishima-kun. I've never seen him take a day off of anything. Like, not even once."

Katsuki growls. "He literally has _two broken arms."_ Right now, he literally has to stop himself from igniting his whole pile of stress balls and rendering them to dust before his very eyes. "He doesn't even have to go to _class_ at this point."

"Well, Iida-san has always been really serious about everything, but I think right now he just feels a lot of pressure," Uraraka muses.

Katsuki frowns. "What's that mean?"

Her eyes once again lock onto his. A smile creeps its way onto her face. "Why don't you ask him?" Her cheeks puff out like she has to refrain from giggling.

Her message is loud and clear: Bakugou! Kun! Make! Friends!

"N—"

"Come on, just go and ask him!" And then she shoves him out the door of his _own room._

* * *

"So…" Katsuki murmurs, somehow finding himself sitting cross-legged in Shadow's room.

Not very Sonic-themed. _Or_ Shadow-themed. Katsuki disapproves of this shit.

"Why are you here, Bakugou-san?"

 _Ha,_ that's something _Katsuki_ would like to know too. Really, why _is_ he here?

As awkwardly as can be, Katsuki says, "Just wanted to know how your"—Katsuki points at Shadow's...er... _situation_ —"arms are doing."

Shadow grimaces. "I'm _fine._ " A blast of hot air puffs out of his nose. "Now, if that's all you wanted to ask, I'll help see you out." And then Shadow attempts to nudge Katsuki out the room with his sock-covered feet.

 _Gross._

"I just wanted to—"

"Bakugou- _san._ I am perfectly _fine!"_

"N—"

"Good night!"

And for the second time this evening, Katsuki gets a door slammed in his face.

* * *

It's the final day of Recovery Girl's vacation, and Katsuki's about to start a petition to take out paid time off as an employee benefit at this fucking institution.

But more so than that, he's _insulted_ after the events that transpired yesterday. And if _talking_ to Shadow about _calming the fuck down_ doesn't work, then Katsuki presumes he'll just have to _show_ the guy how to chill the fuck out.

 **Congratulations! The title «You Giant Fucking Hypocrite» has been added to your list of skills.**

"Now, _Iida,_ just stand here and _do nothing,"_ Katsuki orders, pointing at an area near the school's main entrance, but also far enough away that Iida won't be in contact with any of the incoming students.

And yes, you heard right. Katsuki _did_ call Shadow's name by his _actual_ name, and _yes,_ he knew it all along. He just didn't want to say it in his thoughts until now out of...principle. Or something.

Look, he's had a tough few days.

Anyway, part A of the plan this morning is to have Shadow fucking _witness_ what it's like to do fucking _nothing_ and relish in the feeling.

"Bakugou-san, I—"

"Just _stand_ there."

"But Bakugou-san, I—"

"Zip it." Katsuki whips his head around, glaring at the first wave of kids approaching. His eyes burn like crimson fire. "Hey, _you!"_ he shouts out, pointing at some rando kid. "Tie your tie properly, you fucking _hooligan._ And _pull_ your fucking _pants_ up — we can see your shitty _cat-themed_ undies."

"Oof," Sato says, walking past.

"Is Bakugou-san aware of how _he's_ dressed?" Koda whispers, next to Sato. "He's not even _wearing_ a tie."

Meanwhile Kirishima, somehow _on time_ to class for once, is snickering a few meters behind them.

* * *

"And now we shall commence the meeting," Katsuki says, banging the gavel upon a small piece of the desk Shadow broke with his _head_ the other day. "What topics are we going over today?"

"It's—"

"We're currently working on a cost-benefit analysis of marking up a new area for training grounds," Yaoyorozu interrupts, giving Katsuki a thumbs up.

Katsuki returns the gesture.

All according to plan Chill-The-Fuck-Out-Dude. Mission: Interrupt everything Shadow says until he just gives up and relaxes in his fucking seat.

Great.

Amazing

There is _zero_ possibility of failure here.

But also, how does a _shadow_ council have jurisdiction over financial decisions at this school?

He looks at Yaoyorozu. Her acquiescing gaze tips him off to his desired answer.

 **Bakugou Translation:** The staff here don't give two fucks about student policy and morals and shit _either._

"In terms of cost—"

"I think the benefits far outweigh the costs here," Yaoyorozu interrupts yet again. "And if we can have Cementoss-sensei build the training grounds for us, the only cost would be buying up the land."

Katsuki nods. "Then it's settled then." He pounds the gavel on the desk. "We're buying up that land."

"But an additional cost would be—"

Man, real estate sure is fun.

* * *

"Bakugou-san!" Shadow shouts, knocking on the door to his room with both casts. "Bakugou-san!"

You'd think that bandages and shit would muffle any sound you'd attempt to make with your hands when they're fucking _broken,_ but _no,_ Shadow's successfully manages to be a loud piece of shit right now in his attempt to mow down his door.

"Bakugou-san!" the guy continues.

 _Just ignore him and go to sleep,_ Katsuki chants to himself. It's a little past his bedtime right now, after all. _Just ignore him and go to—_

Suddenly in the midst of all the banging, there's a very _loud_ knock.

Katsuki startles upright in his bed.

Did the guy just...use his _head_ to knock the door?

"Bakugou-san!" Another headbutt. "Bakugou-san!"

And because Katsuki doesn't have the insurance to cover brain cell damage, he angrily pulls the door open.

Shadow, having prepared to headbutt the door yet again, subsequently falls face first into the wooden flooring.

Damn, his nose better not be broken too.

"Bakugou-san!" Shadow yells out, forcing himself off the ground by pushing his weight onto both casts. (Hmm, that doesn't seem too smart, given the situation at hand.) "I have to speak with you today." His glasses glint in a light that totally shouldn't exist in Katsuki's 9-pm-pitch-black room.

Katsuki shuts his eyes for a second. "What do you—"

"I strongly object to your treatment of me today!" Shadow moves his two casts up and down in a hysteric frenzy. "I want to talk to you about your abhorrent behavior."

 _Huh?_

"It was extremely disrespectful of you to interrupt me so often today—"

"N—"

"See, you're interrupting me _again._ Who taught you your _manners,_ Bakugou-san? I am just trying to—"

"N—"

"Let me finish _lecturing_ you, because I have a very important—"

" _N—"_

"Bakugou-san, _I—"_

" _No,_ I want to talk to you about _your_ behavior the past few days," Katsuki finally manages to exclaim, albeit very fast so that Shadow wouldn't be able to cut him off again. "Who taught you _your_ manners?"

Upon hearing this, Shadow appears very rightfully flabbergasted. "Wha—"

"When you had _one_ broken bone, you refused any of our offers for help. And then when you had _two_ broken bones"—Katsuki's madly gesticulating now—"you still tried to do everything on your own." He points at Shadow. "Look at your forehead! There's a permanent dent in it now!"

"Bakugou-san, I appreciate your concern, but—"

"No you _don't_ appreciate my concern." Katsuki scowls, clenching his fists. "Because if you _did,_ you would've gotten the hint and just taken a _fucking break."_ Exasperated, he finally throws his hands up in the air. "You have _two broken arms,_ for fuck's sake."

Shadow's mouth gapes open. And for once, he's entirely silenced.

"We _are_ concerned. We are _all_ concerned. Quit pushing yourself to do everything you feel like you have to, because you fucking _don't._ You are _injured_ and you should be _resting,_ not doing more than before."

And then Katsuki pauses.

He rewinds time to just five minutes ago.

Ah _shit._ Fuck. Damn. _Fuck._

Katsuki just wanted to shut Shadow up so he could go back to sleep, but now he accidentally made this shit deep. _Fuck._

"I just—"

And cue the emotional backstory, why don't you?

 **Congratulations! New skill «Fourth Wall Awareness» has been gained.**

Fuck.

Shit.

Damn.

"I just"—Shadow listlessly ambles over to Katsuki's bed in the corner, setting himself down—"I have felt so much _pressure_ ever since taking on the Ingenium name."

Fucking _hell._

Now that Shadow's begun spilling his personal shit, Katsuki actually has to give him the basic decency of mentally referring to him by name now.

 _Goodbye, Sonic references,_ Katsuki laments, as he sets himself down on the bed next to _Iida._

"I had admired my older brother for so long, and now I have to live up to not just everyone else's expectations for me, but _my_ expectations of myself."

Good thing Iida isn't stopping here, because Katsuki is right now _very_ tired and is for once _more_ than happy to just be dragged along at Iida's pace for the entire duration of this whole _deep backstory stuff._

"How do I live up to the name of someone I've always felt in the shadows of?"

Fuck if Katsuki knows. He's _tired._

"What can I _do?"_ Iida turns to look at him.

Oh shit, the question wasn't rhetorical?

Katsuki frowns, trying to hardwire a _search_ function into his addled brain on how to very _succinctly_ and very _empathetically_ respond to Iida in his fucked state of mind. "Look," Katsuki already begins to say. Well, guess it's just going to be a stream-of-consciousness thesis, then. "I don't have an older brother, so I don't know what it's like to look up to a sibling." He sighs. Where was he going with this? Oh yeah. "But someone I _did_ look up to while growing up was All Might, and he was my entire inspiration for becoming a hero. He was number one in the hero world, and he made me want to grow up to defeat him and take over the number one spot." Katsuki wants to collapse into his fluffy pillow right about now. "But even at a young age, I knew this wasn't something I could achieve in just a few years. And the longer I stay at this school, the more I realize how _difficult_ the road is to achieving number one status." Ah shit. Isn't this just reinforcing Iida's fears? "Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is: you don't have to push yourself to achieve everything right _now,"_ Katsuki quickly redresses the situation at hand. "It's okay to just take things one day at a time."

Iida nods. Slowly. And Katsuki's not sure if that's because he's so tired that the world is currently moving in slow-motion, or because Iida's actually listening to his words now. "Take things one day at a time, Bakugou-san?"

"Yeah." Katsuki nods, forcing himself into a state of unblinking. Because if he closes his eyes for even a moment right now, he's going to knock the fuck out. "You don't have to be on your brother's level today or even tomorrow." Shit, he feels like he's drunkenly slurring right now. "You just have to be proud of what you've achieved at the end of each day, and before you know it, you'll eventually make it there."

"You're saying to be…" Iida rolls the thought around in his head. "I can just be proud of my small achievements throughout each day?" And then for the first time in four/five days, Iida's eyes widen, and a toothy smile slowly lights up his face. Grasping Katsuki's hands in his two casts, Iida pumps them up and down. "I never thought about it like that before. You're right, Bakugou-san!"

Ha, of _course_ he's right. He's the great Bakugou Katsuki after all.

"See, just look at _me._ I've been trying to win Uraraka over ever since she rejected me and it's been _months_ still without any progress. You think if _I_ wanted immediate results, I would still be pursuing her right now? No, I've had to learn through _personal experience_ to be glad with the little steps I've made throughout my—"

Katsuki bites his tongue.

And then he wakes up from his trance.

 **Congratulations! Your Empathy Level grew from Level 11 to Level 12.**

Suddenly hyperalert, he looks at Iida, who's gone full-on tomato red from embarrassment.

"Erase that from your memory," Katsuki demands.

"I—" Without his consent, a small bubble of laughter escapes from Iida's lips.

" _Erase that from your memory,"_ Katsuki repeats, this time louder.

But this time, Iida doesn't even attempt to console Katsuki's embarrassment, just choosing to laugh as Katsuki begins pushing him out the door.

Fuck.

This is why you can't have deep talks at 9 pm with Bakugou Katsuki.

Because Katsuki is a hot steaming mess at all hours of the _fucking_ night.

* * *

"Bakugou-san!" Iida enthusiastically runs over to Katsuki's desk a few minutes before class begins. "Recovery Girl has fixed both my arms!"

Katsuki looks over at Iida, who's proudly showing off his lack of casts.

Well, more accurately, Katsuki looks in the general _direction_ of Iida, but refuses to look him in the eyes.

Because to do _that_ after last _night_ would be fucking _embarrassing._

"I appreciated talking to you yesterday as well," Iida continues. "In fact, I've appreciated your words so much that I've written a letter of recommendation about you for Uraraka-san's consideration."

Katsuki drops everything.

Honestly, it feels like he's dropped a few brain cells while at it too.

But he's _definitely_ lost a few years of his life just from having to having those words pierce through his fucking ear drums.

 _Huh?_

"I've placed the letter on her desk, and I think she should be reading it right about—"

Iida turns to look at the desk like a normal person might if there are zero consequences involved. Katsuki _whirls_ his head into that direction like a _crazed_ person might if there are _all_ the consequences involved.

The situation is even worse than he's imagined.

Jirou's peering over Uraraka's shoulder, who's reading it with red popping out of her features and steam coming out of her ears.

Jirou looks over at Katsuki.

She locks gazes with him.

And then she _smirks._

Full on _anime_ smirks at him.

"How desperate," she mouths.

Fighting off the urge to cry, Katsuki buries his head in his arms, slumping over in his desk.

"Bakugou-san! What's wrong?" Iida ardently asks.

This guy...truly is...Shadow the Hedgehog indeed.

* * *

 **A/N:** Thank you so much for reading! I hope this chapter wasn't too awful haha. Also, since it's been a while since I've last done this, here are a few review replies:

 **CanadianBlitz:** Thank you, and I'm so glad you like this story! I will definitely be trying my best to keep this story going on for as long as I can.

 **Earl Rockwell:** Honestly, I am so super honored that my story managed to inspire your love for fanfiction again wow ajfkslfjalksf. Thank you so much for sharing your stories to the world, and I've already added it to my reading list. And since right now I'm on my spring break, I'm super looking forward to reading it in the coming days. Thank you!

Anyway, **very important announcement:** I once again have no idea who to write about next chapter, so it is once again up to you all to pick a character for the next chapter! It can be literally anyone that hasn't been done yet!

Also, please leave a review for me today, since it's my birthday after all huehuehue. No I'm jk, you don't actually have to but also, you know, I wouldn't be opposed to /bricked

Thanks so much for reading!


	12. Arcane Arts

**A/N:** Hi everyone! Thanks so, so much for the birthday wishes last chapter! You all helped make my birthday wonderful! Also, so sorry to drop off for two months right afterwards. I had...school. But now, I'm on break! So hopefully! More consistent updates! Maybe!

So I think no one on ff voted for Tokoyami, but I'm pretty sure (it would be embarrassing if I counted wrong last time) he won overall from both here and ao3, so this chapter is Tokoyami! I hope you enjoy!

* * *

This is cruel.

This is unusual.

This is...a _punishment._

And because of all three of these factors, Katsuki has come to the conclusion that Jirou is most definitely...a war criminal.

"Oh shit, that's still on the wall?" Kirishima asks. Poorly concealing a snicker, he points at Iida's _letter of recommendation_ for Katsuki very unquestionably pasted onto the wall.

Okay, so first, some context is in order.

See, what happened was that there was a corkboard in the common room. Emphasis on _was._ As in there _used_ to be. More on that later.

Anyway, after Uraraka had finished reading Iida's letter of recommendation yesterday, the insidious Jirou had _ripped_ the letter from her hands and, at the first opportunity, had taken it upon herself to _thumbtack_ the letter onto the giant piece of bulletin corkboard in the _middle_ of the _common room._

Funny.

Hardy har har.

Well, that's not what Katsuki thought of the situation, but it's very apparently what his _peers_ thought of it. Because every time some dingus dongo walked into the common room yesterday, Katsuki had to listen to yet _another_ shrill chortle _at his expense._

So after five too many laughs from his asshole classmates, Katsuki decided he had had _enough_ and _tore_ out the thumbtacks in an attempt to _expunge_ the letter from existence.

Except...when he took the thumbtacks out, the letter was still _very much attached_ to the corkboard.

See, it _turns out_ that Jirou had in fact _anticipated_ Katsuki's actions and had actually _superglued_ the letter _onto the corkboard._ In other words: the thumbtacks were merely a ruse.

This angered Bakugou Katsuki.

It quite incensed him, really.

And so a frustrated Katsuki, surrounded by the multiple taunting eyes of his multiple classmates, had decided that his dignity was already shot anyway by this point and decided the only _logical_ decision to make now was to _rip the corkboard entirely off the wall._

Thus, placing a firm grip on both ends of the corkboard and swearing at the top of his lungs, Katsuki had then _dislodged_ the corkboard straight off its attached wall and launched it off to the side and _probably_ out a window.

And that's when he learned a lesson.

A very _important_ lesson.

Well, okay, he actually learned _two_ lessons that day but who's keeping track here.

Lesson number _one_ is to never make friends. Because as a so-called " _friend,"_ Jirou now knows too much about him. Since _apparently,_ she had anticipated his actions to the extent that she had _scanned a copy of the letter_ and then superglued _that_ to the wall _beneath_ the corkboard too. And unless Katsuki wanted to deal with _another_ administrative showdown over punching a hole through _another_ school building, then Katsuki literally had no choice over this interior decorating decision besides reluctantly backing the fuck down.

Lesson number _two_ from this whole debacle is that, after having to deal with a whole day of everyone's jokes and jabs and japes over him, Katsuki has realized that Jirou...has bullied him. And because the one being bullied here is _him,_ Bakugou _Katsuki,_ he has now learned that bullying...is _wrong._

Bullying...should be illegal.

Katsuki grimaces, stalking up to the letter of recommendation superglued onto the wall.

He takes a good look at it.

* * *

Dear Uraraka-san,

I am writing to you today in the hopes that you reconsider your decision to reject Bakugou Katsuki-san's romantic pursuit of you. Because after coming to know more about him in the recent days, I truly believe he is splendidly qualified for the Boyfriend position in your life.

As you know, Bakugou-san and I are classmates. But as of yesterday, the two of us have become colleagues, for Bakugou-san has officially been inducted into the student council as our new secretary! Though it was an executive decision made entirely on my part, I have the utmost confidence in his suitability for his office after witnessing a display of his highly favorable skills, such as being proficient in Microsoft Office (including Excel).

Despite his prowess in his technical skills, I understand you may still have concerns regarding his soft skills. After all, Bakugou-san's personality can only be summed up as:

• Hot Headed

• Arrogant

• Rude

• Sweary

• Sweaty

• Bad Personality

• Bad Haircut

Even so, you should give Bakugou-san a second chance to your heart, as he also has good traits such as:

•

•

•

Without a doubt, I confidently recommend Bakugou-san to join your social circle for the reputable and distinguished position as your boyfriend. Attached is several of his headshots and other such photos, for your consideration.

If you would like to discuss Bakugou-san's qualifications and experience further, I would be more than delighted to expand on my recommendation.

Best regards,

Tenya Iida

Supreme Chief Executive Supervising Director

Yuuei

* * *

...By All Might's tremendously terrific triceps, Katsuki fucking _hates_ his new "friend" Iida.

Because those three bullet points that Iida put on that recommendation really _are_ just like that. _Blank._

Katsuki had even kindly _inquired_ about those blank bullet points later (and by _inquired,_ he means he rammed his way into Iida's room and promptly began angry-crying about Jirou's bullying) and Iida had told him that yes, those bullet points really _are_ just blank, and that Iida really _had_ just forgotten to fill them in.

At which point Katsuki had concluded that _Iida_ is _also_ a fucking bully.

Fuck, Katsuki really _should_ just transfer out at this point. In fact, he hears Ketsubutsu might have some openings right now. Yeah. Yep. Let's do that instead. Fuck these virulently violent _neanderthals,_ let's just start fresh.

"Where did Iida even _get_ all these pictures?" Ashido muses, staring intently at the letter of recommendation. "They're all so close up."

"Looks like Bakugou might've had a stalker fan since way back," Pikachu chortles, pointing at one of Katsuki's flared nostril pictures.

...That's it. Katsuki's _had_ it.

Katsuki stomps down the hallway.

He stomps into the elevator.

He patiently waits for the elevator to slowly clamber up to the second floor.

He stomps out the elevator.

He stomps down the hall.

He aggressively knocks on someone's door.

He stomps his way into someone's room.

"Teach me how to hex someone," he angrily demands.

* * *

Okay, so maybe this ^ demand ^ needs some explanation. So here's some explaination.

Once upon a time, Katsuki and Kirishima were sitting in Katsuki's room. One of them was reading manga. The other was doing homework.

Now, based on their grades (Bakugou at an illustrious ninety-seven, and Kirishima at a solid seven), you can probably guess who was doing what activity.

"Man, Bakugou, good for you," Kirishima had said, looking over at Katsuki. " _I_ want to be reading manga too!"

Katsuki had only flipped to the next page in response. "Not my fault you actually _need_ homework to understand the material in class."

That's right.

Bakugou Katsuki is at a ninety-seven percent in class and doesn't _do_ any homework.

Actually, it'd probably be more accurate to say that Bakugou Katsuki only has to sneeze on his papers for all his work to suddenly and magically be filled in.

"Ugh." With a loud grunt, Kirishima had dramatically flopped onto the desk. "What're you reading?" he had asked, voice muffled from having his face literally planted straight onto wood.

"Something about"—with a finger still left in the book to save his spot, Katsuki had closed the covers and flipped to the back to read the summary—"magic, I guess."

"Magic?" Kirishima had asked, head perking up once more. Glint of devious mischief in his eyes, he had exclaimed, "Did you know one of the kids here knows some magic too? Tokoyami! You know him?"

Katsuki had then stared him down. "Quit fucking around, _duncehead,_ and do your homework!"

* * *

And now back to the present day, with a manic-eyed Katsuki staring into the confused eyes of a bird...boy.

Upon realizing this, Katsuki backs up a little bit.

Damn, it's probably rude to go around asking how to curse people from someone who's clearly cursed himself. After all, what _else_ could explain that crow-head?

The boy looks like Big Bird, but emo.

"Uh, my apologies Bakugou," Big Bird says, already reaching for the door knob in a clear attempt to shut Katsuki out of his room as quickly as possible. "But I don't know how to hex or curse people."

Katsuki stops the door right before it can shut itself in his face, though. Hand gripping the door so tightly he can feel chunks of wood beginning to crack off, Katsuki grits his teeth in frustration. "But you know magic, don't you?"

"Come on, Tokoyami. Let's hear what he has to say," another voice in the room says. A soft snicker follows. "Don't you think this could be interesting?"

"No, Dark Shadow," Tokoyami whispers back to the...whatever the voice was. "Don't you remember what _Master_ said about messing with curses?"

By All Might, Katsuki begins to pale. Not only is Tokoyami a cursed bird-boy, but he's also an _edgelord_ with some kind of alternate persona named _Dark Shadow._

The next thing Tokoyami's going to spout out is that he has a Deviantart account to post copious amounts of unnecessary information about his OC's, isn't it?

Katsuki immediately turns on his heel, walking away as fast as possible.

 _It's okay, Katsuki. You can just figure out another way to get back at Jirou. No need to get help from weirdo over h—_

The door opens behind him.

"Bakugou, who do you want to hex?" Tokoyami asks, beak peering out from a crack between the door and its frame.

Fuck.

* * *

A bird is looking at him.

But this bird isn't Tokoyami. It's dark. And made of...shadows.

It's also popping out of Tokoyami's navel.

(Damn, this guy's quirk is like the edgier version of Aoyama's, isn't it?)

"So, Bakugou! You wanna learn how to hex someone, is that right?" Dark Shadow asks. It's too dark to see in Tokoyami's depressing, unlit cave of a room, but Katsuki's pretty sure he can hear the conniving smirk in Dark Shadow's voice. "Whaddya wanna learn, Bakugou, huh? How to give someone the flu? How to have them lose their arm in a _mysterious_ accident?" Dark Shadow is practically squealing with glee at this point. "How to _kill_ someone?"

"No thanks." Katsuki frowns, stuffing his hands into his pockets.

Really now, with the exception of giving someone the flu, he could do all those things a la quirk _without_ the need for curses.

"Dark Shadow, what did _Master_ say about killing hexes?" Tokoyami asks his creepy belly button demon.

This is the second time Katsuki's heard Tokoyami mention a "Master" and, while he's curious, he's not dumb enough to ask about it.

Dark Shadow looks at him. "You wanna know who this _Master_ Tokoyami keeps mentioning is?" he snidely asks.

"Yes."

Fuck.

What did you _just_ say to yourself, Katsuki?

"It's literally some guy on Reddit that Tokoyami looks up to called MasterofDarkness69." Dark Shadow sighs and shrugs his...wings. "How many times do I have to tell you, Tokoyami, to stop trusting every stranger online?"

"But he's the _Master_ of—"

"His username literally ends with 69."

"And so what?" Tokoyami folds his arms and looks away from Dark Shadow in indignation. "He's the _Master."_

Dark Shadow forces himself back into Tokoyami's line of vision. "Remember the _last_ time you got caught up with someone who called themselves a _Master_ on Reddit?"

Tokoyami clicks his tongue, subtly hanging his head down in shame. "ShadowMaster420 was both a fraud and a scam."

"Yeah, and _you_ fell for it."

Katsuki feels like he just walked into a married couple's argument. Except in this case, the married couple is both Tokoyami and his sapient edgelord tumor.

Katsuki's plan was a mistake.

And he's got to get out of this right now and immediately.

"Actually, Tokoyami, I think I'm good," Katsuki begins, slowly backing away. Come on, the door is only, like, two meters away from where you're standing right now. You can definitely make it. "Just realized I might get like, bad karma or something if I hex someone."

Tokoyami closes his eyes in thought for a moment. He nods. "Yes, that's correct. You could definitely be inflicted with years — if not a lifetime — of bad luck if you do choose to curse someone. It's the law of magic, after all."

Tokoyami is making this shit up, isn't he?

Katsuki knows because he just made his _own_ excuse up.

Almost at the door now, Katsuki continues, "So I think I'll just figure out another way to deal with my problems. Like...talking it out, or through therapy or something. I dunno, but I think it's pretty clear to me now that hexes aren't the answer." He's at the threshold now, thank All Might. "Okay, by—"

"Hold it right there, Bakugou," Dark Shadow says, grabbing onto Katsuki's wrist with his weird shadow wing. "You can't just get my hopes up this high only to leave me hanging like this."

"Yes." Tokoyami suddenly and mysteriously appears between Katsuki and the door. (Well, _fuck,_ there goes his exit strategy.) "While I'm against certain types of hexes, Bakugou, there are some minor hexes I can condone. Such as making your enemy sick, or bringing nightmares upon them, or—"

 _Shit,_ guess he's in it for the long haul now.

Well, whatever to get Jirou off his back, he supposes.

* * *

 **Hex #1: A Curse Upon Thine Health**

The next day, Tokoyami walks into the dining hall of the dorms with a ziploc baggy filled with a crushed, mysterious white powder.

Katsuki glares at bird-brain. "Tell me what _this"_ —Katsuki points at the baggy—"is before I call the police on you."

Hey, Katsuki may be a cool teen who's hip with the kids, but he's also an aspiring hero. And _heroes_ don't do _drugs._

At least, that's what All Might said in an interview Katsuki once watched when he was in second grade. And whatever All Might says is whatever Katsuki'll do.

"It's a potion," Tokoyami matter-of-factly says.

Katsuki whips out his phone.

"Nononononono!" Tokoyami, sweating now, wrests the phone out of Katsuki's hands before he can finish dialing in the police. "It's just a potion...you add...to someone's food"—Tokoyami heaves—"to curse their health." Tokoyami finally catches his breath, his voice shaking so hard _Katsuki_ can actually hear the guy's heartbeat. "After our talk yesterday night, I went online to buy this potion."

Katsuki's unconvinced.

Ripping the baggy out of Tokoyami's hands, he turns it around and scans the label.

"Dude." Katsuki snarls, tossing it back into Tokoyami's outspread hands with uncouth abandon. "This is laxatives."

Tokoyami's eyes glint something mysterious and angry. "No," he insists. "It's a _potion."_

Fuck, Tokoyami might just be the type of guy who thinks he's living in some kind of RPG world. He probably thinks he bought this shit off an NPC too. In fact, he probably thinks his quirk has stats, like Attack Power and Magic Power and _ha,_ look at this fucking loser over here. Only loser otaku nerds would see the world in RPG terms…

 **[Congratulations! Skill of** **«Self Awareness» has been lost.]**

"We just need to add this potion to Jirou's food," Tokoyami continues, already beginning to very conspicuously and suspiciously walk his way down the dining hall aisle.

Tokoyami approaches Jirou's table.

Katsuki's jaw gapes open at the sheer chutzpah of this stupidass bird-boy.

Tokoyami begins to engage in mild conversation with Jirou.

Katsuki is, at this point, entirely slack-jawed.

Tokoyami points at some random thing in the distance, in a direction away from both him and Katsuki.

Katsuki is speechless.

Tokoyami turns to Katsuki...and _winks._ He then pours the entire contents of his "potion" into Jirou's curry.

Katsuki immediately begins to sweat bullets — because if Jirou ever finds him out for even being an unwilling _accomplice_ to this shit (pun _not_ intended), then he's a dead fucking man.

Tokoyami walks away from the table before can turn back around to face where he was standing.

Katsuki gulps. Hard.

He needs to make his getaway right the fuck now.

"Jirou-chan! Is that curry you're eating? Wow~ that looks so good!" Katsuki suddenly hears a very familiar voice exclaim to Jirou. His head immediately whips back around in Jirou's direction.

"Can I try some?" Uraraka innocently asks the other girl.

"Sure," Jirou says, absolutely no malevolence in her voice.

Fuck, she doesn't know.

Scooping up a spoonful of curry — a spoonful of _laxative_ curry — Jirou raises it to Uraraka to feed her. A spoonful. Of _laxative curry._

And _Jirou doesn't_ _know._

If the thought of _Jirou_ consuming this 'potion' sent Katsuki into a spiraling hellfire of fear, then the utter possibility of _Uraraka_ ingesting it sends him reeling into the deepest pits of sheer, unmitigated _dread_.

Without a moment's hesitation, Katsuki _sprints_ towards Jirou and Uraraka and, in one fluid motion, _swipes_ the spoon out of Jirou's hand all while taking up the whole plate of curry in his _other_ hand, and then brings _both_ of these items to his mouth and _funnels_ it all down his throat in one thick swallow.

Not even a moment of silence later and he already regrets his decision.

 _Shit._

 **Fifty Minutes Later…**

Tokoyami timidly knocks on the door of the bathroom stall. "Um, Bakugou," he begins. "Are you alright?"

"Shut up," Katsuki groans from the other side of the stall door.

"You know…" Tokoyami's voice trails off, before it reaches a hard pause. As if he's trying to reconsider his words. Apparently, he decides to still continue. "You know, you could have just...thrown it away."

" _Shut up!"_

"S-Sorry!" Tokoyami yelps a bit in fear and regret. "I-is there anything you need, Bakugou? Like toilet paper?"

He hears another grunt come from Katsuki's side of the bathroom stall.

"Are you sure you're alright, Bakugou?"

"Does it _sound_ like I'm alright?"

"...Bakugou…"

"Does it _smell_ like I'm _**alright?!"**_

* * *

 **Hex #2: A Curse Upon Thy Luck**

"So it seems our curse upon her health didn't work," Tokoyami muses, tapping a finger on his chin as he sits across a common room table from Katsuki.

Katsuki glares at him.

Oh, that 'potion' yesterday _worked_ all right. And it had been the most _agonizing_ three hours of his life.

"So for our next hex"—Dark Shadow butts in, rubbing his wings together in a scheming manner—"we're going to curse her with bad luck!"

Tokoyami nods. "Just for this event, I've gotten a salt shaker." He places a salt shaker on the table. "And then we'll have her"—he uncomfortably winks at Katsuki—"tip over the salt shaker."

Katsuki blinks.

Bad luck being wrought by the tipping over of a salt shaker is a superstition, not a hex.

"Then," Tokoyami continues, "we'll write a chain letter about some strange convoluted story and say 'If you don't send this to 150 friends, you'll be cursed with seven years of bad luck." Tokoyami lets out a deep bellow in what Katsuki assumes is supposed to be a chuckle. "She won't be able to do it!" With a self-satisfied smirk, Tokoyami folds his arms, leans back in his chair, and goes: "I checked her Facebook — she only has _149_ friends!" He proudly places his phone on the table, as if to indicate that _that's_ where he'll message her from.

Ok, this one is just stupid. Chain emails for Katsuki always go directly to spam, and Katsuki's pretty sure that Jirou has enough sense to do that to her emails too.

"But if that doesn't work"—Tokoyami exclaims, clearly noting the dissatisfaction written all over Katsuki's face—"we'll give her an open umbrella indoors!" He firmly places a black, slightly hole-y umbrella on the table, next to the salt shaker.

Once again, opening an umbrella indoors is a superstition, not a hex.

Clearly a little desperate for approval now, an anxiously sweaty Tokoyami continues, "We'll have her break a mirror." He then flings a mirror onto the table, next to the umbrella.

Katsuki is starting to notice a theme here…

Also, in what context would they be able to engineer a way to "have" Jirou break a mirror?

"We'll get her to walk under a ladder." Tokoyami somehow materializes an entire, several meters tall _stepladder_ and places _that_ on the table too.

Where the fuck is he _getting_ these things from? A black void in space? The ninth dimension? From the higher powers that be, themselves? Katsuki doesn't _understand_ where he could have hidden this stepladder, because he sure as hell didn't see it while walking into the common room.

"We'll get a black cat to walk across her," Tokoyami says, lifting up a squirming black cat by its armpits. He places _that_ on the table, too.

What the...fuck?

Where—?

The black cat meows on the table. And then it promptly begins to pounce everywhere on the white, plastic-y surface.

"No, Blacky!" Tokoyami squeaks.

Katsuki sees that Tokoyami has the same naming sense as Uraraka and Koda in their naming of a brown dog "Coco."

At this point, Tokoyami begins circling the table like a big sumo wrestler, trying to catch the clearly agitated and stray Blacky.

Blacky, agile as she is, clearly has the upper hand though.

Just as Tokoyami begins clambering onto the table with his arms wide open to catch her, she leaps under and between his legs, emerging on the other side.

"Bakugou! Help me out, would you?" Tokoyami exclaims.

Well, typically Katsuki isn't one to help anyone. Especially when no one's watching to see whether or not he is indeed a good, friendly boy. Katsuki yawns.

Still on the table, Tokoyami clumsily lunges at the cat, but she leaps backwards out of his grip, only to trample over his fallen corpse in the immediate aftermath.

"Bakugou, please…" Tokoyami softly murmurs, his voice muffled from being planted face-first into the table.

Katsuki scowls.

This...is stupid. And let it be known that Katsuki has wanted _no part_ in this.

Rising up and off of his ass, Katsuki reluctantly climbs his way onto the table just as Tokoyami begins slowly pushing himself back up.

Now a team of two, the both of them each make their way to an end of the table, squatting down and out-stretching their arms in preparation to catch this dumb feline.

Blacky meows, squinting her eyes.

 **3...2...1...GO!**

Tokoyami lunges arms-first, diving into the center of the table. But Blacky knows his tricks by now. Leaping high and performing a backflip mid-air, the cat lands square on the guy's head. She gives a self-satisfied mew.

Clicking his tongue, Katsuki thrusts himself into the fray now, landing on top of Tokoyami. He feels four paws crawl around on his back.

Little fucker.

"Get off of me," Tokoyami grunts at Katsuki.

"Get out of under me, then," Katsuki grunts back.

The cat paws at Katsuki's explosion of hair and purrs a few times.

She's... _laughing_ at him.

All of Katsuki's limbs go limp at this point. Really now, his life has never hit such a low. First Jirou, then Iida, and now even a _cat_ is bullying him. What has he done to _deserve_ this maltreatment?

(Hint: a lot.)

Pushing his arms up, Tokoyami shoves Katsuki's festering carcass off his person, leaving Katsuki to emotionally rot on his own in the corner.

"Don't think you've got the best of me, Blacky!" Tokoyami declares, lunging once again at Blacky.

She merely sidesteps him, letting out a yawn.

Tokoyami tries again. She crawls up his arm, onto his shoulder, and swats his face with her paw. Then she leaps off and behind him.

"Bakugou," Tokoyami finally cries out. "Seriously, _please_ help me out here."

"Why don't you ask Dark Shadow to do it for you?" Katsuki scoffs, still lying down on the table as his mind continues to reel over how everyone's recent tormenting of him.

Tokoyami hesitates. "Dark Shadow…" Tokoyami awkwardly laughs. "Dark Shadow is, uh...he's allergic to cats."

All the way from a distant corner of the room, Dark Shadow begins screeching, "Get that thing away from me!" He folds himself deeper into the corner and cowers. "If it touches me, my sneeze has the destructive power of a nuclear bomb!"

Katsuki hates this.

He hates them.

He hates himself.

Together, they're three bumbling buffoons being bested by a fucking _cat_ and it's the most disgraced his dumb ass has ever been.

Rising up and out of his self-pitying misery, Katsuki gets back up on his feet and glares at the damn feline. Because no _way_ is he letting his day end in _this_ level of dishonor.

Slowly, _angrily,_ Katsuki begins to plod towards that damn cat — _Blacky._

And then, all of a sudden, his foot lands on something oddly smooth and oddly slippery and _definitely_ not the table.

It all happens so fast.

Suddenly, Katsuki slips, and only a minute after it happens does he realize what it was he slipped _on_ — Tokoyami's stupidass phone for his stupidass email chain, the _bastard._ But during that moment of not-having-yet-realized-what's-going-on, Katsuki slip-and-slides _on_ the phone and _through_ the table and then _under_ the stepladder that's _still inexplicably on the table for some damn reason._

"Bakugou, no!" Tokoyami yells out a little too late as Katsuki emerges from the other side of the ladder.

The phone beneath his foot lands him into something.

"Bakugou, _no!"_ Tokoyami yells out again, sweating in fret as his gaze drifts down towards Katsuki's feet.

Katsuki feels a sharp pain in his right foot. He looks down.

Well, apparently he's just added a new accessory to his shoe in the form of a broken mirror jutting out of the sole.

At the other end of the table, Blacky snidely meows, crawling onto something black on the table.

All of Katsuki's muscles tense up. That shit _better_ not be what he thinks it is—

"Blacky, Blacky, no." Tokoyami puts his hands up. "Don't do it."

Blacky paws at a button of the umbrella, taunting him.

"Blacky, please don't do it." Tokoyami lifts his arms now in a surrendering position. "I give up, okay? Just _please_ don't do that."

She sneezes. Slowly lifting her paw, she backs away.

And then she charges at the umbrella.

Pouncing at it, she uses the full weight of her body to land on top of the umbrella and it opens with unmitigated force, shooting out from under her. Though it only slides a few centimeters forward, it's all the centimeters and power it needed.

At this point, Tokoyami seems to be yelling in slow motion as he rushes to that end of the table while desperately pawing at the air. " _Noooooooo!"_

The salt shaker tapped by the tip of the now-opened umbrella begins to tip back and forth. Back and forth. Back. And. Forth.

Katsuki hitches his breath.

It tips forward.

Leans back.

And then it collapses onto the table, spilling some of its contents.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Tokoyami exclaims, gingerly cradling the fallen salt shaker in his hands. Looking around at the cracked phone, the ladder, the opened umbrella, the broken mirror lodged into Katsuki's shoe, and finally back at the salt shaker, Tokoyami cries out, "This is going to be at least 10 years of bad luck!"

Blacky seems to snicker a bit before pouncing out an open window.

* * *

 **Hex #3: A Curse Upon Thy Land**

Katsuki sighs. "Is this really necessary?" Doesn't stop him though from placing down yet another plastic cup half-filled with water.

Kneeling down in front of Jirou's door together, the two of them are working on hex numero three today.

"Yes." Tokoyami nods with vigor as a hellfire of vendetta rages in his eyes. It seems the kerfuffle with Blacky ignited something in the boy yesterday. "We'll surely get Jirou _this_ time."

It seems Tokoyami has misplaced his anger.

Katsuki raises his pitcher and fills yet another plastic cup with water, gingerly placing it down. "I don't understand how this is a curse," he says.

"Simple." Tokoyami places two more cups on the ground. "Once she walks here, she'll have to carefully make her way through the cups! Else, if she spills enough cups, she might end up slipping!"

Katsuki stops pouring water for a second. He looks at Tokoyami. "But that's not a hex." He grimaces. "That's just a prank, bro."

"No." Tokoyami furiously shakes his head. "It's definitely a hex."

Dark Shadow, who's also helping out, looks at Tokoyami. "Yeah, I'm with Bakugou on this one." He places a cup down. "This definitely can't be considered a hex."

Tokoyami scowls at the two of them, obviously feeling betrayed. "No!" he stubbornly refutes. "It's a _hex._ Water has damaging capabilities, you know?"

Katsuki almost chokes on his own spit in shock. "No, Tokoyami!" He angrily sets down yet another cup. "Any dumbass in the seven seas would know that water is supposed to have _healing_ properties!"

Tokoyami defiantly squints at Katsuki. "Says who?"

"Says _literature tropes_ and also _every time your dehydrated ass has ever needed water."_ Katsuki reaches over to shake some sense into bird-brain, but hesitates, realizing he might knock over a few cups by accident in the process.

"No…" Tokoyami scoffs, sounding half unconvinced of himself. "That's...nonsense…" He folds his arms in an awkward act of defiance.

"There's no way _water_ is used in _black magic_ to _hex_ someone," Katsuki continues.

"Yes, it—"

"No, of _course_ it doesn't—"

"Look, if she slips on the water and subsequently injures herself, then it would be suffice to say water has injurious stats—"

"Listen here, you RPG-headed little fu—"

"What are you two _doofuses_ doing in front of my room?" Jirou asks, looking down at the two of them in contempt, as their arms are wrapped around each other's throats. "I'll give both of you just one minute to explain yourselves."

"Uhhh…" Tokoyami's voice trills.

"Uhhhhh…" Katsuki's voice harmonizes with Tokoyami's in a higher tone.

The two of them immediately book it.

* * *

 **Hex #4: A Curse Upon Thy Slumber**

"So, remind me again how this is supposed to work," Katsuki hisses at Tokoyami, shivering as the midnight cold sinks its teeth deep into his skin.

For context, the two of them are seated uncomfortably upon Black Shadow's sort-of-back as the belly button demon flies the two of them to the dorm's third floor.

Why, you might ask?

"We're going to sneak in to Jirou's dorm and play this"—Tokoyami whips out his slightly cracked phone—"cursed song in her ear while she's sleeping." He painstakingly opens a YouTube app, presses on a video, sits them _both_ through a minute-long, unskippable ad, and puts them _both_ through the misery of _Baby Shark._ "If you set this song to 0.25 speed, it's _guaranteed_ to induce nightmares." He nods his head. "I tested this theory once on myself and I certainly had the scariest dream that night!"

At times like this, Katsuki questions Tokoyami's knowledge of the arcane arts.

Actually, at times like this, Katsuki questions Tokoyami's knowledge, _period._

As the two of them plus Dark Shadow reach the window of Jirou's room, they all hitch a collective breath.

"Bakugou, could you pry open the window?" Tokoyami jerks his head towards the window.

Katsuki scoffs. "Do it yourself. This was _your_ idea, after all."

"Can't." Bird Boy frowns. "I'm already busy carrying all of _your_ weight." He points at Dark Shadow. And then he points at Katsuki's ass _sitting_ on Dark Shadow.

Katsuki hates this. Katsuki hates _him._ How _dare_ he say something literal that's also a burn? That's not even _remotely_ fair.

" _Fine."_ He scowls. One hand wrapped tightly around Dark Shadow's torso, he leans the other way, trying his best to reach the window. "Get closer, would you?" he hisses again.

Dark Shadow floats just a little bit closer to the window. And then closer still until Katsuki's palm lies flat on top of the window pane.

He taps on it a bit. Looks at the wood paneling. He turns to Tokoyami with a blank expression on his face. "Wait, how do I open this?"

Tokoyami blinks. Something in Katsuki's head alerts to him that Tokoyami's mentally calling him an idiot. "Just explode it a bit, or something."

Katsuki's in disbelief. Now it's _his_ turn to mentally call _Tokoyami_ an idiot. "Wait, wasn't the plan to _not_ wake her up?"

"I...well, yes—"

"So you want me to set off an _explosion?_ And somehow _not_ wake her up?"

"Well, you can, can't you?"

" _Huh?_ Do you even _know_ how explosions work?" Katsuki gesticulates wildly, charading an explosion. "They're loud as hell!"

"Yes, but can't you make it quiet?"

"Are you even listening to—!"

"Can't you just _try?"_

Katsuki glares at Tokoyami. How _dare_ bird-brain take advantage of Katsuki's refusal to be a bitch baby _quitter_ and manipulate him in this way?

Growling the way wolves do when you encroach on their territory, he inspects the window again. You know, now that his eyes have adjusted a bit to the light, he can see that this window is made of wood.

Wait, shit, he already knew that.

Okay, if he touches the window a bit, he can see there's some kind of jiggle here. Well, it's made of wood, not jello, so it'd probably be more accurate to say that there's a panel here that's not quite as up to standard as its surrounding brethren.

Katsuki takes a deep breath. He traces a finger over the wood paneling, coating it in his sweat. And then he begins setting off one tiny explosion after the other.

It's quiet, yeah, but it also takes forever.

And that's when Katsuki realizes: he's not one for patience.

Typically.

Usually.

Whatever, he really isn't.

Placing his hand on the very right of the window, he fingers around until he finds a hinge.

Bingo.

He blasts it off. Then finds another hinge. And blasts that one off too.

The window, now unstable, leans itself into the room.

Katsuki looks back at Tokoyami, who nods back at him. Carefully, the two of them push the window in a little, and then make their way off of Dark Shadow's back and into the room.

"Get the video ready," Katsuki whispers to Tokoyami, the two of them tiptoeing over to Jirou's bed. "This is gonna be _so_ good."

Well, it normally wouldn't be, but he's already spent too much effort getting here for it _not_ to be.

Then, Katsuki's foot catches on some kind of cable in the dark. "Damn it, it's still a bit hard to see," he mutters.

"Oh yeah? Would this help?" Suddenly, all the lights turn on, revealing a cross-legged, arm-folded Jirou sitting on her bed like the terrifying pimp she _knows_ she is. "I _knew_ you two clowns were up to something."

"What?" Tokoyami exclaims in a whisper. "Were my calculations off? How'd she know."

Jirou scoffs at them, pointing at her earlobes. "I heard you two from a kilometer away." She shrugs. "Actually, I also heard you two making your plans during lunch."

Katsuki looks at Jirou. He looks at Tokoyami. He looks at Dark Shadow.

He's already suffered _enough_ humiliation today. "Okay, fine, Jirou. You win. Tokoyami, let's g—"

"No, wait." Jirou holds out an open palm. "You know what this is, right? Trespassing and property damage" Letting out a long whistle, she pulls out her phone. "I'm reporting you two to the feds."

Tokoyami and Katsuki look at each other.

They look back at Jirou, who's already punching in the numbers.

"Hello? 119? Yeah, I'd like to report—"

"W-wait, Jirou–"

"Nononono _nononononon_ _ **ononononononoNONONONONO—!"**_

* * *

The two of them barely escaped arrest by the skin of their teeth yesterday. And by that, he means that the police were asleep last night for some reason and didn't pick up the phone. And also by that, he means he had to provide Jirou with a shitton of blackmail fodder and childhood photos of himself for her to stop threatening his livelihood with the prospect of jail.

Sighing as he enters the common room, Katsuki internally wails a bit that maybe, all this time, _he_ was the one getting cursed all along.

"Bakugou-kun!" A rather familiar voice suddenly pulls him out of his mental anguish. "Come here!" Something pulls his hand and subsequently his entire body into the kitchen area. Then all of a sudden, he's five centimeters away from Uraraka's face.

Katsuki's face goes entirely red. "W-W-Wha—!"

Uraraka's hand shoots out, covering his mouth with her palm. One finger lifted to her mouth, she hushes him.

Katsuki stiffly looks around, noting how Iida and Tokoyami are somehow _also_ here, taking refuge behind the counters. Their eyes are all facing one direction.

With Uraraka's hand still on his mouth, Katsuki follows their line of sight to the middle of the common room, where Jirou and Pikachu are standing in front of each other.

Pikachu, awkwardly rubbing the back of his head and sweating just a _tad_ too profusely, begins with a: "H-Hey, Jirou."

"What's up?" Jirou looks around her with an unusual amount of naivete. "Why'd you call me here?"

"I-I...um...well…" Pikachu stammers, unable to look her in the eyes. "I—"

"Yeah?" Using both of her hands, she lifts his cheeks and forces Pikachu's gaze directly onto her. "Did you need something?"

"W-Would you…" Pikachu gulps. He shuts his eyes.

"Would I what?" Jirou continues. A snide smile makes its way onto her face. Oh no. She's bullying him now _too,_ isn't she. "Would I...rather be a shark or a dolphin?"

"N-no, Jirou! Would...would you—"

"Would I...like to strike a deal with you and your pyramid scheme?" She smirks.

"No! Would—"

"Would I become the supreme overlord of this dimension?"

"W-Would you **go out with me?"** he finally shouts.

"Why, yes, yes I—" Jirou blinks. She stares blankly at him, unable to process what just happened. "Huh?"

"Yes!" Iida pounds his fist on the counter beside Katsuki.

"Shh!" Uraraka hisses at the boy, one of her hands _still_ cupping Katsuki's mouth.

As Katsuki looks on at a still anxiously quivering Pikachu in front of an incredibly bewildered Jirou, Katsuki glances over at Tokoyami.

Oh shit, maybe the two of them really _did_ manage to curse Jirou _after_ all.

* * *

 **A/N:** Thanks so much for reading! Next chapter is going to be Bakugou, Iida, Uraraka, and Tokoyami stalking Jirou and Kaminari on their date 8D

Yeah, I...well that already sounds like it's going to be a mess, haha. The end of this chapter was based off of several requests for Jirou and Kaminari to get together at some point! So, feel free to keep sending in requests! Maybe they'll make it in C:

 **Also very special announcement:** Because ff doesn't support me inserting images within a fic, I just wanted you all to know that I made actual graphics of Iida's recommendation letter (there's an extra page of it). So if you want to witness it in its full glory, go to pisces-royalty dot tumblr dot com to see it! You might have to click on them for higher resolution though.

Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed, favorited, and followed! You all mean so much! I'm going to reply to all of last chapter's reviews here!

 **treyalexander63917:** I did Momo a few chapters ago, but Tsuyu will definitely be soon!

 **Beluuh:** Thanks so much for the birthday wish! And thanks so much for loving my story! To be perfectly honest, I don't currently have any plans for something with Bakusquad, but if you have any situations, I'm all ears! Also, there's still quite a few chapters left, so there's still time for me to have an extremely wacky situation involving Bakusquad come to me in my dreams. LOL.

 **Eruanna6898:** Thanks so much for the birthday wishes, and I'm so glad I always make you laugh!

 **FidgetyFerret:** Wow, I'm so honored that this is one of your favorite fics! I'll work harder so that I can keep up the pace! Thanks so much!

 **FreelanceWriter365:** I'm so glad you found this fic, too! I'm so glad you find it hilarious, thanks so much!

 **prettykittyluvsu:** Thank you so much for the birthday wishes, and I'm so glad you like this fic!

 **Tasia'sENDLESSDreams:** Thanks so much for the birthday wishes! The next chapter is gonna be Kaminari, but the one following will be either a special chapter ;) or Tsuyu, since she seemed to be a popular vote! And LOL. Bakugou really is about to throw himself over a cliff at this point, poor boy. Honestly, because you mentioned clout, now I just imagine Bakugou and Tsuyu wearing gold chains and acting swaggy, and honestly, if that ain't a mood.

 **CanadianBlitz:** I'm so happy you liked the last chapter that much, it makes me so happy! I hope you liked this chapter ;) With the random blond ;) And Jirou ;) Unless you meant Bakugou himself and Jirou. In which case, I sometimes ship them too in this fic but I think my readers would get mad at me if I made them endgame LOL.

 **TheSilverHunt3r:** I'm so glad you liked the chapter and that Iida's antics somehow all made sense, haha. And thanks so much for suggesting future mentions of the student council. I think that'd be super fun to work with, too, so I'll definitely figure something out!

 **Hobbes:** I already sent you a pm a while ago, but thanks so much for the art and the birthday wishes! They mean so much to me, thanks so much!

 **joyzzz:** Thank you so much, I'm so glad you like the story!

 **Earl Rockwell:** Thanks so much for the birthday wishes! I think partially because of this review also, I ended up deciding to add in what Iida's letter of rec actually contained. I originally wasn't planning to do that at all, actually. So thanks LOL!

 **Guest:** Thank you so much! I...I don't know if there are any special techniques, but I'm so honored that you find this fic good! Thanks so much, it means a lot to me! If you really wanna learn from me, my advice would be to just write whatever you like, and to keep writing no matter what (looks at my month-long hiatuses...haha).

 **Sarah Usher:** Okay, this review made me smile so much, so muchas gracias (unfortunately, I don't speak Spanish, sorry). Agh, but I'm so glad you find this fic precious! That really makes me so happy, because I consider this fic more like a sitcom than a fic LOL. But I'm so glad I'm able to make you both laugh and cry with this fic, that genuinely make me so, so happy ah! Since you also mentioned wanting to see the Bakusquad, I'm definitely going to try my best to get into that because I'm sure a lot of chaos would ensue as a result. Thanks so much for this lovely review that warms my heart as well as the birthday wishes!

 **inumaru-kyome:** Thanks so much, I'm so glad you like this fic! I'm so happy you find it both funny and heartwarming, that's everything I want this fic to be haha!

 **KinkyAnonymously:** Okay, honestly, your review made me laugh a lot. But as evil as it may make me sound, I'm glad I was able to make my readers cry, because at least that means I was doing something right with my emotional whiplash, LOL. Thanks so much for reading!

 **kaira2004:** Wow, I'm so happy you find this story amazing! Thanks so much! I'm so glad you found this story too, and that I could make you laugh! That's such an honor, thank you! Tsuyu won't be in the next chapter, unfortunately, but definitely soon!

Okay, I think that's everyone. Once again, thanks so much for all the birthday wishes, for all the reviews, and for reading and following this fic! I can't wait to see what shenanigans ensue once they start following Jirou and Kaminari's date 8D


	13. First Date

Katsuki has no idea why he's here.

Actually — to be perfectly honest — he doesn't even know where "here" _is._

He looks around, taking everything in. And that's a...whole lot of everything. Leopard prints litter the bed sheets. The bookstand is cluttered with weird and ugly newsboy caps that Katsuki's about 70% sure no one in a million years would ever deign to wear. There's a zebra stripe curtain covering the window.

All these factors have led to Katsuki feeling the urgent need to leave right now, immediately.

He eyes the door, noting that there are...one...two...three… _four_ bodies he would have to crawl under to get to the exit.

One of which belonging to Uraraka.

And because he doesn't want to _die_ today...well, there goes his escape plan, he supposes.

"So, _wait,_ I don't get it," Pikachu says, squinting a little in his confusion. "Did she agree to go on a date or not?"

"Well," Iida answers, erratically waving his arms up and down, "she clearly said yes."

Tokoyami shakes his head at Iida. "The yes was in response to her own hypotheticals, so—"

"—Yeah, it's a no from me," Dark Shadow finishes.

"Hold on," Uraraka chimes in, scrolling furiously through her phone. "Jirou's a bit confused, and you know how dishonest she can be with her feelings sometimes." Everyone around her collectively and simultaneously bob their heads in agreement. "But…"—hastily texting something back to someone, Uraraka finally looks up from her phone with glee—"I think she might be up for a date!"

Iida and Pikachu let out a loud _whoop_ of cheers, high fiving each other in their excitement.

Meanwhile, Tokoyami and Katsuki shoot a wary look at one another.

Jirou really _did_ just curse herself, didn't she?

"Wait, wait, wait!" Pikachu shouts, holding his hands out to force a momentary pit stop on all the celebratory behavior. "Where's the date gonna be?"

Upon hearing this, Uraraka facepalms. Katsuki is openly slack-jawed at this dumb kid. Tokoyami is blankly staring at Pikachu with one eyebrow raised, all while Dark Shadow seems mentally halfway between an eyeroll and a jeer.

Iida, meanwhile, has entered pedagogue mode.

Pushing his frames stiffly up his nose, Iida lectures, "Shouldn't you have planned out a time and location _before_ asking her out on a date?"

"Dude, she's _Jirou."_ Pikachu vigorously shakes his head. "I don't even _know_ how I got this far." Ruffling his hands through his hair, he wails, " _Shit,_ what do I do from _here?"_

Iida sighs, furiously tapping his fingers on his arm in thought. "Let us ponder upon this dilemma for a moment. How many of us have ever asked anyone on a date?"

The whole room falls silent.

Fidgeting around with her fingers, Uraraka tries her best not to look up. To her left, Pikachu is whistling with his hands resting on his neck, awkwardly doing his best not to look in any particular direction. Tokoyami, meanwhile, licks his...beak, practically staring a hole into the floor. This, while his demon companion, Dark Shadow, has to hide himself in the corner to poorly conceal his snickering.

Student Council Shadow President _Tenya Iida_ is staring straight ahead at Katsuki.

"Bakugou-san," Iida practically shouts. "What has your experience in asking Uraraka-san out been like?"

...Katsuki has no idea how Iida has lived this long being _this_ obtuse.

"I...wha-" Katsuki looks around, whole body flushed so pink it would put even _Ashido_ to shame. "I...I…" he looks at Uraraka, who's refusing to make eye contact with him. "I...I would like to consult my lawyer," he weakly concludes.

"Dude, what?" Pikachu blankly asks.

"His lawyer?" Dark Shadow suddenly perks up, throwing in a rapid fit of giggles for good measure. " _Well_ "—placing one shadow wing on his shadow chest, Dark Shadow proclaims—"that'd be-a _me,_ Dark-a Shadow! And as his lawyer making an official statement, I would just like to say: My client won't be any help in this matter, since he has no prior experience in _successfully_ getting a girl to go out with him."

Katsuki glares at his shadow demon "lawyer."

First of all, he didn't consent to this.

Second of all, he doesn't know quite know the legality of lawyers making "official statements" without having first consulted their clients, but he sure as _hell_ knows it ain't ethical.

"Hey, don't give me that look," Dark Shadow whines. "You're gonna have to pay up if you'd like another official statement from me, lad." He casually extends an open wing. "Can't run a business for free, ya know."

"Ugh," Pikachu groans, pulling both Dark Shadow and Katsuki away from their (unwilling, on Katsuki's part) roleplay. "Why would I ask _Bakugou_ for help _anyway?_ Like Dark Shadow said, he's only ever been _rejected_ by his crushes. Like, it's a 100% rejection rate right now!"

Katsuki wants to curl up into a ball and cry himself a pool of tears. If he's lucky, maybe he'll drown in it too.

But upon hearing Pikachu's less-than-kind words, Iida glances over at Uraraka. "I can correct that, if you will," Iida confidently declares. Whilst vigilantly maintaining eye contact with her, he fists around in his jacket pocket until his hand lands on what he's been presumably looking for. Pulling out a crumpled up wad of paper, he slowly, _painstakingly_ unfurls it, directs the contents of the paper towards Uraraka, and points at it.

It's a scanned copy of Iida's _letter of recommendation._

Katsuki has never wished for the sweet release of death more than at this very moment.

"Give that shit a _rest,_ would you?" Chagrined, Katsuki aggressively swipes the letter out of Iida's hand. Taking a brief glance at it again, Katsuki grimaces.

And then he tosses it into his mouth and begins hastily chomping down on it as if he had paper shredders for teeth.

"Bakugou," Dark Shadow reprimands. "As your lawyer, I strongly advise against destruction of evidence."

Pikachu groans, rubbing his temples in irritation. "This is getting me nowhere," he mutters.

Katsuki scowls, bits of paper stuck between his teeth. "Look, Pikachu…"

" _Pikachu?"_ Pikachu looks him dead in the eye, disbelief coursing through his irises. "Do you not know my _name,_ Bakugou?"

Katsuki opens his mouth for a brief second. He closes it. He opens it again, this time with decidedly less uncertainty. "Look, _Pikachu—"_

"My name's _Denki."_ The guy looks, if anything, more upset than he is offended. "Kaminari _Denki,_ " he repeats.

Katsuki blinks at the guy. He acquiesces. "...Look, Denkective Pikachu—"

Whipping around to face Iida again, Kaminari cries out, "You're saying that _this"_ —he angrily points at Katsuki—"is my best bet at landing a date with Jirou?"

Iida rubs his chin for a second, deliberating. "...Yes," he rather hesitantly concludes.

"No." Kaminari shakes his head. "No, no, _wait."_ Large pout on his face, Kaminari points at Uraraka, and then at himself, and then _back_ again at Uraraka. "How come you remembered _Uraraka's_ name just _fine_ since the sports festival?"

"Well—"

"What do you mean, ' _Well?'_ Sure, you may have fought _against_ Uraraka, but"—Kaminari's voice has raised nearly two whole octaves at this point—"I was on your _team,_ dude. Remember—"

"No—"

"What? Fuck you and your _no._ I literally _carried_ you on my _back,_ you ungrateful bastard—!"

Katsuki calmly holds his hands up. "No, man. Let's look at it this way." Pointing a hand at both an awkwardly blushing Uraraka and a ruffled Kaminari, Katsuki continues, "If we compare faces, whose is more memorable?"

The room falls silent, everyone taking a moment to formulate their answer to such an abrupt pop quiz.

Iida raises his hand. "I think—"

"That's right, it's mine." Katsuki lays a hand on his chest and graciously bestows upon his audience a cocky grin.

"...Where can I file my letter of resignation as your personal lawyer?"

"AGH!" Kaminari shouts, eyes nearly bulging out of his head in his impatience. "Fuck all this! I'm just gonna do it!"

Tokoyami turns his head. "Do wha—"

Phone already pulled out in his hand, Kaminari punches in a few numbers and presses the call button. The dial tone rings twice before the receiving end picks it up.

In just a split second, Kaminari's face has remarkably drained itself of all color. Eyes wide and mouth slightly agape, he's desperately licking his lips in an attempt to gain some semblance of moisture back into lips so chapped they're basically the texture of tree bark. "H-Hey," Kaminari nearly whispers into the phone, voice croaking. "W-What's up?" His mouth is saying one thing, but his _eyes_ are saying he's fucked up.

"Huh? Kaminari?" the person on the other end of the phone asks. "What're you calling me for?"

The other person on the phone sounds like Jirou.

Oh.

No wonder Kaminari looks like he's just been hit by the five stages of grief all at once.

"You know we live on the same floor, right?" Jirou continues into the receiver. "Couldn't you just come talk to me in person?"

"I-I-I…" Kaminari begins mouthing nothingness into the air. Trembling, he turns his terrified, anxiety-ridden face to all the others. " _Why am I calling her?"_ he mouths to them.

Katsuki shrugs. Meanwhile, Dark Shadow is pounding his fist on the wall, trying his best not to laugh out loud.

But then, unexpectedly rising from this situation like a phoenix from the ashes, Iida — with a never-before-seen amount of vigor — huffs a little and uses both his arms to form a D. And then an A. And then a…

"Oh!" Kaminari nods, confidently flashing a thumbs up at Iida. "YMCA!" he shouts into the phone.

Uraraka draws in a deep, _long,_ incredibly exasperated breath.

"Uh...what?" Jirou very understandably asks this numbnut.

Furrowing his eyebrows, Iida mouths at Kaminari, "That's not what I was trying to say!"

"Well, you were doing that thing with your body!" Kaminari angrily mouths back. "What else was I supposed to assume?"

"Hello?" Jirou's voice cuts through the oppressive energy in the room. "Kaminari, you still there?"

Now with newfound determination, Iida makes direct eye contact with Kaminari. "Read. Carefully," he mouths.

Once again, holding one arm straight up and curving the other arm into it, Iida makes a D with both his arms. Then he collapses them above his head to form a triangle as an A. Sticking out both his arms now, he T-poses for a T. And then he pauses for a second. One arm over his head, he points _both_ arms towards the right. And then he _kicks_ his leg out facing the same way, resulting in a position Katsuki can only assume to be an E.

"Uh…" Kaminari frowns, squinting at Iida while the clockwork of his brain slowly begins to spin. "D-Da-Dance?" he stutters out. The second he does, even _he's_ caught off guard.

"What?" Jirou asks. "What dance?"

"D-Duck?" Kaminari tries again, shooting Iida a pleading look.

"Duck? Why?" The more this goes on, the more confused Jirou's starting to sound. "Like Donald?"

"D-D-" Kaminari stares at Iida, who's practically doing an extensive dream ballet with how vigorously he's performing his letter charades over and over again. "D-dog?" Kaminari shouts out. "No wait, I got it! Dad!"

"Look, sorry man, but I don't think I'm up for listening to your daddy issues tonight—"

"No, no, Jirou!" Kaminari shouts into the phone. The excited expression on his face tells Katsuki that Kaminari's apparently having fun now. "I wanted to talk to talk to you about...Dawn!"

" _Who?"_

"No, no, I meant Dark. No, I mean...Day? No wait, actually it's Death! I want to talk to you about Death." Kaminari proudly nods his head in self-satisfaction.

In conjunction with Kaminari's declaration, Dark Shadow is rolling around the floor dying of laughter. Tears dribble from his eyes in fat globs.

"Look, Kaminari"—Jirou sighs into the phone—"as much as I would _love_ to talk with you about our doomed mortality, I think I'm just gonna hang up—"

"Kaminari-kun wanted to talk to you about your date plans!" Uraraka shouts into the receiver, aggressively reaching over and fisting Kaminari's phone (and subsequently his hands) in _her_ hands.

Katsuki can't help but be a little jealous.

Damn, he wishes she would hold _his_ hand that tight, even just once…

"Oh, y-yeah?" There's a heavy pause on Jirou's end. "W-what about the date?"

Her anxiety...is palpable.

"I just...I-I...well, I—" Kaminari nervously looks around at the rest of them.

These two anxiety-ridden idiots are a match made in heaven, aren't they?

"W-Where do you wanna go for our date?" Kaminari asks, squinting his eyes shut in his nervousness.

"I...well um...anywhere is fine, really," Jirou softly answers back.

Katsuki wants to leave — this is _so_ weird and uncomfortable to be listening in on.

"But wait, anywhere is fine with _me,"_ Kaminari responds. " _You_ should decide where we go."

"No, Kaminari, I don't really know what places around here are fun to go on dates to, so you should decide..."

"No, Jirou, I—" Kaminari once again shoots tearful puppy eyes at the rest of his surrounding crew. "I really think _you_ should—"

"But I don't really know—"

Sighing, Iida takes it upon himself to plug his nose with one hand, looping one arm through the other to mimic a swaying elephant trunk. Uraraka, taking his initiative, drops to the ground on all-fours and lets out a silent roar. She shoots a glare at Katsuki.

Katsuki grimaces.

Reluctantly, he weakly paws at the air.

That's not to say, though, that he knows at all what he's charading. Because he really doesn't. At all.

Next to him, Tokoyami points at his beak.

"The...the...z-zoo!" Kaminari exclaims, light dawning on his eyes as he finally gets what's going on. "You wanna go with me to the zoo?"

"Kaminari," Jirou begins, "I'd love to—"

Kaminari pumps a fist in the air in victory. Uraraka is silently clapping to herself in glee. Iida's rather characteristically waving his arms up in down in excitement.

"—but I can't go to the zoo with you," Jirou finishes.

Everyone immediately halts all production.

For Kaminari, this means falling flat on his ass as a consequence of his hopping up and down in undue jubilation.

"W-w-why not?" Kaminari cries into the phone. "What's wrong with the zoo?"

"Well, because of my quirk, my hearing's actually a little better than an average person's." For the first time since Katsuki's met Jirou, her tone actually sounds pretty apologetic. "Being around all those animals in such a dense and crowded space might give me a small headache, actually."

"Oh," Kaminari dejectedly murmurs.

But unlike Bolt Boy, Iida's not one to be let down quite as easily. Grunting at Kaminari to get his attention once more, Iida assertively claps his two hands together and begins weaving his arms around the empty air to mime a salmon swimming upstream. Uraraka, quickly catching on as usual, claps _her_ two hands together above her head and begins stalking around the room like a predatory shark. And Katsuki, regrettably without much of a second thought, immediately follows suit by stiffly gluing his arms to his sides and waddling around the room like a penguin. After gazing at all of them with a mystified expression for a while, Tokoyami finally pulls out his phone...and plays a video about fish for Kaminari to see.

"T-Then how 'bout the a-a-aquarium?" Kaminari shoots them all a quizzical look. But when Iida extends an enthusiastic thumbs up to him, Kaminari repeats into the phone with newfound confidence, "D'you wanna go to the aquarium with me, then?"

"Kaminari," Jirou starts again, "the aquarium sounds great—"

Kaminari pumps a fist in the air. Uraraka silently claps to herself in glee. Iida ardently waves his arms up in down.

"—but it's also a no from me," Jirou finishes.

Slack-jawed, Kaminari whines into the phone, "Wha-? _Why?_ What's wrong with the aquarium—?"

"I mean, you know how dolphins have echolocation, right?" Jirou asks. "I'm worried I might faint. Like, what if my ears accidentally get plugged into the fish tanks?"

Kaminari pauses.

He licks his lips.

" _What?"_ he suddenly shouts into the phone. "Why would you _plug your ears_ into the _fish tanks?"_

"I'm just saying, what if that _accidentally—"_

"How would that _accidentally_ happen?" Kaminari squeaks. "In what scenario would that even happen _on purpose?"_

In the midst of all this chaos, a small smile makes its way onto Katsuki's lips.

You know, sometimes it's nice to know that he's not the only idiot in this room.

Haha, just kidding. This is Yuuei. The whole _school_ is filled with idiots. Actually, he's just happy to find out that Jirou is capable of this level of stupidity as well.

 _Ha,_ Jirou. In your _face._

"Look, Kaminari, no is no," Jirou sternly declares. "I don't wanna go to the aquarium, so that's that."

"Then why did you say I could choose where to go if you're just gonna shoot down everything I say?" Kaminari cries into the phone.

Like, he is literally crying.

Onto his phone.

And you know what, man? Katsuki gets it. Rejection sucks.

He gazes wistfully at Uraraka, who seems to be physically fighting the urge to grapple Kaminari's phone out of his hands once again and yell at her friend.

"No, Kaminari, everywhere but the zoo and the aquarium are fine—"

"Then how 'bout the park then?"

"Well, the park, is um...my old middle school friends used to go there a lot and I don't really want to run into them…"

"Then how about we go to the sushi restaurant downtown?"

"I kinda already ate sushi yesterday, so—"

"A cat cafe!"

"I prefer dogs…"

"What do you want, then?" Kaminari exclaims, slowly dragging a hand down his facial features in irritation. "You keep saying no to everything I suggest, so clearly there's _somewhere_ you'd rather be going instead!"

"No, dude, I—"

"Where do you want to go, Jirou? You can just say it, you know."

"Okay, okay, fine...could we go to the department store?" Jirou eventually murmurs into the phone. "There's gonna be a store-wide sale tomorrow, and—"

"Say no more, we're going!" Kaminari declares, face already brimming with joy from the second he heard the word, "Sale."

"Alright then, great," Jirou says. "Meet you in front of my room tomorrow at 11, and we can head there together."

And then she hangs up.

Kaminari pumps a fist in the air. Uraraka silently claps to herself in glee. Iida ardently waves his arms up in down. Tokoyami nods his head in approval.

Meanwhile, Dark Shadow has passed out from laughter on his lonesome in the corner.

"Wait." Kaminari looks around the room. "D'you think she meant am or pm?" he innocently asks.

Katsuki groans.

This guy...is _so_ stupid.

* * *

"Remind me again why you forced me to tag along?" Katsuki asks.

Only to be immediately shushed by Uraraka.

...Well, at least he tried.

Anyway, in Katsuki's rather addled interpretation of events: after having to convince Kaminari last night that of _course_ she meant am you absolute _nimrod —_ because the department store literally closes at 9 am you _toaster-for-brains —_ Katsuki got only seven hours of sleep and ended up being woken up by Iida and Uraraka and _Dark Shadow_ forcefully _pulling_ him out of his bed to judge Kaminari's outfit.

It was a mess.

They were right to wake him up.

But they were also wrong to wake _him_ up instead of the ever incandescent Aoyama, who probably would've been _way_ better at dressing Kaminari and _way_ less emotional about being woken up at the godforsaken hour of 7 am to teach a guy how to put some fucking pants on.

By that, he means they definitely all saw him cry _just a tad_ after having all his covers unceremoniously ripped off his body to expose his bared (and newly cold) midriff to the blazing dawn.

Anyway, back to Kaminari's horrendous fashion choices and even worse taste in girls: his outfit had been nothing short of illegal.

First were the _shoes._ They had been holographic...and also simultaneously neon yellow.

That shit could _blind_ a man. Especially one who's driving to work. _Especially_ especially one who's doing so all while baring the wrath of the morning sun.

And so Katsuki, immediately upon witnessing these heinous shoes, did the only _noble_ thing and _burned them in a vat of fire_ in order to prevent the next major disturbingly lengthy, _excruciatingly exhausting_ traffic jam.

This, which had prompted a:

 **Congratulations! Your Empathy Level grew from Level 12 to Level 13.**

He's really putting that hero license to good use, he'll tell ya.

But then _after_ the shoes were the _pants._

Those awful, _awful_ pants.

They featured a leopard print on one leg and a _cheetah_ print on the other. And as if _that_ weren't blasphemous enough, the knees were covered in a clear plastic, meaning Kaminari's gross _leg elbows_ were offensively exposed to the outside world.

When Katsuki saw that shit, he thought for a split second that he had actually conked out after Dark Shadow pretended to be his alarm clock, and had actually entered into the nightmare cycle of REM.

But no.

Katsuki had hesitantly held out a finger and _touched_ Kaminari's cursed pants and considering that shit was fucking _tangible,_ Katsuki unfortunately had to conclude that those... _things_ were indeed real life.

And you'd think that _maybe_ — just _maybe —_ it might get even a _little_ better the more you look up Kaminari's ensemble, but _no,_ it _doesn't._ Because Kaminari _knows_ you're a fucking _fool_ who expects even a shred of decency from him and will make _damn_ well sure that you never expect that from him _again._

See, sloppily half-tucked in to those godforsaken "pants" was a t-shirt. Which, normally, you know, _fine._

Except this is Kaminari and he goes to Yuuei and of _course_ the combination of these two unstoppable forces means that _nothing_ is ever just _fine._

The t-shirt featured a graphic of a sloth hanging off a tree.

Which, you know, _fine._

Except stop thinking it's fine because that's definitely not the point here.

The sloth had these weird googly eyes that followed Katsuki wherever he went, and if that wasn't scary enough, the sloth print was also manically wielding a knife.

And then in print above the scary sloth was the text, "UPDOG."

But asking Kaminari, "What's UPDOG?" had only prompted a tirade of laughter and mockery from everyone around him.

Especially from Dark Shadow.

"It's from this thing called Sawcon!" Dark Shadow had choked out between a spat of giggles.

"What's Sawcon?"

" _ **SAWCON MY—"**_

Katsuki is still traumatized even now, four hours after the event.

Anyway, back to the story.

 _On top of_ that awful t-shirt which was _on top of_ those abhorrent pants which was in turn _on top of_ those atrocious holographically neon shoes, Kaminari had been wearing a giant, pimpy fur jacket featuring _tiger print._

If Kaminari had wanted _so bad_ to dress in animal regalia, he should have just worn a fucking fursuit to the damn date.

But as if his _clothes_ weren't bad enough, Kaminari had also styled his hair into a pompadour and thrown on some of those pointy Homestuck sunglasses to cover up his eyes.

It's almost as if Kaminari had _wanted_ to be a walking dictionary definition of an asshole.

In fact, after witnessing this shit with his two, now permanently cursed eyes, Katsuki had actually taken a picture of Kaminari's getup and had then stapled that into the school library's only dictionary, right under **asshole (n.)**.

And so, after such a meticulous description, it's no wonder Uraraka (and others) had been begging on their knees at the foot of Katsuki's bed to _please, oh please get Kaminari to change his stupid fucking outfit._

Actually, now that Katsuki thinks of it, it was probably wise of them to not have asked Aoyama for help with this one.

Because knowing that guy, he probably would have just flung a bucket of glitter in Kaminari's general direction and told the guy to go on his merry way.

So of course Katsuki had then overhauled Kaminari's entire wardrobe and told him to _please_ just wear a normal, _plain_ t-shirt and some normal _fucking_ sneakers and jeans _without any creepy knee-cleavage windows,_ and also told Kaminari to _please wash that disgustingass grease from your hair, or I will actually speeddial Satan and ask him to condemn you to an eternity of hellfire torture._

And then he ended that interaction by snapping Kaminari's sunglasses in half and throwing a black leather jacket at him.

"If you even _manage_ to get a second date with Jirou somehow," Katsuki had threatened Kaminari, after the boy had had to witness the sacrificial burning of his asshole attire, "you won't be allowed to leave your room next time until I approve of your outfit, young man."

And then after a loud whoop of cheers and clapping from Iida, Uraraka, Tokoyami, and Dark Shadow, they had then dragged Katsuki to the department store _with_ them.

To _stalk_ Jirou's date.

Man, this is _not_ how Katsuki had wanted his Saturday to go.

"Why did you drag me along?" Katsuki repeats.

Only to be shushed by Uraraka.

Again.

If this didn't work the first time, Katsuki has no idea why he even _tried_ it for a second.

"Mayday, mayday," Iida whisper-shouts into his walkie-talkie. "Kaminari-san is pointing at the McDonald's, over!"

"Copy. Kaminari-kun is indeed leading Jirou-chan in the direction of the McDonald's!" Uraraka says into her walkie-talkie.

"You two…" Katsuki says, scowling, "are literally right next to each other." He swipes the walkie-talkies out of their hands. "You don't even _need_ these!"

It's times like this — when Katsuki's staring at Uraraka's figure crouched next to Iida's behind some potted plants at the department store, as the two of them look through their respective binoculars at a Jirou and Kaminari barely twenty meters away — that Katsuki _really_ starts to questions why he even started liking Uraraka in the first place.

...Well, hearts are some dumb bitches sometimes, so he guesses that answers _that_ question.

"You know, McDonald's is actually pretty delicious," Dark Shadow attempts to add to the conversation.

His words are only met with a harsh glare from Uraraka and Iida.

"It's their _first date,"_ Uraraka seethes.

"Affirmative," Iida affirms. "McDonald's is not a memorable meal for a _first date."_

Katsuki looks on at Kaminari, sheepishly smiling at Jirou just a short distance away. "He's probably asking her if he can get her McDonald's because he's broke," Katsuki says, hyperfocused on his super-accurate-very-high-iq-lip-reading.

"Ah yes, of course!" Iida quietly exclaims. He begins rubbing his chin in thought. "Kaminari-san lacks money, which is why he's suggesting McDonald's."

"Yeah, that's what I just sai—"

"So what if we _gave_ him some money?!" Uraraka interjects.

"Indeed!" Iida immediately begins reaching for his wallet. "Make haste everyone! How much money do we all have?"

Tokoyami fishes around in his pocket, pulling out a few coins. "I have about 6 yen on me right now."

"I have 45!" Uraraka offers her bounty to Iida's open palm.

"Bakugou-san! What about you?" Iida ardently asks.

Bakugou defiantly slouches, but eventually reaches into his pockets anyway to dig for any spare change. "I think I have about 3 yen," he mutters, offering it up to the guy.

"Splendid!" Iida smiles. Collecting all the coins in his hand, he jangles them for a bit in his fist, feeling out their weight. Then, still in his crouched position behind a couple of potted plants, he begins winding his arms back.

And then Iida _flings_ an array of coins at Kaminari's head.

Having had to see this, Katsuki is already coming up with all the ways to discreetly dispose of a dead body in his head.

"Ow!" Kaminari exclaims from a short distance away. "What was that?" he asks, rubbing the back of his head in pain.

And then he turns around.

"Oh, hey! Free money!" He innocently squeals in glee. Turning to Jirou, he says, "With this, I can actually afford something better! D'you wanna go to the restaurant downstairs instead, then?"

"Uh, well, whatever's fine, really—"

"Alright then! Let's go!"

And then taking her hand, he runs the two of them downstairs to a restaurant that, based on the looks on Iida's and Uraraka's faces, the two of them ostensibly approve of.

* * *

"That outfit is hideous!" Uraraka hisses. "What's he _thinking?"_

Well, _he_ is Kaminari, so the answer to that question is probably: not a whole lot.

Anyway, after lunch, Katsuki had ended up being dragged around everywhere with Iida's Gang of Iidiots.

This meant little knick knack stores. This meant massage chair emporiums.

This meant going to seventy _billion_ little boutiques.

Which is where they are now, by the way.

Look, if it's not Uraraka trying on these clothes, Katsuki isn't gonna _lie_ and say he has any interest in this shit.

"What is Kaminari _suggesting_ to her?" Tokoyami frowns, looking on at the weird sundress/overalls piece Kaminari has picked out for Jirou.

If even _Tokoyami_ is dissing Kaminari for his fashion sense, then that means the guy is _really_ fucking up here.

"Jirou's shaking her head!" Uraraka cries out, still looking through her binoculars.

Yeah, the four of them — plus Dark Shadow — are once again ducking behind another set of conveniently placed potted plants in the department store.

"Is she walking away from him?" Iida asks, following Jirou's steps with _his_ very own pair of binoculars.

"They're splitting up!" Uraraka whisper-yells. "Are they gonna shop separately now? Oh no, oh no, what do we do?"

"Worry not, Uraraka-san!" Iida confidently declares. "Though their decision means we must split up too, I have a plan!" He erratically begins pounding on his chest in what Katsuki assumes is supposed to be a display of confidence. "But first, we must learn how to do a proper bird call!"

Katsuki immediately squats down to meet Iida eye-to-eye. "No," he flatly refuses.

"No, Bakugou-san! This is for the betterment of, not just this auspicious day, but for the student council, and your life as well!"

By the lack of luster in Iida's glasses as he says that, Katsuki somehow doubts any of this is true.

"Now, take note everyone!" Iida says, nodding his head in approval as he sees Tokoyami pulling out a notepad. " _This_ is how you perform a peacock's call!" Stretching his neck out and bobbing his head back and forth, he starts crying out, "Ee-YAH...Ee-YAH!"

Some security guards nearby — who have apparently known this whole time about these four kids and a demon squatting down behind a set of potted plants, and have graciously said _nothing_ up until now — shoot a suspicious leer at Iida. And all Katsuki can do about this is awkwardly wave an apologetic hand to them.

 **[Skill proficiency of «Embarrassment on Behalf of the Surrounding Populace» has temporarily doubled EXP gained for the Empathy Stat.]**

 **Congratulations! Your Empathy Level grew from Level 13 to Level 14.**

"Ee-YAH! Eeeee-YAH!" Iida continues, oblivious to everyone and everything around him. Then he pauses for a moment.

Ah, finally, Iida's gonna stop subjecting them to this social torture, right?

 _Psyche._

"Now, _this_ is how a crow sounds!" Flapping his arms a bit, he goes, "Ca-CAOW! Ca-COW!"

"Did a janitor leave a window open?" an unsuspecting passerby asks their friend next to them. "Why does it sound like there are so many birds in here?"

"And here's a vulture!" Spreading his arms out now like they're a pair of large wings, he lets out a murderous, blood-curdling screech: "AaaaaAAAaAA, AAaaAAaAA!"

"This is so offensive," Tokoyami mutters beneath his breath.

Just as he says that, a hand suddenly punches through the cover of their foliage. Rustling around with it a bit to make enough of an opening, Kaminari's head pushes through the small window of light.

"Dude," he says, "what the hell are you guys doing here?"

* * *

"And that's why we're here," Tokoyami finally finishes explaining to a Kaminari who's seemed increasingly confused the more Tokoyami went on.

"So what you're all saying is that none of you _trust_ me to know what I'm doing on a date?" Kaminari pouts into the foliage.

"No, no, no," Uraraka earnestly deflects.

"It's not that we don't trust you, per se," Iida awkwardly smiles. But he also doesn't continue from there.

"Look, man, these kids are the only reason why you got to eat steak for lunch," Dark Shadow says.

"—because thank _goodness_ for you all! I really _don't_ know what I'm doing!" Kaminari exclaims, clasping his hands together in a praying position. "Please help me!" he begs.

The other three members of Iida's Gang of Iidiots (plus Dark Shadow) all turn to give a look at Katsuki.

Oh, Katsuki gets it.

Katsuki _gets_ it.

So _just because_ Katsuki miraculously managed to fix Kaminari's original outfit, now he's the _fashion guru?_

Well, it inflates his ego, so yes, of _course_ he's the fashion guru.

"Heh!" Katsuki smirks. "Just go back there and follow my lead," he confidently declares, pushing Kaminari away from the potted plants and back in Jirou's direction.

Kaminari trips on the way there, looking back in Katsuki's direction in apprehension.

But Katsuki only sighs at him, shooing him away as if to say, "Just hurry it up, damn it."

"Oh!" Jirou exclaims, as Kaminari approaches her. "I was just looking for you." Holding up a white, flowy off-the-shoulder blouse, she asks him, "What do you think of this?"

"U-Uh," Kaminari holds up his hands in defense, desperately looking back at in Katsuki's direction. "Help me out," he mouths.

Say no more.

Filching Tokoyami's notepad out of his hands, Katsuki takes out a pen.

Okay, Katsuki, imagine Uraraka's wearing that blouse. How do you think she'd look?

He closes his eyes for a bit. He sees Uraraka smiling at him, twirling around in a blouse that hugs her waist but whose sheer sleeves billow in the wind. He sees her exposed peachy shoulders shining under the sunlight. And the off-the-shoulder look means the elastic of the blouse is clutching precariously close to her—

Katsuki opens his eyes.

The blouse is an 8.

Hastily scrawling that onto his piece of notepad paper, he holds it up above the foliage for Kaminari to see.

Beside him, Iida's also scribbling something onto a piece of paper, and Uraraka and Tokoyami are both following suit.

A second later, and Iida holds up a 7. Tokoyami a 5. Uraraka's paper reads, "Just say 'As long as you like it!'"

"Uh…" The mental gymnastics Kaminari's doing in order to figure out how best to interpret all four of these signs is nothing short of pitiful. "I give the blouse a...6.6?"

"A 6.6?" Jirou asks, her gaze faltering from Kaminari's eyes back to the blouse. "Oh…"

"B-But!" Kaminari interjects, clearly feeling a little bad for causing Jirou's dejected expression. "I-It's fine as long as you like it!"

"No...no...it's fine," Jirou says, putting the blouse back on the raft and sifting through a few more outfits. "Oh, how about this one?" she asks, pulling out a loose, black crop top.

Once again closing his eyes, Katsuki pictures Uraraka in that crop top.

It would look awkward with her body type.

Katsuki holds up a 4. Iida's a 3 on this one. Tokoyami's a 9.

(Is it because the top is black? Emo weirdo.)

Uraraka holds up a: "Encourage her to try it on!"

"Uh...uh…" Kaminari stutters once again to Jirou. "It's a...5? It's uh...approximately a 5 for me."

Hearing this, Jirou very subtly sticks out her bottom lip and pouts just a _little_ bit. "Oh…"

"But you should try it on if you like it!"

"What's the point of that if you don't like it…" her lips seem to read.

* * *

Katsuki hates this.

He _really_ hates this.

They've visited, like, twenty trillion _more_ boutiques now and Jirou hasn't even bought _a single thing._

And Katsuki is already _exhausted._

As in, he's actually sweating.

All he's done today is walk around and go up and down a few escalator, so he finds there to be literally _no_ reason why he should be sweating.

Actually wait, he's always sweating.

Oh.

Well, guess that just makes this a normal day then.

There goes _his_ excuse.

But anyway, back to _Jirou_ and _Kaminari._

Can she literally just _buy_ something? What's the point of a storewide _sale_ if you refuse to make even a single, solitary _purchase?_

Even _Katsuki's_ done more normal shopping shit than _Jirou_ at this point, and it's because he's ended up having to buy six more notepads and eight more pens just to keep up with Jirou's ridiculous interest in clothes.

Seriously, Katsuki's tired of looking at dresses and Uraraka might have carpal tunnel now because she had kept _insisting_ on writing full-on phrases instead of numbers for every single outfit choice.

It was because of something about, "Rating Jirou on a numerical scale is a disservice to her worth as a human being!"

Katsuki doesn't get it.

And of _course_ he doesn't.

He rates his own _empathy_ on a numerical scale.

"Psst, hey, Bakugou," someone whispers, suddenly pulling him out of his internal rant-ologue.

Katsuki looks around.

Iida and Uraraka's eyes are both hiding in their respective binoculars, closely observing Kaminari as he proceeds to buy some movie tickets. And because they're muttering some pseudo-spy-shit to each other, Katsuki's pretty sure neither of them were the ones to whisper to him.

"Pssssst, _Bakugou."_

Katsuki turns to Tokoyami, noting his posture. The guy is coolly leaning his back against the wall while standing.

And also he's asleep.

Yeah, it wasn't him.

" _PSSSSSSST, BAKUGOU?"_

Though Tokoyami may be asleep, Dark Shadow certainly isn't. But he's grabbed himself a bag of popcorn (from where? the trash? or did he just steal it from someone?) and is happily munching along on it while watching Kaminari's socially inept ass stumble around his ticket purchasing.

Okay, so if it wasn't Iida, wasn't Uraraka, definitely wasn't Tokoyami, and certainly wasn't Dark Shadow, then who could that whisper have belonged to?

" _ **PSSSSSSST, hey dumbass!"**_

Oh.

That voice belongs to Jirou.

Ah yes, of course.

With a deep sigh, Katsuki turns to face Jirou's head, peeking through the leaves of...yet another potted plant they're hiding behind.

"Huh?" Katsuki asks. "How did you find—"

"It wasn't that hard to notice you all when Class Rep"—she points at Iida—"over there kept making random bird calls every time we moved a floor."

Oh.

Yeah, checks out.

"What do you want, Jirou?"

Wait, now that Katsuki hears his own voice, he realizes something: he's never sounded so defeated before.

Well, he's sweating, crouched behind his fiftieth potted plant of the day, so he's going to go out on a limb and just _assume_ his feelings are valid here.

Jirou grimaces at him, her arms rather characteristically folded across her chest. Except her stance lacks its normal bite.

That's not to be interpreted as she normally bites him.

Because that's weird. And also seems like something only Kirishima would be into. (Which is to say, something Kirishima's partner would definitely _not_ be into.)

But what Katsuki's trying to say is that Jirou, for once, actually looks a little bit unsure of herself.

Actually, she looks kind of like how she did right before their big Battle of the Bands.

...So what Katsuki's trying to say is that Jirou, for twice, actually looks a little bit unsure of herself.

"C-Can you do me a small favor?" Jirou softly murmurs.

"Huh?" Katsuki starts digging around in his ear to pull any stray earwax out. Did he hear her correctly?

"Can you do me a small favor?" Jirou asks, just a little bit louder this time.

"Can I do you a small favor?" Katsuki incredulously repeats.

"Yes! Can you—"

"Well, I _can—"_

Jirou's face immediately lights up. "Oh thank you! Can you—"

"I _can_ do you a small favor, but _will_ I?" Katsuki smirks. Ah, it feels so good to smartass Jirou every now and then. _Especially_ when she's asking him for a _favor._

And Katsuki relishes in her reaction. Because as quickly as her face lit up, her features all pulled down _far_ quicker.

"Bakugou," she says in a menacing tone. And then she bites her tongue, apparently realizing it wouldn't exactly be _wise_ to insult the person she's asking a favor from. "Bakugou," she tries again, tone just a little nicer, " _will_ you do you me a favor?"

Her question is met only with a ponderous gaze from Katsuki.

Slowly rubbing his chin, Katsuki says, "Hmm, _will_ I do you a favor?"

"Yes, _will_ you do me a—"

"I mean, the other day, you _did_ kind of bully me by taping Iida's letter of rec onto the corkboard, you know…"

"I...okay, Bakugou, I'm _really_ sorry about that."

"..."

"I'm really _really_ sorry about that—"

"...hmmm…"

"I'm really really really—"

"Hmmmmmmmmm…"

"—really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really—"

"HMMMMMMMMMMMMMM…"

"—really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really—"

" _ **HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM…"**_

"—really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really—"

"Okay, yeah, that's enough." Katsuki holds his hands up, effectively shushing her really really sorry ass up. "What's the favor?"

"Can you please just let me date Kaminari in peace? Without the rest of your"—she points at his surrounding, still entirely oblivious to the fact that one-half of the date they're stalking is right _here_ next to Katsuki—"gang, please."

"Uh…"

* * *

That was a tall order Jirou asked of him.

It was a really _really_ tall order.

In fact, it's what Jirou might have called a really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really _really_ tall order.

First it was having to lead Iida's Gang of Iidiots out and away from the movie theaters by convincing them to go play at the arcade instead. As one might expect, Dark Shadow was the _only_ one who was immediately interested in this activity. It took some bribing Tokoyami with the proposition of winning him a creepy half-dead-looking plushie thingie from a claw machine to get him to go. And for Iida, it meant insulting his dancing ability and challenging him to a dance-off on a Dance Dance Revolution machine, and then getting unavoidably _slaughtered_ at the game by the sheer fact that Iida has fucking _engines_ on his fucking calves and is actually a breakdancing _god._

Thank _fuck_ Ashido wasn't there.

Because seriously,, she would've laughed her ass off at Katsuki. Full on finger-pointing, tear-rolling derision. And that _definitely_ would've hurt Katsuki's fucking feelings.

But as for Uraraka, that shit actually took _commitment._

...Well, everything Katsuki's ever done for Uraraka has always been about commitment, but that's not really the point here. The _point_ here is that he kept having to distract her with shiny arcade tokens and kept having to keep an eye out to make sure she didn't go off on her own and sneak out to the movie theater without telling him.

Katsuki's maybe only a little jealous of how committed Uraraka is to Jirou.

Okay, maybe he's more than just a _little_ jealous.

 _Mom said jealousy isn't healthy,_ Katsuki had to tell himself after Uraraka's fifth time at escape. _She said jealousy is for weak little bitches and I ain't a weak little bitch._

But then a little while afterwards, Uraraka had looked at some random clock and had realized, "Wait, they finished their movie _already?!_ Darn it! We need to go follow them!"

And so cue Katsuki having to wrangle three hyperactive kids and one mean shadow devil into...a furniture store...for whatever reason.

Look, it was the closest distraction he could find, okay?

Except, going to a furniture store was apparently a _terrible_ idea — Iida nearly broke everything within his immediate vicinity.

Which was everywhere.

Because he kept _going_ everywhere.

Because he couldn't stop running around the fucking store even though there was glass on every shelf and cupboard near him.

Honestly, that experience was both the emotional and physical equivalent of having All Might karate-chop Katsuki on the forehead and shorten his lifespan by twenty-seven years.

Katsuki's gonna _die_ young if he stays with this gaggle of fools any longer.

And then once again, Uraraka — who was in the middle of giddily bouncing up and down on a cushiony couch — had looked at the clock and went: "Oh no! Look at the time! We _really_ gotta check in on Jirou and Kaminari now!"

It was only 6 pm.

Katsuki had had a long way to go.

So _then_ it meant going _painstakingly_ slow through. Every. Single. Floor. And then having to reroute Katsuki's little Circle of Strife every time he accidentally exchanged eye contact with Jirou.

And then after losing everyone in the grocery store of the basement floor, Katsuki had had to collect them all like they were some kind of weird RPG sidequest (mostly because half of them were apparently playing hide-and-seek _without his consent)._ Except that, in _this_ RPG, there was no reward to be had at the end, save for the reward of wanting to perish immediately.

And _then_ by the time he had found them all, it was only 7:30. And since Jirou, _for some reason,_ has his phone number (seriously, who _gave_ that shit to her?) she had texted him at about 7:15 and had begged him to do her _another_ favor and keep everyone occupied until closing time.

But why?

There was nothing to do there.

Katsuki knows that for a fucking fact because he had _been_ there all _day._

So then a very irritated Katsuki had then marched them all out of the department store and taken them on an impromptu tour of the surrounding street. And then afterwards, he had gotten them all lost on the metro.

And yes, of _course_ that was on purpose.

Totally.

Definitely.

Yep.

Katsuki has a _great_ sense of direction.

...Says no one but himself.

But _look,_ okay, _his_ opinion is the only one that ever matters so actually, yeah, he _does_ have a great sense of direction.

Anyway, tangent aside, Katsuki has no _idea_ why he's spending so much effort on Jirou when she's so _mean_ to him all the time.

Like, is _this_ what being a good friend is?

 **Congratulations! Your Empathy Level grew from Level 14 to—**

 **...** Or is this what being a little pushover _bitch_ is?

 **Congratulations! Your Empathy Level grew from Level 15 to Level 14.**

Well, Katsuki doesn't know the answer to his own rhetorical question, but at the very least, he knows that he hates himself for having gone along with it.

Actually, _hate_ is a strong word.

And _detests_ is stronger.

Katsuki _detests_ himself for having gone along with Jirou's bullshittery.

But at the very least, at least now he's back home. Resting in his bed. _Relaxed._

...No he's not, and you're as much of a fool as he if you thought for even a _second_ it would be physically or even _theoretically_ possible to be relaxed at the...illustrious, _preeminent_ Yuuei.

No, it's 10 pm now (past his bedtime, mind you!) and he's sitting in the common room once again.

...How much bullshit does one have to go through until they start associating PTSD with a specific location? Because Katsuki's pretty close to that with the common room at this point.

"Aw wait!" Uraraka flings her head back and cries into the air, "We missed half of their date today because we kept getting distracted!"

Bless unto All Might's divinely dazzling deltoids that the whole of this Squad of Simpletons were none the wiser to Katsuki's stalk-blocking activities.

"Damn those Dance Dance machines for being so addictive!" Full of remorse, Iida looks down at his calves. "Why was I cursed with incredible moves?" he wails.

"A curse, you say?" Tokoyami immediately perks up.

"We can remove that curse, you know, for a _fee,"_ Dark Shadow adds.

Amidst all this chaos, someone softly taps Katsuki on his shoulder.

Katsuki swivels around, tired and annoyed.

 _Who the—_

It's Jirou. It's Jirou the fuck.

Of all faces to see when he's _this_ tired and annoyed, of _course_ it would be hers.

"What do you wan—"

"Thanks, man," she abruptly says.

For the second time today, Katsuki digs a finger around in his ear to make sure he heard right. "Huh?"

"I said, _thanks,_ man," Jirou repeats.

"Wha—"

"You know, I really am...g-"—Jirou's face suddenly blanches, as if she's taking a hard-to-swallow pill—" _grateful_ to you for all your help today."

" _Huh?"_ Now it's Uraraka's turn to make sure she heard Jirou right. "Bakugou-kun helped you with something?"

Jirou rather stiffly nods. "Yeah, because of Bakugou, I might even go on a second date—"

"Stop right there." Katsuki suddenly holds his hands up. "I don't approve."

"Wha...why?"

"Look, I have _reasons,_ okay?"

"Well then, let's _hear_ them." At this point, both Jirou and Uraraka are shooting him some very fierce glares.

"I just...don't go on a second date with Kaminari."

"You can't tell me what to do, Bakugou."

"Okay then, I'd like to _kindly_ suggest you don't go on a second date with that guy."

"But _why?"_

"I—"

"You _what?"_

"I just don't want to deal with any of _this_ for a _second time,"_ Katsuki finally bursts out, tears uncontrollably free-falling from his eyes. "You don't understand the _hell_ I've gone through today!" He waves an arm around the room, pointing at his Clan of Cretins. And then he grabs Jirou by the collar of her shirt and drags her in. Eyes wide with the knowledge of inescapable trauma, Katsuki cries out, "Do you even know what he tried to _wear_ to your date?"

"Uh…" Jirou's eyes nervously dart around the room, looking anywhere but at Katsuki's face. "Yeah, uh…" She calmly swats his hands off her collar, forcing him to let go. "Maybe we should continue this conversation when you're a little more"—she gives an awkward, half-hearted smile—"...well-rested."

And then Jirou practically runs out of the common room.

Man, Katsuki wishes that could be him.

Actually, why is he still here? He has every right to be able to leave—

"Hmm, a department store first date, huh?" Uraraka all of a sudden begins to muse, leaning her cheek into the palm of her head. "Can't say I would've chosen that for a first date, if I'm being honest."

Hearing this, Katsuki's head perks up. Before he can even think to stop his big fat fucking mouth, his sleep-deprived brain forces him to immediately ask, "Oh, then where would you want to go for a first date?"

"Well…" Uraraka looks up, clearly in bout of deep thought. "To be honest, rather than something romantic, maybe it'd be fun if I could take my date to help my parents out with something."

"But I don't think I'm ready to meet your parents yet," is what comes straight out of Katsuki's dumbass mouth before his brain even has the time to process the words.

"Huh? Wha—" Uraraka's face explodes into a shade of overripe cherry.

Dark Shadow, hand covering his eyes in shame and slowly shaking his head, says, "Boy, you ain't slick…"

"HAHAHA, _what?"_ Kaminari shouts out, pointing at Katsuki while in his fit of !

Wait.

When did this guy enter the common room. Did he see _everything?_

"That was so _embarrassing,_ man!" Kaminari wipes a tear from his eye.

...Apparently he _did_ see everything.

"Shut the _fuck_ up, Bitchachu—!"

"Bakugou-san!" Iida's glasses are glinting furiously under the fluorescent light of the common room. "After witnessing this less-than-stellar performance of yours, I would like to formally rescind my letter of recommendation!"

"Good, _please_ fucking burn—!"

"HAHAHA, don't worry Bakugou! I'll write you a _new_ letter of rec just to commemorate this event!"

"...Don't you even fucking dare, you absolute _Dickachu!"_

* * *

 **A/N:** Thank you so much for reading! I hope this chapter was still just as funny, because I didn't have anyone look over it first this time LOL — basically meaning, I blindly tossed this chap into the ring and hoped it landed.

But thank you so much for the lovely comments last time! I'm gonna respond to them for a little bit:

 **ILiekFishes:** Honestly, yeah. _I_ for one wouldn't want to be stuck with Pikachu for life. (Unless we're talking about a _real_ Pikachu here, in which case, yes, I would very _gladly_ love to be stuck with that for life.) But yeah, Bakugou was both right _and_ valid for begging Jirou not to go on a second date with him LOL. Idk too much actually if I'll explore this relationship more in this fic. For sure though, Jirou needs to chill for a bit. At this rate, she might end up becoming the main character given how much word (?) presence I keep continuously giving her LOL.

 **CanadianBlitz:** Thank you so much! I'm so glad you love this fic, that really makes me so happy! And I'm so glad I was able to make you snort with laughter last chapter, that really makes me so happy!

 **Earl Rockwell:** Thank you so much for loving my take on Tokoyami! I'm so glad you like this fic and continuously follow it as well as you do. Thank you!

 **inumaru-kyome:** Thank you so much ahhhh I can't believe I was able to make someone cry with laughter! That really makes me so, so happy, thank you!

Ok, so that's all the responding for today. Thank you again so much for reading! Uhm, based on the poll I conducted Iida's chapter, I think second place after Tokoyami was a tie between Tsuyu or Sero. I know I said last chapter that I'd try to do Tsuyu next chapter, but considering I have no current plans for what I would do with either character next chap, right now the next friendship target is a tossup between the two, haha. So look forward to whichever of the two I decide to surprise you guys with next chap! Thanks for reading!


	14. Peer Pressure

**VERY IMPORTANT SUPER MUST READ VERY COOL** **A/N:** So uh, most of these jokes are visual. Haha. Very sorry, but fanfiction unfortunately doesn't allow me to insert images into the story the way ao3 does. While I transcribed all the words into text here and tried to describe the images to the best of my abilities, I don't think my words can do these graphics I made justice. But never fear! I have a link!

bit . ly / 2wHP94N (- Type in this url without the spaces and it should lead to my tumblr. I promise the link is safe!)

* * *

 _Yo, what's up Uraraka._

 _I just wanted to let you know about how dope of a guy Bakugou is. Like, did you know he helped me ask Jirou out? Oh wait, you were there...guess you already knew that. Well, besides that, Jirou says he even helped her out at some point during the date (yeah, we both knew you were all there the whole time, but it's cool fam)._

 _Anyways, because Iida completely forgot to add in his cool traits last time, I've come up with my OWN list HAHAHAHA_

 _List of Bakugou's good traits:_

 _•Hella smart_

 _•NICE abs_

 _•Ignore what Iida said because his hairstyle is LIT_

 _•Knows his fashion stuff so he'll make sure that YOU'RE gonna be the ugly one in the relationship_

 _Wait, actually that last one might be a bad thing instead..._

 _Well whatever! I think you should date him! And I'm not just saying this because I want to stalk you on YOUR date...haha...what?_

 _Also, unlike Iida, I don't have a camera. But I still wanted to add in a "For Your Consideration Section" for the memes you know XP_

 _For Your Consideration_

«Insert image of shitty stick drawing of Katsuki breathing fire, with a speech bubble floating above his head saying, "Uraraka's hot and I'll kill you if you don't think so!"»

 _In conclusion, date my mans._

 _From,_

 _Kaminari_

 _He's cool, I guess_

 _-Jirou_

* * *

 _Uraraka,_

 _I, too, would like to take this opportunity to recommend Bakugou as a potential partner for you._

«Insert triple-moon hex drawing with a picture of Bakugou taped to the center of it. Above his picture is a heart drawn in red.»

 _With this hex, there should be no problem with you falling for Bakugou's charms now._

 _You're welcome,_

 _Tokoyami_

* * *

Katsuki doesn't know what he's done to deserve this. _Any_ of this.

He helped un-asshole-ify Kaminari's entire outfit, and _this_ is how the guy rewards him?

He aided Jirou in having a normal date with Kaminari when all _she's_ ever done is make fun of him, and _this_ is how she repays him?

He essentially _bailed_ Tokoyami out of an entire _prison sentence_ after Jirou threatened to call the cops on them, and _this is how he repays him?_

Katsuki had even _kindly_ inquired Tokoyami, "Where the _hell_ did you get that picture?!" to which the guy had merely responded, "I found it when I was digging around in Iida's trash."

That, which was immediately met by a: " _Why_ were you digging around in Iida's trash?"

Katsuki's obscene cries, however, were only met with silence — fading into the dusk like waning rays of light.

And that now brings him back to the present time. Here. With these two letters of recommendation.

 _Nailed into Uraraka's doors like they're Martin Luther's 95 Theses on the Catholic Church._

...If Katsuki calls the feds on them for property damage, would that seem like _enough_ of a non-selfish reason for him to want those stupid fucking _letters of recommendation_ removed?

...Wait.

Wait a second.

When did Katsuki start caring about things like _selfishness?_ And _non-_ selfishness?

Katsuki scratches his head a little.

Is this what having friends has done to him?

Does he like, _actually_ have a moral compass now?

...Well considering that he now _knows_ what a moral compass is, the answer to that question is probably yes.

He takes another look at Kaminari's letter, reading over the words, "Uraraka's hot and I'll kill you if you don't think so!" Grimacing a little, he thinks to himself, _Isn't this a little...distasteful?_

 _Sure,_ maybe a few months ago he would've said this exact sentence word-for-word, and _sure,_ he would've gotten away with it too, simply because to _not_ say it would essentially be character assassination.

But now, Katsuki's _grown._ Now, he knows to abide by the law.

Now, he knows that the fear of jail time is _very fucking real,_ and he absolutely _shouldn't_ be saying shit about killing all willy nilly.

Katsuki calmly contemplates these words, which bang against the crown of his skull like an endlessly ricocheting rubber ball tossed around at a perpetual speed of mach 7.

Hey, doesn't he sound...a bit _friendlier,_ perhaps? A bit _less_ like a jerk? Like...a _better person?_

Upon realizing this, Katsuki instantly begins aggressively knocking on Uraraka's door. Because _hell_ yeah he's going to show off any and all improvement and rub it in her face.

(It's during times like these when Katsuki subconsciously questions whether his crush on Uraraka is motivated purely out of spite at this point.)

"Bakugou-chan," a voice behind him suddenly says, sending an army's march of goosebumps down the length of his spine. "What're you doing in front of Uraraka's room, ribbit?"

Immediately, every reflex in Katsuki's body tells him to skedaddle away, r _ight now._

Except, on the way out, something tugs on his arm.

"Bakugou-chan," the voice repeats. "I'd like to have a word with you."

Aw man, _fuck._

* * *

How does he keep _getting_ into these situations?

Once again, Bakugou Katsuki finds himself bound to a chair, with a blindingly bright light beaming down once more upon his wretched figure.

Except this time, he's somehow even _more_ confused.

Instead of five girls piled onto the other end of a huge wooden table that he's as of now _still_ unsure how they managed to wrangle through _Ashido's_ doorway this time, there are now four girls and _nine guys_ stockpiled onto that side of the room.

Katsuki begins counting faces. Let's see, there's Ashido, Jirou, Yaoyorozu, Froggy, Kaminari, Kirishima, Aoyama, Iida, Tokoyami, Todoroki, Shoji, Sato, and Koda.

That's a lot of people.

That's a lot of people that he _recognizes_.

He pauses, trying to think of what could possibly warrant _this_ kind of attention on his person.

But after five seconds of thinking and seven more seconds of not being able to come up with any _sufficient_ reason, Katsuki gives up.

Regardless, the answer here is probably that he's in some kind of _deep_ shit.

But _besides_ that, as much as Katsuki constantly talks about how things are fire hazards, this is the very first time where he's 100% certain that having _this_ many people in _this_ tiny of a dorm is _definitely_ some kind of safety violation here.

Where are the authority figures in this school?

 _Why_ are they allowing this?

"So," Ashido begins, squinting her eyes at him. She then pulls out a flashlight and begins to beam _that_ into his eyes. "I've read Kaminari's and Tokoyami's letters of recommendation—"

Fuck. Katsuki really _should've_ just torn that shit down. Vandalism would've been _enough_ of a reason to do so. Fuck. Why did he have to shoot himself in the foot like that by being a wishy washy little bitch?

"—and we just wanted to ask you," Ashido continues, "what makes you think you're _good_ enough for Uraraka?"

Katsuki blankly stares at her.

 _Huh?_

Kirishima — three people away from Ashido — stretches his neck out to look at her. "Hey, I think Bakugou's a pretty great—"

"Yeah, Ashido! He's dope!" Kaminari butts in, defiantly folding his arms together. "If you had _really_ read my letter of rec instead of just laughing at my drawing skills, you would know!"

Sato awkwardly begins shuffling towards the door. "You know, I don't really know Uraraka that well, so, like, maybe I'll just go…"

"I think Bakugou-san would be a ~✦✶✵✺✳︎✷✬◇✧ ✭✶✵✺✳︎✷✬✪✭ ✧◇✦Brilliant✦◇✧ ✭✪✬✷✳︎✺✵✶✭ ✧◇✬✷✳︎✺✵✶✭✦~ match for Uraraka-san!"

Shoji shakes his head at Aoyama's sparkling comment. "Well, I think Bakugou still might have some growing to do before he's ready to be in–"

"Ugh, growth is overrated!" Dark Shadow groans, swiping at the air. "It's all about rushing headfirst into a relationship, inevitably getting your heart broken, and spending the rest of your life wallowing in depressing slam poetry." He shoots a thumbs up at Katsuki. "So _I_ for one am rooting for you, my man!"

Meanwhile, Todoroki looks around the room, taking in everyone's faces one by one. Then, he takes an uncomfortably long look at Katsuki. "I don't know what I'm doing here," the piercing depths of his one icy iris screams.

"Bakugou-san is an illustrious member of the student council, and as the president, I strongly recommend—"

"Indeed. He did try to help me tutor everyone before our exams, and though I can't say he did _well_ as a tutor, he at least—"

"Yeah, he's not bad," Jirou chimes in.

...Who the fuck is this girl and where did the hell did the _real_ Jirou go?

"I'm fine with Bakugou-san dating Uraraka-san, as long as it means he'll stay away from Coco," Koda says.

Katsuki's eyes start threatening to spin out of his skull at this point.

Is Koda still on that angle?

When will the ban _end?_

"Hold on, hold on, ribbit." Froggy holds her hands up at everyone to calm them down. "This is a little, ribbit, confusing, don't you all think?" She raises her hand high up like a teacher's pet in class. "Raise your hand if you're not in favor of Bakugou-chan dating Ochako-chan."

Shoji raises eight of his hands. Ashido joins in on the fun.

"Then all in favor, ribbit?"

Kaminari and Iida both enthusiastically shoot their hands up. Tokoyami calmly raises an arm up, while Dark Shadow throws up both his wings in excitement. Kirishima raises his hand, as does Aoyama, who inserts in a little twirl before doing so. Koda timidly puts a hand up, and Yaoyorozu follows suit. After a moment's worth of hesitancy, Jirou half-heartedly, shamefully raises her hand.

"Sato-chan, Todoroki-chan, I notice, ribbit, that you two didn't vote," Froggy says, turning towards them.

"Does it matter?" Sato asks, pointing at the rest of the crew. "There's already a pretty overwhelming majority here, and it's not like _my_ vote would turn the tides or anything."

"Sato-san! In a democracy, your vote _always—"_

"Iida, you literally staged a coup d'etat and established your own _shadow council._ Who are _you_ to talk about democra—"

"I don't know what I'm doing here," Todoroki repeats. Except this time, out loud.

"Well, I suppose if we're mostly, ribbit, in favor of the two of them dating, then—"

"Let's set them up!" Kaminari suddenly exclaims, eyes wide with a manic, impromptu excitement.

"Dude—"

"Kaminari-san, I believe that would be—"

"How absolutely ~✦✷✬✪✭ ✧◇✶✵✺✳︎✷✬◇✧ ✭✶✵✺✳︎✷✬✪✭ ✧◇✦Spectacular✦◇✧ ✭✪✬✷✳︎✺✵✶✭ ✧◇✬✷✳︎✺✵✶✭◇✧ ✭✪✬✷✦~"

"Ooh, that sounds super fun!" Ashido begins jumping up and down in excitement. "You know what? I change my mind! I think I'm gonna change sides!"

"Ashido-san! In a _true_ democracy, there are no takesies-backsies!"

"How should we set them up?"

"Well, if we're to surreptitiously get the two of them together, we must first learn the art of bird calling. Here is a cockatoo—"

"Okayyy man, let's not."

"Are we in need of any hexes?"

" _Magic?_ Yo dude, that sounds pretty cool—!"

"I'm not sure if magic is up to code…"

"What code?"

"I mean, the—"

Shoji sighs, resignedly shaking his head at the rest of them. "Well, I suppose _someone_ needs to supervise—"

"Haha, _hell_ yeah, Shoji! Join the dark side with us!"

"I just want you all to know, that if anything goes too far, I'll be reporting directly to Aizawa-sen—"

"Awww man, a _snitch?"_

"Come on, man!"

"Shoji-san, even I wouldn't—"

"Yeah! Even _Iida_ wouldn't do that to us, man!"

"—in fact, I would rather report directly to Principal Nezu!"

"...What the _hell,_ Iida?!"

"Can we ban these two?"

"As the student council president, I—"

While the lot of them bicker amongst themselves, Froggy reaches out and begins untying the rope tethering Katsuki to his wooden chair. "Come with me, Bakugou-chan," she says, extending an hand to him.

And because Katsuki's pretty sure he's gonna go deaf if he stays here for any longer, he obediently obliges.

* * *

Look, Katsuki is fully aware that him being obedient to _anything,_ even his own _mother,_ is entirely out of character for him.

He _gets_ that, and he fully regrets his decision.

But regret won't take his actions back.

Remorse can't change the past.

Repentance won't explain why he's sitting here in the middle of Yuuei's garden doing _yoga_ of all things.

"Okay, now bend your body, ribbit, until you're at about a sixty degree angle," Froggy instructs. She places her hands on the ground and begins walking them forwards until her body and the ground form somewhat of an equilateral triangle. "And this, ribbit, is the downward dog position."

No, really, what is the point of this?

"Hey, uh—"

"It's Asui-chan."

"Alright, Asui...chan. Can you just explain to me—"

"Okay, now we're going to stretch our back out and do a plank, ribbit." Asui walks her hands forward again until her back forms a straight line. Katsuki follows suit, to a position he can only refer to as: the _easy_ part of a push up.

"So, Asui," he tries again, "could you just explain why we're—"

"Now, get up back to a standing pose. Taking one leg forward, we're going to follow through with one arm, ribbit, while stretching the other to the sky. _This_ is the triangle pose, ribbit."

"Asui, what—"

"Oh heyyy, guys!" Ashido suddenly materializes in the distance, her voice reverberating from no less than two hundred meters away. "What'cha doin'?"

Behind her is a haphazard conga line of her peers. _And_ Uraraka.

Katsuki _really_ hopes this isn't what he thinks it is.

 **Congratulations! New skill «Foresight» has been gained.**

 _Fuck._

"Looks fun!" Ashido giddily exclaims, only a few tens of feet away from Katsuki now. "Can we join?"

That question of hers, however, was clearly rhetorical, as she immediately sets one of her legs onto the other knee, pushes both palms together, and settles herself into a tree pose.

"Come on, everybody!" she chirps. "Yoga is fun!"

The slight twitch in her eye — as well as the strained muscles along her neck from pulling a forced smile — would like to argue otherwise.

"Come on, Uraraka!" Still holding the tree pose, Ashido flamingo-hops her way over to Uraraka. "Join in on the fun!"

Uraraka warily looks around, eying the rest of her classmates. The second she lays eyes on Todoroki doing a downward dog, she looks so bewildered it seems like she's temporarily lost all function in her brain.

"Uraraka, do the tree!" Ashido says again, this time a little louder. The look in the endless abyss of her eyes demands utter subservience.

Startled, Uraraka has no choice but to oblige. "I...o-okay." She hastily scrambles herself into a tree pose.

And then.

And then...and _then_ Ashido very _obviously_ fakes a trip.

As in, she slowly kicks one leg out, buckles the other knee under her, and "falls" flat on her face. A piece of paper slips out of her pocket.

«Insert image of Katsuki's face taped onto Napoleon's body on David's _Napolean Crossing the Alps. In red marker above, are the words, "Wow, look at this handsome knight in shining armor!"_ »

"Oh no~" Ashido not-so-sincerely calls out. "What's this~?"

Meanwhile, a Dark Shadow doing a Warrior pose at the back of the line is _losing_ it.

Ashido paws around at the ground, faking a desperate urge to retrieve the paper again.

Two more pieces of paper flutter out of her pocket.

Katsuki stares at these mortifying collages.

«Insert image of Uraraka's face pasted onto Fragonard's _The Swing,_ with Bakugou — drawn on blushes on face — pasted onto the man beneath her skirt, saying, "uwuraka!"»

«Insert image of Uraraka's face taped onto Adam in Michelangelo's _The Creation of Adam,_ with Katsuki's face taped onto God. Around him are miscellaneous faces taped onto the surrounding angels.»

David's _Napoleon Crossing the Alps._

Fragonard's _The Swing._

Michelangelo's _The Creation of Adam._

Who knew Ashido was so cultured?

...Scratch that, who knew _he_ was?

"Oh no~" Ashido repeats. "Did you see them?" she asks, gathering up all the papers.

And then she _shoves_ them all in Uraraka's face. "Did you _see_ them?" she repeats, adding an odd enunciation to every word.

Katsuki wants to die.

Actually, fuck that. He's probably _already_ dead.

Because right now, this is _hell._

This is _bullying._

And worst of all, _Uraraka'_ s being dragged into this clusterfuck.

Not wanting to waste a moment more being a hesitant _fuck_ and risking Ashido pulling out even _more_ weird collages, Katsuki grabs Uraraka's and Asui's wrists. "Let's just go and do yoga elsewhere," he says, leading them back to Heights Alliance.

"Ooh~ Yoga elsewhere~"

"I see you, Bakugou! Respect 100!"

"Bakugou-san, if you are to do this 'yoga' 'elsewhere,' then I would highly recommend you—"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP; THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!"

* * *

"Okay, ribbit, you two. Take a deep breath in, ribbit, hold...and then deep breath out."

Asui is sitting cross-legged into a lotus pose on the floor, taking in deep inhalations through her nose and even deeper exhalations out her mouth. "Breathe," she commands.

Katsuki's cross-legged on the floor, too, but unlike Asui — who's calmly meditating with her eyes closed — _his_ eyes are pointed upwards at the sky.

Seriously.

What _is_ this?

Why are they _still_ doing yoga?

Just because he said, "Let's do yoga elsewhere" doesn't mean he _actually_ wanted to do _yoga_ _ **elsewhere.**_

"Asui, you never explained to me why we're—"

"Breathe in, ribbit, breathe out."

"This is pretty relaxing, actually," Uraraka says next to them, while also in lotus pose.

"Ohhh Bakuuugouuu!" Kaminari screams out, suddenly kicking down the door to Asui's room.

"Not anymore," Katsuki catches Uraraka muttering.

"We come bearing gifts!" Kaminari continues, whipping out a cake. "It's Sato's!"

"Come in," Katsuki immediately offers. After all, Katsuki _loves_ Sato's cakes.

Look, if he didn't already have the _biggest_ crush on Uraraka, then Sato would probably be the biggest contender for his heart right about now.

Not just because he can _bake_ some nice cakes, but also because he's a _beefcake_.

 **Congratulations! New Move «Dad Jokes» has been added to your arsenal of attacks. But you already know four moves! Should a Move be forgotten to make space for «Dad Jokes»?**

• **Right Jab**

• **Left Kick**

• **Leer**

 **» Pride**

 **Are you sure you would like to delete your «Pride» to make room for «Dad Jokes»?**

 **» Yes**

 **1, 2 and...POOF! Congratulations! You are a «Fool».**

"Strawberry shortcake?!" Uraraka exclaims with glee, immediately taking up a fork to dig in.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, cake, cake, cake," Ashido says, verbally brushing the cake aside. "More importantly"—she hoists what looks to be an empty wine bottle in the air—"I have this!"

Iida immediately _busts_ his head through the crack in the door. "As the student council president leading a group of future pro heroes, I cannot condone underage—"

"Chill out, man." Kirishima yanks Iida through the threshold. "It's just some, uh"—Kirishima takes a quick glance at the label—"sparkling—"

"~◇✧ SPARKLING ✧◇~"

"—apple—"

"~✵✺✳︎APPLE✳︎✺✵~"

"—ci—"

"~✦✷✬✪✭CIDER✭✪✬✷✦~"

"—non-alcoholic, of course."

"Oh. Yes, then...in that case, I can fully condone—"

"Haha _yeah!"_ Ashido exclaims, plopping herself straight down onto Asui's floor. "We're gonna play Spin the Bottle!"

Oh no.

Katsuki doesn't like where this is going.

All of the kids Katsuki can recognize by name also begin sitting their asses on the floor in a circle that more so resembles an _amoeba_ than anything else.

And before he knows it, they've forced Katsuki's attendance into the circle as well, by sheer virtue of just gathering _around_ him.

"Uraraka," Kaminari says, snatching the empty bottle from Ashido and 'casually' handing it over to Uraraka. "You wanna start?"

"I—"

"You're starting," he demands. Katsuki has never _seen_ the guy look so assertive in his life.

The ends of Uraraka's lips pull down on her face as the tips of her fingers hesitantly tap against the cold glass of the bottle.

"Come on," Kaminari insists, forcing the bottle on her again. There's a dangerously mischievous glint in his eyes.

Uraraka sighs, but ultimately relents. Finally taking the bottle in her hands, she sets it in the middle of the…"circle" and weakly spins it.

It barely budges a few centimeters.

"Awww, come on!" Ashido whines. "You gotta do more than that!"

"Yeah!" Dark Shadow joins in. Taking the bottle in his wing, he says, "Give it a little... _spin."_ And then he aggressively flicks it in a clockwise direction.

The bottle begins whirling around, so fast it devolves into nothing more than a blur. The second it slows down enough for the cap end to start making itself clear, Katsuki notes the expression on everyone's faces as it points at them one by one.

Ashido is pumping her fists in the air in anticipation. Kaminari is a bundle of jolted nerves, giggling to himself with his fingers crossed. Next to him, Jirou sits in stark contrast — legs loosely tucked under her, she casually leans back on one arm, barely paying any attention to the bottle's direction. Towards her left, Shoji is covering his eyes with all ten of his hands, and sitting directly across from him, Yaoyorozu is following suit (albeit, with just her _two_ hands). Sato, on Shoji's other side, doesn't seem to give a shit, as he voraciously begins chowing down on his own cake. Kirishima keeps stealing glances in Katsuki's direction and Tokoyami is taking a nap. Likewise, Asui — who somehow got caught in the circle too — is still in lotus position on the floor. Aoyama, meanwhile, is sitting perfectly upright on his lonesome — sparkling, as per usual. Nearby, Todoroki and Koda look like they want to _leave,_ considering how badly they keep eying the door, and Iida looks like he wants them to absolutely, definitely _stay,_ considering how badly he keeps eying _them_ to keep their asses sat on the floor.

Uraraka looks like she's been trapped into an undesirable situation.

The bottle begins to slow ever more, eventually rounding the circle at a snail's pace.

And seeing this, Kaminari and Ashido look like they're about to bounce into the stratosphere out of excitement.

Slowly teetering around, the bottle finally slows to a definite halt, landing on...Shoji.

"Alright, which of Shoji's mouths are you gonna kiss?" Dark Shadow jeers, pointing at Shoji. "Tentacle mouth one or tentacle mouth two?"

"Uh…"

"Oh look at that!" Ashido suddenly exclaims, pointing at the ceiling.

"Look at wha—"

" _Whoops!"_ Taking advantage of her distraction, Ashido zealously spins the bottle again. "Oh no~ My hand slipped!" Hand on her head, she feigns remorse. But the slight showing of a toothy grin alerts everyone to her true intentions.

Once again, the bottle spins at an otherworldly speed, before finally coming to a stop at...an incredibly shocked Yaoyorozu.

Ashido pouts. Not even bothering to fake a distraction this time, she flicks the bottle again. " _Whoops!"_

It lands on Koda.

"I said... _whoops!"_

This time, it stops at Aoyama.

" _ **WHOOPS."**_

It lands on Katsuki.

Seeing this, Ashido's frown immediately flips on its head, transforming into an impish grin. "Oh, would you look at that!" she squeals. "It landed on Bakugou!"

"Come on, Uraraka!" Kaminari shouts out, as if on cue. "Give him a kiss!"

Miscellaneous other peers join in on the excitement.

"Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!" Dark Shadow heckles, rhythmically pumping his wings up and down in tandem with his exclamations.

"I—" Uraraka looks nervously around the room, before her gaze awkwardly lands on Katsuki. And then she meekly averts her eyes again. "I...can it just be a hug instead?"

Kaminari vehemently shakes his head. "No, you gotta kiss. It's the name of the game."

"The name of the game," Iida interjects, "is Spin the Bott—"

"That's not what I _meant,_ Iida!"

"Does it"—Uraraka quietly murmurs, scratching at her arm in an obvious onslaught of anxiety—"does it _have_ to be on the mouth?"

"Haha, _yes."_

"Well, can we instead just—"

"Uraraka-san," Yayaorozu suddenly pipes up. "Is this a matter of it being Bakugou-san?" Her eyebrows knit together in concern. "Would you rather be kissing someone else?"

"Well, I mean—"

"Who would you _rather_ kiss, then?" Jirou chimes in.

"I mean, if it's about who I'd _rather_ kiss, I...um—"

The sound of glass shattering in the distance rings in everyone's ears. Alarmed, everyone looks around, trying to figure out what's happened. And in the midst of all this, Katsuki — fresh out of chucking a glass bottle out the window of a fifth floor dorm — indignantly slips out of the room.

 _Really,_ he doesn't think his heart can handle hearing about who Uraraka would _rather_ get a kiss from.

* * *

Katsuki trudges around his room in circles.

Uraraka didn't want to kiss him.

Well, _fine,_ that's to be expected. It's not like she liked him, anyway.

But those _eyes_ of hers that darted around to look at everywhere _but_ him, those _lips_ of hers that kept coming up with any excuse not to meet his, that slight _tremor_ in her voice as she kept dodging the question over and over.

He _knows_ that she doesn't like him. And he's _accepted_ that by now.

But that doesn't change the fact that rejection still fucking _hurts._

 _Especially_ when it's rejection in such a public setting.

His embarrassment pools in his chest, refusing to escape the asylum of his lungs. He can't breathe. _Fuck,_ he can't _breathe._

Katsuki stops himself in place, forcing his eyelids shut to concentrate on his breathing. But no matter how deep of a huff of air he takes, they refuse to puncture through his trachea, instead bouncing off his lungs like impermeable trampolines.

He can't _breathe,_ and at this point, he's _hyperventilating._

What can he do?

Does he know _anything_ to do?

Katsuki's so asphyxiated at this point, that he's pretty sure he can see his life flashing before his eyes.

Oh hey, there's him being a little shit at the age of seven. There's him getting into Yuuei about a year ago. There's him fighting Uraraka at the sports festival, promptly followed by an image of him getting rejected from her. There's him getting rejected by her over and over throughout his trials and tribulations making friends.

Damn, is dying _supposed_ to hurt this bad?

He's always known there would be physical pain associated with it, but _emotional_ as well? Fuck, dude.

As his final memory before his death, an image of him doing yoga today flickers in front of him.

 _Yoga._

No.

No, absolutely the _fuck—_

Katsuki pauses.

He's seeing stars now, so apparently the answer is absolutely the fuck _yes,_ he _should_ do yoga.

 _Damn._

Obsequiously plopping his ass down on the ground, Katsuki awkwardly forces himself into a lotus pose. Closing his eyes again — this time with _much less_ pressure — he focuses on...well, nothing. Emptying his brain, he thinks only of his breathing.

In, like a balloon slowly filling up.

Out, like a bowl of water leisurely tipping out.

In, like bread rising in the oven.

Out, like exhaust sputtering out of a car engine.

As he continues this, he feels air _actually_ entering his lungs and beginning to circulate around the rest of his body.

He opens his eyes again at the startling realization.

Yoga...actually _works?_

He scrambles back up to his feet.

Hey, if this _mediation_ shit worked, then what about those other poses?

Katsuki immediately bends down, touching his toes. And then he walks his hands forwards in a downward dog.

You know, now that he thinks of it, this is actually a _really_ nice stretch—

It's just at that moment that someone decides to knock _once_ on his door and force their way in.

Just to walk in on Katsuki, with his ass pointed to the door.

It's a face-to-ass meet-cute, if you will.

"Bakugou-chan?" the person asks. "What're you doing, ribbit?" A pause. "Yoga?"

Blood — for more reasons than just by virtue of his head being upside down — is rushing to Katsuki's face as he stares at Asui from between his legs. "N-no…"

"Ribbit."

"I was just...trying to get something."

"...Ribbit."

"It's not what you think—"

" _Ribbit."_

"Okay, okay, _fine."_ Katsuki finally surrenders. He's not sure if it's from a sense of feeling slighted, or from utter dizziness at this point. "I...I'm doing _yoga."_

"Ribbit."

Katsuki forces himself back up again, sighing as the pool of blood in his head finally gets to circulate back into the rest of his body. "I was...doing _yoga"_ —he spits the word out—"and it _worked_ and meditation was calming and helped me _breathe,_ alright?"

Asui nods, her tongue sticking out ever so slightly from her lips. She casually looks around the room, before her eyes widen ever so slightly. She looks back at Katsuki. "Yeah, of course you had trouble breathing, ribbit." She points at something behind him. "Your window's still closed."

Katsuki glances over his shoulder.

Sure enough, his window is still padlocked shut.

He is.

So.

Fucking.

 _Stupid._

And, what's more, this just means that yoga really _doesn't_ fucking work.

Storming to the window, he opens it with an irate flourish, and turns back around to Asui. "If meditation and _breathing shit_ doesn't actually work, then what was the point of teaching me _yoga_ today?"

Asui blinks. "Well, they _do_ work." She shakes her head a little. "I just wanted to point out that your room was stuffy." Finger on her chin, she asks, "Yoga helped you with mediation, ribbit?"

"Well, yes—"

"It calmed you down, ribbit?"

"Yeah…"

She smiles. "That's great!"

No.

No, _not_ great.

"That still doesn't answer my _question,"_ he demands.

She sighs, looking somewhat irritated at _his_ irritation. "I've heard about your, ribbit, friendship exploits recently, Bakugou-chan. And considering how much a lot of other people in class seem to like you now, I just wanted to see if you had changed, ribbit."

Katsuki rubs at his temples. _What?_ "And how was _yoga_ supposed to help you with that—"

"I just, ribbit, wanted to see if you _could_ get into a calmer disposition now."

"Right."

"To, ribbit, see if you had really grown as a person the way other kids seem to say you have."

"Right."

"And I wanted to see, ribbit, if you were worthy of Ochako-chan now."

"...Wrong."

" _Ribbit?"_

Katsuki glowers, tightening his fist. He's just about _had_ it with all these 1-A kids today. "Recommendation letter _this,_ worthy of Uraraka _that."_ He swipes at the air. "You realize, right, that it doesn't matter how much of a match _other_ people think she and I are? Who cares if _you_ think I'm a good match for Uraraka—"

Asui frowns for the first time all day. "I'm one of Ochako-chan's best friends—"

"—because ultimately, the _only_ person to decide whether or not I'm a match for her is _her,"_ he concludes.

For a second, the girl looks taken aback, before slowly settling back into her usual lax pose. But now, there's a lack of tenseness even in her eyes, and a hint of a smile gracing her lips.

"Look, Asui—"

"You can call me Tsu." She nods her head at him.

"...Alright, Tsu." He gives her a quizzical look. He thought she said her name was Asui before, so what the heck is a _Tsu?_ "It's not like _I"_ —he lays a hand over his heart, in an uncharacteristic act of sincerity—"can't respect the opinions of Uraraka's closest friends, but it's also just fucking _dumb_ for everyone to go running around acting as proxy for her decisions."

Asui licks her lips a little, before folding the tip of her tongue back into her mouth. "Bakugou-chan," she says, a softness setting into her features, "I think you've come a long way."

"Wha—"

"HEY, KIDS!" Someone kicks down Katsuki's door and busts his way through the threshold.

It's Kaminari.

"WHO WANTS TO PLAY SOME GAMES?"

Thrown over his shoulder like a potato sack is Uraraka, who's pounding her fists against his chest and knees against his back in protest.

"We're going to do a cooking contest!" Sato declares, a _knife_ already in hand.

"It's in teams of two," Koda adds, and Katsuki notices the two of them are already in matching red aprons.

" _That wasn't the plan,"_ Kaminari hisses at the two of them, in a way that Katsuki assumes was supposed to be discreet. But considering how permanently fried Kaminari's brain is, nothing that guy does _ever_ goes to plan.

Seriously, what _does_ Jirou see in a guy like that, anyway?

"We're going to watch some—"

"~◇✧TWINKLING✧◇~

"—movies together!" Kirishima exclaims, adding his voice to the fray.

"No, no, no!" Ashido shouts. "We're gonna play Seven Minutes in Heaven!" She rubs her chin, mischievous glint in her eyes. "You and Uraraka are gonna go first, okay?" she says, waggling her eyebrows.

Behind her, Todoroki sighs. "So we're _not_ doing a cooking contest?" He looks dejectedly down at the empty soba bowl in his hands.

"Bakugou-san! Uraraka-san! I have arranged for you two an amusement park date tomorrow! Take these two tick—"

" _No,_ Iida. You're supposed to say that it's a group field trip, before we all come up with excuses on why we can't go!"

"Oh. Well…" Iida's glasses fog over for a moment, as he ponders how to go about this. A lightbulb goes off in the reflection of his frames. "Bakugou-san! Uraraka-san! I have arranged a class field trip to the amusement park tomorrow. But because of incoming weather conditions, neither me — nor anyone else in the class — can make it tomorro—"

" _Dude."_

"How about another shopping trip?"

"Why, yes! A fashion show sounds absolutely splen—"

"I still think Seven Minutes in Heaven would be—"

"What about a game of Truth or Dare?"

"Can I suggest charades instead?"

"How would _charades_ foster a romantic connection, Shoji?"

"Well—"

Amidst all this chaos, Katsuki looks back towards Uraraka's figure, who is now resignedly slumping on Kaminari's shoulders.

And, you know what?

As much as it irritates the _shit_ out of Katsuki that _he_ has to deal with this, it absolute _incenses_ him that _Uraraka_ has to be deal with all this unwarranted attention.

Because, you know what? His dumb crush is for him to deal with _alone._ And it's _not_ something that him or _anyone else_ can force Uraraka to oblige to.

" _Enough already,"_ he yells out. The room immediately falls silent. "Quit it with your recommendation letters and obvious attempts at getting me and Uraraka together, okay?" Pointing at an Uraraka who looks almost at the point of frustrated tears, he cries out, "Can't you see you're making her uncomfortable?"

"Uhm…" Unable to let go of Katsuki's burning gaze, Kaminari slowly sets Uraraka off his shoulders. "Oh...uh...sorry man." He twiddles his thumbs. "It was all in good fun, really."

Katsuki scowls at the lot of them. "If you think that shit was _fun,_ then you can all get out of my room right now and look up what that word _actually_ means in the dictionary."

"Baku—"

"Get out."

"But Ba—"

"I said _get out!"_

In a final cacophony of moans and groans, the 1-A kids all shuffle out of Katsuki's room — with an amused Asui leading a perplexed Uraraka out the door.

* * *

 **Sometime Later, Uraraka's Room**

"Hey."

"Ribbit."

"You know, that whole thing today, with Bakugou-kun…"

"Ribbit?"

"Yeah, at the end of the day. When he was, like, telling everyone off."

"Ribbit."

"I know, I know, it's _him_ of all people. But you know, it was—"

"...Ribbit?"

"It was... _argh._ It was kinda _hot,_ you know?"

" _Ribbit~"_

* * *

 **A/N:** Anyway, so I think the next chapter is Sero, but I'm not entirely sure since I don't have any concrete plans right now, haha. I'm gonna reply to some of your reviews here:

 **Guest:** HAHAHA, thanks so much for telling me this! I can't believe I forgot which team Kaminari was on! I'll go and make edits later, but thank you so much for making me aware of my mistake LOL.

 **ILiekFishes:** Ah, yes! I'm gonna say that for all the reasons you said that the sentence is wrong, is why I intentionally structured them that way, haha. A lot of my humor is based on subverting expectation, so I thought that by sorta inverting that kind of sentence structure, it would be an interesting surprise to the readers. That's not to say I did it _well_ haha, if it doesn't read as intentional, so thanks for pointing it out! I'll try to figure out if I can make the joke more obvious, or how I can just improve on syntactical jokes in the future haha.

 **TheSilverHunt3r:** Ooh, Bakugou as the fashion guru for the entire group sounds like a fun idea! Idk if I can ever fit that in in the future, but I'll keep it in mind. Thanks!

 **Ta11gir11:** Omg, thank you so much! I'm very happy that that line made you cringe enough you had to walk it off around your room LOL. Thank you so much, I'm so happy you like my writing. That makes me so happy, thank you!

Sorry, I'm rushed today so I can't reply to everyone's reviews like last time, but I truly appreciate all of them. Thank you so much for reading, and I hope I can update as consistently as I have been the past few chapters! See you next chapter!


	15. A Strong Bond

**A/N:** Sorry that I uploaded this a day later than I planned, haha. Hopefully the chapter makes up for the short delay, though!

* * *

Katsuki should've known better. He _really_ should've known better.

After all, he's gone to _school_ with these fools for almost a year now and _lived_ with them for several of those months, so he _should have known._

When you tell 1-A kids to fuck off, all they do is grow stronger.

And _this_ time, they've added another character to their party roster.

"What are you doing in front of my room?" Katsuki asks, slowly dragging his hand down his face.

Because it's _eight._

In the _morning._

On a _**Sunday.**_

"Well," Soy Sauce says, pointing at himself, "you know my quirk, right, Bakugou?"

No, Katsuki doesn't.

Squinting his eyes now in a combination of both irritation and exhaustion, Katsuki repeats himself. "What are you doing in front of my room?"

"The rest of the class, actually"—ever present smile on his face, Soy Sauce points at the gaggle of kids behind him, packed into the hallway like canned sardines—"say that you're having a bit of trouble with love, and called on me to help!"

Katsuki shuts the door.

It's too early for this. He doesn't _understand_ what's even going on. Soy Sauce shows up at his door with the 1-A kids in tow, and starts babbling on about his quirk? Where is the _logic_ in anything he even said?

"Bakugou, let me in!" Soy Sauce bangs his hands on the door. "It's really important!" A few snickers sound off behind him.

 _Sons of—_

Katsuki flings open the door, bonking Soy Sauce on his head a bit. _Good._

" _What_ do you _want?"_ Katsuki spits out, realizing far too late that it's been seven minutes since he's gotten out of bed, meaning he probably won't be able to go back to sleep anymore. _Bad._

Soy Sauce doesn't even bat an eyelid at Katsuki's angry tone, though. Rather, he doubles down. "Since everyone was talking about how you're having trouble with love, I thought that I could help get you and Uraraka to"—waggling his eyebrows, he shoots out half a meter of tape from his elbow—" _stick_ together as a couple."

Katsuki shuts the door.

"N-no wait!" Soy Sauce begins furiously banging his hands on the door again. "C'mon man! Hear me out!"

"No."

"But they—"

" _They_ were told yesterday that their antics _sucked."_

"Well, yes, but—"

" _But_ why are they continuing if I already told them to _knock it off?"_

For a moment, both sides fall silent.

For a _very blissful_ moment, there is for once _silence_ at Yuuei.

Tranquility.

Serenity.

 _Peace._

It's all anyone at Yuuei (who aren't three-quarters of the 1-A class) could ask for, really.

And then...Kaminari just has to go ahead and ruin it. "You _did_ tell us to knock it off last time, but get this... _get this._ This time...it's _different."_

Katsuki scoffs through the wood of his door. It's a hefty scoff. "You're saying you have a plan to get me and Uraraka together, and it's _different_ from yesterday?"

"Yeah!"

 _Bullshit._

"Then let's hear it this time," he demands, already mentally counting to ten because that's all the time for explanation he's gonna allow these chucklefucks.

"S-so last time"—Kaminari's voice wavers a bit, like a low tremolo attempting to percolate through thick oak—"we tried to take Uraraka to you."

All the memories of yesterday that Katsuki has magically suppressed up until now suddenly come rushing back to his head like a tsunami...during a typhoon...that's also in the middle of a hurricane.

In other words, Kaminari's words just painfully dug up all of Katsuki's trauma from yesterday.

"But _this_ time..." Kaminari continues (because of _course_ he continues; it's not like Kaminari can _see_ the displeasure seeping out of Katsuki's pores, and it's not like he would _care_ even if he _could),_ "this time we're going to bring _you_ to _her."_

Ah, yes, okay. So _this_ time, instead of bringing Uraraka to Katsuki, they're going to bring _Katsuki_ over to _her._

Ah.

Yeah.

Yes.

 _No._

That's literally—

" _How is that any different?"_ Katsuki grits his teeth, pinching the bridge of his nose in exasperation.

"It's _very_ different," Kaminari insists.

Flinging the door open once more, Katsuki yells out, "They are literally the _same_ thing. They come out as the _same outcome._ Two plus three equals five and three plus two _also equals five._ It's the _same fucking—"_

"Get him," Kaminari says.

And suddenly, a sack is thrown over Katsuki's head and the world goes black.

 **Congratulations! Your EXP in** **«Kidnapping» has reached its maximum level! The title «Lost & Never Found» has been added to your list of skills. **

* * *

When the sack is finally lifted from his head — and when Katsuki's eyes have finally adjusted to the extreme change in lighting — he realizes he's in the common room.

These kids...really _sacked_ him...just so they could take him down _four flights of stairs?_

Did they even _consider_ asking him to just _walk_ that?

Actually, he probably would've just thrown on some headphones and gone back to sleep if they _had,_ so he guesses he gets their line of reasoning now.

"What are we doing h—"

"We're going to land you a date!" Soy Sauce confidently declares, hands on hips.

"…"

Katsuki couldn't even land a date on his _own._ What makes _these_ dumb kids think _their_ aid will help him fare any better?

"Why…" Katsuki licks his lips, trying to find the right words to explain himself here. "W-why... _why?"_

Katsuki forgets, sometimes, that he's an idiot and doesn't know _any_ words.

"We just" —Soy Sauce looks around the rest of the party for moral support, before awkwardly shrugging his shoulders—"want to see you and Uraraka get together."

He's lying.

Katsuki can _feel_ it.

In fact, he doesn't even need to _feel_ anything, because based on the laughter pouring out of Dark Shadow's obsidian gullet, the _real_ reason why any of these kids are doing _anything_ is because they think it's fun to make fun of Katsuki.

Jirou...is a _terrible_ influence on these kids. _Especially_ on Kaminari, who's clearly the ringleader in all this.

She should be quarantined.

Preferably forever.

"And why did they need _you"—_ Katsukis briefly juts his chin out at Soy Sauce—"to be here today?"

"Oh." Soy Sauce's eyes anxiously flicker around the room. "I, well…" Nervously catching his breath, he shakily looks down at the floor. And then, not a moment later, he _whips_ his head back up with a sudden steely glint in his eyes, earnestly declaring, "I'm 1-A's resident matchmaker, of course!" The amount of unwarranted confidence brimming from that comment — all whilst jabbing a thumb directly into his chest — is _staggering._

"What are your credentials?" Katsuki asks, incredulous at the sheer gall of this boy.

Soy Sauce's face somehow manages to light up even more. Sticking his nose condescendingly out in the air, he says, "I'm going to _stick_ you two together in a room." He shoots out a length of tape from his right elbow. "And then maybe even get you two into a real _sticky_ situation." He shoots out a length of tape from his _left_ elbow, this time accompanied by a wink. "So I'm gonna teach you some pick-up lines that'll really _stick."_ Giving a twirl, he shoots out tape from _both_ his elbows this time, resulting in an Aoyama-level flamboyant display of ribbon dancing.

"Is your quirk that you can only use one stale pun?"

Soy Sauce frowns. "No. I just want to help you establish a strong _bond,_ man." Reflexively, he shoots off some more tape.

"Oh. So you know _two_ puns."

Ashido lets out a low whistle.

"Oof," Sato mumbles.

Soy Sauce throws his hands up in the air at this point. Turning over to Kaminari, he demands, "Why did you drag me into this? Why am _I_ the one to have to do this?"

"W-well"—Kaminari gulps, eyebrows furrowed a bit in confusion—"you kinda wanted to join in, and this was your idea, so—"

Soy Sauce turns around again to face Katsuki. "Curse my need to be included in everything," he swears beneath his breath. "Anyway." He claps his hands together, signalling a rough transition into his next segment. "Pickup lines. Here's the plan."

Katsuki starts walking away.

But then someone's hand reaches out, grabbing his collar and dragging him back.

 _Fuck._

"So you're going to sit on _that_ table over there." Soy Sauce points at a random table in the middle of the dining section of the common room. "And we're going to sit around you in discreet locations." He waves his arms haphazardly about, indicating the same feeling as, "Yeah, we're just gonna sit _wherever."_ Then, digging for something in his pocket, he continues, "You're gonna lure Uraraka to you, and when you do, we're gonna talk to you through this earpiece." He hands an earpiece to Katsuki, who immediately snatches it out of his hand.

"And you think she won't notice this?" Katsuki growls, waving the earpiece in Soy Sauce's dumb Soy Sauce face.

"Shh, she's coming down now," Soy Sauce whispers, raising one finger to his lips. Katsuki's lips.

It's very uncomfortable.

And then Soy Sauce pushes Katsuki onto a table and assumes his position...of standing right next to the large, floor-to-wall windows with his hands in his pockets — doing nothing.

Because _that's_ so fucking normal.

At this signal of his, the rest of the 1-A kids also begin dispersing around the room.

Ashido, Jirou, Kaminari, Kirishima, and Tokoyami all gather at a dining table directly next to Katsuki's, giggling amongst themselves over their continued 'matchmaking' shenanigans. Iida, meanwhile, is standing _not at all discreetly_ on top of the marble counters — pom-poms already in hand to cheer Katsuki on in his endeavors. Nearby, Aoyama is raiding the fridge for cheeses that might potentially entertain him more than whatever mess Katsuki is inevitably about to get himself into, and Yaoyorozu is shaking her head like a disapproving mother at all of them — while still participating by sitting at a table directly behind Katsuki's. And the rest — Sato, Koda, Shoji, and Todoroki — all seem to unanimously agree to stay as _far_ away from this shitshow as possible and all squeeze into the furthest section of the couch that they can, as if not even wanting to breathe the same air as those in the dining hall. (And yes, by squeezing into the furthest section of the couch, Katsuki _indeed_ means that they were sitting on top of each other.)

"She's coming!" Soy Sauce yelps into his end of the earpiece, scrambling to safety at Kaminari and Krew's table. "Remember the plan!"

And then Uraraka gracefully descends upon the common room like an angel to the earth, Tsu in tow.

Tsu.

Katsuki squints his eyes.

 _Tsu._

Of _all_ the 1-A kids he thought he could trust, Tsu was the _only one._ Really, after yesterday, he expected _so much more_ from her. After all, she was the only one who _didn't_ laugh along at Ashido's awful collages (which, yes, absolutely _bankrupted_ all of Yuuei's printing ink yesterday).

But now _Tsu's_ in on this too?

Katsuki was really banking on her being his escape plan through this, so now he's _really_ fucked.

Well, this is a lesson learned in not trusting people you've only met _yesterday,_ Katsuki supposes.

As all of these thoughts sprint through his brain like an unyielding high school track star at a first-grade soccer match, Uraraka's eyes do a onceover of the room, before landing on Katsuki. At this, a hint of crimson speckles her cheeks as she abruptly turns to Tsu, whispering something to her beneath her breath. After a moment's thought, Tsu gives a slight nod of the head at Uraraka, encouraging her to persist with whatever Uraraka is thinking of doing.

And then, gaze locking onto Katsuki once more, Uraraka does a slight huff of determination, clenches her fists loosely together, and stalks her way down the common room.

"Oh hey, Uraraka!" Kaminari not-so-subtly shouts out with a wave. "Fancy seeing _you_ here, pardner!"

Jirou elbows him in the ribs. "Stop talking like that," she hisses.

Kaminari nevertheless persists, steeling himself through the pain. "Why, we'd _love_ to have you sit with us, but _alas"_ — he waves his arm across the table—"there's no more room here." At this apparent cue, Ashido holds up a paper with a sad face scribbled onto it.

Uraraka ignores them.

"Oh my, Uraraka-san," Yaoyorozu sounds off. "I would love to have you accompany me, but I'm studying for our upcoming exam, and would appreciate some quiet study time alone." Strewn about her desk are all sorts of textbooks and miscellaneous homework assignments. That have already been completed. Two months ago. "My apologies," Yaoyorozu sheepishly says.

Uraraka ignores her too.

"Don't sit with us," Todoroki bluntly chimes in, attempting to balance himself on top of Koda's lap, who is — in turn — sitting atop Sato's lap, which is seated upon Shoji's lap. Of which is still seated onto the very, very edge of the couch.

Katsuki isn't sure if the couch is actually tipping over, or if all this has caused his brain to melt, and that he's just hallucinating at this point.

But Uraraka pays them no mind either.

Instead, she immediately makes a beeline towards Katsuki's table and plops her ass down directly across from him.

"O-oh," Katsuki can hear Soy Sauce murmur through his earpiece. "That was faster than we expected."

"S-So," Uraraka says, awkwardly resting her chin on a net of fingers, "W-what's up with _you_ today, Bakugou-kun?"

For a second, Katsuki's vision goes pure white.

Then black.

Then to peachy pink.

...What the fuck is happening here?

"H-how's your day been?" Uraraka continues, her smile faltering a bit.

"I...uh…" Katsuki's eyes anxiously dart around, looking everywhere but at her. "Uh...it's been...good, I guess?"

"Oh. Good." Uraraka shyly forces out a few laughs, scratching her temple a bit. "That's...good!" She looks down, biting her lips. "Yeah, that's...good."

"Yeah, I-I guess it is…"

"Yeah."

"Yeah…"

"Bakugou, what are you doing?" Soy Sauce hisses into the earpiece. "Just look at what your conversation is doing to us!"

Sure enough, just in Katsuki's right peripheral vision, he catches the vague silhouettes of Kaminari and Krew all splayed over the table, overheating in their secondhand embarrassment.

"Just listen to me and do what I say!" Soy Sauce demands. Katsuki can feel the glare in his words. "Put a hand on her shoulder."

Without a second thought, Katsuki puts a hand on her shoulder.

"Lean in."

Unquestioning, Katsuki leans in.

"Say—"

Katsuki opens his mouth just a tad.

"Hey…"

"Hey, you come here often?" is the phrase that finally slithers its way out of Katsuki's mouth like a grubby little gremlin finally seeing the light of day for the very first time.

"..."

Hearing Katsuki's highly _inspired_ speech, Uraraka's face immediately goes blank. Blinking a couple of times, her thoughts race across her eyes like a slot machine that just can't match all three symbols together.

"D-Do I...come here often?" she repeats, shooting Katsuki a quizzical look.

"Say yes!" Soy Sauce instructs through the earpiece.

"Uh...yeah."

"Bakugou-kun, this is _school._ Of _course_ I come here often."

At her sudden biting words, Katsuki's head _finally_ makes its way down to Earth. _Fuck._

"Also I live here," she says, cementing the final nail in his social coffin.

Katsuki actually wishes he could be in a real coffin right about now. "Uh, look…"

"Okay, here's another one," Soy Sauce insists. "I swear I've—"

"I swear I've seen you in class before. Oh that's right, we have chemistry together."

Katsuki slowly inhales through gritted teeth, eyes opening wide with the realization of what he just said. And you know what? The thing is, Katsuki can't even blame Soy Sauce for these shit pickup lines because Katsuki is the one who keeps saying them out of his own free will, _apparently._

"Bakugou-kun, we _do_ have science together..." Uraraka says, taking a sharp breath before continuing with: "We have _all_ our classes together."

Katsuki licks his lips. He...yeah, he doesn't have a defense for this. It really _is_ his fault for going along with this shit.

"Bakugou, say this: I'm a—"

"I'm a thief, and I'm off to steal your heart."

Katsuki breathes a heavy sigh. Fool him once, shame on you. Fool him twice, shame on him. Fool him three times, and you might as well just drown him in a pool of his own misery.

"We're training to be professional heroes," Uraraka deadpans. "And that's illegal."

That pickup line — Katsuki _bangs_ his hand on the desk, willing himself not to punch himself in the face right about now — really _is_ illegal, _in more ways than just one._

"Say, hi, my name is James. Let's bond!" Soy Sauce almost shouts into the earpiece, trying his damndest to resuscitate the situation.

But at this point, Katsuki has to put his proverbial foot down.

Because he absolutely will not say that.

Look, Katsuki's already gone through too many of Soy Sauce's shit-tier puns today, and he's not about to make Uraraka go through that too.

"If I was a superhero, I'd be BlanketMan, because I've got you covered."

"You're about to be _DeadMan_ if you think I'd seriously say that," Katsuki hisses into his earpiece.

Unperturbed, Soy Sauce only responds, "I think that's copyrighted."

"No, that's Deadpool," Tokoyami says next to him.

At this point, Iida hops off the countertops and sprints towards Soy Sauce's table. Ripping the earpiece out of Soy Sauce's ear, he earnestly declares, "Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?"

"Oooh Iida, that's a good one!" Ashido claps her hands together. "Let me try! Uh...Are you an alien? Because y-you...just abducted my heart!"

"I wanna have a go!" Kirishima shouts out. "Say: Wanna feel my manly muscles?"

"That's not a pickup line," Ashido says, trailing the last word much longer than necessary.

"Here, let me." Tokoyami takes the earpiece and, cooly leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms, he says, "If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would probably just leave it how it is because none of this matters and life is meaningless."

"...Tokoyami, that's just depressing," Dark Shadow is the first to say.

"Ugh!" Soy Sauce tears the earpiece out of Tokoyami's hand. Frantically searching the room for inspiration, he finally spits out, "Your eyes are as blue as the ocean! And baby, I'm lost at sea!"

At this point, Katsuki has to take a moment of silence.

"Her eyes," he finally begins, his teeth subconsciously gnawing against each other in irritation, "are _brown."_

"O-Oh." Soy Sauce's voice sounds sheepish now. "S-Sorry. Todoroki's eye was just the first thing I saw, so—"

"Just ask her if it hurt when she fell from heaven!"

"If looks could kill, you'd be a weapon of mass destruction!"

"Did you swallow magnets? Because, baby, you're attractive!"

"Dude, just ask her out like a normal person."

"Life without you is like a broken pencil — pointless."

"Even if there wasn't gravity on Earth, I'd still fall for you!"

Katsuki groans. At this point, they're yelling so loud that Katsuki doesn't even need the earpiece to hear them anymore. And based on the tired look on Uraraka's face, she _definitely_ knows what's up now.

He...should have never gone along with 1-A's antics. In fact, it probably would've been better to have just taken Soy Sauce's pun-tape off the ceilings and taped his mouth shut today.

* * *

"Okay, so the _last_ plan didn't work…"

"Didn't work?"

"Yeah, but—"

" _Didn't work?!"_

"Okay, maybe—"

"Dude, she figured out what you guys were trying to do within _two minutes!"_

"...Yeah, but"—Soy Sauce holds his hands up in an attempt to calm Katsuki—"this time it's _different."_

"..."

"So, yeah, we're going to—"

"You said it was different _last time."_

"And it _was,_ wasn't it?" Kaminari shouts out.

All three of them — plus the rest of the 1-A kids — are all crammed into Kaminari's room, twelve of them trying to brainstorm the next scheme, and one of them trying to get _out_ of the next scheme.

One of them being Katsuki, _of course._

"How many of your pickup artist scams have even _worked_ before?" Katsuki demands.

Soy Sauce blanches. "Uh…" He twiddles his thumbs together. "W-well—"

"Well _what?"_

"Well, let's just say the number is between 0 and...500…"

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Oh, okay then. I guess that's—"

"Inclusive."

"...You _motherfu—"_

"O-kay!" Ashido claps her hands together, effectively ending Katsuki's impending temper tantrum before it can even start. "Our next plan is icebreakers."

"Icebreakers?" Todoroki's head pops up in the overcrowded room. Flicking his left wrist, a sudden burst of fire sets the room alight.

"Todoroki, please put that out," one of Shoji's arm-mouths says.

"Yeah, we're not talking about _that_ kind of icebreaker," Sato adds.

"Oh…" Todoroki extinguishes his flame. It seems he extinguishes his excitement along with it.

"So, here's the plan," Soy Sauce says. "We're going to get you and Uraraka in a room together."

Katsuki huffs. "This is the same plan as last time."

"We're going to stand around the room in discreet locations."

" _This is the same plan as last time."_

"And we're gonna talk to you through _this_ earpiece."

" _ **This is the same plan as last time."**_

Soy Sauce rolls his eyes. "No, Bakugou, it's _different."_

"Yeah, man!" Kaminari jumps in. "Get with the program! This time it's _icebreakers!"_

Shoji immediately uses all six of his arm-arms to clamp down on Todoroki's hands, preventing him from trying to start another fire in this dumpster of a room.

Katsuki sniffs. "Can you guys _please_ just let me—"

"No."

 **Congratulations! The** **«Collective Empathy»** **of the Party grew from Level 7 to Level 4.**

* * *

Katsuki knocks on Uraraka's door, internally questioning why he's _still_ going along with 1-A's asinine matchmaking plans here.

After all, it's not like any of them are here right now to witness him dash through the hallways and abscond into the night, never to be seen again.

Actually, that sounds like a pretty good plan, if he's being honest.

Katsuki takes one sidestep away from the door. And then another sidestep. And then a third. Hey, if he keeps this up, maybe he really _can—_

"Yes?" Uraraka cracks the door open a tad, poking her head through the opening. "Who's there?" She turns her head around, finally noticing. An unrecognizable expression briefly flitters across her face. "O-Oh."

Oh indeed. Katsuki looks like a deer in the headlights. Or at the very least, he sure _feels_ like one.

"Uh…" Katsuki's at a loss for words. What does he do now?

"Say something smooth!" the voice resonating from his earpiece instructs.

"...Something smooth."

Uraraka raises her eyebrows. "Can you please repeat what I think you just said?" she asks.

At her words, Soy Sauce exasperatedly cries into Katsuki's ears, "When I said, say something smooth, I didn't mean to be a _dumbass,_ okay! Just say...something _smooth."_

"Nicely...waxed...apples."

The sound that's coming out of Soy Sauce's mouth right now is very similar to that of a pot of water about to boil over. "Just _say_ that you wanna talk to her, man!" he shouts.

"Can I just...talk to you?" Katsuki finally asks.

"Oh." Uraraka rapidfire blinks in her shock. "Oh. Y-yeah. Sure!" As she opens the door, though, her foot snags on something and she trips. Though she catches herself just in time, something slips out of her skirt pocket.

"You dropped something," Katsuki says, reaching down to grab what seems to be a small postcard.

* * *

Ochako-chan,

I know you're not too fond of all the recommendation letters you've been receiving, so this isn't that. But I did want to let you know that, after getting to know Bakugou-chan better yesterday, I definitely think he's a much different person than he was even several months ago. And as a friend, I think a relationship between you and Bakugou-chan might be worth some consideration.

Heart,

Tsu

* * *

Uraraka snatches it out of Katsuki's frozen hands.

And Katsuki, meanwhile, is in a state of shock.

He really _was_ a fool to think he could trust Tsu. "This isn't a recommendation letter" his fucking ass; that was _definitely_ another one of those shit-tastic Iida-trend-following letters of _bullshit._ And of _course_ Tsu would do it on personalized stationary with a frog graphic too, the little twerp.

"Y-you didn't see anything, right?" Uraraka asks, squirming in embarrassment. As she holds the card close to her chest, she inadvertently shows him the back.

* * *

For Your Consideration

rare photos of Bakugou-chan smiling!

(Attached are two photos of Katsuki...uncharacteristically smiling. Where did she get these? _Also_ Iida's trash?)

* * *

Tsu really is...no better than the rest of 1-A. Katsuki was a _fool_ for ever believing otherwise.

"Anyway, c-come on in." She fully opens the door now, revealing to Katsuki the interior of her room. "Come in."

Look, Katsuki has never really believed too much in a higher power that _wasn't_ All Might, but Uraraka letting him waltz into her room? This is truly a blessing bestowed unto him by All Might's quakingly quintessential quads.

"Have a seat," she says, setting herself down onto the floor. She pats the flooring next to her.

Obedient as always to Uraraka's demands, Katuki slowly sets himself onto the floor, taking his sweet time to drink in every minute detail of her dorm. Both the mat and the bedsheets are a grass-green, and there's a small cactus perched upon her dresser. _Okay, so plant-themed is the way to go if I ever buy her a gift._ But other than those details, her room — for the most part — seems to be very tidy and minimalistic. Well, Katsuki's always known she's the type to be economical and frugal with everything, so he'll take what he can get when it comes to learning more about her through things like _this._

Speaking of _this,_ Katsuki hasn't spoken in upwards of five minutes. It's... _very_ awkward.

"So…" Uraraka's voice finally cuts through the silence like a doorstop trying to gnaw its way through a loaf of bread. "Um...what did you want to talk about?" She shyly tucks a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Start with something simple, dude!" Soy Sauce shouts into his ear. "Just say–"

"Sorry." Uraraka tilts her head a little. "Do you hear that?"

"Hear what?" Katsuki asks.

"Ask her about—"

"That." Uraraka narrows her eyes, scanning the room. "It sounds kind of like...faraway shouting.

"Just say—"

Katsuki tears the earpiece out of his ear and burns it to a crisp. "It's probably nothing," he says, dusting the ashes off a bit. "Maybe just a fight happening downstairs, or something."

And then it finally dawns on him.

That he fucked up.

Because now he doesn't know what to _say._

"Oh, okay then. Back to what you wanted to talk to me about, then?" Uraraka leans into the table, resting her head in her hands.

Come on, Katsuki, _think._ Just say something. _Anything._ It could be about... _plants._ Like _cactuses._ Or even—

Katsuki frantically glances around the room, pleading for some divine intervention.

He looks to Uraraka's right. He looks to Uraraka's left. He looks to what's behind Uraraka.

A gigantic window.

With the 1-A kids smushed up into the glass, excitedly waving at him.

How are they out there? This is the _fourth floor._

 _And the dorm doesn't have any balconies._

"Bakugou-kun?" Uraraka repeats. "Is there something wro—"

She turns her head slightly. Immediately, Katsuki lunges his arm out, begging her not to move.

"Nothing. It's nothing." Katsuki nervously laughs. "Thought I saw a mosquito."

"Oh." Uraraka looks down at Katsuki's hand on her shoulder. She visibly tenses up, and her breaths quicken a bit. "I see."

Behind her, Soy Sauce starts knocking on the window to draw in Katsuki's attention.

As if his _miraculous presence_ out there isn't _enough_ of an attention-grabber already.

Ignoring Katsuki's attempt to glare-while-not-glaring-so-hard-as-to-alert-Uraraka-to-what's-going-on, Soy Sauce points at Ashido, who's holding up a whiteboard. On it, there are several scribbles saying: "Ask her when the last time she stayed up all night was!"

"Hey Baku—"

"When was the last time you stayed up all night?" Katsuki blurts out, abruptly letting go of Uraraka's shoulder.

"The last time?" Uraraka's whole face suddenly erupts into a deep crimson, radiating a molten heat. "That was"—she rubs the back of her neck, and her gaze starts drifting to the right of Katsuki–"well, haha, that definitely _wasn't_ last night, or anything!"

"Then when was i—"

"Like, it's not like I was—ha! It's not like I was... _thinking_ of anything in particular, or anything."

"What was—"

"Or... _anyone_ in particular, for that matter! Ha! Ha! Ha…"

"So—"

"Next question!" Uraraka demands, still refusing to look him in the eyes.

"N-Next question?" Katsuki's eyes inadvertently find themselves focusing behind Uraraka again, requesting backup immediately.

"If she had to be handcuffed to someone all day, who would it be?" is now written on Ashido's whiteboard.

"If you had to be handcuffed to someone for an entire day, who would you want it to be?" Katsuki asks.

"Handcuffed?" Uraraka raises her hand to her mouth, giggling now. "Well, it definitely wouldn't be you."

"Wha—why?"

"You blew off Shoji-kun's hand last time!"

"I wouldn't blow off _your_ hand!"

"You say that, but—"

Katsuki reaches over, grabbing her hand out of spite. "See?" He tightens his grip on her fingers. "I'm not dangerous or anything." And then his voice lowers. "Also, it's not great to be reminded how much of a dick I was to him, that one time. Even though I've already apologized to him, I still feel bad about it."

Her hand quivers in his. For a brief second, she brings her hand closer to his, their palms momentarily sharing a tender kiss.

She lets go.

"Anyway, someone I'd want to be handcuffed to, huh?" She laughs, the color red dancing on her cheeks. "It'd probably be—"

Behind her, the class 1-A kids are all clapping their hands together and silently cheering. Probably not _actually_ silently though, as Katsuki and Uraraka right now are _very_ lucky that Cementoss finally soundproofed the whole dorm — including the windows.

Ashido quickly scribbles something onto her whiteboard and flips it around. "SMOOOOOOOOOTH!"

"—so yeah, out of all people, I'd probably want to be handcuffed to them," Uraraka finishes.

Katsuki turns back to her. The corners of his lips quirk up a little bit.

He _definitely_ didn't hear anything she just said.

"But is this really what you wanted to ask?" Uraraka questions. "Why'd you have to come to my room to ask this?"

"It's not—"

"Ask her what the best gift she's ever gotten was!" Ashido's whiteboard screams.

Katsuki gulps. "What's the—"

Iida wrestles the whiteboard out of Ashido's hands. Frantically scrawling his own icebreaker onto it, he holds up: "If you could plan a road trip, what destinations would be on the itinerary?"

"Give me that!" Kaminari mouths at Iida. Taking the whiteboard in his hands now, he writes, "If you were a performer at a circus, what would you do?"

Jirou wipes off his words. Taking the marker in her hand, she writes down, "Ask her what her favorite song is and why."

Frustrated now, Kirishima takes matters into his own hands. Wrangling the board from Jirou's grip, he writes on it, "If you were a type of jeans, what type would you be?" Next to those words is a doodle of Best Jeanist.

Katsuki's going to have to have a _word_ with Kirishima later over that shit-faced grin the little bitch boy is giving him over that comment.

"Where are you looking?" Uraraka places her head in front of Katsuki's line of sight, blocking his view of the window. "Is something going on outside?"

Katsuki has to force himself to glue his eyes back onto Uraraka, even though all the 1-A kids are now _clearly_ fighting over the whiteboard like it's their speaking conch.

"Ask her about—" Tokayami writes, before the whiteboard is unceremoniously wrested from his hands.

"What's the—" Yaoyorozu begins her attempt.

Meanwhile, Todoroki has already finished making a slide out of ice. He signals to Aoyama, Koda, Sato, and Shoji to follow him off of Dark Shadow's back (which has apparently been carrying the weight of all these dipshits this entire time) and away from Uraraka's window.

"Bakugou-kun, what's going on?" Though it should be phrased as a question, the sentence sounds more like a demand. A demand that it be anything _but_ what she seems to be thinking of. "You've been looking out the window for a long time."

Too bad for her, though, because it's _exactly_ what she probably thinks it is.

"Ask her—"

"Say—"

"How about—"

When the kids finally manage to agree on something, Katsuki has no choice but to blurt out the first full sentence he sees. "What's the worst pickup line you've ever heard?"

Uraraka's expression fully drops at this point. "Do you come here often," she deadpans.

And then she whips around. Far too fast for Katsuki to stop her this time.

Because her back is faced towards Katsuki, he doesn't fully know what's going on. Still, it feels like a tornado of anger has descended upon the room, hovering in the air like a furious storm. Her hair is bristling, her hands are clenching, and — judging by the pale expressions on everyone's faces — the expression on her face right now is probably nothing short of death-inducing.

Stomping up to the window, she pulls _hard_ on the curtains, drowning the room into darkness.

"Bakugou-kun," she seethes. "I thought they finished doing all _that_ yesterday." She waves her arms around, but her gaze is glued onto the floor. "So why were they here _today?"_

Katsuki instinctively raises his arms to shield his face. "I told them not to, but they wouldn't let me—"

"So you just _went along_ with them? Because you couldn't refuse them?" Uraraka finally lifts her eyes to meet his. They are savannahs burning beneath a maddened sunset. "Since when did _you_ care about what others think of you?"

Now it's Katsuki's turn to be angry.

Since when has _he_ cared about others? Since she _insulted_ him that one time. Since she basically spat in his face and made him come to the realization that he was probably the biggest fucking _jerk_ to have ever walked the planet. _She_ was the one to tell him to change his ways, and now she's _faulting_ him for actually doing so?

"I can't _believe_ I even thought for a second...I can't believe that last night I couldn't sleep over—" She glares at him.

"What?" He glowers. "What were you mulling over _so hard_ last night?"

"It's nothing. I guess it really _was_ nothing." She crosses her arms and lets out a heated huff of air. "So was yesterday also just a part of this elaborate setup? That part where you yelled at everyone for making me uncomfortable, too? Just to lead up to today—"

"That was real."

"Of _course_ it was a part of the plan all alo—wait." She pauses. "What?"

"Everything but that moment was planned by them." All the tension suddenly drops from Katsuki's shoulders. "I couldn't stand you having that look on your face. Like you've given up." He raises his eyes to meet hers, a bitter smile dancing on the edges of his lips. "Because that's not your style, is it?"

"I…" Her lips tremble, unable to form the shape of any word. "Bakugou-kun, I—"

He reaches his hand out to grab hers. "But if you still want to fight it out with me, you can." Slowly, his fingers circle around her wrist, and he leads her out the room.

* * *

"Yes!" Uraraka pumps her fist in the air. "Seventh win in a row!"

Katsuki groans, his back on the floor and eyes facing the ceiling. " _Fuck,"_ he swears.

On the tv screen before both of them are the words "K.O!" displayed in big block letters.

Katsuki lets the controller fall from his grip. "Since when were you so good at video games?" he asks.

Yes. Video games. Because the _last time_ he got caught _actually_ fighting on school grounds, Katsuki was suspended. And because Aizawa has already given him three strikes now, Katsuki's not about to risk expulsion for this shit.

Even _if_ it means lifting Uraraka's mood.

"Ha!" Uraraka puffs her chest out and raises her chin. "Who's to say I never was?"

Katsuki sits himself up. "Best 8 out of 17?"

Uraraka throws his controller back into his hands. "You're on."

As the two of them begin picking their new characters, Katsuki tries his best not to make it _too_ obvious he's still watching her every expression. Every quirk of her eyebrow. Every purse of her lip.

He's glad, really, that she seems to be feeling better after the hell 1-A's put her through the past two days.

"You know," Uraraka says, as the loading screen for the map displays on the screen, "I think I like you better this way." She turns to look at him. "Without the rest of the class feeding you everything you should say."

Katsuki smirks, leaning in to her. "So you're saying I'm fine just the way I am?"

At this, she smiles — cheeks scrunching just the slightest into her eyes. "Heh. Yeah, I guess I am."

As the screen begins the countdown, Katsuki swivels his attention back to the television, thumbs already in position for virtual destruction. "Now, get ready to get your ass beat."

"Not if I beat yours first!"

* * *

 **A/N:** You know, I realize this is the first chapter that Katsuki has gone the whole time without learning the name of the main protagonist of the chapter. Then again, idk if Sero deserved it here LOL.

Thanks so much for reading. Also, I like 100% forgot to mention this last chapter, but I want to give a special shout-out to **Tasia'sENDLESSDreams** because their comment last time "Tsuyu pleasaassseeee! A scenario with something outside and relaxing where she teaches KatSuki how to chill the freak out for two seconds" gave me like half the inspiration for the chapter LOL. So thanks so much!

Anyway, I like literally have no idea what the next chapter is going to be about lmao. It's between Hagakure and Ojiro mostly, right now. Then again, I'm still open to having Kirishima or Shinsou chapters, though I also don't know what to do with them LOL. So please, you know what to do! (Please poll and make my decision for me ;-;) And also, feel free to leave down other things you'd like to see! Who knows! Maybe it'll make it into my story! Or it'll inspire me to do something completely different! I can't guarantee anything because idk what the heck goes on in my mind lol sorry.

Also, it wouldn't be fair to not let you all know that if Hagakure wins the poll, the very next chapter after hers will be Mineta. So pick your poison! LOL.

 **ILiekFishes:** Haha, I'm so glad I made switching to ao3 for this fic worth the experience. I love making graphics tbh, so I'm always looking for any excuse to use my skills to shitpost LOL. And thanks so much for the in depth explanation on that one syntactical thing, I'll seriously mull it over and consider changing it later. Idk when that later is though. Hopefully whenever I decide to stop being lazy and pore over every chapter to nitpick every minute error. Eugh.

 **Guest:** My fanfic? Well written? Thank you so much! I can't believe this fic is considered well written considering the emotional rollercoasters I constantly put my readers through (like in this chapter), but thank you nevertheless!

 **CanadianBlitz:** My best chapter? LMAO it was probably my most rushed actually, so I'm incredibly surprised and incredibly delighted that it's one of your favorite chapters. Thank you!

Anyway, thanks so much for all your comments. Please poll who you'd like to see next!


	16. A Mysterious Disappearance (or Three)

**A/N:** Hi everyone. So sorry that it took me so long to update; I just wanted to make sure that I could get a quality chapter out. Idk if this is a quality chapter, but,,,,,it sure is long LOL. (15k I cry)

Anyway, I also wanted to throw this fic a HAPPY BIRTHDAY! It's the one year anniversary since I started this fic WOOHOO. Well, actually, the one year anniversary was July 15 and today is definitely _not_ July 15 but LOL I didn't even have half my outline for this chapter planned at this time that day /sweats

Anyway, hope you enjoy!

* * *

Today's a normal Wednesday.

As in: Katsuki wakes up in the wee hours of six-the-fuck-am, goes to the bathroom — toothbrush in hand — to slaughter all the bacteria stridently squirming and sinisterly slinking around in his teeth until they're a scintillatingly snowy white, pulls all his clothes on in a way to nonverbally say, "Yeah, my style _is_ hooligan nerd, and if you've got a problem with that: _fuck off,"_ and plods over to his desk to reach for his homework.

With his eyes still busy making sure his tie is acceptably _half-_ tied, Katsuki reaches for his homework where it would normally be. Only for his hand to meet...well, just wood.

And, not like the _paper_ type of wood.

No, this is...solid, thick wood. _Desk_ wood.

Katsuki's hand paws around on the desk, eyes still refusing to properly look down at where he's searching.

His refusal to look down, though, isn't out of pride or anything.

...

Okay, fine. _Fine._ Yeah. Actually, he's lying — it totally _is_ out of an unnecessary sense of pride.

 **[Skill proficiency of «Honesty» has been reached. Hidden Stat — «Tsundere Bitch» has been lowered to Level 68….oh. What a shame.]**

Still refusing to have the desk even within distance of his peripheral vision, Katsuki reaches to the left. Nothing. He reaches to the right. _Something._

It feels like wood.

 _Paper_ wood.

Ah, nice, he's found it. And he didn't even have to _look._

Swiping it off the desk, he raises the paper up to eye-level just to make sure it's the correct sheet of homework for the day.

And that's exactly the moment when he realizes.

Today is _not_ a normal Wednesday.

* * *

When Katsuki finally storms into class a few minutes before its start, he somehow manages to find someone even _more_ agitated than he is.

"Have you seen this bear?" a disembodied voice cries out, frantically waving a sheet of paper in the air.

Katsuki squints his eyes, trying to catch a good look at the paper even as it unforgivably flaps around in midair. And then he immediately looks away.

That "Missing" poster for a stuffed bear is really shittily drawn.

And, more than that, Katsuki has more _important_ matters to address.

Angrily plucking his set of homework from his bag, Katsuki whips around to face Kirishima, the little _brat._ "What the _fuck,_ Kirishima," Katsuki abruptly shouts, shaking his sheet of homework in the guy's face. "Why would you do this to my homework, man?"

Pieces of the paper that had been barely hanging by a thread up until now fall from his homework sheet like winter dandruff.

Not that there was much of the paper left to _begin_ with. No, when Katsuki finally found his homework earlier that morning, he found it chewed up and spat out like an imitation of a cow about to regurgitate its simultaneous first and fifth meal of the day.

Upon receiving this surprise allegation, Kirishima swats the paper out of his accused face. "What the heck, man?" Kirishima cries. Like, he's _actually_ about to cry — because no one _really_ deserves to walk into class on a Wednesday morning and instead find themselves in an impromptu courtroom being accused of homework vandalism by their self-dubbed 'best friend.' "What makes you even think it was _me?"_

Katsuki glares at Kirishima, shoving the paper back into the other boy's face. "Look at these bite marks! Who else would do this but _you?"_ He points at the guy's stupid shark teeth. "Who else could _make_ these marks but you?"

" _Bakugou!"_ Kirishima throws his hands up in the air in exasperation. "We _all_ have teeth. The perp could have been _literally_ anyone!"

"..."

Oh.

Well then.

The court rules in Kirishima's favor, he _supposes._

"Then who could have done this?" Katsuki asks, sniffling as he looks back at his ruined paper.

Not that he's sniffling because he's a sad, whiny _baby_ or anything.

No.

 _No._

He's just...sick.

Sick of the fact that someone _deigned_ to destroy all his hard work he put into school. That shit took _fifteen whole minutes_ out of his life. That's fifteen whole minutes he could have spent training, or playing video games, or...crying in bed about how Uraraka will probably never love him...

Anyway, as he was saying, he could have spent those fifteen whole minutes doing literally anything _but homework._ And yet, now it's all unlawfully eaten to shreds.

You know what, fuck this. Katsuki _does_ want to cry. Because he knows for _sure_ that explaining to Aizawa that "Coco ate my homework" won't be flying _today._ (It certainly didn't work the _first_ time anyway, when it _was_ true.)

"Has _anyone_ seen this bear?" Floaty Hands continues screeching in the back of the room, running around from person to person in the hopes that maybe _someone_ had seen her stuffed animal around.

Wait.

Now that Katsuki thinks of it, shouldn't he know her name?

He closes his eyes, rubbing his temples a bit. Ah yeah, during that whole _Death Note_ debacle a while back, she wrote her name down in his notebook somewhere.

What was it again?

Ha...ha...uh…

For a fleeting moment, Katsuki contemplates opening up his notebook and just looking up her name.

But then he realizes he's not a fucking quitter, and he's going to _remember_ her name if it's the last thing he very well does.

(And it very well might be.)

Ha...Half a Curry.

No wait, that's not a name.

Curry does sound good right now, though. You know, assuming it's not _laxative_ curry. Anyway, back onto track:

Ha...ha...Have a Cool Ray.

No, that's like a weird...villain kind of name.

Ha...ha...Ha! Gah! Cute! Rake!

At this point, Katsuki furiously yanks out his notebook and flips to the page she wrote on. _Fuck._ The names he's been coming up with don't even make any _sense_ anymore.

Not that they ever did, actually.

He traces his finger along the lined paper of his notebook until he finally lands upon handwriting that's not his.

And, he's gotta say: after all this effort put into remembering her name, this undeserved epiphany is rather...anticlimactic.

Oh.

It's Hagakure.

Well, he was...sorta close.

(Not really.)

"Bakugou!" Hagakure exclaims, finally making her way over to him. "Have _you_ seen my teddy bear?!" She shoves her "Missing" flyer into his face as well.

Katsuki scowls at the paper flung into his face — at a distance so close that he can practically taste its grainy texture. "No. And also I have more pressing matters at hand." He shoves his chewed-up homework into _her_ face.

At this point, neither of them can see each other. Both on account of the two of them simultaneously and unrelentingly holding up their sheets of paper in front of each other's line of sight, and also on account of Hagakure not _having_ a face.

At least, not a visible one.

"Hmm, that's weird," Sato's voice suddenly resounds as the boy saunters his way into the classroom. "Your problems kind of remind me of something…Yeah, you know, yesterday, someone stole a cake I left on the countertops. I had only kept my eyes off of it for a few minutes, too."

Though Katsuki can't see Hagakure's face, he feels like something's happened there. At the very least, the room seems 72% brighter than it was before.

"Aha!" Hagakure squeals, pounding her fist down on Sato's desk. Well, Katsuki _assumes_ that's what she did. After all, he heard a _thud,_ but didn't see anything make contact with anything. "It's a _mystery!"_ she excitedly exclaims.

...This is _not_ a normal Wednesday indeed.

* * *

 **Eyewitness Testimony #1: Sato Rikido**

"So, Sato!" Hagakure's shoes pace around the guy's room. A tiny notebook floats in the air. "Tell me everything you remember!"

Katsuki doesn't know how this happened.

Or why he's _here,_ for that matter.

 _Why are 1-A kids always dragging him into the weirdest fucking shit?_

One moment, he was sitting in class. The _next,_ Aizawa declared class over and something grabbed Katsuki's hand and rushed him and Sato into Sato's room.

And now he's here.

Playing...detective? Police? _Lawyer?_ He doesn't fucking know what the shit is going on, but regardless, he's _here._

"E-everything I know?" Sato asks, eyes narrowing in confusion. "Like, about...life? Sorry to disappoint, but I don't know a whole lot on that front..." He awkwardly begins to rub at the nape of his neck, looking away from wherever he seems to assume Hagakure is.

In response, Hagakure clicks her invisible tongue. "No, _silly!_ Everything you know about your missing cake!"

"Ohhhh." At this, something in Sato's brain finally lights up. "Well, to begin with, I was shooting for something a bit healthier this time, so I made carrot cake! Then again, putting on as much cream cheese frosting as I was _planning to_ kinda negates the healthiness factor a bit. But in fairness, what with my quirk and all, it was probably a good idea for there to be sugar in it, you know. Although, does this reasoning indicate an alarming character trend on falling back to my quirk to justify poor dietary decisions—"

"No! Just about the part when it went _missing!"_

"O-Oh! Well, uh, it was about 7 pm last night when the cake finally finished baking in the oven. So after I took it out, I set it on the counter to let it cool down. Then I went to go get my frosting — I had only turned my back around for maybe, like, two minutes at this point, mind you — and when I came back to the counter with my frosting, the cake was...it was gone." Sato suddenly chokes up. A single tear runs down his face, clinging briefly to his chin before plunging down into the abyss.

Clearly ignoring the poor boy's distraught demeanor, Hagakure's noggin begins ticking away. "So the kitchen was the scene of the crime...Do you think they left any evidence?"

"Oh...well…" Sato forcibly shuts his eyes in deep thought. "They might have left a trail of crumbs, maybe."

Something immediately tugs on Katsuki's hand.

And then the next thing he knows, he's being rushed out of Sato's room, leaving poor Sato in their dust.

* * *

 **Scene of the Crime: Kitchen**

"Wait." Katsuki stuffs his hands in his pockets, halfheartedly examining the countertop. "How does Sato's cake relate to your missing bear?" He frowns. "More importantly, how does it relate to my chewed up homework?"

Hagakure's uniform bends in a way to make it look like she's putting her hands on her hips. Maybe. "Don't you _see,_ Bakugou?"

Katsuki stares at her. No, he really _can't_ see.

"All these incidents can't _just_ be a coincidence!"

Well, yes, yes they actually can.

"Aha!" Hagakure suddenly exclaims in glee. "Look at this!"

Katsuki looks at the countertops. He looks back at Hagakure's floating uniform. He looks back at the countertops.

He has no idea what he's supposed to be looking at.

"Look at where I'm _pointing!"_ she insists.

For a brief and fleeting moment, Katsuki feels like his brain has stopped ingesting any and all amount of oxygen.

Does he...does he really need to tell her that looking at where she's pointing...is _physically_ impossible?

"Argh! The _trail of crumbs_ over there!" she finally shouts out.

And then she grabs a _knife_ out of the _knife holder_ and uses _that_ to point at the trail of crumbs.

Now, Katsuki can't quite put his finger on it, but something tells him that maybe she's not the most _sensible_ of people to be playing detective. That maybe she's not the most principled. Or the most stable. But Katsuki can't quite put his finger on _why_ he might feel that way...

Oh wait.

Maybe it's because she's currently _wielding a knife._

"Okay, okay." Katsuki holds his hands up. "I see the evidence." _Now please put the fucking knife down._

"And look!" With the knife still at an _uncomfortably_ short distance away from piercing through Katsuki's skin, Hagakure suddenly swishes it around to point out a path of crumbs. "If we follow these, it leads us to...the couch!" She begins wagging the knife around in the air in excitement, and because Katsuki can never _100%-chance-without-fail_ know where her hands are at all times, he's too afraid to make a lunge for it and wrestle the weapon out of her grip.

What a stinky little bastard he's become.

Ultimately relenting to Invi-sickle, Katsuki stares at the couch and forces out a scoff as if to play at any position of power here. "Like you're going to find out everyone who was sitting on the couch at about 7 pm last night. Ha!"

* * *

 **Suspect Interrogation #1: Todoroki Shoto, Tokoyami Fumikage, and Shoji Mezo**

Well...Hagakure did it. She managed to find out all the people who had been sitting on the couch at about 7 pm last night.

Maybe she _is_ cut out to be a detective _after_ all.

You know, if this whole professional hero thing goes to shit for her, he's sure she'll always be able to find something in the private investigator business.

In front of them, Todoroki, Tokoyami, and Shoji all have their asses parked directly onto the couch, their gazes all askance as they attempt to look anywhere _but_ at the duo of Hagakure and Katsuki.

Truly an unlikely combination, the two of them.

"So." At this very word, Hagakure slams _some_ part of her body onto the coffee table before them — the thudding impact of it silencing the room.

Well, the room was actually silent before, but his point still stands.

Mostly because it startled him. Just a little bit. Only a _tad._

"So. A little _birdy_ told me that you three might know about the whereabouts of something very _important_ to Sato." Very suddenly, the lights all dim until only the faces of each person in the room are ominously lit.

But hearing her words, Katsuki wants to roll his eyes. A little "birdy" didn't tell her _shit._ If _anything,_ it was her own intuition and a handful of crumbs that led them here.

(And once again, he must ask himself, why _is_ he here?)

"Something important?" Todoroki asks.

"What do you mean by that?" Shoji piles onto the questioning.

" _SHUT IT!"_ Hagakure _slams_ a miscellaneous body part onto the desk once more. " _I'm_ asking the questions here."

"Oh."

"Oh."

 _Oh._

Katsuki licks his lips, rubbing his hands together in glee. _Now_ he knows why he's here.

It was one of his favorite games to play as a child, and he's sure it's going to be one of his favorite jobs to do once he's an adult. Other than the sheer satisfaction of _catching_ some big baddies, it's probably one of the most fun side-gigs that comes with being a pro hero: _bad_ cop time.

Let the games begin.

"One of you little fuckers knows what you did." Katsuki sneers, pointing at Tokoyami. "Now 'fess up."

"Uh, I—"

"Shut it, Tokoyami," Dark Shadow hisses. "You have the right to remain silent, you know."

Katsuki scowls. "No he doesn't." Folding his arms together, he glares at the bird demon.

"Bakugou, in a court of law—"

"Does this look like a court of _law_ to you?"

At Katsuki's comment, Dark Shadow's gaze floats from Tokoyami, to Todoroki, glosses entirely over Shoji, lands on Katsuki, and ever so slowly drifts towards Hagakure's floating uniform.

The chaotic energy deliriously galloping amok in this room is just _all_ too palpable.

"Now 'fess up," Katsuki repeats, teeth bared.

"Well, I…" Tokoyami raises his hands up in surrender. "I really have no idea what's going on."

Katsuki shakes his head in disgust. "Shoji, you _must_ have a clue what we're talking about, right?"

Shoji shakes his head right back at Katsuki.

" _Todoroki."_

"Huh? What?"

"AGH!" Hagakure screeches in exasperation, "What do you know about the _cake?"_

"About...cake?" Shoji asks.

"What do I know about cake, you ask?" Tokoyami rubs his beak. "Well, I certainly know that my favorite is Black Forest. After all, I like my cakes the way I like the occult — dark, and pitch black."

"Please grow up, Tokoyami." Dark Shadow groans.

"I prefer traditional Japanese sweets," Todoroki says.

At all this, Katsuki draws a deep, heavy sigh.

How could...how could Katsuki forget the one _singular_ thing that unites all of 1-A? How could he possibly forget the _only thing_ worth remembering about all his peers?

The fact that they have _no attention span whatsoever?_

"About _Sato's_ cake, you shit-eating chucklefu—"

"Tokoyami, you say you like Black Forest, right?" Hagakure interrupts, holding her uniformed arm up to silence Katsuki. "And Todoroki, you don't seem to like cakes at all."

"Not really, no."

"Then what about you, Shoji?"

"I like anything matcha flavored."

"And Dark Shadow?"

"I don't eat. Tokoyami doesn't feed me."

"So if they weren't a Black Forest, a Japanese sweet, or matcha flavored, then would any of you still take a bite out of any old cake?"

"No."

"No, not really."

"Don't think so."

"I'm malnourished."

Hagakure hums a little to herself. Pulling a small notebook out, she begins to jot her thoughts down. "So definitely not a carrot cake, then?"

"No."

"Even though I don't eat, I know for a scientific, empirical _fact_ that vegetables are gross."

"Vegetables _are_ gross. They're too green and bright."

"Carrots are orange, and also, no I wouldn't eat a carrot cake. A carrot _mochi,_ though, _maybe."_

"Todoroki, do you have _any_ idea how disgusting that sounds?"

"It's good to try new things."

"Even carrot _mochi?"_

"Yeah."

"I really wish this _were_ a court a law so you'd remain silent."

"Having the _right_ to remain silent and you forcing me to do it aren't the same thing."

"I _wish_ you would remain silent."

" _Objection."_

Hagakure's pen finally stops moving. She sighs. "Then do you guys know _anything_ about Sato's missing cake?"

"Nope."

"Not a clue."

"How'd he lose a cake?"

She sighs again, shutting her notebook with a snap. "Then do you guys have any clue who _might_ have done it?"

The three of the guys look at each other, look away, then look back at the two of them.

Tokoyami rubs his beak once again. "Who might have done it? Someone with the guts to steal an entire cake…"

At this, Todoroki lightly snaps his fingers. "What about Kirishima?"

"Kirishima?" Shoji asks.

"Yeah. After all, he has teeth."

"Ah, yeah."

" _Teeth._ Yeah, he _does_ have that."

"Yeah, teeth, _yeah."_

Katsuki clenches his fists, resisting the urge to smack them all upside the head. At the very least, he knows that Todoroki wouldn't appreciate that. "I already asked him this morning if he chewed up my homework, and he said he didn't do it."

"Yes, but look at these crumbs." Todoroki picks up one piece of Hagakure's _incredibly substantive_ evidence. "Who else could make these but someone with _teeth?"_

* * *

 **Suspect Interrogation #2: Kirishima Eijirou**

"Why are you doing this to me?" Kirishima cries.

At this moment of 6:21 in the pm, Kirishima's hand is currently handcuffed to the leg of his table. Seated comfortably across from him is Hagakure, and seated to her right is Katsuki.

"What's going on?" Kirishima wails again.

However, the only thing Kirishima's met with is Katsuki pulling out a clear ziploc baggy full of crumbs. "Look, _bucko._ We're gonna need you to explain—"

"Explain _what?"_

"Well, if you'd just look at what I'm _showing_ you—"

"C'mon, dude, just tell me what's going _on."_

"Why don't you just take a _look_ at—"

"Not until you tell me what's happening!"

"Order! Order in the court!" Hagakure shouts out, pounding her gavel down onto the desk. Pointing at Kirishima with it, she declares, "Kirishima! We're currently trying you for alleged grand theft of Sato's cake!"

"Huh?" Kirishima's face goes entirely slack. "What?"

"You heard the judge!"

"The _judge?"_ Kirishima turns to point at Katsuki. "And what are _you?"_

"Prosecutor."

"I—Do I at least get a lawyer?!"

Hagakure thumps at the desk with her gavel. "No!"

"And where did you even get that _gavel_ from?" Kirishima asks.

"Stole it from Iida!"

"Wha—! And you're questioning the legality of whatever you're accusing _me_ of?"

"The judge does what the judge wants!" Hagakure's gavel thumps the desk once more. "Your question is overruled!"

"Objec—"

" **Overruled."**

Kirishima slumps down into his seat, a wave of dejection rolling over his features. "Seriously, what did I even do to deserve this?" he mutters under his breath.

"Judge," Katsuki says, "the prosecution presents these crumbs as evidence suggesting that Kirishima entered the kitchen at approximately 7 pm last night and stole Sato's cake." He slides the bag of crumbs across the desk towards Hagakure.

"Wha...wha…" Kirishima's "wha's" sound somewhere in between a scoff and an exclamation of disbelief. "Do you even have a motive?"

"Do you even have an _alibi?"_ Katsuki bites back.

"Hey—!"

"And of _course_ the prosecution has a proposed motive," Katsuki says, turning back around to face the judge's floating uniform. "Clearly, the defendant stole the cake because cakes are delicious."

"...I...Well...I can't argue you there."

"See!"

"B-But, you don't even have _proof."_

"Yes I do." Katsuki points at Kirishima. More specifically, at the boy's obscenely and offensively sharpened canines. "Your teeth."

"...Bakugou, first of all, what the _fu—"_

"Who else could do _this"—_ Katsuki yanks the ziploc baggy full of crumbs off the desk and begins to relentlessly shake it in Kirishima's face—"but someone with _teeth?"_

For a moment, there is pure, unadulterated silence. And then, Kirishima's face boils over to the same shade of crimson as his hair.

"We already went over it this _morning,_ dude! I didn't do it!'

"No. We went over my chewed up _homework_ this morning. _This_ is an entirely different case!"

"Objection!"

"Overruled!" Hagakure pounds her stolen gavel into the desk once more. There's a little dent in it now, Katsuki notices.

"While interrogating Todoroki, Tokoyami, and Shoji earlier today, they were all in agreement that the perpetrator was most likely _you_ on account of your _teeth!"_

"So I'm guilty," Kirishima incredulously screeches, "because I have _teeth?"_

"Yes, that's what the prosecution—"

"Dude, _fuck you,"_ Kirishima cries. "This is the _second time_ I've had to deal with this shit today, and you know what?" Kirishima sniffs. "I can't believe I ever called you my best friend! We're through!"

 **Congratulations! Title** **«Best» has been removed from your friend status with NPC «Kirishima».**

Katsuki pauses for a moment, letting those words digest in his head for a bit. He nods. "Yeah, I'm okay with that."

Kirishima's lips flutter open and shut in shock. Eyes wide and brimming with anguish, a crestfallen "bro" escapes from his lips.

"Order in the court!" Hagakure demands. "May the prosecution please continue presenting the case?"

"Of course, your honor." Katsuki turns back to Kirishima and uses one of his hands to point at the ziploc baggy in his other hand. "As I was saying, Todoroki, Tokoyami, and Shoji all postulated—"

"Todoroki?"

"Yes."

"Tokoyami?"

"That's what I said, yes."

" _Shoji?"_

"I'm going to say this for the last time — yes."

"...Dude, they _all_ have teeth!"

"Objection!" Katsuki s _lams_ his hands onto the table. "Tokoyami has a beak, and doesn't have teeth."

"Okay, all but _one—"_

"Dark Shadow _also_ doesn't have teeth!"

"O-okay, but Shoji has _multiple_ sets of teeth!"

"And if we take into account that both Hagakure and I were in that room at the time of their questioning, then—"

"Hey! Did you just ignore my—"

"—the prosecution would also like to state that Hagakure, also, cannot definitively be proven to have teeth at the time of their questioning."

"Hmm," Hagakure muses. "You're right, Bakugou."

"And thus, the prosecution rests its case—"

"No. No. _Wait._ What does this have to do with _anything—"_

"Well, _your_ defense rests on the fact that 'most' people have teeth."

"Yeah. Because it _is_ a fact."

"Well, if you take into account that Todoroki, Tokoyami, Dark Shadow, Shoji, Hagakure, and I were all in a room, but only Todoroki, Shoji, and I could definitively be proven to have teeth at that time, then that leaves only three out of six people in that room to support your case that 'most' people have teeth."

"So what—"

" _So what_ is that three out of six comes out at only fifty percent." Once again, Katsuki slams his hands onto the table and leans in until Kirishima can just about _feel_ Katsuki's every breath. "And since _fifty percent_ is not a statistically significant number, your argument that 'most people in that room had teeth and therefore could not put you, specifically, on blast' is null and void."

A blank gaze dawns on Kirishima's face. And then: frustration. "Aw, come _on_ man — that's not _fair._ You know for a _fact_ that I didn't understand _anything_ that just came out of your mouth." He tugs on his handcuffs, jostling the table over a bit closer to him. Turning towards Hagakure, he yells out, "Objection, your honor!"

"Overruled!"

Katsuki glowers at the accused boy. "Now with all that outta the way, you're gonna tell me where _exactly_ you were during the time of the crime."

"I didn't even do it!" Kirishima wails. He tugs again on his handcuffs, harder this time. "Seriously, what kind of friends _are_ you?"

"You know nothing about these crumbs?" Katsuki questions once more.

"No!"

"And you're definitely sure you didn't do anything to my homework?"

"Dude, I already told you this _morning_ that I had nothing to do with that." Kirishima jostles his handcuffs again. Except _this_ time, all his emotional shackles have finally grown weary from him being _physically_ shackled, and all his inhibitions are finally let go. In one swift motion, his arm hardens and he slices his wrist _through_ the handcuffs. Without even so much as an exclamation of: "I'm free!" Kirishima immediately dashes out of his room, leaving a trail of tears in his wake.

"So...is this an admission of guilt, or—?"

"Uh...the court has no clue."

* * *

 **Scene of the Crime: Kitchen Pt. II**

"Is it possible the trail of crumbs was a red herring, then?" A lone magnifying glass hovers in the air, glossing over the countertops.

Once again, our two detectives find themselves in the kitchen, perusing over the scene of the crime.

Katsuki watches the magnifying glass gloss over the counter again and again, as if hypnotized by its repetitive motion. And then, all of a sudden, it _slams_ itself into the marble.

"I can't find _any_ new clues," Hagakure cries. Picking up the magnifying glass once more, she points at the counter. "We've already traced all the crumbs _last time,_ and there wasn't a trail that extended past the couch." She then turns to point at the fridge. "And everything in the fridge is cordoned off and hasn't been touched since the last time we were here."

Katsuki scoffs. "That's a pretty big miracle, knowing 1-A."

"The pattern of burnt ashes in the oven suggests that it hasn't been used since 7 pm last night—"

"...Look, I don't understand: one, how that's relevant and two, how you could even _deduce_ that–"

"And when we asked Sato about it, he couldn't think of anything suspicious either."

"...So what are you trying to say, Hagakure?"

"That I don't _know!"_ Hagakure finally wails. She flings her magnifying glass across the common room with distraught abandon. Katsuki watches it ricochet off the floor like a rubber ball. Wait a second...that doesn't sound...like good physics…

Katsuki walks over to pick up the magnifying glass, placing it kindly on the countertops. "So what are we gonna do about it then?"

"Ugh! Aren't you my detective apprentice? Figure something _out!"_

"Hey, why am _I_ an apprentice?"

"Because _I'm_ the senior detective!"

"I'm _older_ than you!"

"Nuh-uh! You can't _prove_ when I was _born._ None of the nurses could even _see_ me come out of the womb!"

"...Oh. Well, shit."

"So come up with something, _apprentice!"_

Katsuki stares at the magnifying glass. His gaze flutters to the surrounding countertops. It swerves to the refrigerator barricaded up with yellow police tape. He rubs his chin.

"Well, you know how they say criminals always come back to the scene of the crime?" Katsuki asks.

"Oh! Yes!" The sound of fingers snapping brings Katsuki to attention. "Cakes are delicious, so anyone who stole it would _definitely_ come back to eat some more!"

Without any need for further notice — and smiling conspiratorially at Hagakure — he turns off all the lights in the room and cracks the door of the fridge open just a smidge. The harsh flourescence of the ominous fridge lighting is only compounded by the smell of all the foods his irresponsible peers have left to rot there.

"Yes! A stakeout!" Hagakure cheers.

 **Two hours later…**

"Bakugou...I'm _bored,"_ Hagakure whines. She flicks the head of the magnifying glass up against the wall once more.

At this point, there's no glass left in that thing, and Katsuki can't exactly claim it's been a very _legit-totally-forreal_ stakeout when he's had to get up and vacuum glass off the floor and walls five or six times already.

Katsuki sighs. "Didn't you already leave, like, six times during the stakeout?"

"Wha...haha, no, _what?"_ Hagakure nervously forces out a laugh or two. And then, in a hushed voice, she harshly whispers out, "How could you tell?"

"I can't see your body, but I sure as hell can see when your uniform's gone."

" _Gasp,_ Bakugou! Are you implying I'm supposed to walk around _totally naked?"_

"NO ONE'S IMPLYING THAT."

"Booooo, you're no fun. But you know, now that I think of it, don't criminals tend to come back to the scene of the crime only because they have unfinished business left?"

"Uh...maybe?"

"And the perp who stole Sato's cake took the whole thing, didn't they?"

"..."

"..."

"...Fucking damn it."

"So...like, I guess they wouldn't have a reason to come back here to begin with, right?"

"...Hagakure...quit rubbing it in my face that I'm an apprentice _fool."_

As the two of them get out of their two-hour-long squatting positions (or, in Hagakure's case, approximately twenty minutes max) and begin grumbling their way back to their respective rooms, a sinisterly perverse pair of eyes beams itself into existence.

"Heh heh heh…"

* * *

 **Scene of the Crime: Bakugou Katsuki's Room**

"Hagakure, it's 5 am."

"Yeah? So?"

"It's _five._ In the _morning."_

"I know. I heard you the first time. _Geez,_ just because you can't _see_ my ears doesn't mean I don't _have_ them, ya know?"

Katsuki groans, sliding the palm of his hand down his face. "Why are you here?"

Hagakure waggles her magnifying glass in the air. It's a brand new, totally not-yet-broken one. "Well, since the stakeout last night was a total bust, I decided to do you a favor and help you figure out who did your homework dirty yesterday!"

Katsuki wishes he could see her so he could usher her out the door. "Can't you do me this _favor_ later then?"

"Gasp, Bakugou! It's _Thursday._ We have _school_ later!"

"Then do me this favor _never!"_

" _Objection!"_

All of a sudden, the world begins spinning beneath Katsuki's feet. All the lights dancing around in his room suddenly take on the ferocity of a thousand vindictive suns. Dizzy, he sets himself back onto his bed, groaning all the way.

And of course, Hagakure takes this opportunity of him in a rare weakened state to weasel her way towards Katsuki's desk.

Magnifying glass still floating in the air, she hums and haws all whilst perusing the contents of his desk for any traces of evidence as to who could've possibly torn his homework to shreds the other day.

"Hmm," Hagakure hums while piecing what's left of his homework back together again. "Oh! What's this?" She turns to Bakugou, holding up a scrap of paper like it were Japan's foremost national treasure. "A game of tic-tac-toe, I presume?"

Katsuki squints at the paper. Except, the thing is, he can't see anything on account of not having the most _perfect_ vision in the world, and also because it's _dark._ Because it's still _five._ In the _morning._ When it's _dark._

So of course, he does the only _logical_ thing and just agrees with whatever the fuck Hagakure is saying. "Yeah. What of it?"

"Well, there are _both_ circles and x's on this scrap of paper. And while it'd be really _funny_ to think you're enough of a loner to play tic-tac-toe by yourself, the most logical deduction here is that you were playing with someone else. So who was it?"

"Huh? Uh...probably Uraraka. I think."

"Ooooooh, Uraraka?" If Hagakure had eyebrows, Katsuki's sure she'd be wildly waggling them around right about now. "And when was this?"

"Sometime...in the afternoon on Tuesday. After we got finished with student council activities."

"Aha! _Now_ we're getting somewhere!"

* * *

 **Suspect Interrogation #3: Uraraka Ochako, Iida Tenya, and Yaoyorozu Momo**

The second class ends today, Hagakure grabs Katsuki's hand and immediately hurtles the two of them off to student council.

What a completely unappreciated turn of events this is.

Busting her way through the door, Hagakure immediately shouts out to the full cast of student council (that's already inexplicably there merely _one minute_ after the end of class, _somehow),_ "I know what you did!"

Upon hearing this declaration, Iida immediately drops all the papers in his hands and raises said hands in the air. "It wasn't me, officer! Those past Yuuei exams circulating around the internet for exactly 5679 yen _each_ belong to an _Enya Tida_ , and therefore _not_ me!"

"Uhhh…" Hagakure draws out a long breath, voice deflating a bit. "W-Well, that's not what I _came_ here for, but that also sounds _super_ illegal, so we're gonna have to circle back to that one later."

"Oh." Iida coughs, brushing off his pants and collecting all his stray thoughts. "What are you here for, Hagakure-san?"

"Well"—from her pocket, Hagakure pulls out a taped-together set of homework and hands it to Iida—"does this look familiar to you?"

"This? Hmm, well the writing here is rather messy, so it might take me a while to decipher—"

"Oh!" Uraraka very literally butts her head into the conversation. "This is Bakugou-kun's homework from the other day, isn't it?" She turns her adorably large eyes over to him. "Did you ever find out who did it?"

"No, but—"

"But we're going to find out _now!"_ Hagakure finishes the sentence for him. Pulling three chairs out for Yaoyorozu, Uraraka, and Iida, she demands, "Now, take a seat."

All three unquestioningly sit down.

"So, since Bakugou was with the three of you when he was doing his homework — as evidenced by _this_ tic-tac-toe board on page three — we've called up the three of you as potential suspects into this destruction of property," Hagakure announces, her uniform floating around the room in circles. "Wait." She halts in her tracks. "Uraraka, you're not in student council. Why were you here?"

"Oh...uhm…"

"Actually, as of Monday, Uraraka-san was officially inducted into student council as our new Treasurer!" Iida proudly states, starting off a round of applause for Uraraka. Yaoyorozu enthusiastically joins in, and before Katsuki can even think to catch himself, he finds his two palms blindly smacking against each other as well.

"Hmm...this is a pretty sudden turn of events, don't ya think, Uraraka?" Hagakure insinuates.

Katsuki scoffs silently to himself. Yeah. Tell him about it. All of a sudden on Monday, Uraraka had waltzed her way into student council and sat down as if it were the most natural thing in the world to do. In fact, when he had divulged this information over to Ashido and Kirishima later that day, they had only pointed and laughed at him, and claimed that she was only there to "see a certain someone." But even after three minutes of pestering, prodding, and probing for answers, Bakugou was unable to ascertain who this "certain someone" was and ended up feeling certainly stupid.

"What are you implying, Hagakure-chan?" Uraraka asks, squinting her eyes a little in Hagakure's vague direction.

"What I'm _implying_ is that _you_ could have been planning this heinous act since _at least_ Monday, and you would have had plenty of time to do it, too!"

"Huh?" Uraraka blinks. "Hagakure-chan, with all due respect, there were at least two other people here during the proposed time of the crime. How would I have been able to tear up Bakugou's paper without them noticing?"

"Simple! You could have sneakily torn off one piece of paper at a time and then stored them all in"—all of a sudden, Hagakure busts out her magnifying glass and uses it to point at Uraraka—"your cheeks!"

"What?"

"Hagakure-san, your deduction here is rather wanting—"

"I—what?"

What, indeed. Look, Katsuki knows how often he dreams of squishing Uraraka's cheeks like mochi, but to use those weapons of cute destruction _against_ her like that? That's pretty _unwarranted._

"See, your cheeks are very round, _right?_ So, if you were to stuff bits of paper into there one by one, they wouldn't puff out any more, because your cheeks are already at a perfect 163% roundness at all times! Making them the _perfect_ storage spot to hide all evidence of your crime!"

"Are you...calling me a hamster?" Uraraka asks, utterly floored with incredulousness.

And Katsuki, being the whipped lovesick little bitchass that he is, immediately walks over to her side to both literally and figuratively take it. "First of all," he says, "you have no proof, Hagakure. And _second_ of all, name _one_ bad hamster in history. Oh wait...you can't." He crosses his arms, raises his nose in the air, and lets out a condescending laugh. "Because there's never _been_ a bad hamster in history."

"I can _too_ name a bad hamster! For example... _Napoleon."_

...Damn. What a low blow. And such a shortsighted answer as well.

"No. Wait." Iida tosses his hat into the ring now. "Uraraka-san could not have done such a deed. After all, I was observing the two of them all day."

"Yes." At his words, Yaoyorozu whips out a laptop. "Would you like to take a look at his notes? It includes everything from a transcript of their conversation to a running tally of every time Bakugou-san has ever looked at Uraraka-san's lips while speaking to her."

Katsuki swipes the offending laptop out of Yaoyorozu's hands. While at it, he almost hurls it out the window as well. "I'll be confiscating this as evidence."

"Oh. But our student council notes are on that document as well!" Yaoyorozu dissents.

"Don't worry, Yaoyorozu-san," Iida reassures her. "We have the document saved on the cloud."

Damn. Even the internet _itself_ just had to conspire against him and join in on the bullying train, didn't it?

"Fine," Hagakure relents, turning her magnifying glass over to point at the student council president. "Iida: you're so sure that Uraraka didn't do it, but how can I be sure that _you_ didn't do it?"

"I most assuredly did not, Hagakure-san!"

"So you most _assuredly_ didn't take advantage of your quirk to repeatedly run over to Bakugou's desk and rip off pieces of his homework at a speed the human eye can't catch?"

"I most assuredly did not!"

"Hmmm." From the sound of her voice, it feels as if Hagakure is squinting, and scrutinizing Iida's body language. A few seconds later, she draws a deep sigh. "Yeah. I guess that wouldn't check out." Dejectedly waving her magnifying glass in the air, she signals over to Katsuki. "Alright then, come on Bakugou. Let's go question some other kids."

Katsuki stares quizzically into the empty air. "Huh?" He points at Yaoyorozu. "Wait aren't you forgetting about someone?"

"What? _Yaomomo?_ Oh come on, _look at her!_ Do you think she would ever commit a single crime?"

"Well, n-no, but isn't it still worth questioning—"

"Come on, dude! She studied to become a _lawyer_ before coming here!"

"Huh?" Katsuki turns over to look at Yaoyorozu. "What?"

"Ah, yes." Yaoyorozu hesitantly nods at him. "Being a lawyer was my backup plan if I couldn't become a pro hero, actually. In fact"—she flashes a bright smile at him—"I still read law books for fun in my spare time. And if you're interested, I've taken a few notes on both of your interrogation performances today. So if the two of you would be willing to sit down some other time to go over my feedback—"

"N- _No!_ That's not the _point._ Why are you here then? And also... _backup plan?_ Don't lawyers make a shitton more money than pro heroes do?"

"Well, yes, but money isn't much of an issue for me."

"Yeah! Yaomomo could just farm money out of her belly button if she wanted to!" Uraraka jumps in.

From the direction of the closed door to the right, an eerie "Yaomomo's _belly button?"_ can suddenly be heard.

"So I guess Yaoyorozu is innocent then?" Katsuki asks, throwing his hands up into the air. "So once again, we have _no leads_."

"Aww, don't worry about it, Bakugou-kun!" Uraraka says, lightly patting him on the back. "Do you want me to join the interrogation with the two of you? Lighten the load, a little?"

"Yeah." Bakugou sighs, stuffing his hands into his pockets. "That'd be pretty nice, actually."

"Hmm," Iida drones to their left, folding his arms over his chest and shutting his eyes in deep concentration, "though the crime was most assuredly _not_ committed by any of us from student council, perhaps it was another student who came into contact with your paper on Tuesday?" He opens his eyes to peer deep into Katsuki's puny, mortal soul. "Can you name anyone else who was within the vicinity of your homework between Tuesday evening and Wednesday morning?"

Katsuki scoffs. "Yeah. Of _course._ Everyone here cheats off my homework, man."

"Yes, copies of your homework _are_ rather popular on the black market. N-not that _I_ would know!"

"Bakugou, can you name all the people who cheat off your homework?" Hagakure asks.

"Ha! Yeah, for starters—"

* * *

 **Suspect Interrogation #4: Tapey Babey**

"—and so that's why we've called you in for questioning," Hagakure finally finishes rambling. She chucks her magnifying glass up against the wall. "Now 'fess up, Sero!"

Oh. _Sero._

 _That's_ what his name was.

Katsuki immediately begins jotting down some notes.

 **Suspect Interrogation #4: Sero Hanta**

"Sorry, Hagakure," Sero says, sticking his pinky finger into his ear. "I didn't understand anything you just said, on account of not paying attention. Do you mind repeating it?"

"Ahem," Uraraka coughs, taking matters into her own hands. "The gist of what she said is that, based on all the circumstances, you've become a prime suspect in the destruction of Bakugou-kun's homework."

"Huh?"

Hagakure slides Katsuki's torn up homework across the table. "Does _this_ look familiar to you?"

Sero looks down at the piece of paper. He looks back up at the three of them. He throws his head back and lets out close to five-trillion-and-one chuckles. "Ha! Who would do this to your homework, man?" He wipes a tear from his eye. "Kirishima must've had it out for you, huh?"

Katsuki rolls his eyes. "Kirishima already said he didn't do it. _Twice._ But this isn't about Kirishima; it's about _you._ So tell us why you did this to our homework!"

"I didn't!" Sero forces out between fits of laughter.

"No, you clearly did. After cheating off my homework yesterday, you decided to _sabotage_ me and wreck my homework before I could turn it in!"

Sero's laughter suddenly dies down. "Dude, that's not how cheating works."

"After all, no one would have been able to tell that you cheated off my homework if they didn't _have_ my homework to compare it to!"

"What? I have _ethics,_ dude!" Sero frowns. "I wouldn't do that to someone's homework. Fact, I always make sure to purposefully fuck up one or two questions, so it can't be traced back to anyone." He crosses his arms over his chest. "My cheating is a win-win situation."

"No it's _not."_ Katsuki snarls. "You're _losing_ valuable critical thinking skills, you dumbshit."

"Huh? I have _plenty_ of critical thinking! For example, would a good critical thinker be _in_ this situation?" Sero asks with a sneer.

"... _No."_ Katsuki slams his palm into his forehead. "A _good critical thinker_ would have covered his tracks and never been caught cheating in the first place!"

Katsuki's words seem super effective, apparently wiping the smirk clean off of Sero's face. "Oh. W-well, if you put it _that_ way—"

"Now 'fess up!" Hagakure exclaims.

"But I didn't do it!" Sero cries out, all hints of arrogance now abundantly absent in his pleading.

"Ha! That's what they _all_ say!" Uraraka shouts out, pointing an accusatory finger at Sero.

"No!" Sero furiously shakes his head at her words. "I seriously had nothing to do with this!" Sero's voice lowers into a muffled whisper. "Fuck. What's the best way to get out of this? Who can I throw under the bus?" The cogs in his head spin faster than they ever have before, finally putting those _critical thinking_ skills to use. And then he shouts out, "Look, think of it this way. I'm not stupid enough to tear up the homework of someone I'm cheating off of and burn that bridge with them. After all, I believe in sticking with people through thick and thin." Instinctively, a meter of tape shoots out from his elbow. "But you know who _is_ stupid enough to do this to Bakugou's homework?" He licks his lips, his hair and head covered in so much perspiration that it looks like he's just taken a stroll in a typhoon. " _Kaminari."_

* * *

 **Stealth Mission #1: Kaminari Denki**

"Uhm…" Uraraka murmurs, peeping her way across the side of the brick wall along with Hagakure and Katsuki. "I don't understand how this plan is going to work."

"Huh? It's simple, isn't it?" Hagakure signals forwards with her magnifying glass, leading all three of them to duck behind a conveniently placed giant crate in the middle of this incredibly suspicious back alley. "Iida just texted Kaminari that he has some fresh copies of Bakugou's homework from today. If we follow Kaminari, we'll be able to catch him in the act during the tradeoff!"

Shuffling towards a trash can, Katsuki can't help but express his doubts as well. "Yeah, but how is Iida being a narc for _today's_ set of homework going to prove that Kaminari wrecked my homework _two days ago?"_

"Uhh…" Hagakure's voice deflates. "We'll solve this crime one step at a time, okay?"

"And why is _Iida_ the narc here?" Katsuki continues questioning. "He'd probably give our position away in two seconds flat."

"Well, Iida-kun _has_ been selling past exams on the black market for a few weeks now," Uraraka responds.

Katsuki throws a confused look in her direction.

"What?" Uraraka nonchalantly shrugs. "He had to help pay for his brother's hospital bills _somehow._ And also, all those exams are forged, so he can either claim in the end that they're 'mock exams for practice' or act as a double agent to bring cheaters down."

Ahead of all three of them, Kaminari whistles to himself, cheerily taking his sweet, sweet time to get to the dropoff point.

"Okay, _fine._ Iida aside," Katsuki whispers, turning back to face Hagakure's general direction, "why did we have to _tail_ him? Couldn't we have just hid at the dropoff point and waited for the two of them to start making the deal?"

"L-like I said, one step at a time, okay, Bakugou?" Having evidently paid more attention to Katsuki's protests rather than where she was going, Hagakure runs into a tin can. It rattles across the alley, clamoring in agony at its new dent.

Hearing this, all three of them immediately stop everything in their tracks. Too scared to breathe, they all painstakingly turn their necks around to look in Kaminari's direction. But the guy hasn't even flinched. Rather, it seems like he might even be whistling _louder_ now.

Taking a moment to let out a " _phew,"_ Hagakure motions them forwards once more.

And then, as luck would have it, she trips over a banana peel. That's conveniently smack dab in the middle of this back alley. Fucking _litterers._ (You know what, after these two instances today, Katsuki's resolved to storm back into the back alley tomorrow and clean up all this trash, because this shit isn't environmentally friendly.)

"Ow!" Hagakure yelps. And then she gasps, raising the arms of her uniform in a way to imply that she's covering her mouth out of shock.

Once again, the three of them painstakingly turn their necks around to look in Kaminari's direction. But not only is the idiot still whistling, he's thrown some headphones on over his ears because he apparently couldn't give two _shits_ about wariness.

And at this point, just to test _everybody's_ patience, Hagakure picks up the tin can from earlier and flings it at Kaminari's feet. It bounces off his heels at a high impact speed, ricocheting back into the back alley.

Kaminari doesn't even so much as flinch.

" _Huh."_ Hagakure straightens her body out, no longer feeling the need to treat this like any _actual_ stealth mission requiring _actual_ stealth. Jogging lightly up to Kaminari, she's now following him at only a seven meter's distance, rather than her previous twenty.

Seeing this, Katsuki and Uraraka throw a look in each other's direction. And then they both simultaneously shrug. Getting out of their crouching positions, they begin normally walking in tandem to Kaminari's steps.

But still at a respectable distance from Kaminari. Because at least _they_ can commit themselves to the ninja way.

A few minutes pass as the three of them continue tailing Kaminari. Except, at this point, all three have given up on any attempt to stay quiet. So they kick cans, rocks, and miscellaneous food waste on the streets with absolute abandon, now knowing that none of it would make any sort of difference anyway.

In the midst of all this, Hagakure pulls out her phone. Raising it up above her head like a vlogger might, she hits record. "So, I'm livestreaming my stealth mission right now!" she prattles on into the camera.

As if in direct response to her words, Kaminari stops dead in his tracks. With the light from his phone shining so deep into his eyes that their normal topaz hue has taken on an electrified lightning glow, Kaminari obliviously shouts out, "Woah, cool! Hagakure's doing a livestream right now?" Enthusiastically ripping his headphones off, he taps a finger to the screen. A YouTube video pops up.

From both behind and in front of the boy, Hagakure continues, "So here's the main gist of the situation: Bakugou's homework got torn up the other day and we're trying to find the perp! We think that this guy we're following might be it. Can you guys guess who it might be!"

"Ooh! Ooh!" Kaminari shouts out to his phone. "I bet it's Kirishima, isn't it? Oh wait, this guy's blonde. Hmm...Aoyama? No, but they're buds now, so that doesn't seem possible. Uh...who else has blonde hair that I know? Oh wait…" Kamanari's voice suddenly dies down. "Lemme rewind a bit. Who's behind her here? Uraraka and Bakugou and...uh...someone else? Who _is_ that? But that alleyway behind her looks kind of familiar. Oh! Oh! I'd know that mustard-stained brick wall anywhere! Uh...wait, wasn't I just there? And, now that I think of it... _I_ have blonde hair. Wait." The boy turns around. He drops his phone.

And to all this, Hagakure nervously giggles. "Oh. Haha. _Busted,"_ she says, clicking her livestream off.

* * *

 **Suspect Interrogation #5: Ashido Mina**

"So after Kaminari confessed to every crime he's ever committed _but_ the one crime we accused him of, we had to conclude he was innocent," Hagakure explains to her audience of one.

Ashido leans back in her chair, legs up on the table. "What's this have to do with me?" she asks.

"Well, since it's neither Sero _or_ Kaminari, and you're another one of the 1-A kids that likes to cheat off of Bakugou's homework, we thought it would be worth interrogating you."

"For what?" Ashido asks, popping a lollipop into her mouth.

"For vandalizing Bakugou-kun's homework!" Uraraka says.

"Huh?" With half-lidded eyes, Ashido looks disinterestedly at the piece of evidence flung into her face. "Oh, isn't that Bakugou's homework from yesterday? Ha, didn't you get in trouble with Aizawa for this?"

"So you _knew_ about this crime, _huh?"_ Hagakure exclaims.

"No. I don't know anything about this crime." The corner of Ashido's lips lift in a sinister snicker.

"Huh? But you just said you knew that Aizawa called Bakugou in to—"

"I didn't say that." Ashido loosely shrugs her shoulders.

"Wha...yes you did," Uraraka retorts.

Ashido giggles to herself. "No I didn't. You must be hearing things."

"No, you clearly said something along the lines of, 'Didn't Bakugou-kun get in trouble with Aizawa-sensei for—'"

"No, I didn't say that. _You_ just said that."

"Wha—"

"Okay, look here, Ashido," Katsuki says, taking matters into his own hands. "We're gonna need you to give us your alibi."

" _My_ alibi?" Ashido asks. "Why are you so sure _I_ did it?" She plucks the lollipop out of her mouth and uses it to point at Katsuki. "You keep asking me if _I_ did it, but how can I be sure that it wasn't _you_ who did it?"

" _What?_ How would that make _any_ sense?" Katsuki asks.

"It makes _perfect_ sense," Ashido responds. "See, you've always been jealous of my great grades in this class, so you tore up my homework—"

" _Your_ homework? This is _my_ homework here."

"No. It's _mine._ You just tore off the name on the sheet just to _claim_ it was yours."

"Ashido, why would I do that? Your grades are _worse_ than mine."

"No, your grades are worse than _mine._ As I was _trying_ to say before you rudely interrupted me, you've always been jealous of my intellectual prowess so you decided to go behind my back and tear my homework sheet to shreds. And then you acted like it was _me_ who tore up _your_ homework so you could get Aizawa to suspend my ass!" She snatches the homework from Uraraka's hand and holds it up to Katsuki. "So why did you do this to _my_ homework sheet?"

"Wh-What? No, I didn't—"

"We're gonna need an alibi, stat, Bakugou," Ashido says.

"Ashido does seem to make a pretty convincing argument here," Hagakure says. Her voice falters a bit in uncertainty. "So what's your alibi, Bakugou?"

Uraraka nods her head to the rhythm of Hagakure's words. "Yeah. Why would you do this to Ashido's homework, Bakugou-kun?"

"Wh—" Katsuki holds his hands up, utterly floored right now. "What's going on? Why is this happening?" Eyes widened in shock and confusion, he turns to look at Ashido. "How—?"

Ashido snickers. From the depths of her pockets, she slowly pulls out an Uno Reverse card.

* * *

 **Regroup #1**

"S-So, we're absolutely _sure_ that this is _Bakugou-kun's_ homework, right?" Uraraka asks, staring at the shredded up homework sheet before her.

Hagakure groans in pain. "I'm not sure of _anything_ anymore. How did Ashido even _do_ that?"

"Yeah, who even taught her how to gaslight an entire room?" Katsuki asks, head buried in his hands.

"Seriously!" Uraraka exclaims. "That entire interrogation made me feel like I was being brainwashed!"

"Brainwashed?" Hagakure's voice inflection suddenly raises an entire octave in pitch. "Uraraka, do you think—"

"Oh my gosh." Uraraka's eyes widen as she turns to face Hagakure. "Of course! It has to be—!"

The two of them grabbing Katsuki's hands, they rush him out of the dorms.

* * *

 **Suspect Interrogation #6: ?**

Now at night, the three of them stand opposite of a boy with exploded purple hair and permanent eyebags sunken into his face.

Katsuki has no idea who this is.

So of course, the guy _has_ to be guilty.

 **Suspect Interrogation #6: Aizawa Jr.**

"Who are you guys?" Aizawa Jr. asks. His gaze drifts between them all one by one.

"Psst, Uraraka," Hagakure loudly whispers. "Remember his quirk! Don't answer any of his questions!"

"Got it!" Uraraka shoots a thumbs up back at Hagakure. "So, Shinsou-kun, we're gonna need to ask you a few questions."

"Huh?" Shinsou asks. "Can you explain to me what's going on?"

"Hey, _we're_ asking the questions here, Shinsou!" Hagakure exclaims, pointing a pen at Shinsou's nose. "So do us a favor and end all of your sentences from now on with a _period,_ boy!"

Shinsou glares at them for a minute. And then he lowers his defenses. Sighing and hunching his back over in deference, he says, "Fine. Explain what's going on." He shoots the two girls a wary gaze, before adding in a soft, "Please."

"So on Wednesday morning," Hagakure begins her spiel, pacing around the room with notebook in hand, "Bakugou woke up to his homework torn to shreds. On that day, we also found out a _similar_ set of circumstances in which Sato — the night before — found his cake mysteriously ripped from the countertops and absconded into the night. And what's _more,_ my _teddy bear_ was stolen at around the same time!"

Oh, right, right. The _teddy bear._ Katsuki completely forgot about that factor.

"What does that have to do with me." Shinsou's voice is perfectly monotone.

"What this has to do with you is that _you_ stole Sato's cake that night. And as you walked down the hallways with the cake in your hands, you somehow ended up in Bakugou's room!"

"How. Why."

" _Somehow._ You looked at Bakugou's homework because Yuuei's general education department is half a chapter behind on math and _you_ wanted to get a leg up on next week's homework!"

"We're actually half a chapter _ahead_ of you guys on math."

"Well, Bakugou's pretty smart, so you decided to take a look at his homework _anyway._ However, while looking over it, you accidentally got some crumbs on it. While trying to wipe it off, you accidentally ended up ripping the paper!"

"How does your bear come into play here." Not even Shinsou's soullessly dead eyes can hide his confusion right now.

"You kept trying to fix your mistake but kept ripping the paper over and over. But you didn't want the crime to be traced back to you!" Hagakure excitedly exclaims, her train of thought chugging on faster and faster now. "So you ran into my room and stole my bear! If you committed two seemingly unrelated crimes at the same time, it would confuse us and throw us all off your scent!" Using her pen once again, she points at Shinsou. "And what's more, you _brainwashed_ us afterwards so we'd never catch you."

Shinsou's jaw drops wide open. "What?" he asks. And then he coughs. "What." After his correction, he once again continues his statements in only periods, "If I were going to brainwash you afterwards, I wouldn't need to throw you off my scent in the first place."

"But that's what you _want_ us to think!" Uraraka exclaims, joining in on Hagakure's accusatory finger pointing. "You could have just been extra careful. Or maybe you were hiding a _fourth_ crime?"

Shinsou squints his eyes at them. He frowns. "Also, I have no idea why you would even think to accuse me on—"

"We thought to accuse you because of your brainwashing quirk!"

"...Yeah, I got that. But what's the motive here." Shinsou glares at all three of them. "I don't even know you people."

Katsuki nods. "He makes a pretty good point." Gesturing towards Shinsou, he continues, "I've never even seen this guy before today."

Shinsou's frown turns into a scowl, impressed deep into his face. "We _have_ seen each other before, Bakugou. At the _sports_ festival."

Katsuki's assertive stance weakens ever so slightly. "We have?"

"Get out of my room," Shinsou demands. He begins pushing all three of them out the door.

"No, no, wait!" Uraraka says, digging her feet into the floor.

"Yeah! We're not leaving until you 'fess up!" Hagakure adds.

Shinsou's eyebrows twitch, and his voice lowers into a ghastly growl. "Leave now, or I'm _actually_ going to use my quirk on the three of you."

Uraraka and Hagakure immediately rush out of the room. Taking a moment to briefly admire the gigantic cloud of dust in their wake, Katsuki turns to Shinsou. Lightly patting the guy on the shoulder, he says, "Sorry about all that, man."

"Seriously, get out."

* * *

 **Regroup #2**

"Okay, so who do we have checked off the list of potential suspects?" Uraraka asks Hagakure, her eyes manic and bloodshot at this unholy hour of 11 pm.

"Uh, everyone in 1-A _but_ Aoyama, Asui, Ojiro, Koda, Jirou, and Midoriya."

From somewhere off in the distance, just a little bit off to the side of Hagakure's open door, the words, "What about Mineta?" float through and evaporate into empty air.

"So no one other than Aoyama-kun, Asui-chan, Ojiro-kun, Koda-kun, Jirou-chan, and Deku-kun?" Uraraka repeats.

For a moment, Hagakure hesitates, humming in deep thought. She shakes her pen. "Nope!"

" _What about Mineta?"_ the voice outside the door asks again.

"Then who do we think is the most _villainous_ of the remaining 1-A kids?" Katsuki asks.

From the door, comes a disgruntled: "AGH!"

"Who's the most _villainous?"_ Hagakure asks. "Bakugou, don't you think that's kinda _rude?"_

"What?" Katsuki folds his arms across his chest. "It was an honest question."

"Well, the most likely _would_ be a student, huh?" Uraraka muses, finger tapping against her chin. And then she draws a sharp gasp. "But what if it _wasn't_ a student?"

"What are you talking about, Uraraka?" Though Katsuki is already 97% sure that whatever the fuck Uraraka's about to say is going to be some kind of crazyass shit, the fact that he's 98% whipped completely negates any doubts he might have. It also makes him (somewhat) willing to listen to opinions that aren't his. "Care to explain?"

"Okay, okay, _listen,"_ Uraraka begins. From on top of Hagakure's fridge, she starts pulling out a roll of tinfoil. "Think about it this way. Stealing cake? Shredding up homework? Taking a _teddy bear?_ Sugar, homework, and plushies. They're all associated with young kids. Clearly, whoever did this wanted us to _think_ they were a student." She looks around the room, tearing lengths of tinfoil from its roll. "But why? Why would they _want_ us to think that, unless—"

"Unless they _weren't_ a student!" Hagakure exclaims, joining in on the tinfoil train to tear some of her _own_ off the roll.

"Then who do we know that _isn't_ a student and also has it out for me?" Katsuki asks. But the second the question mark leaves his lips, he gasps, realizing the answer. He looks at the two of them. (Or, he looks at Uraraka and pretends he can see Hagakure there as well.) "What if it was—"

" _Aizawa-sensei!"_ all three of them shout in unison.

Beginning to shape the tinfoil in her hands, Uraraka begins, "Before _our_ year, Aizawa-sensei _always_ used to expel about two students year _,_ didn't he? But for _our_ year so far, no one's been expelled yet."

"You're _right,_ Uraraka!" Hagakure shouts out. "None of us have been expelled so far and we're nearing the end of our first year. But...what if Aizawa-sensei usually has some kind of expulsion quota to meet?"

"Then he'd get _nervous."_ Katsuki nods his head, gritting his teeth together. "And when he got _nervous,_ he got _desperate."_

"So in Aizawa-sensei's desperation, he thought, who would be the easiest targets to expel? _Two_ of the people who've already been _suspended_ so far. Bakugou and Sato!"

With her tinfoil now fastened into what could only be described as a shiny dunce's cap, Uraraka firmly places it onto her head. "Aizawa-sensei must have _stolen_ Sato-kun's cake hoping that Sato-kun would start another altercation over his missing dessert. But in case _that_ didn't work out — which it _didn't_ — he also snuck into Bakugou-kun's room to tear his homework to shreds! After all, Bakugou-kun has already been suspended three times now! So it wouldn't take Aizawa-sensei much more to _finally_ get him expelled."

"But how does my bear fit into this scheme, Uraraka?" Hagakure asks, a tinfoil hat floating on what Katsuki can only presume (and hope) is her head.

"Maybe that was his backup plan! If he couldn't get either Bakugou-kun _or_ Sato-kun to do what he wanted them to do — namely, fight people — then he could always accuse one of them of stealing Hagakure's bear!"

"Yeah. Yeah. Think of it this way," Katsuki says, now fastening his _own_ tinfoil hat onto his head. "Aizawa was the first to know about my fucked up homework and called me in for it." At those words, a little voice in his head nags at him, _Dude, that's because that's his job._ He ignores the little voice. "And what was one of the first things he said to me when he called me in?" He gasps, his lips dried and chapped from being only seconds away from uttering the universe's absolute truth. "He threatened expulsion. The perp _must've_ been Aizawa."

* * *

 **Suspect Interrogation #7: Aizawa Shota**

"So _look here,_ Aizawa-sensei!" Hagakure exclaims, her tinfoil hat bobbing in midair. "We're gonna need to ask you some questions."

It's the next day now, approximately an hour before class. During the morning, Uraraka, Hagakure, and Katsuki had all woken up at 5 am, reconfigured their thoughts and plans together over an early breakfast, and scampered off to class 1-A as early as they possibly could. And with them all standing before Aizawa now, there's no more room left for second thoughts.

Cocooned tightly in his sleeping bag (but still miraculously in a standing position behind his podium), Aizawa snorts. "Questions? No. No more questions."

" _Yes_ more questions!" Uraraka proclaims. "Tell us everything you know about Bakugou-kun's homework from yesterday?"

"Bakugou?" Aizawa asks in a raspy voice. "Him? What _about_ him?" He grunts again. "And what about Midoriya?"

"No, Aizawa-sensei. This has nothing to do with Deku. We're talking about _Bakugou_ here," Hagakure shouts into the guy's face.

"Bakugou is...rough around the edges." Aizawa grimaces a bit. "But deep down, I know he's a good kid."

Katsuki smirks to himself. Heh. Him interrogating his teacher for framing him doesn't take away from that compliment. In fact, it _actually_ makes the comment all the more sweeter.

"If he's such a good kid, why would you want to _expel_ him?" Uraraka asks.

"Expel? Yeah, I love expelling kids."

"Aha!" Hagakure squeals. "We finally found the perp!"

"What perp?" Aizawa asks. "Are you talking about the...about the big blue bear outside the window?"

All three of their heads whip around to look out the window. But the only thing blue outside it is the big blue sky.

"Eri, please stop filling the room with bubbles," Aizawa mumbles, turning their attention back towards him.

At those ominous words, Katsuki briefly scans the room. But there's no little girl in sight, so he looks confusedly back at Aizawa. "Eri's not here," he says.

"Yes she is," Aizawa continues mumbling. "She's right behind you."

Katsuki looks behind him.

No one's there.

Damn, is he being gaslit again?

"No, All Might. You _can't_ have a final smash named after Connecticut. No. If you do, I'll Connecti- _cut_ you."

"Uh, is Aizawa-sensei making any sense to you guys?" Uraraka asks, tinfoil hat slipping off her head just a little.

"No, not at all." Hagakure's tinfoil hat has fallen to the floor. "Also, am I the only one, or has Aizawa-sensei not blinked in the past five minutes?"

"No. It's not just you," Katsuki replies. He leans in towards Aizawa, squinting. "And his eyes aren't red, either. So he's not _not_ blinking because of his quirk or anything."

"Yeah, that's super weird," Uraraka muses, also leaning in towards Aizawa's face. And then her eyes catch on something. "Huh. What's this weird flap of skin here?"

And then, in one swift motion, she tears _Aizawa's eyes out of his face._

Revealing...another pair of eyes beneath. And a sleep mask in her hand.

"What's going on?" Katsuki asks, his gaze rapidly fluttering between Aizawa's face and the pair of Aizawa's eyes attached to the sleep mask in Uraraka's hands. "What's happening here?"

"That's something _I'd_ like to ask _you,"_ Aizawa growls in front of them, popping his second pair of eyes open.

Instinctively, Katsuki's hand reaches out towards the teacher's face, wondering if beneath the second set of eyes there might actually be a _third_ pair. But then he swats that hand away with his other hand. Because he would _definitely_ get expelled here if he turned out to be wrong.

"What's going on?" Aizawa asks, scowling at the three of his students.

"Uh…" Uraraka drawls, stalling for time. She looks at him, then back to the sleep mask in her hands. A lightbulb seems to go off in her head. "Well, actually, we could ask the same to you. What's _this?"_ She wildly shakes the sleep mask in the air.

So quickly that Katsuki's eyes can barely catch the motion, Aizawa unzips his sleeping bag, snatches the sleep mask out of Uraraka's hands, and zips his sleeping bag back up. His eyebrows furrow together in irritation. "It's a sleep mask," he matter-of-factly states.

"Yeah, but why does it have your _eyes_ printed on—"

"Because I've perfected the art of sleeping while standing up. The only thing I needed to keep up my ruse of being awake at all times was a sleep mask that could blend perfectly into my face." Adjusting it back onto his head, he continues, "I've used this in class several times before and no one's ever noticed. Proves it works." And then he begins snoring.

At those final words, Katsuki, Hagakure, and Uraraka take one, long, exhausted look at each other. And then they toss their tinfoil hats into the trash can and all slump into their respective seats.

* * *

 **Suspect Interrogation #8: Aoyama Yuga, Asui Tsuyu, and Deku**

"Kacchan," Deku says. "What's going on? Why did you need to talk to the three of us right after class?"

"Shut it, Deku," Katsuki demands. Uraraka throws a dirty glare in his direction. "Uh...I mean...be quiet for a moment, Deku." Katsuki looks back at Uraraka, who still doesn't look all that satisfied with his correction. "...Please," Katsuki softly adds.

Deku nods his head, but he exchanges a wary look with Tsu, who takes it upon herself to repeat Deku's question for him. "Can you, ribbit, tell us what's going on?" she asks.

"Well, the short answer is that we've called you in for questioning," Hagakure answers.

"And the _long_ answer is that we just finished interrogating Aizawa, and though we left that little...uh... _chat_ feeling pretty dejected, we realized something," Katsuki explains. "See, in the middle of the interrogation, Aizawa had said, 'What about Deku?' Never mind the fact that the guy was asleep and that maybe none of his words from that interrogation would be admissible in a courtroom. Because while I was racking my head during class time to try to figure out who the perp was — because I've spent about _two days_ trying to figure this shit out, and by the sunk cost fallacy, I _refuse_ to let this shit go until I've figured it out — I remembered those words. 'What about Deku?' And I thought to myself, 'Yeah, what _about_ Deku? That little twerp _hates_ me! And that's _all_ the motivation he needs to tear my homework to shreds!'"

"Kacchan, I don't _hate_ you," Deku says, as if that's the only thing he's gathered from Katsuki's long, rambling spiel. "I mean, _sure,_ you weren't...the _nicest_ to me when we were kids. And you're still kinda not that great to me even now..." His voice trails off. "But I don't hate you, or anything."

...Damn, if Deku puts it _that_ way, then it'd be pretty understandable for him to hate Katsuki. Rather, based on that brief account of his life, it'd probably be more likely that _Katsuki_ was the one to tear _Deku's_ homework to shreds.

The memory of the inky void of Ashido's eyes leer into his very soul.

Fuck.

For the third time in two days, Katsuki questions if this really was _his_ homework that got fucked up on Wednesday.

No.

That's not important here.

"And, you still never thanked me for helping you out with that villain from that time in middle school…" Deku murmurs in a low, shaky voice.

Katsuki's taken aback.

Since when did the little twerp get so demanding?

He scowls for a second. And then his lips slowly tighten into a straight line, as his mind reels in its inability to understand how to feel right now.

This is Deku.

Never mind that _Deku_ apparently doesn't hate him, but _Katsuki_ sure as hell hates _him._

The stupid nerd used to follow him around everywhere when they were kids, annoying him every step of the way. And he was just _all too easy_ to make cry, so really, all those tears were _Deku's_ fault.

No.

Katsuki mentally sighs.

 _No._

That's jerk-talk. And he's above that now. Or, at least, he likes to _think_ that he's above that now.

Sure, Deku was annoying as a kid, but he was just as much of a follower of Katsuki as all his other friends. And Katsuki _loves_ having people worship his every breath, so it's not like Deku did any wrong on _that_ front.

And _maybe_ Deku was always being a useless dipshit when it came to their games because he couldn't spice anything up with any cool tricks. But it's not _Deku's_ fault that he was born quirkless — it's probably the fault of his deadbeat dad.

Deku is annoyingly persistent, and vexingly loyal to the people he knows, no matter how much they push him down. And believe him, Katsuki's pushed Deku down a _lot._

But...those stupid qualities of him were what got Deku moving a year ago when no one else would. When everyone _else_ just stood back and waited for a hero to save Katsuki as he was suffocating to death, Deku was the only one to blindly run up to him and try to help. Deku was the only one to _move._ Deku was the only one willing to sacrifice himself for Katsuki's sake, even though Katsuki would never do the same for Deku.

Katsuki's jaw tightens. He balls his hands into fists as a self-defense mechanism against his emotions.

And then, he lets it all go.

What's the point of pride here? Does he want to just continue being a shithead jerk for the rest of his life, or does he actually _want_ to learn compassion and empathy like the little voice in his head always tell him to do?

Katsuki takes a deep breath, but none of it seems to penetrate through his trachea, so he takes another deep breath. He looks Deku dead in the eyes. "T-thank you," he says, his voice coming out at a volume barely above a whisper. Katsuki frowns. No. That's not good enough. Coughing a bit to steel his nerves, Katsuki repeats, "Thank you, Deku. For saving me from that villain a year ago. It…" Katsuki looks away. "It meant a lot," he finishes, in a low murmur.

When Katsuki finally takes a hesitant glance back in Deku's direction, he finds a flabbergasted Deku with his mouth gaping wide open.

Around him, Uraraka and Tsu seem to be doing just about the same.

Meanwhile, Aoyama is completely unfazed, smiling listlessly into a vanity mirror. And Hagakure...doesn't have a mouth to visibly gape open.

"Oh." Deku awkwardly lets out a cough. "I, uh, don't know how to respond. Uhm...thanks, Kacchan."

Katsuki narrows his eyes at the kid. Even when Katsuki's doing his _very best_ to be nice, _Deku_ still manages to grate on his every nerve. "Don't say _thanks_ to my _thanks._ That's not how it works!"

"But, Kacchan, I just wanted to—"

"Wanted to what, _huh?_ Start a fight? I'd be more than happy to do that!" Katsuki readies his fists at his side.

"O-kay, Bakugou," Hagakure says, patting Katsuki lightly on the back. "Good therapy session there, but that's not what we came here for, you know. So let's get back onto topic."

Topic?

Oh, yeah, _that._

Damn, Katsuki was so focused on Deku being an annoying whiny little bitch baby that he forgot about the _real_ reason why he was here in the first place.

To toss Deku into anime jail.

"Yeah. Back onto topic," Katsuki repeats. "Deku, explain yourself. Why would you do that shit to my homework, huh?"

"Well, I didn't." Deku holds his hands up in surrender. "Kacchan, I'm innocent!"

Too tired to continue talking to Deku any longer, Katsuki turns to face Tsu. "Then what about you?"

"Didn't you just call us here because we were sitting next to Deku-kun after class, ribbit?"

"Oh. Well, uh, fuck. Aoyama?" Katsuki asks, turning towards the only other blond in the room. "Where were _you_ at the time of the—"

Aoyama shakes his head. "Bakugou-san, committing a crime is not ~✶✵✺✳︎✷✬◇✧ ✦✷✬✪✭ ✧◇✶✵✺✳︎✷✬◇✧ ✭✶✵✺✳︎✷✬✪✭ ✧◇✦Fabulous✦◇✧ ✭✪✬✷✳︎✺✵✶✭ ✧◇✬✷✳︎✺✵✶✭◇✧ ✭✪✬✷✦ ✧◇✬✷✳︎✺✵✶~"

Katsuki sighs.

Yeah, he guesses that checks out.

* * *

 **Suspect Interrogation #9: Koda Koji, Jirou Kyouka, and Tails**

"—so, in short, you called us here because we were the only kids left in 1-A that you hadn't yet interrogated," Jirou says in monotone, her entire demeanor itself managing to throw a dirty glare in Katsuki's direction.

Katsuki gulps. "Yeah. That's it."

"Are you sure you interrogated everyone? And are you sure it wasn't just the obvious choices? Like, Kaminari...and Kirishima?" Jirou asks, quirking an eyebrow.

"Yeah. They both said they didn't do it."

"So we really _are_ the last ones left," Jirou muses, gaze lowering to the floor.

Off to the sidelines, someone rather irritatedly shouts out, "But what about _Mineta?!"_

"Anyway"—Jirou shrugs—"I didn't do it."

Katsuki frowns. "Come on, we're gonna need more than _that_ to rule you out—"

"Dude, I don't _care_ enough about you to do something like that," Jirou says. "See, every time you're out of my line of vision, I completely forget you exist." She turns around, back facing towards him. "Right now, I don't know of any guy named Bakugou." She turns back around to face him. "Oh look! Suddenly, I remember that there _is_ a guy I know that goes by that name." She turns around once more. "And, oh wait? What's that? Who was I thinking of, just now? I seriously can't recall."

The corners of Katsuki's lips sink down to his chin. Look, normally, being mean in court would probably be like _some_ kind of admission of guilt to the jury.

But there's no jury here.

And they're not in court.

And Katsuki doesn't want to argue any further with Jirou, because he always loses. So he just moves on to the next person. "Tails," he says.

"It's Ojiro, actually."

"Oh. Okay, Ojiro. Can you give us any substantial evidence that you _didn't_ commit any of the crimes we listed?" Katsuki asks.

"Well, no, but…" Ojiro rubs pensively at his chin. "Well, I don't like sweet food too much. And I'm not doing bad enough in math that I'd feel the need to cheat off someone else's homework...not that I'd ever do that in the first place, of course! And in regards to the teddy bear, well I'd probably prefer stuffed monkeys more."

Katsuki draws a deep, heavy sigh. Turning to the last person who could possibly give him any sense of hope in this empty, meaningless, _jerk_ world, he says, "Koda, _please—"_

"Sorry, I didn't do it either."

Behind him, Hagakure and Uraraka both groan in agony.

 _Fuck._

Rubbing at his eyebrows in pain, Katsuki internally begins to weep. With all of 1-A off the table, and _also_ Shinsou and Aizawa, then who the fuck is left?

"Oh b-but!" Koda adds, holding a finger up in exclamation. "You know, on Tuesday night, I actually forgot to feed Coco. And Sato baked _carrot cake_ that night, right? W-Well, Coco _loves_ carrots, so—"

Rapidly closing the distance between them until he's only a few centimeters away from Koda's face, Katsuki lifts a finger to Koda's lips. "Shh, shh, shh. Say no more." With a glimmer of hope returning back to his eyes, Katsuki looks gleefully out the window. "I got it."

* * *

 **Suspect Interrogation #10: Coco**

"—and that's the gist of it, Coco," Katsuki finally finishes explaining, squatting down to Coco's meager height. "So now I'm gonna ask you just _one_ question: Did you do it?" He narrows his eyes at the dog. "Bark once if the answer is yes."

"...Ruff!" Coco barks out, tongue lopping out of her mouth.

To his side, Hagakure and Uraraka pump their fists into the air. As the three of them begin to exchange a full round of high fives, Uraraka exclaims, "Yes! _Finally,_ we found the perp!"

And then, as if just to _spite_ them, Coco barks again. "Ruff!"

The three humans immediately stop everything they're doing. Katsuki squats down once again to Coco's level, glaring deep into her beady little eyes. "I only said to bark _once_ if you did it. But you barked _twice._ What's _that_ mean?"

"...Ruff!"

"Hey! Don't answer my question with a third bark!"

"Ruff ruff woof ruff ruff!"

Katsuki nods his head along with Coco. Because right now, either he's entirely fucking _lost it,_ or he's managed to pick up a quirk where he can somewhat _understand_ what she's trying to say.

...Okay, you know what, now that he's hearing what he just thought back there, Katsuki's gonna say it's the former of the two options. Yeah. He's _definitely_ lost it.

"So you didn't do it, Coco, but you know who did?" Katsuki translates.

"Uh...Bakugou-kun"—Uraraka cautiously places a hand on Katsuki's shoulder—"I don't mean to be the bearer of bad news, but...you're not Koda-kun. So, I don't think that you can understand—"

But without waiting to hear the rest of Uraraka's sentence, Coco bounds off into the distance. And because Katsuki has no marbles left in the empty tin can of his brain, he runs off after her.

As he chases her off into the sunset, Katsuki catches sight of a faint, black silhouette in the distance. Lifting a hand to his forehead to act as a visor against the fiery rays of dusk, Katsuki squints his eyes at the offending figure.

It's small.

 _Tiny,_ even.

With four gigantic balls of hair perched on top its scalp.

And as he gets closer, Katsuki finally finds the perp. The thing that's haunted his every dream since _Wednesday,_ two days ago.

Lavishing in its life of luxury in this incredibly large trash can is a _raccoon._ With a _mohawk._

(What the fuck is up with animals in this universe? You know what...not important.)

Held in the raccoon's grubby little paws are pieces of cake — green spots of mold beginning to sprout from the orange specks of carrots. And beside it, tiny pieces of paper litter the floor.

Tiny pieces of paper with _numbers_ and _math letters_ and Katsuki's _word letters_ on them.

...Yeah, without a doubt, out of the three of them — Hagakure, Uraraka, and Katsuki — _Coco_ is the only real cop here. The _only one_ to have found the perp on her own.

Truly, this is a sad day for Bakugou Katsuki. To be _bested._ By a _dog._

If Katsuki weren't so happy from finally figuring out who had done him dirty, then he would be crying alone in his room just about now. He's really in an emotionally tumultuous predicament here, he'll tell ya.

"Oh, Bakugou-kun!" Uraraka pants behind him. "There...you are!"

"Bakugou, you can't just run off like that!" Hagakure shouts, also rapidfire breathing in her exhaustion.

In response to the two of them, Katsuki points to the raccoon relishing in moldy garbage cake beneath him. "Look. Coco found the perp."

"Oh!" Uraraka exclaims, clutching a hand to her chest. Her breaths slowly start to even out. "Sato-kun's cake! And your homework, Bakugou-kun!"

"Yeah. We found him. A... _raccoon."_ Katsuki bites his lips, annoyed at the fact that after _multiple_ interrogations — one of which that even had his _ass_ riding on the line of _expulsion —_ and _one_ stealth mission, the person who committed the crime wasn't even a person at _all._

No.

It was. A fucking. _Raccoon._

 _With a mohawk._

Using a magnifying glass as a pseudo-hand once again, Hagakure begins to count off all the objects in sight. "So the perp was a raccoon. We have the cake. And the homework. But wait." Hagakure's _voice_ somehow manages to emit an angry pout. "Where's my _teddy bear?"_ As if to punctuate this sudden flare in her emotions, she flings her magnifying glass into the sun.

And just then, very _conveniently_ at that moment, Blond Bitch, aka Monoma, suddenly rolls on by.

"Oh, three of class 1-A gathered outside of the dorms?" Monoma begins to chuckle. His eyes hold no mirth. "If I tell the teachers, you're all gonna get in trouble," he snickers.

"Monoma." Hagakure crosses the arms of her uniform over one another and clicks her tongue. "Snitches get stitches, dude."

"Hmmm, other than your unwanted opinion, don't you have something to ask me?" Monoma puffs out his chest, eager for attention.

"Uh, no." Hagakure turns her back to Monoma. "I don't have anything to ask you."

"Nothing about missing possessions or anything?" he negs on.

"No, Monoma."

"Seriously. You can't think of even _one_ thing?"

"No, I seriously can't."

"Your _bear!"_ Monoma finally shouts out in frustration. "I'm talking about your _bear."_

"My bear?" Hagakure suddenly turns back around to face Monoma. "What do you know about my—"

"I stole it," Monoma mutters. "But this wasn't as fun as I thought, so here, take it back."

And then he throws something to Hagakure, whose uniformed arms proudly hold something up upon receiving it.

Behind her, Uraraka and Katsuki exchange a wary glance.

"Uh, Hagakure-chan," Uraraka begins, tentatively voicing out her concerns. "Are you _sure_ that your bear—"

"Yes! It's _definitely_ Mr. Beary! Oh, how I've missed you!" Hagakure squeals.

"Ah, but Hagakure-chan, could there have been a mistake, or—"

"No! No mistake at all! I'd recognize Mr. Beary's cute button eyes _anywhere."_

"Well, Hagakure-chan—"

"Let me take it from here, Uraraka," Katsuki interrupts, gently placing a hand on her shoulder as if to tap her out. "Hagakure, we can't see your bear."

Sure enough, extending past Hagakure's uniformed arms is a canyon of empty air.

There is no bear.

"You can't see him?" Hagakure asks.

"Ha! Of course they can't see him!" Monoma condescendingly sneers at Katsuki. "After all, _I_ was only able to see the bear after stealing Hagakure's quirk."

"Wait, wha—"

"See, this bear's physical form is tucked away in the ninth dimension. Your mortal, stupid _1-A_ eyes could never even _dream_ of seeing it."

At Monoma's patronizing declaration, Katsuki slowly nods his head.

Yeah.

It's been a long week.

And now, he's just gonna go back to his dorm and just forget any of this ever happened.

Grabbing Uraraka by the hand, he nods his head in the direction of the dorms. "Come on, Uraraka. Let's go."

* * *

The next morning — finally a _weekend_ morning, thank All Might — Katsuki lays his entire back out on the common room's communal couch.

Yawning again, he looks over at Uraraka sprawled out on the other couch. "Get any sleep last night?" he asks her.

"No." She slumps further into the cushions. "Seriously. A _raccoon!"_ She groans. "Just the thought of it kept me up all night. Of being bested. By a _raccoon."_

Katsuki snorts. Yeah. Him too.

Though, it was probably all for the better this way. After all, cake _and_ homework? That's, like, grand larceny, and if any student had _actually_ committed those crimes, Aizawa would've _definitely_ expelled their ass within two seconds.

Too bad no one could expel _Monoma,_ though, on account of no one being to prove that he had ever taken Hagakure's bear at all.

At that moment, Hagakure storms into the common room, a lone sheet of paper hovering very close by her floating clothes.

A sheet of paper. In the (presumed) hands of a 1-A kid.

Katsuki suddenly startles awake.

Oh no. Fucking _no._

Before he can even get back onto his feet and sprint towards the safety of his room, however, Hagakure grabs his arm, stopping him in his tracks.

"Bakugou!" she proclaims with an infuriatingly naive inflection of joy. "So after the events of the past three days—"

"No, Hagakure. Seriously. You really don't have to—"

"I just wanted to thank you—"

"And that's enough thanks. Seriously, no need for more."

"Aww, but I _want_ to, Bakugou. Here." She drops the piece of paper into his hands. "It's _my_ letter of recommendation for you."

Katsuki groans. Against his better judgment, he shakes the paper, straightening it out in preparation for an excruciatingly painful read.

Except...thing is, when looks down at it, it's completely blank. As in, there's nothing written on the paper. It's _blank_ blank _._

"Uh, Hagakure—"

"Oh. Of course you can't read it, _duh!_ I wrote it in invisible ink!" She giggles.

Katsuki looks at the sheet of paper in his right hand. He flicks his left wrist. Feels the heat of an explosion roll off his cheeks as he squints, trying to see if there's anything on the paper.

He still can't read shit for shit.

"Hey, you!" Katsuki says, pointing at Todoroki on the other end of the common room. "Come over here for a second."

Unquestioningly obedient, Todoroki ambles over to Katsuki's side.

"Can you set a small fire with your hand and hold it above us?" Katsuki asks.

Todoroki flicks his wrist, creating a stable lightsource above the two of them.

Once again, Katsuki squints at the offending sheet of paper, trying to make out what's on the sheet.

"Hagakure," he finally says, after a whole entire minute of trying to make out any semblance of a letter on the paper. "I still can't see anything."

"Haha, no, _silly._ I didn't write it with _lemon juice._ I wrote the letter with _invisible ink!"_

At her words, Katsuki takes a long, deep, _exasperated_ breath.

An invisible body.

An invisible teddy bear.

And now ink. That's _also_ invisible.

You know what they say: three's the charm. Three's the trifecta. Three's the _fucking whatever._ And after all this, Katsuki knows that, after three instances of Hagakure pulling this 'ninth dimension' shit on him, he can only conclude one thing.

That Hagakure Tooru is a lowly, undignified mime.

 **Congratulations! You have learned «Prejudice»** **against the class «Mime».**

* * *

 **A/N:** Thanks for slugging through this chapter! Anyway, next chapter is gonna be Mineta so strap on your boots for that guy LOL. I'm gonna respond to a few of you guys below:

 **Sarah Usher:** I wish I could respond in Spanish to express to you how much your words mean to me ;-; but I don't want to butcher your native language LOL. But thank you so much. To hear that my fic can brighten your day absolutely brightens _my_ day, and thank you so much for recommending it to your friends!

 **CanadianBlitz:** Omg thank you! I'm so honored that you find my storylines amazing, because tbh this fic is an exercise in improv and I really have no foresight for this fic like 70% of the time LOL so your words really mean a lot thank you so much!

 **Madeline99:** Thank you so much! I'm so glad that this is the funniest fic you've ever read? Omg I'm so honored to hear that! I'll continue to do my best to live up to this standard!

 **Tasia'sENDLESSDreams:** I'm so glad you found that chapter adorable! That makes me so happy! And thank you for your ideas! Unfortunately, by the time I saw them, I think I was already dead set on "Lol, wouldn't it be funny if Hagakure did a stealth mission...because she's invisible LOL." If it hadn't been for that incredibly dumb idea of mine, I probably would've gone with one of yours, I really loved them! They were so cute, thank you!

 **Guest:** LOL idk if I've ever laughed so hard at a review as seeing the words, "you are officialy the master at dishing out second hand embarrasment" LOL thank you! I proudly claim that title with love.

Thank you all again so so much for reading, especially to the few of you who might have stuck it out with me since the very beginning. I love and appreciate you all. See you all next chapter!


	17. Obligatory Beach Episode

"So, _Bakugou,_ I've heard you've been trying to make some friends lately, right?"

Katsuki stares down at a small boy.

Well, okay, it's not necessarily that he _stares down_ the boy.

What he means is: he's staring, _yes,_ but he's not looking _down_ at the guy in a demeaning way or anything. At the very least, he's not actively _trying_ to.

...Look, it's not _Katsuki's_ fault that the guy is so short.

The little boy's eyes shift warily around the vicinity of the room, giving him the demeanor of a raccoon awaiting trial for grand garbage larceny. "So, Bakugou," the boy repeats, "if you want to become friends with everyone so bad, why don't you become friends with _me?"_

Katsuki rolls his eyes and slams the door to his room shut.

"Aww, c'mon Bakugou!" The boy starts pounding on the door, with so much force that at times it seems like he's ramming the full weight of his body onto it. "This is discrimination, man! You can't just become friends with everyone and not _me,_ Mineta Minoru!"

Katsuki scowls at Mineta's words. "I'm _not_ friends with everyone. And honestly, me even _talking_ to some of them was purely accidental."

"Like which ones?"

"Like _you."_ Katsuki throws his headphones on and starts blasting heavy metal. Actually, he's not really a heavy metal type of guy — surprisingly, he's more of a jazz opera kinda guy (you can thank his dad for his wack taste in music) — but he'll take _anything_ to drown out this noise right now.

"Bakugou! You can't just reject me like this!" the muffled words of Mineta somehow travel into Katsuki's ears, even _with_ his headphones cranked to an earthquake inducing volume.

So, naturally, Katsuki turns the volume up.

"Bakugou! If you don't open this door right now and become my friend, I'm gonna stick my balls on your door and you'll _never_ be able to leave your room again." Mineta continues pounding on the door in a furious frenzy. "I'm going to dunk my balls _so hard_ on your door. I'm gonna go real _balls to the walls,_ Bakugou! And I ain't gonna quit _busting your balls_ about it until you let me in!"

And then, Katsuki hears something pop. And then another something pops. One by one, springing onto the wood of his door like bubbles.

Sticky, sticky, _disgusting_ bubbles.

The second he realizes what the fuck's going on, Katsuki rips off his headphones and hurls them onto his bed. "Does consent mean nothing to you?" Katsuki screams through the door.

"No!" Mineta yells back.

"Well, it fucking _should!"_

"Haven't you been making the rounds lately, making friends?" Mineta screeches, completely ignoring Katsuki's kindly-worded advice. "It's _my_ turn now! I demand it! Otherwise, it's not _fair._ " He bombs the door with yet another sticky ball grenade.

Katsuki's already present scowl morphs into a full-on glower now. For a brief moment, he weighs the pros and cons of opening the door and permitting a little gremlin into his life. A little gremlin who may or may not reveal himself to be a troll beneath a bridge — poised at the starting line and completely prepared to run off into the night with Katsuki's firstborn child.

Well, the cons of letting Mineta into his room is that, if Mineta is _indeed_ a fae creature, inviting him in will probably curse Katsuki for the rest of eternity.

That...that's a pretty solid rebuttal to letting him in, he'll tell ya.

Now, the _pros_ of letting Mineta into his room is…

It's….

Katsuki rests his chin on his hand, contemplating for a second.

A _pro_ of becoming friends with Mineta would be...having...another...friend? _Maybe?_

But Katsuki already has _enough_ friends now. In fact, he might even have _too many._ Knowing the names of everyone in his class now is _tiring._ Rather, Katsuki now looks fondly back to the days when certain subsections of his brain weren't dedicated to repeating the words "Sato Hagakure Kaminari Jirou Koda" over and over again.

So would it _really_ be a con to be holed up in his room forever? He has a tv here. Some consoles. A few manga. And, honestly, if he ever needed to go out, there's still a window in his room. So, really, he could just blast himself out the window if he ever actually _wanted_ to socialize with people, for whatever reason. One could even call it a real _window of opportunity,_ there.

"And once I'm done with your door, I'll stick my balls all across your window, _too!"_ Mineta shouts through the door, as if reading Katsuki's mind with the most perfect of clarity.

Fuck.

 _Fuck._

Katsuki pulls on the handle of his door.

It won't budge.

Katsuki yanks on it.

It budges barely a few millimeters downwards.

Katsuki places both palms of his hand on the door and blows it into smithereens.

As splinters of wood rain down from the sky, Katsuki can only shrug at the debris surrounding him. Whatever; Cementoss'll have to fix it all later. And if _anyone_ should get suspended for this, it should be _Mineta_ for blackmailing him into friendship in the first place.

"So, _friend,"_ Katsuki says, biting his tongue in irritation at having to comply with Mineta's aggravating demands, "what do you want to do first?"

Mineta claps his paws together, rubbing them together in glee. "All my favorite activities." He eerily snickers.

* * *

As the two of them walk together to Mineta's room, Mineta has taken hold of Katsuki's hand. And by "taken hold," Katsuki means that Mineta has imprisoned Katsuki's hand in an ironclad grip and _refuses to let go_ in the _incredibly reasonable_ fear that Katsuki might run off.

As they finally reach Mineta's room, the beginnings of a smirk begin to crawl up Mineta's face like a worm slinking its way out of a sidewalk during a rainstorm. "So, _Bakugou,"_ Mineta begins, opening the door to his room just a crack. "Are you ready for activity one?"

Katsuki glances warily into Mineta's room.

The room is dark, and smells like calamity.

"Depends." Katsuki's voice falters as he eyes the hallway and sweet, sweet escape behind him.

"Well, I'm sure you'll enjoy it," Mineta declares — a full, self-satisfied grin on his face now. "We're gonna watch _porn."_

Katsuki immediately turns around and begins walking back to his room. And by "walking back," he means his pace begins with a few long strides and eventually culminates in a light jog. Which, translated into the layman's term of normal, _non-_ heroes-in-training: an extreme sprint.

* * *

"Hey, hey!" Mineta shouts out, waving his hands upwards in the air as if to chase away an invisible, oppressive force weighing down upon his head. Running desperately after Katsuki, he continues yelling, "No! No linebreak! This is the group activity we're doing today because _that's_ how you're gonna win my friendship points, Bakugou!"

Katsuki begins running faster.

Because _first_ of all, porn doesn't sound like a _group_ activity. Or at least, not a group activity with _Mineta_ of all people.

And _second_ of all, _no._ Just _no._

* * *

"No! Stop with the linebreaks! It doesn't have to be like XXX rated, okay? We can watch, like, _soft—"_

 _— — — —_

"C'mon, man! Stop, okay! This isn't _fair!_ You went along with everyone _else's_ weird friendship events!"

"No one else asked me to watch _porn_ with them!" Katsuki yells back, his legs going so fast now they'd give Iida a run for his money. "So fuck off!"

* * *

 **The Next Day**

"Okay, _fine,_ so _no_ porn then," Mineta whines, his bottom lip pulled into a petty pout.

Katsuki sighs. Yeah, it really took a _whole day_ to get Mineta to quit it with that porn shit. A whole day of Mineta whining and griping and groaning and moaning and pounding on his door and threatening to rub his balls all over it again...

Yeah, yesterday was a _terrible_ day.

"But, since you still need your friendship points with me—"

Well, no one ever said Katsuki _needed_ those friendship points or anything…

"—then today we're gonna do my _second_ favorite thing: peeping!"

Katsuki stares at Mineta incredulously.

Peeping?

Like that thing baby chicks do? That noise they make?

Katsuki can't imagine how that's any fun, but since Mineta's already the _size_ of a baby chick, he supposes that it would _vaguely_ make sense that Mineta would derive _some_ form of pleasure from roleplaying as a bird…

Hmm. No. No, _wait._ That doesn't sound right at all.

"What do you mean by peeping?" Katsuki asks Mineta, curiosity finally getting the best of him.

A slow smile makes its way across Mineta's face. "Oh, I'll show you alright," the boy says with a dark glimmer in his eyes.

Taking Katsuki by the hand again, Mineta clamps down so hard on Katsuki's wrists that he's sure the guy's grip will leave him with a bruise later. And not even Aizawa's _handcuffs_ could do that shit to him, so the fact that such a little twerp could best _Katsuki_ like that is not only a bruise to the wrist, but a bruise to the ego as well.

"Here's my favorite Lookin' Hole," Mineta finally says, stopping outside the walls of a random room. Pointing at the hole, he continues, "I drilled that baby myself, ya know! And just so you know, another name for my Lookin' Hole is my Glory Hole, because what's on the other side of that is _glorious."_

Katsuki grimaces. This doesn't sound at _all_ like what he was hoping it would be, and he should've realized that he was naive to hope for any better. But as he raises a finger in protest, he's only met with the back of a little boy standing on his tippy-toes on a stool — already peeping into the "Lookin' Hole."

"Ooh~" Mineta trills, salivating over whatever he seems to be seeing. "Yes! _That's_ what I'm talking about!"

Katsuki looks around the wall. His eyes slowly wander over to the left, drifting lazily over the same-old-same-old brick design of the school walls. And then they suddenly stop. Before picking up right again, running laps over the engraved plaque.

"Girl's Locker Room" the plaque reads.

"H-hey," Katsuki says, his eyes unable to break away from the plaque even as he reaches over to tap Mineta on the shoulder. "This is the girl's locker room. You shouldn't be—"

"Shh!" Mineta snaps back. "Of _course_ I know that! That's why I'm _here."_

"Yeah, but—"

"Shut it, Bakugou! If they catch us, you'll be as toast as I'll be!"

With those words, Katsuki finally stops and wonders if it would be truly worth it to tell Mineta off. After all, if he makes a big scene out of it, the girls might come running out and accusing him of peeping too. And even if he protested his heart out, that wouldn't change the fact that he'd be pulled into all _kinds_ of questioning with administration.

What Mineta's doing is wrong, _yeah,_ but would it _really_ be worth it to stop him?

 **Congratulations! Your Empathy Level grew from Level 14 to Level 13.**

Huh? What? Wait, all he said was that, while he understands how Mineta's actions are morally indecent, maybe it wouldn't be worth it to—

 **Congratulations! Your Empathy Level grew from Level 13 to Level 12.**

No, no, no, _what?_

 **Congratulations! Your Empathy Level grew from Level 12 to Level 11.**

 _Why_ is this _happening?_

 **Congratulations! The title «Bystander» has been added to your list of skills.**

 **Congratulations! Your Empathy Level grew from Level 11 to Level 10.**

 **Congratulations! Your Empathy Level grew from Level 10 to Level 9.**

 **Congratulations! Your Empathy Level grew from Level 9 to Level 8.**

Faced with this sudden onslaught of pressed charges, Katsuki's eyes dart quickly around the hallways now. He has to stop Mineta, but he doesn't want to be caught accidentally complicit in Mineta's harassment.

 _Classroom. Classroom._

 **Congratulations! Your Empathy Level grew from Level 8 to Level 7.**

 _Classroom. Classroom. Janitor's Closet._

Aha.

Katsuki dashes over to the Janitor's closet, tossing brooms and mops and bleach over his shoulder. When his hands finally grab onto a half-empty bottle of Windex, he immediately dumps the remains out the window (just for it to land on grass that dies immediately upon impact) and rushes over to the water fountain to fill the bottle with water.

 **Congratulations! Your Empathy Level grew from Level 7 to Level 6.**

"Mineta," Katsuki whisper-yells one last time as warning. "If you don't stop this right now—"

"Shut it. They're taking off their clothes n—Hey! _Hey!_ What the _fuck,_ dude?" Mineta suddenly whips around to face Katsuki. The whole of Mineta's back is sopping wet.

And the perpetrator to this assault stands proud and tall, weapon in hand — a Windex spray bottle filled with water.

"What the _fuck,_ Bakugou!" Mineta repeats, shaking his head like a dog in order to dry off. "What was _that_ for?"

But instead of answering like any regular ol' person might, Katsuki instead opts to spritz Mineta with water all over again.

"Hey!"

Another spritz.

"Why?!"

And another.

" _Stop it!"_ Mineta finally shouts out, absolutely _soaked_ now and dripping from head to toe. "What are you doing this for?" He glares at Katsuki.

In response, Katsuki holds the Windex bottle up (or, more accurately, _down)_ to Mineta's eye level, just to intimidate the guy. "One spritz for every time you think about peeping."

"Huh?"

Katsuki spritzes Mineta again. "It's a _crime,"_ Katsuki emphasizes. "And we're supposed to be _pro-heroes_ now."

"What? Y _ou_ were the one going around saying you wanted to murder people—Ow! OW! That was in my _eye,_ man!"

"No! Peeping is wrong And so is calling me out on my past behavior!"

"Stop it, dude! The only thing I'm _thinking_ of right now is how much I _hate_ you!"

"That's still bad!" Katsuki says, in the same tone that he uses to discipline Coco. He spritzes Mineta once again. Not because he doesn't _believe_ Mineta or anything about the whole "I'm not thinking about peeping anymore!" thing, but because classical Pavlovian conditioning is just...kinda fun, actually.

"Fine. _Fine!"_ Mineta finally relents, angrily wiping splashes of water out of his eyes. "I'll quit peeping! So can _you_ quit spritzing me?"

Katsuki looks at Mineta's tragic figure. He looks back at his Windex bottle.

For a brief moment, he considers spritizing Mineta again just for the hell of it.

And then for a slightly _less_ brief moment, he considers his empathy points.

...Well, it certainly wouldn't be _nice_ to spray Mineta with more water after Katsuki's already achieved his goal from it and the guy's explicitly told him to knock it off, _wouldn't it?_

Katsuki sighs, chucking the bottle of Windex out the window and finally laying it to rest.

 **Congratulations! The title «Bystander» has been removed from your list of skills.**

 **Congratulations! Your Empathy Level grew from Level 6 to Level 15.**

* * *

They're outside.

Katsuki doesn't know why.

In fact, Katsuki's starting to realize that him _not knowing what the fuck is going on_ is starting to seem like a relatively routine feeling when it comes to his "friendship" with Mineta.

"Bakugou," Mineta finally says, breaking Katsuki out of his reverie. "Do you know what the most important, most _imperative_ thing about going to anime high school is?"

Surprisingly, for the first time in his life upon being asked a directly stupid question, Katsuki actually _contemplates_ it. "Uh, studying?"

" _No._ Think _less_ nerdy, dude," Mineta says, a disgusted look on his face.

"Having protagonist hair?"

"No. I have _purple_ hair and even _I'm_ not the protagonist." Mineta scowls in indignant fury.

"Uh...then—"

" _Gah,_ Bakugou! How do you not get it?! It's literally not that hard!" Mineta stamps his foot on the ground in irritation. He then begins waving his hands in the air. "A beach episode, dude! Like, _imagine._ Girls in onepieces. Or, even"—saliva crests over his lips and waterfalls from his chin—"or, if we're lucky, even _bikinis!_ Can you _imagine_ seeing some of the girls in bikinis?"

The image of Uraraka in a pale pink bikini suddenly pops into Katsuki's mind.

Then, in an effort to save himself from immediate debilitation over the thought of it, Katsuki forcefully evicts the image from his head and announces foreclosure of its cerebral rental space.

"How are you gonna achieve that?" Katsuki asks, gesturing all around the two of them with his heart still frenzied from the thought of Uraraka in a bikini. "We're at a _pool."_

In response, Mineta can only gape at Katsuki with an utter look of disbelief. "Huh? You think I'd have the _budget_ for a beach episode? Like I'd have the _money_ and _time_ to ship us all off to the beach?" He scoffs. A single tear runs down his face. "I wish I did," he mutters beneath his breath.

Katsuki shakes his head, completely unable to follow Mineta's line of logic. Assuming he _has_ one, anyway. Shutting his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose, Katsuki asks once again, "Then how is standing by the pool gonna get us— _you_ a beach episode?"

"Easy," Mineta responds, suddenly perking up once again as if he were completely prepared for the question this time around. From seemingly nowhere, he pulls out a bucket of sand and a baby shovel.

And then he rips his shirt off.

As well as his pants.

Leaving him in only in his boxers.

"There!" he declares, hands displayed proudly on his almost naked hips. "It's a beach episode now!" Taking his bucket of sand, he gracelessly empties the whole of its contents onto the poolside. Then, whipping out a towel and flicking it once in the air, he lays it down and poses himself on it like one of those French girls. A smug grin on his face, he says, "Now, we just gotta wait for the girls to start flocking over."

Katsuki blankly stares down at Mineta's figure. He looks at the calm waters of the pool. His gaze languidly drifts down to the sad pile of sand near his feet.

And then Katsuki sighs, completely resigned and too tired to object to Mineta's schemes at this point. Holding one open palm out, he mutters, "Pass over the sunscreen."

* * *

Well, it's been an hour, Katsuki's approximately 7.16333333% tanner, and not a single girl has gathered by the poolside.

And it seems a sunburned Mineta has angrily caught on to that unfortunate fact. "Where are the _bikinis?"_ he loudly laments.

Ah.

Yes.

Of _course_ Mineta would refer to the lack of girls here as a lack of _bikinis_ here instead. Did Katsuki actually expect _better_ of him?

"Where _are_ they?" Mineta continues whining, eyes darting desperately around in search of their prey. "Why won't they show up to the beach episode? You can't have a beach episode with just _men!"_

Katsuki rolls his eyes.

Now that's just _sexist._

And, honestly? Uncultured as fuck.

Look, Katsuki _still_ doesn't quite understand whatever the fuck a "beach episode" is, but he's still _pretty sure_ that beach episodes with men would be _just_ as great as beach episodes with women. Maybe even _more_ so, depending on the amount of muscles in display there.

Frantic now and craving bikinis, Mineta grabs a nearby hose. "It's a beach episode, right? So someone just needs to get wet, right? _Right?"_ His eyes are wide and manic. And then, without further warning, he brings the hose to his head and absolutey _drenches_ himself in water. " _Now_ the girls have to come over right? _Right?"_ His eyes are pleading for sweet, sweet release from his pain but it's not something Katsuki feels like he has the authority to give.

Or honestly something he _wants_ to give.

But just at that moment, as if summoned by Mineta's sheer desperation, soaked body, and sad pile of sand, Uraraka comes waltzing her way by the pool.

"Yes! A girl!" Mineta shouts out, not even _trying_ to be subtle. He pumps his fist in the air in triumph. But then, his excitement quickly wanes. "Wait," he says, squinting. " _Where's the bikini?"_

Urakaka suddenly looks over at the two boys. She looks down to the pile of sand. She looks back at them and tilts her head. "What's going on?" she innocently asks.

Mineta blankly stares at her. And then he blankly stares at the leaking hose in his hand.

And then, instead of answering Uraraka like a _normal_ person might, he points the hose at her and turns the water pressure up to an 11.

For five seconds, Uraraka's body is completely covered in a veil of water.

And then, the water dies down.

Revealing a very soaked, very _angry_ Uraraka.

And because it's hot enough right now to warrant a beach episode, Uraraka wasn't wearing her school blazer. Which means the water has now soaked through her white blouse and she's probably currently exposing far more than she would like to.

Now, Katsuki has two options here.

The first one would be to forcibly tear the hose out of Mineta's grubby little hands and _waterboard_ the shit out of Mineta for trying to pull that shit.

But the _second_ option is one that Katsuki takes, hands down, without any question.

Throwing his blazer over Uraraka's shoulders, he quickly ushers her away from the pool.

"Fuck, sorry for that," he mutters, his steps quick and his words even quicker. "Let's get you back to the room and dry you off. Otherwise you're gonna get sick."

* * *

Uraraka's finally dried off and after a quick conversation with her once again apologizing for Mineta's actions, Katsuki finds himself in his room. Calculator in hand. Furiously calculating a cost benefit analysis of being friends with Mineta.

Okay, so if he's friends with Mineta he'll be +1 friends.

But, _another_ okay, if he befriends Mineta — and considering that guy's complete inability to see women as people — Katsuki will eventually wind up:

-1 Ashido

-1 Jirou

-1 Yaoyorozu

-1 Hagakure

-1 Asui

And worst of all:

 _ **-1 Uraraka**_

That's -6 friends. And even though being friends with Mineta will make him +1 friend, if you have +1 friend + (-)6 friends, that results in -5 friends.

Now, because Katsuki's a fucking _whiz_ at math, he knows that -5 is less than his current 6 female friends. _By a lot._ So if there's no net benefit to being with Mineta, then that means that staying as Mineta's friend would leave Katsuki with a friend deficit.

And while a friend deficit would probably economically mean _nothing_ in the real world, Katsuki imagines that the consequences of a friend deficit would mean that he'd have to report to Uraraka — all dressed up in business casual — at the end of the friend fiscal year and explain to her why he couldn't pay his friend taxes.

This is not good.

In fact, this is _very_ bad.

But wasn't his goal to become friends with everyone in class?

And Mineta, by virtue of being a person in 1-A, is _included_ in that everyone.

So how can he be friends with Mineta while also staying friends with all the girls in class?

Katsuki disgracefully tosses the calculator on the desk and places a hand on his chin. What's the best option here?

Ghost Mineta?

No, he's not invisible like Hagakure, so ghosting probably wouldn't work.

Uh….usher himself into the hospital and act like a vegetable for the rest of his life?

No, not moving around and losing all his muscles to this plan would suck.

How about just issue out a mental restraining order on Mineta? "Gremlins cannot be within a five meter's distance from me at all times."

Hmmm...yeah. Keep Mineta at a distance and stay away from all knowledge and scenes of his crimes. Good plan there, Katsuki.

So from now on, he'll just stay wary of Mineta and occassionally call him out on his absolute dumb shitassery when necessary. Or whenever Mineta is close enough for Katsuki to somehow and unfortunately see him harassing someone.

Katsuki nods his head, finally turning off his calculator. Yeah, that'll work.

 **Congratulations! New skill** **«Begrudging Acceptance» has been gained.**

* * *

 **A/N:** Hi all! Thanks so much for reading! Mineta is quite the controversial figure, but because I made the executive decision to keep his existence within this fic, I tried my best to make him stay true-ish to his character while still criticizing it. I'm not sure if the balance worked well, but that's what I was going for anyway.

 **Trey Alexander:** Thank you so much, omg, your words mean so much to me that this is your favorite Bakugou-centric fic. Thank you! :,)

 **TheSilverHunt3r:** LOL, I like to think that even the previous chapters would confirm that Bakugou is an idiot, but I'm glad that last chapter truly cemented it. Hmmm, Bakugou befriending Shinsou and Monoma, you say? That's an interesting idea that I'll definitely take into consideration!

 **CanadianBlitz:** LMAO, very sorry but the terms of agreement for Hagakure was that Mineta would 100% follow her. If only because I wanted to make a "Respect Women" semi-joke.

 **BigSlippen:** Does the 9th dimension mean other invisible people can see each other? Hmm, honestly I didn't even think about that but now that I have because of your comment, I'm gonna say that in my canon, invisible people can see each other.

Once again, thank you all for reading! Next chapter is gonna be a special Kacchako chapter. You can think of it as one of those events in dating simulations where, once you've racked up enough points with someone, you get a special CG event with them ;)

See you next chapter!


	18. In Sickness and In Health

**A/N:** Sorry this chapter is so late. I was really busy the past few months :(

Also, rest assured, this is an actual chapter. This is not April Fools. I'm only releasing it on April Fools because I thought it'd be funny, considering this whole fic is a joke HA.

Also, final note: This chapter takes place in a world where coronavirus doesn't exist. (Sorry if the chapter is coming out at a bad time. It was always going to have this concept; I just published it at a not-great time). Please do not do any of the things Katsuki does in this chapter. Social distancing is good and stay safe everyone!

* * *

When Katsuki wakes up in the morning, something feels different.

Something feels strange.

Something feels not quite right.

He can't quite place what it is exactly, but it probably has to do with the **[Special Event Unlocked. You have gained access to the Sick Uraraka CG Event.]** pinging around in his head like his mind's a broken radio channel.

Wait.

Did the voice just say _sick_ Uraraka?

Katsuki rubs his chin for a second.

Now, there are two options here. Either she's _sick_ as in she's down with the cowfluenza, or she's _sick_ because she's radical as fuck.

As Katsuki mulls over these two possibilities, he feels as if neither make sense. First of all, Uraraka _is_ cool as fuck, so to say so wouldn't require a **[Special Event]** flag in his head. Second of all, because Uraraka's _cool as fuck,_ that means it'd be impossible for her to contract a fever, right? Chill people don't get hot; that's counterintuitive.

Wait, did he just imply Uraraka's _not_ hot? Because she is. Which means she's not...cool?

And so, even as the **[Special Event]** flag continues flashing behind his eyes like it's actively trying to induce a seizure in him, Katsuki chooses to ignore everything about it. After all, it's not like the voice in his head is omniscient or anything.

With these thoughts in mind, Katsuki finally throws off his covers. Rolling his shoulders and stretching out his back a little, he walks over to the dresser and begins wriggling his body into his school uniform. On the desk beside him, he hears a pitchy _ding_ immediately followed by a low rumble. Katsuki pokes his eye through the collar hole of his shirt and peeks over to his lit up phone. On the lock screen reads the messages:

 **Uraraka:** Hey I'm not feeling too hot today

 **Uraraka:** Actually I'm lying I'm feeling a bit TOO hot today LOL

 **Uraraka:** Wait wait wait that sounds weird I just mean I have a fever

 **Uraraka: ...** Anyway can you tell me what happens in class today? Thanks so much!

Reading this, Katsuki doesn't budge an inch. But reading it _over again,_ Katsuki's eyes immediately bulge out.

Holy _shit,_ the voice in his head _is_ omniscient _after_ all.

* * *

It's afternoon now and Katsuki stares down the whole of the pharmacy aisle like he's a cowboy in an old west movie about to face off against his longtime archrival: "Big Pharma."

He knows Uraraka told him, "Don't worry about me" after he texted her, "You good? You're not running like a fifty degree fever or anything, right?" but seriously, how could he _not_ worry about her?

She's so sick she's _bedridden._ And skipping _class._ She's _never_ skipped class before and he nearly broke all her bones during training once — an _hour_ before an important exam that she could have _very easily_ skipped with the amazing excuse of "Bakugou's a dickish asshole who tried to render my body into nothing more than a stain on that _specific_ rock over there."

(And also, Katsuki really, really likes Uraraka and that very fact makes him completely incapable of _not_ worrying about her during such trying times.)

Katsuki swears as he shoves his shopping cart down the aisle. She has a fever is all he knows. Fever medicine. _Fever medicine._ Fever medicine…

Katsuki clicks his tongue, letting out a slew of swears.

 _Fuck. Shit. Damn. Shit. Fuck._

Katsuki realizes now that he doesn't _know_ what fever medicine looks like. _Because he's never been sick in his life._ His mom once told him it's because idiots never get colds, but Katsuki's looked at his grades before and those would _definitely_ argue otherwise.

Katsuki glowers at the aisle of drugs once more. He doesn't know jack _shit_ about anything that's going on here, he'll _acknowledge_ that, but he also doesn't believe that anyone _else_ knows what the fuck is going on. Like, people can _read_ shit like — Katsuki's eyes dart to the closest container of drugs within sight — "amoxicillin" and — he shoots a glare at the container next to it — "atorvastatin" and even — Katsuki spins a 180 and nearly sets the aisle behind him on fire — " _lisinopril,"_ and tell him those words actually _mean_ shit to them? Because anyone who says that is a lying sack of shit, and he'll even say that to their _faces_ if he has to.

 **[Skill proficiency of -2 «Knowledge» has been reached. «Pharmacy» and «Medicine» have been dropped from «List of Acknowledged Studies»]**

Well, since Katsuki has no idea what to do in this situation, he supposes that the only valid course of action left is to just do the reasonable thing. The sensible thing. The only _valid_ thing in this situation.

Katsuki slowly backs up to the end of the aisle, taking in a deep breath as he does so.

And then he bulldozes down the aisle with one arm stretched out, steamrolling the entire right side of it into his shopping cart.

He reaches the end of the aisle.

Slowly, he turns around — his eyes covered in the shadows of his disheveled hair.

He takes a deep breath.

And then he bulldozes back _down_ the aisle, steamrolling the entirety of the _other_ side of the aisle down into his shopping cart.

Needless to say, shopping carts were not _built_ to fit twenty quantities of every possible drug there was, even if they were tiny little bottles of five total pills costing six thousand yen each.

So, with a trail of Tylenol bottles freefalling from his cart as if they were sailors desperately jumping ship — and with a roll of toilet paper delicately stacked on top of the mix _just for good measure_ — Katsuki proudly saunters over to a flabbergasted cashier, whose expression keeps inexplicably shifting between amazement and fear.

 _This better be worth it,_ he thinks to himself.

* * *

"Uraraka!" Katsuki shouts, entering Uraraka's room with all the delicacy of a giant, heavy-weight wrecking ball. "Uraraka!" he repeats, practically stumbling over to her because he _cannot see over the massive pile of drugs cradled in his arms._

For a brief moment, Katsuki considers bulking up just so he can fit more drugs into his arms.

And yes, he knows what you're thinking.

And no, he doesn't mean steroids.

"Uraraka!" Katsuki shouts out one more time.

Actually, at this point, he already knows he's being obnoxious, but he's kinda banking on that fact because he _needs_ Uraraka to respond to him. Preferably soon. Preferably now. Because he's definitely about to trip over his feet or over some tossed up piece of trash on the floor because he once again _cannot see over the massive pile of drugs cradled in his arms._

"Ura—"

"I'm right here," a faint voice rasps slightly in the distance. "You don't have to shout."

"O-Okay," Katsuki replies in a faint voice that would almost put ASMR artists to shame. Almost. Barely.

Okay, maybe not at all.

As we all know, Katsuki is a very loud, very scream-y boy.

"I told you not to shout!" Uraraka repeats in a slightly harsher tone, just before her voice trails off into a low mumble. "I already had a headache before you arrived, too." Katsuki can practically hear the wince in her voice.

The boy gulps. He reaches one foot out, gently toeing the ground before taking a step. At this point, his internal "Big Fat Crush" GPS has locked onto Uraraka and he's figured out where Uraraka generally is in the room based off of echolocation and primal instinct alone.

But then he hears it.

A singular cough.

Followed by a _harsher_ cough.

Followed by a whole slew of coughs crescendoing and building off of one another like the climax in a post-modern orchestral movement.

That's just to say: she sounds like shit.

At this point, Katsuki all but tosses all his pharmaceutical shit in the air, rushing over the two more steps he apparently needed to be by Uraraka's side.

"Uraraka, you okay?" He presses the palm of his hand against her forehead. _Holy shit, is that a really high fever or is his body just involuntarily heating up because he's touching Uraraka's face with his hands?_

Her head and neck are covered in sweat, so he's gonna have to assume it's the former. Not to discredit the latter though. No, the latter can _never_ be discredited when it comes to his relationship with Uraraka.

"What are you doing here?" Uraraka finally asks Katsuki, as if even _she's_ just now realizing that should've been her first question to him the second he rammed straight through her wall like the Kool-Aid man. She opens her bleary eyes, trying her best to focus them on his face.

In response, Katsuki jerks his hand back. He feels as if the heat of her fever is slowly beginning to transfer over to him, because his face is currently feeling very, very hot. And probably also red.

"Uh, m-medicine!" His tongue scrambles for words the same way his eyes now scramble for the location of all the drugs now strewn around Uraraka's room. "I'm here to give you some medicine!"

"Bakugou-kun, the doctor's already prescribed me some—"

He huffs, his back turned to her as he begins picking all his littered drugs and pill bottles off the floor. "Doctor must've been a quack, since you're clearly not better yet."

"...Bakugou-kun, the doctor prescribed me the medicine _yesterday."_

"Yeah, well, my point still stands."

Uraraka breathes a heavy sigh. Or, at least, she tries to. But her sigh is fragmented into pieces, as if her lungs keep refusing to work properly.

He doesn't like the sound of her sigh at all. Not like he generally likes the sound of her sighs _ever_ when she's sighing at _him,_ but _definitely_ not this time when it sounds like she can barely eke out a prolonged breath.

And so, last painkiller now stacked precariously on his dangerous game of Extreme-Drug-Jenga-TM, Katsuki sprints straight back to Uraraka's side and _dumps the whole load on her bed._

"H-hey what are you—" is all Uraraka manages to get out before an avalanche of non-prescribed prescriptions fall flat onto her face, muffling her cries. Her arms flail around a bit, before they begin scrabbling at all the boxes and bottles on her face as if trying desperately to excavate a lost artifact out from sea.

Oh wait, that artifact's her face.

Which currently has trouble breathing.

Ah, _fuck._

Katsuki's arms rush in before the folds of his brain can fully connect those two dots together, and he too begins trying to shovel Uraraka out of the mess he created. Slowly, ever so slowly, one eye peeks out from the pile.

One eye radiating pure, unadulterated fury.

Katsuki briefly considers swiping the pile of drugs back onto Uraraka and dashing out the room.

No, that wouldn't be very _un-jerk-y_ of him, _would it?_

But just as he finally resolves not to escape into the sunset, a second, _more_ furious eye pops its wrathful head out of the pile.

Katsuki gulps.

He wasn't afraid when he was kidnapped by villains the second time.

He wasn't afraid when he was kidnapped by villains the third time.

And he _definitely_ wasn't afraid when he was kidnapped by a villain the _first_ time. (And if Deku tries to argue you on that, then you should know he's a lying little bitch.)

But what Katsuki's experiencing right now, as Uraraka emerges from his man-made avalanche like the raging undead?

Pure, unmitigated dread.

 **Congratulations! New skill** **«Fear» has been gained.**

Ah.

 _Fuck._

"Bakugou-kun," Uraraka begins, her voice a low rumble. Her previously furious eyes are now covered ominously in the shadows of her bangs.

Katsuki's fear meter is about to fucking _ding_ and spike through the _roof._

"Would you care to _explain_ —"

"Uh—" Katsuki's hands fumble around, picking random drugs off her body and knocking some more over in the process. After all, he'd be fucking _damned_ to ever show a trace of fear on his face in public. (And once again, if Deku tries to argue you on that, he's a lying little bitch.) "Medicine," he spits out. "I just wanted to give you some medicine, is all." He shuffles around some more in her pile. "So, which one d'you wanna take?"

In perhaps an unconscious response, Uraraka's frothing at the mouth. It looks like her soul's just about escaped her body.

 _Fuck,_ Katsuki doesn't know what kind of medicine would work for that. _Wait no,_ that symptom sure sounds like _death,_ doesn't it?

Katsuki jumps, quickly pulling Uraraka out of the pile of drugs to shake her shoulders furiously back and forth. "Uraraka, you good? You're not dying yet, right? Hey! Wake up!" He looks around desperately at all the pills and boxes tumbling off her. "What d'you need? Huh? Uh...Vicodin? Emergen-C?" He stares deep into her dilated, unfocused eyes. " _Shit._ Do you need opioids?"

Of all things, _that_ really seems to snap her out of it. She throws him a _very_ dirty glare. "I don't need _opioids,_ Bakugou-kun."

He takes a deep breath, trying to calm his frantic nerves. "Then which one of these do you wanna—"

"That's not how medicine _works!"_ Uraraka retorts. In his deepest of hearts, Katsuki thinks that if her response were, for any reason, an email, it'd be worded somewhat like this:

 **Hello Bakugou,**

 **It has come to my attention that you're a fucking dipshit. I will NOT be swallowing every single drug known to man, because, due to an abundance of caution, I'm not a fucking idiot.**

 **Best Regards,**

 **Uraraka Ochako**

 **1 attachment:**

Message sent.

And...received.

Fuck.

Katsuki quickly backs off, taking his hands off her shoulders. "We could at least have you take _something,_ yeah?" He pilfers once more through all his pharmaceutical shit. "Uh, 'Use this to treat symptoms of a congested nose and wet cough.'" He raises his eyes to face Uraraka once more. "I forgot to ask. What symptoms do you have, anyway?"

"Well–"

"I mean"—Katsuki begins counting on his fingers, looking up at the ceiling in absentminded thought—"You definitely have a fever. You've been coughing. Sounds like that might've caused some breathing issues for you, too. And based on the amount of tissues in your wastebasket, you either have a really runny nose, or you've been sneezing a lot, right?" He finally turns his gaze away from the ceiling and back to Uraraka's sickbed. "Is there any more that I missed?"

Uraraka blinks, an expression of pleasant surprise settling on her face. "Oh, yeah. That's basically it."

Katsuki nods his head, eyes downcast for hopefully the final time. He picks something out of the pile, reading the back of it. He tosses it behind him. And then he silently repeats this process about five more times before finally landing on something promising. "Here," he says, lightly shoving a box into one of her outspread palms. "Antiviral stuff. Sounds like it would work for flu-like symptoms."

She looks down at the box, carefully reading the inscription. She mumbles softly to herself as she goes over its contents. "Huh, yeah, I guess I could take this," she murmurs, just loud enough enough for Katsuki to overhear.

He breathes a sigh of relief.

Silently picking himself back up on his feet, he scurries over to the kitchen to fetch Uraraka a mug of warm water to wash her meds down.

* * *

"Cold," Uraraka mumbles, pulling her covers over her head. Even with her body beneath such a thick quilt, Katsuki can still see her shaking and shivering.

Katsuki bites his lip.

She had been pretty lively before when she had been telling him off about why hoarding every known drug under the sun is a shitty thing to do, but her condition suddenly spiraled down fifty hills and straight into the Pacific Ocean right after he got back with her mug of water.

First, she was coughing up a storm.

Then, she sneezed so hard that Katsuki nearly called the ambulance for dislocated eyeballs.

And then she suddenly got so dizzy and tired she almost smacked the backside of her skull on her headboard from falling over.

For reference, Katsuki lept out the fucking window, somehow cushioned his fall with some well-placed trees, ran into the kitchen, nearly broke all the china and silverware looking for the Perfect Mug™, filled the mug with some ice cold water, realized he wanted it to be lukewarm so he started exploding all the air around it to get it to "Warm up you little muggerfucker," and then inexplicably ran back out to the yard to explode-fly his way back up to her fourth-floor dorm. All in under two minutes.

But also, by the time he got back into her room, there were like maybe five ounces of water left in that mug.

His point here, though, being that he doesn't understand how her sickness took such a sudden turn for the worse in such a short amount of time.

"Cold," she whines once again from under her covers. He can see the vague silhouette of her body twisting left and right in discomfort.

He gulps, the cogs of his head spinning in overdrive.

And then, as if the clouds of the heavens had parted to gift him with a once-in-a-lifetime thought, a bright _ding_ goes off in his head.

Without another moment wasted on hesitation, Katsuki dashes out the room.

He returns just a few beats later, three blankets weighing heavily on his arms.

One he borrowed from Kirishima. One he stole from Deku. And the one on top he's gracefully donating from the Bakugou's-Own-Fucking-Bedroom foundation.

Katsuki trods stiffly over to Uraraka's side, trying his best once more not to trip as a result of not being able to see five centimeters in front of him due to all the fucking shit collected in his arms.

And, somehow, he succeeds.

Barely.

When he finally reaches Uraraka, he plops everything onto her bed. A pained groan slips out from under the four layers of cover.

"Oh, fuck, _shit."_ Katsuki scrambles now. Grabbing hold of all the blankets, he starts arranging them less haphazardly across her bed, taking care to tuck her into each layer.

"Ah...that's nice," Uraraka murmurs, with all the satisfaction of an elderly grandma just finished with her daily crochet.

Unbeknownst to him, a soft smile pulls at the corners of Katsuki's lips. "Better?" he asks.

"Yeah," she mumbles back, slowly poking her head back over the covers. Eyes still drowsily closed, she sighs. "Kinda wish...these blankets…"—she thoughtlessly yawns—"were a...little heated, though." Another yawn.

Heat?

Say no more.

Katsuki rips off his shirt, blessing the room with the sight of his toned-ass abs.

 _Ha!_

Katsuki _wishes_ he had confidence to pull that kind of shit at this kind of time.

Well, actually, that would be borderline harassment.

Perhaps not so borderline, given the context.

No, what Katsuki really does is hover his hands above her four layers of covers and starts exploding the air above it.

Even.

 _Worse._

Harassment.

"Huh?" Uraraka's still caught in the thralls of fatigue at the moment, her brain too groggy to fully comprehend what's going on around her. "Why're there popping sounds?"

Concentrating even harder now on heating up her blankets with minute detonations, Katsuki refuses to answer her question.

Probably, a small part of him knows that if he answers the question, she's going to send him flying out the window.

Six more pops. Uraraka groans, slowly opening one of her eyes. The other one immediately follows in shock.

If Katsuki had considered calling the ambulance for eyeball dislocation after one sneeze, then he should probably be reaching for his phone now based on her reaction.

Really, it looks like her eyes are about to pop out of her sockets from shock.

"Bakugou-kun! What the _fuck_ are you doing?"

Katsuki gulps.

If the person she were yelling at wasn't him, he'd almost be _proud_ of her for swearing.

But she wanted warmth, right? _Heat?_

So, Katsuki does what any reasonable person with explodey tendencies would do in front of their crush.

He doubles down.

It's only a little bit because he's sweating more from nerves.

"This is what you wanted, wasn't i—OOF!"

First he doubled down.

Now he's doubled _over_ from a swift kick to the gut.

Against his will, a soft whimper breaks free from the prison of his iron-clad, prideful lips.

Who knew sick people could kick that hard?

Who knew sick people had no sense of _self preservation?_

The sheer force of the kick was enough to change his trajectory; and if Katsuki hadn't spent the last year training like a madman under the supervision of several other adult madmen, there would've been a toasty hole through Uraraka's wall right now. Or, even worse, through her body.

"Never do that again!" Uraraka huffs, completely oblivious to her near brush with death. It seems _her_ year training like a madman under the supervision of several other adult madmen has honed her body and will to be completely impervious to physical damage.

 _She must have allocated all her gained skill points into her Defense and Hit Points stats,_ Katsuki can't help but think.

 **Congratulations! The title «Fucking Nerd» has been added to your list of skills.**

* * *

"Bakugou-kun, I know what you're thinking," Uraraka says, her head propped up on one hand as she lays facing him on her side. She squints, as if already expecting some level of defiance from him. "And no, you _can't_ cook in here by using your quirk to heat everything up."

In response, Katsuki glares at her.

Just a little.

Not enough to look like a fucking _prick,_ but definitely just enough to tell her, "What do you _mean_ I can't set off fifty explosions in your room? Who do you take me for? A _non-_ pyromaniac?"

"Then what do you expect me to do?" he asks, his voice set in a monotone drawl.

Uraraka glares back at him.

Just a little.

Not enough to make him level up again in his fear skill, but just enough to give him like, five whole goosebumps.

It's unpleasant.

"I don't know," Uraraka says, her voice laden with sarcasm. "Why don't you use the _kitchen?"_

Ah. Yes. The kitchen. _That._ Yes.

"No," Katsuki flatly responds.

She looks at him, confusion coming off her face in waves.

"What do you mean, _no?_ "

"Look, the _last_ time I only went to the kitchen for _two minutes_ and the second I got back, you were already coughing up a storm."

Uraraka sits up now, her arms crossed as if to contest his sheer _audacity._ "That wasn't _sick_ coughing. I was just choking!"

"Choking on what? Your _spit?"_

"For your information, yes, I _was."_ She tilts her nose up in the air as if proud of herself for being capable of such a feat, but the second she peeks one eye open and takes note of his incredulous expression, her voice shrills in defensiveness. "Hey, don't give me that look. No, don't point at yourself like, 'Oh, what look are you talking about?' You know _very_ well what look I'm talking about, Bakugou-kun. I'd like you to know that it's _very_ hard to keep swallowing down the right pipe when you're in a constant horizontal position."

Katsuki doesn't understand what she's talking about.

After all, he's never laid in bed and been conscious for more than twenty minutes in it.

Uraraka, watching as Katsuki's face squeezes further and further in on itself in confusion, huffs. "Like I said, I don't _need_ you to cook for me, but if you really insist, you need to go to the kitchen to do it."

"What am I, some kind of fucking pleb?" Katsuki mutters to himself. Inexplicably, though, he's already obediently heading out her door and straight to the kitchen.

* * *

"Here," Katsuki says, delicately balancing a tray with a bowl of congee on top of Uraraka's blanketed lap.

Uraraka eagerly claps her hands in delight. Taking note of the heavy steam drifting off the congee, she tries to waft the smell in.

She tries _really_ hard to waft it in.

At some point, she even leans down and almost sticks her whole two nostrils into the fresh-off-the-stove congee.

And then she turns to him — completely distraught — with her cheeks puffed out in a pouty indignation.

"My nose is stuffed and I can't smell."

Externally, Katsuki is made of absolute steel. So much so it'd put Kirishima's 1-B friend, Tetsutetsu Tetsutetsu, to shame.

 _Internally,_ however, Katsuki's heart is made of play-doh and sand.

Sand because it's coarse and rough and irritable and his personality these past few months has been fucking _everywhere._

But damn, this fucking _sucks._ Katsuki poured his heart and soul into making Uraraka the most delicious congee she'll ever taste and it then turns out she _can't even taste._

What the fuck was even the point, then? If he can't win her praise then why is he even doing this?

Resigned to this permanent depression, Katsuki takes a metal spoon, dips it in the porridge, and pulls it close to his lips to blow on it.

He moves the spoon to her lips.

The way Uraraka reacts, he might as well have been trying to hand her one of his grenades.

"B-B-B-B-B-B-Bakugou-kun," she stammers, frantically waving her hands about. "Y-you don't have to feed me!"

Katsuki tilts his head a little. He looks at the spoon nudging at her lips.

Her…

...lips.

 _Lips._

That are...Uraraka's.

Lips.

 _Huh?_

In shock, Katsuki nearly drops the spoon in his hand.

 _Except he fucking doesn't because if he did it'd spill all over her and that congee is burning fucking hot._

Speaking of _burning fucking hot,_ Katsuki's wholeass body is heated up either entirely because he's covered in a deep flush of red, or because he's completely fucking embarrassed.

Refusing to meet her gaze, Katsuki not-so-delicately plunges the spoon back into the depths of the congee and pushes it towards her. "Just eat it," he barks out.

He can hear her stifling a laugh. _Fuck,_ she's laughing at _him,_ isn't she?

After what feels like forever suspended in the vacuum of her silent room, he finally hears her blow on presumably a hot spoon. He hears her cutely "Ahhh" and then forcibly swallow down a mouthful of hot congee.

Katsuki _hates_ that he likes her to the point that even just hearing her eat makes his heart tingle with... _feelings._

Seven-year-old him would have called this version of Katsuki a fucking embarrassment.

"It's really good!" Uraraka enthusiastically exclaims, waving her hands beneath his eyes to capture his attention and get him to look at her again.

Katsuki knows. He knows she's lying.

If she can't smell, then she obviously can't taste.

Even so, Katsuki looks back up at Uraraka and lets out a small smile. Poking her lightly in the forehead, he softly says, "I'm glad you like it."

* * *

With her bowl of congee slowly and laboriously finished — if only because Katsuki kept telling her to "Suck it up and eat it up" — Uraraka's back to lying down on her bed, tucked snugly beneath her many, many, many, many layers.

Outside, the sky has fallen to a darkness punctured through with starlight.

"It's getting pretty late," Katsuki says. _No fucking duh, Captain Obvious,_ he wants to retort himself. "You need anything else?" he asks Uraraka.

Uraraka weakly shakes her head from her position, pulling the covers higher above her head. "I'm...good." She yawns rather loudly.

A soft sigh escaping his lips, Katsuki reaches over to start clearing stuff off her bed. First to put away the bowl of congee before she knocks it over in her sleep. Then go the last of those pill bottles. And finally, all the tissues scattered around her bed.

Hushed breaths slip out of her lips, as it seems she's already nodding off into dreamland.

Ever so gently, Katsuki pulls her covers down below her lips, just to give her a little more room to breathe.

Though drifting slowly out of consciousness, Uraraka still manages to pull the corners of her lips into a soft smile as if to thank him.

With the room shrouded in silence and moonlight, Katsuki looks at Uraraka. _Really_ looks at her.

He remembers when he fell for her, at a time that felt like forever ago.

Everyone thought she was some delicate little princess, only good for her cheeriness and looks. Even going so far as to call her fragile.

 _Fragile,_ Katsuki scoffs.

Back then, and even now, she's been anything _but_ fragile. After all, she was bedridden with sickness all day and she still mustered the strength to 1) tell him off 2) kick him in the gut and 3) tell him off again.

Fragile? No, she's never been _fragile._ If anything, she's always been…

"...Resilient," he breathes out.

No matter what, she always bounces back. She gets hit with his quirk at full capacity and instead of moping about it, she trains herself to become one of the strongest close-range combatants in their class. She's the type of girl that, if she takes one step back, she'll dash forward until she sees the finish line ten steps ahead.

If she falls flat on her face, she doesn't _need_ anyone to pick herself back up.

But even though she doesn't need anyone, he'd still like to be there, with his hand outstretched and always at the ready to go along with her wherever she needs to go.

Beneath him, Uraraka groans, her face scrunched up in slight pain and forehead blossoming with droplets of sweat.

With his right hand, Katsuki gently wipes the beads of sweat from her brow, careful not to wake her up.

He leans in closer.

He parts her bangs to the side of her face.

She hums in satisfaction.

Amused, he leans in ever closer.

He wants to take in her every breath. He wants to cherish her every change in expression as she sleeps. He wants... _her._ Just...every part of her. When she's happy, when she's angry at him, when she's kicking him in the gut, and _hell,_ even when she's sick. He wants to be by her side and be there for all of it.

Softly, he presses his lips to her forehead.

He blinks.

He blinks again.

And then he stands up and backs up to the opposite wall with such speed and ferocity he nearly _blacks out_ from the suddenness of it all.

His thoughts race at a million kilometers per millisecond.

Lips.

 _Lips._

His.

Lips.

Touched.

Her.

Forehead.

Which.

Means.

His.

Lips.

 _Kissed._

Her.

Forehead.

He can't stay here any longer.

 _Kissed._

He's really got to go.

 _Kissed!_

Running around the room to collect all his piles of trash and dirty dishes and fucking _thoughts,_ Katsuki gathers them all up in his apparently capable arms and dashes out the room.

The last thing he leaves in the room is a hushed "Sorry" into still air.

* * *

 **A/N:** Our boy finally did it.

Anyway, this story should be coming to a close soon. Perhaps. Unless I want to add in more friendships who knows AJDSKLAJD:AD. But for sure next chapter will be Ojiro. Unless I still don't know what to do with him in which case it'll be a different character asdkfjalfjaslfjdsalf.

I know it doesn't make up for how long you had to wait for it but I hope you liked the chapter! I'll try not to make you guys wait that long again, sorry :,(

Anyway as a final note, stay safe, stay inside, if someone is sick please don't kiss them on the forehead, and above all, stay healthy! We'll get through this together!


End file.
